Speaking my mind!

I think people can become more assertive as they get older. That could be for many reasons. Someone could feel unheard, or it may be that is socially more acceptable now. As long as it's not aggressive I don't see a problem.

hoomee29

It's rather arrogant to assume that because you don't care what people think, you can spout anything that comes into your head. What about hurting their feelings? And perhaps a tendency to hold forth before you know all the facts? That just makes you look stupid. There's an old saying "least said, soonest mended". That does take a bit of self control and wisdom, but we should have learnt those by now!

👏 👏

DaisyAnneReturns

I think people can become more assertive as they get older. That could be for many reasons. Someone could feel unheard, or it may be that is socially more acceptable now. As long as it's not aggressive I don't see a problem.

The trouble is that what one person may see as 'assertive' may well come across as aggressive to another, especially the person on the receiving end.

I was always assertive and fiesty but when I became menopausal I lost my confidence and became anxious about lots of things. The correct dose of HRT helped enormously and I'm now confident again but not as intent on 'speaking my mind'.
A good balance!

ViceVersa

DaisyAnneReturns

I think people can become more assertive as they get older. That could be for many reasons. Someone could feel unheard, or it may be that is socially more acceptable now. As long as it's not aggressive I don't see a problem.

The trouble is that what one person may see as 'assertive' may well come across as aggressive to another, especially the person on the receiving end.

I totally agree. I suppose it depends on what you define as "assertive". We should be socially aware of course ... ....

I do feel the urge to speak my mind more .... but I zip the lip!

Feisty is me always have been I am direct I say what I think but filter what I say to loved ones. I don't like to hurt peoples feelings.
My friends of many years expect me to be the way I am. If I changed they would think there was something wrong.
I am still rather confident but I have had times when circumstances have knocked these traits. Life experience sometimes tough, has made me less tolerant than I was when I was younger.

If you use AI it's worth asking it to describe "assertive" in a "healthy" and "unhealthy" way. It's pretty obvious but always useful to see it laid out.

When I used to run assertiveness training courses the key thing about assertiveness was that both parties felt OK afterwards. There's direct and indirect aggression as well as passive aggression. True assertiveness is actually quite hard to maintain.

I am dealing with a lot of changes, in health, family, personal life and find that at home I am very short tempered, quite angry at times - usually at myself. It's frustration and not having anyone appropriate to talk to. No one gets it and I know it will all work out in time.

But outside I'm always aware of trying not to moan, trying not to say the wrong thing and not hurting the feelings of others. It's tiring and not good to hold stuff in so I explode at home. All unhealthy I know. Nothing to be gained by saying my bit though.

But I had a family member who 'called a spade a spade' and it didn't matter if someone got upset by what she said. It was her way of always being right. I was always uncomfortable in her company, sadly, as I was very fond of her otherwise. I'd hate to be like that.

There’s no excuse for rudeness at any age…those who hide behind excuses like “I speak as I find” or “I call a spade a spade” etc are just the worst…that may work fine for them, but never for anyone else. “I don’t suffer fools gladly” or “I say it as I see it”….any of those are major red flags. Er, no, you are just tactless and rude!

No I am terrified of upsetting people, friends tell me I am weak. You can’t win!

Well you've done the right thing Stillness...you are recognising that you are perhaps a bit too forthright and you've listened to your husband saying you can be like a rottweiler. And maybe now heating what everyone is saying on here you can have a bit of a reset and think about reigning it in, as it's sounding like it's giving you cause for concern and not necessarily making you happy. And may be causing others to be hurt and upset. Don't lose your personality though but have a think about why you feel the need to do it...is it worth it.

I think the difference is between being aggressive and assertive.
I have found that I can be more assertive as I get older. I won’t accept rudeness and will call people out over it. I’ll also give my own opinion on things. Rarely did when I was younger.

I do wonder if those who ‘speak their minds’ are always happy should someone speak their mind back to them.

I have strong opinions on Women’s Rights and often voice these at my Women’s Institute and have ruffled feathers of those with a different view. It wouldn’t worry me if they had the guts to challenge me, instead of complaining to the committee.

SueDonim

I do wonder if those who ‘speak their minds’ are always happy should someone speak their mind back to them.

Hmm interesting thought.

But they often have angry retorts at the ready.

To put a medical aspect on older folks sometimes “ speaking their mind “ in certain types of dementia there is a shrinking of the frontal lobes. It is the frontal lobes that help people to stop and think before they speak. Hence it can be said they speak before they think !!

There are plenty of us on GN that are very opinionated and really dont like alternative viewpoints, on an anonymous forum thats fine, we can disagree without consequences. In real life you are going to be very lonely quickly by voicing strong opinions

Yes, MartavTaurus, my mother would get all blustery and how-very-dare-you? if she was challenged.

True assertiveness is not experienced as aggressiveness but too often people ( the speaker or the listener) confuse the two

"Least said, soonest mended" can easily become an excuse for non action/allowing inappropriate stuff to thrive etc in my view. If its "I don't like your dress" - yes, dont say it!
If its "What is your evidence for stating that about all Jews?" (eg) then say it!

Always speak your mind and be honest, however try to frame this in a positive, non-aggressive way if you possibly can.

Also, don’t ever try to do this in a text or WhatsApp, I’ve found out, at great personal cost, it’s far too easy for the reader to completely mis-read or misinterpret your original meaning.

Madgran77

True assertiveness is not experienced as aggressiveness but too often people ( the speaker or the listener) confuse the two

"Least said, soonest mended" can easily become an excuse for non action/allowing inappropriate stuff to thrive etc in my view. If its "I don't like your dress" - yes, dont say it!
If its "What is your evidence for stating that about all Jews?" (eg) then say it!

👍👏👏👏👏👏

I've definitely gone the opposite way. I used to say what I thought (always politely), never put up with people being unpleasant to me or others but now I just let things roll over me, don't feel the need to stick up for myself unless it's something really important. Just want a quiet life.

SueDonim

My mother was a great one for speaking her mind. It’s probably why she’s ended up friendless and estranged from people.

As I’ve got older I think I am more assertive in such things as dealing with the NHS, which I had to be, in order to get the care my Dh needed in his final illness. Same with poor treatment in shops, with utilities and so on. I try to choose my words carefully, though, because that’s the way to get the result you wish for, in my experience.

IMO there’s a great difference between the sort of ‘speaking your mind’ which doesn’t care how rude or upsetting it may be, - and being assertive, when it’s necessary to ensure you are not being ignored or ‘put upon’.