Husband I think is looking for divorce after 50 years.

You are right, however stillawipp - it will be a relief once it's all over and a new life will almost certainly be better than the current one.

It can be very scary to start a new life, stillawipp and others.
Please don't be so hard on people who may have been undermined for decades.

Leaving the life you are "coping with" for a (hopefully) better one is not as straightforward as some people think.

"Just leave" is not as easy to do as it is to say.

Please be strong, welshmist, andget an appointment with a solicitor. Just a short one will help you clarify abd start to take back control.
Then, tell your children the truth. Ask them to support you.
Once they know and you are no longer hding this secret you will probably feel more capable.

welshmist….why on earth would you be ‘really worried’ at this man wants to divorce you?? It sounds to me like it would be a huge blessing if he did!! If he hasn’t been very nice to you since the start of your marriage, even using threats and violence, why would you want to stay married to him? Even if you had to move, it would be better than this life you’re living now, surely? You’ve got a lot of life still to live & you’re worth way more than this - prove it to yourself by taking control of the situation and then you can enjoy the rest of your life!

I did comment earlier but think it does sound like dementIa, it's so sad it's come to this.

A friend developed dementia and started being very hostile to his wife and moving money out of accounts all sorts of strange behavior.
She threatened to divorce him to stop the abuse, that did the trick his solicitor organized joint POA between her and his son, sadly he died about a year later

It's as awful as you allow it to be.
See a solicitor and make an exit plan; a nice bungalow isn't worth putting up with this treatment for.

You must protect yourself. If dementia is rearing its ugly head he should not be any where near a gun!
My DH has dementia and reading your posts I can't help but wonder if dementia is present. He may always have veen a difficult man ? Dementia will make the situation even worse.
Bizzare ideas and untrue assumptions are very common ( known as confabulations) and nothing you say will
make him see reason . Its a living hell for the carer! Fortunately my DH is not violent. However I am aware of not contradicting him - his reality is exactly that - reality !
People with dementia are very good at masking, especially if they are intelligent people . When I saw the signs I pushed for POA so glad now that I have that in place. Masking dementia hoodwinks many people and that includes close relatives.
What ever the cause of his behaviour you must take
care of yourself.
Google Alzheimers support they will advise. Would you be able to se his GP? Obviously without POA he / she will not discuss the matter with you but they will be able to listen to you.

74, wrinkly, balding and impotent, what a catch.
Leave this bully and get the50% of assets you are entitled to in law.

Even gold diggers have standards and he is no catch. He may have early onset dementure as well which I do sympathise with, but remember he has always been a bully.

Look out fir yourself OP. How much older is your husband?

Fallingstar

This just sounds dreadful. Get good financial advice and a good solicitor and get out of this marriage. Life is too short to put up with this kind torment.
All the best 💐

There appears to be little love in your marriage. You say he's researching divorce process, i.e. planning to end the marriage to his financial and time advantage. Time for you to take control and do the same.

This is good, straight forward advice from Fallingstar along side as others have said * get your ducks in a row*. Meanwhile and in tandem:

1) Collate electronic copies of all detail of financial assets, income, outgoings, tax paid, pensions, savings, business profits, valuation, trust detail etc.
2) Share with your solicitor if and when you begin divorce proceedings to use in negotiations and/or with a divorce mediator to directly negotiate with your husband how to split the your joint financial assets directly.
3) You mention an £800k business, that you helped build up is "in a trust' for your children. Trusts can be reviewed, changed or ended or reassigned- take legal advice. Notwithstanding the business and trust value whilst you are both still alive in a joint marital financial asset. Your health and well being during and after a divorce process is paramount and your husband needs to understand review of the trust is required to ensure you can be adequately and fairly housed. That is just and respectful.
4) Add up the value of all your assets, including the value of the £800k business and bungalow in which you live. You then know the total which is up for negotiation.
5) You are each entitled to the half the total value of those assets and you can negotiate to stay in the bungalow, if that remains your choice, as part of that total sum to be divided accordingly.
6) On divorce you and your then ex husband will each need to make a new will. If either or both of you wishes to set up a trust to benefit your children, and that remains appropriate once the martial assets are divided that is an option for both of you to consider.
7) In reality your children can still benefit form the separate inheritance of mum and Dad when divorced- the facts the business is currently in a trust should not alter change or delay the divorce asset sharing negotiation.

Good luck and take care 💐

He sounds horrible! See a solicitor asap and prepare for the future. I hope it works out well for you but he sounds a nightmare. Best wishes.

I doubt there's any younger attractive women waiting for a chance to get with a grumpy, wrinkly , violent 75 year man. He'd have to be a millionaire to get a gold digger who'll put up with a 75 yearold . A woman wanting money would want to be virtually guaranteed she's going to get a payout or lifestyle fairly quickly. They won't want to be waiting to see what he gets in a divorce as it can take a long time and there's no guarantee she'll get anything.
The male ego is probably making him think he's such a catch and just losing a bit of weight will make him irresistible to a 20 year old. Sad old pervy men are very common sadly.

It applies to women who loose desire as well, there are many physical and emotional causes, I know several of my friends stopped having sex in their 60s. What matters is you continue intimacy in other ways, caring for each other, cuddling and romance.

Men who suffer from impotence can be extremely difficult to live with.
They often blame their partners .
I've been through it and so have several friends.
There's one thing that all of us agree on -it gets worse until life becomes intolerable.
Please get your ducks in a row and leave .

Sounds as though he has always been a bully - and you are scared of him ,you do not deserve this.
Dementia most certainly springs to mind though.
Poor memory , being unable to recall a conversation all red flags!!
Speak to your children and tell them exactly what is happening. Get help ASAP.

I have to gather all the documents soon to do his tax return. So that bits easy. I need to find a solicitor. We've always used his family's. I know anyway they don't do divorce. I have to find a good one that isn't local preferably.

Gather your documents, consult a solicitor, 'Ducks in a Row'.

If this has been steadily getting worse it won't get easier.

Please take advice and at least discuss your concerns with a solicitor.

Maybe he's joined a tennis club?

I can't get into his phone he deletes his history daily.

I giggle a bit now he's got a tan will only wear white tee shirts. Socks and shorts to show off the tan I suppose. Does he see the thinning hair, the bad teeth. I don't know.

ixion

Way back in 2017, welshmist, you were indicating that your DH had anger issues and was always unreasonably blaming you.
Very controlling, even then.
www.gransnet.com/forums/aibu/1235082-worried-about-safety-re-DH-and-grandchildren

Moving on after nearly 10 years, you are still suffering.

Please heed the advice of others on here.

Goodness. I wrote that nearly a decade ago. It's sobering and depressing. I've been walking on eggs for so long. I've lost count how many times I have had to prevent him from interfering in three relationships his offspring have with their partners whenever he doesn't approve. He's very critical of my DILs at times.

He's better with the grandchildren now they're much older. Enjoys their company.

Consult family law solicitor

Ring women's aid.

Way back in 2017, welshmist, you were indicating that your DH had anger issues and was always unreasonably blaming you.
Very controlling, even then.
www.gransnet.com/forums/aibu/1235082-worried-about-safety-re-DH-and-grandchildren

Moving on after nearly 10 years, you are still suffering.

Please heed the advice of others on here.

Is he safe to be still holding a gun license? That’s what immediately jumps out to me.
I would definitely be talking to a solicitor asap as it doesn’t sound like the situation is going to improve, maybe there’s a way you could stay put and he could be forced to move out.
You shouldn’t put up with the threat of violence and being scared in your own home - you said he has been violent previously but you just didn’t report it.

My husband had vascular dementia and what you are saying sounds very familiar. Is he finding it difficult to make mental maps, see if you can go somewhere new and ask him to find the car. Is he struggling with how to work electronic equipment that he would not have struggled with previously? If this is a change from is usual behaviour, call dementia helpline. I didn't find them until after my husband of 42 years was sectioned under the mental health act and I was close to hating him. My GP was useless don't let them fob you off with the 10 question test - it's pointless and if he has vascular dementia he'll be looking for people to 'trick him'. It is an awful illness and my heart goes out to you. You will lose him twice. You need to get yourself safe, physically and financially. For what you had together you should get him help too, if he'll let you.