Recognising a pattern

The word 'narcissist' is over-used nowadays. It refers to a specific and serious mental disorder, not to general selfish or bullying behaviour!

No OP I can’t say I know a man like this. Perhaps I am fortunate not to have come across one in RL.
I know a lot of dominant women in relationships in later life ‘though ……..
just saying.

Narcissism exists on a wide spectrum, ranging from mild everyday self-absorption to manipulative or toxic behavior.

Not every narcissist will have the full blown personality disorder. As Deepat says it's a wide spectrum. My second husband is probably quite a long way down the spectrum and my father had a similar personality except that he was a physically violent man as well as being controlling and emotionally and verbally abusive. Like my second husband, he was charming in public but awful behind closed doors. So I didn't fully realise what dh2 was like until after I had married him. As a feminist in thought if not really in deed, I have fought him all the way which has been an awful waste of my life and a strain on the family. He started bullying my teenage son when we moved in together and by that time I had sold my house. When I became upset and confused about his terrible behaviour interspersed with love bombing, he told the children and myself that I am mentally ill. Later, I changed career and qualified as a mental health nurse due to this and halfway through my course, learned about narcissistic personality disorder for the first time and realised the symptoms fitted dh2 perfectly. I wish I had had the guts to have left this marriage but I stayed for financial reasons. I have been able to help my children and grandchildren and take joy in that. One child lives abroad with spouse and my grandchildren and I could not afford to visit if I left my husband. A lot of people are unsympathetic to those like me who have stayed in a bad relationship for financial reasons. A lot of people don't understand how narcissistic traits confuse and wear down the victim and change you a bit like Stockholm syndome. I see plenty of men of all ages with narcissistic traits bullying women and occasionally, the other way round.

My late husband was never like this with me . We were always equal partners .
His older brother though can be so different. He is the eldest of six whose father died when he was about 14 . His mum put him on some sort of a pedestal and he seems to think he’s very important . I’ve heard him speak to his wife in a disgusting way. We are all in our 70s now and I don’t think he’ll ever change .

Not experienced it in my social circle - none of us would tolerate it. However, behaviour like this clearly exists but is not exclusive to the older generation.
Some sad experiences related on here.

I have never come across so many horrible old men!

There's a lovely poem by Pam Ayres called "They should have asked my Husband" which makes me laugh. I can't do links, but you might be able to find it.

poetryarchive.org/poem/they-should-have-asked-my-husband/

Narcs are very clever people they do not expose themselves to the majority at least coverts do not
If fact they can come over as charming to the majority
Their chosen few suffer but find it difficult to confide in folks as the narcs are so charming to the majority and much of the abuse is subtle snd behing closed doors.
Leaving is not always a possibility for financial reasons and personal blackmail.

Lived it seen it with family and friends it's best dealt with the best way you can. Life is short only you can make life easier for yourself so why suffer.

Interesting to see how varied your experiences are

Be grateful if you’ve not seen this !

I have experienced both narcissism and seen this old fashioned male domineering behaviour

Most women I know would not be subservient to this thank goodness but in some circles I’m in touch with it’s rampant

Seems to be tolerated because of fear

In these set ups the wives were not independant financially and somewhat self deprecating

This seems to encourage this boorish behaviour

I'm very aware of abuse .
I think that my neighbour has destroyed her marriage with her constant verbal onslaught.
She then wondered why her sex life became non existent.
Angry and frustrated-she is never at home but out with friends complaining about him.
But I see more abuse directed at wives and often in insidious ways indicative of narcissistic behaviour .

Gwyllt

Narcs are very clever people they do not expose themselves to the majority at least coverts do not
If fact they can come over as charming to the majority
Their chosen few suffer but find it difficult to confide in folks as the narcs are so charming to the majority and much of the abuse is subtle snd behing closed doors.
Leaving is not always a possibility for financial reasons and personal blackmail.

This I can relate to. Mt ex husband was very charming. Very charming to me when we first met. He changed towards me once married and I had a baby- though remained charming to others.

Always keen to protect his image in public. One occasion just before Christmas he head butted me- resulted in black eyes and by Boxing Day multi coloured bruises down my face. On the way to a family visit I was told I must say that I'd slipped on the ice or the next time would be worse.

It did get worse until I got my light bulb moment and ducks in a row....

I did find it very difficult to confide in others. I did find it hard to leave. And yes emotional black mail followed.

Oh Lemonjam that’s horrific
My husbands behaviour manifested after our first child too
He used the bully them in secret
I wasn’t aware of the extent
I put it down to misdirected anger due perceived lack of attention after the birth ie blaming the child
Always awful at home and lovely outside
Told people ℹ had mental health issues
Became much more selfish and nasty as he grew older
I only relatively recently did my own research to understand this better
I had stayed due financial pressures
Even though very unhappy at times
After our child left home the anger came my way
I was the new victim
Mean , nasty aggressive and increasingly threatening me
I found support very limited or in existent in hiw to deal with this behaviour
I used avoidance -goung out , creating new social groups etc
Not a solution but made me feel better
I’m trying a new path now remains to be seen how this will pan out

My heart goes out to you❤️

No I have not seen any husbands in my older friend circle and beyond, like this (the opposite in fact ) All my circle of friends and beyond seem to have very level relationships in retirement. My own Dad always did everything willingly for my mum.
I ve lived through abuse as a younger person so can definitely recognise it very clearly

Horti ❤️ Good luck on your new path- you deserve happiness.

I woukd like to 'Watch' this thread ro enable me to read it again but I can't find how to do it! I googled it and it said to click on the eye picture but I can't see an eye anywhere! Could a more experienced Geansnetter help please?

Sorry for misspelling, I pressed the Post button instead of the Preview button 🙈