I lost someone really important to me.

I feel awful. Is this normal reaction?

I was with someone for 2,5 years. M(24), F(21). He was my first relationship. First year was perfect, second year we ended the distance. We lived 50-60 minutes away by subway. He was working 2-8 and I was a college student. He was willing to visit me every other weekend because one weekend he wanted to be at home relax, go out with friends etc. Weekdays were difficult for him to meet so we compromised on weekends. I started feeling that he wasn't visiting enough and wanted to see him more. He couldn't keep this up so I started going to his house as well, though I felt a bit uncomfortable with his parents there even though they were sweethearts.

If some weekends he didn't have any one to bring him by car, he wouldn't visit because he had a big issue with the subway. It was draining him emotionally, would make him feel sick. Since I was still a college student and first relationship I made so many immature mistakes. Would get upset if he didn't visit one weekend because we don't see each other on weekdays either. Eventually, I started visiting more often some weekends I would stay there entirely. He wasn't pressuring me or anything but felt that him coming to me was like a chore to him. Of course he wanted to see me bit the whole process affected him and I could see that. Also, the mistake I made was that I wasn't communicating what I was feeling all the time when I should have. Keeping things inside didn't make things good but I didn't know how this affects you overtime.

For 3 months I was mostly at his House due to some issues. And it was the first time we spend so much time near each other. We would spend even 6-7 days in a row together at his house. And then, I made some stupid mistakes again. I was used to the distance before and only seeing each other on weekends so my idea was when we are together we spend our time mostly together. So, when he needed 3-4 hours to play games with friends etc I would not feel prioritized. Eventually I realized that this not good and started trying to change how I feel about it, trying to be fair. But in the process wouldn't always give space when needed because I was at a place that wasn't my space either and he felt not understood.
After these months he told me to move in together but I declined because I didn't have savings and thought we need money first.So now he was with my parents and me at a friend's house to save money. He worked 3-6 and 6-8 a master's 4 days per week which needs studying. He told me he won't be able to visit more than one weekend per month because he don't feel comfortable with a third person around. And since I am uncomfortable being at his house I doesn't have to come and we might spend a week or two apart it's ok. I said I will visit each weekend and he told me thank you but some weekends he wants to spend them apart because he might want to be alone.

One weekend he told me "I don't want you to visit i want to be alone " I called me asking if everything between is ok, he told me "I don't feel like you understand me and that my week has been very tiring. And that I didn't tell you about it because I don't feel like you understand". I asked if he want to meet at least for a few hours to talk because last weekend he was upset with me and I misses us and cried.

This destroyed him. Hecouldn't understand why taking two days off was such a big deal. He told me if i had given space none of this would have happened. And I started talking about things she did wrong during summer beti misread a message and thought he was referring to that. He told me we are not communicating and that I continues talking when he told me i don't have the strength to talk. I drove him crazy saying things that werent related. He couldn't eat or sleep because I was apologising and wanting to talk and solve smth. He felt like don't recognise me, that i doesnt respect how unwell he was. That if it was anyone else he would have broken up with them, that it may take him weeks to see me in person again because he subconsiously wants to avoid me and the stress I bring. He told me that he loves me, i had so many dreams about us why did i have to do this ? Push him to the point he was feeling like that.

We met I told me i cried during the phonecall because i thought he was pushing me away because he was still upset from last weekend and got scared that she was losing me. Next day, he told me that if he was well emotionally i would break up to set me free from this because I am hurting a lot. I said "oh, so you want to break up?" He felt despair. I told him sorry that I understand but didn't process it correctly out of fear that I am not an idiot. He told me that he don't want us to talk for the rest of the day and this is the best he can do right now , I started asking what i did wrong , I doesn't try to sound the logical one, that's is not my intention at all, he felt pushed and had a panic attack, couldn't breath.

Later found out I was talking about unrelated things is because i misread one of the messages and thought he wasn't talking only about the phone call incident but also the issues we had during summer and felt the need to apologise and talk them through. In my mind i was trying to talk to clear the situation when there wasn't a situation to begin with. So he thought I had an issue with him and I thought he has issues with me.

He broke up with me said I was manipulative, not respecting him at all and he despises me. I lost that person because of my anxiety, because I couldn't communicate correctly smth and created a huge misunderstanding. I feel so stupid because I genuinely had the wrong narrative.