What am I doing to myself!

Nanster77 sorry, but this is too much for me to unravel. You are moving abroad (I presume he is coming with you), you think she's coming with you ... I can't make head nor tail of that bit really, but if she is coming with you, I think that says something about her relationship with your husband.

One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given was to get on with my life and focus on doing what I have to do to the best of my ability, and let others sort themselves. Getting on with your life means you may have some decisions to make ...

Good luck

I am not sure this is a "perfectly good marriage" - so much lack of trust, on which marriages are founded.

I am also finding it complicated to unravel, but would simply say you should do what YOU want.

I've read this twice and am not entirely sure it's not a wind-up. Sorry, OP, if it's not but it does read like the plot of a fairly dire novel.

First, if you don't trust your OH, then it isn't a "perfectly good marriage", is it?

You talk about the house you've lived in all your life so I'm assuming this was originally your parents' home and you've inherited? In which case, why don't you stay? Let OH go abroad to take care of his parents or to put proper care in place for them. (What is happening about his job, by the way?).

If you're below retirement age, then is there anything to stop you finding a job to support yourself in his absence?
See how you feel after a few months apart. You may miss him dreadfully and decide to sell up and join him overseas or you might find life alone preferable to the strain of constant suspicion.

Oh, and do delete Facebook, Whatsapp and all those silly things from all your devices. It's easy to be driven crazy if you let yourself get wound up by someone so don't allow them the opportunity.

Whatever you do will be a challenge: either the experience of learning to live as a single person or, if you stay together, you will need to learn to trust OH and he will need to earn your trust and learn to help you cope with your doubts and suspicions. Maybe some joint counselling would help?
Good luck.

Thank you for your comments, I suppose it does sound like a wind up, a fairy tale..... Probably because I've thought of nothing else for the last 3 years! Like hubby says it's all in my head and I think I've blown it out of proportion, overthinking.... adding in the bits that I don't know. They say your thoughts can lie to you! I'm moving with him to take care of his parents, I just get that feeling that she won't be far behind us.... by stuff she put on Facebook. We live in council property, we exchanged with my parents a long time ago. I'm not at retirement age yet nor is hubs, he is taking semi retirement to go over. It is a trust issue and his way of helping is to more or less say put up and shut up, we went to relate but relate said that she thought I was filtering Facebook, I did point out that if the woman had put several things on fb and I chose the one of two things that meant something then I would agree but it's not, it's just one post..... Example hubs and I went fishing and she puts a post with a man fishing or my son and hubs playing chess one Sunday afternoon and she puts a post from a site called father and son sundays!!!! Because relate said that about filtering my hub said to her that he don't need to go back anymore coz I'm the one with the problem, I'm the loopy loo as he put it too her, she agreed that I had mental health issues, I felt like she had taken his side coz when we got out he said, told you it's all in your head, nobody can see it only you! I feel so crappy, I know what I've got to do but I didn't want any of this!!

Tell him you will not be moving with him, take a few months apart to evaluate the situation. Just saying this may make him realise just how much you are affected by this. You obviously don't trust him and he has to take some steps to reassure you if he wants the marriage to continue. Don't read this woman's social media posts. It could well be that there is nothing between her and your husband but she is posting these things to wind you up, or they could just be a coincidence.

Thank you Oldwoman70, I will stop looking at fb etc, it does mess with my head, for some stupid reason I think that if I can see it happening I can stop it..... I am honestly gone in the head, I can't think straight. I convince myself that I do trust him, if he could admit to it and stop I would be happy but that's not how it works is it, every time he went out either now or when we move, I will still be thinking the same stuff! We did have a lovely marriage, we did everything together, we had such a laugh, I never once thought anything bad about him, he went away for work, he's been to stay at his parents abroad without me, never once did it enter my head, just 3 years ago I started to notice a change, something didn't seem right. Since reading these comments I think I know that our marriage is all but over! I can't see how we will ever be happy again together but in saying that even now if I don't think about it or say anything we are still good together..... Probably why friends and family can't see it either..... Think I need locking up lol! ? x

If you do have mental health problems, it is nothing to be ashamed of and there is help out there if you talk to your GP.

Start taking control of YOUR life and stop being a doormat and a downtrodden wife to a very calculating “ other women”

It’s obvious he having some kind of relationship with this other women but you just can’t and don’t want to believe it.
I have been in your shoes
So I know how your feeling.
Send him packing
Get good legal advice
Let him look after HIS parents
And you go down to your nearest DWP and get good advice on benefits /job advice council tax advice and talk to your dr in case you need support.
You will find once you get all theses things sorted you will feel stronger and become a very independent women and a very calm happy person maybe for the first time in many years.
Let the other women support him in parents care she won’t lady long and she even might start to envy YOU
Good luck you can do it x

Ops ...She won’t last long

Hi Nanster.....looks like this 'other' woman is a nasty piece of work. Why would she put all these things on FB, things that are going on in your family? And btw how does she know all this? Is your husband giving her a running commentary of what you and he are doing or what your husband and son are doing ...or perhaps since you are friends, maybe you are telling her. But that gives her no right to put it on social media.
I don't think you are mentally ill.....you are being manipulated into thinking you are mentally ill. I am divorced due to a philandering husband....I felt I was going mad and the mental scars still remain but I am getting on with my life. I live alone , and would not even consider going out for coffee with a man, let alone have a relationship.
I don't think all is lost......until you see something concrete, I would fight to save the marriage. This woman probably does have her eyes on your man, but maybe he's not really interested in her and she is jealous and angry.
All the best Nanster !!

Nanstar77 you need to put yourself first.
You are unable to have any control of your husband or any other women in his life.

As they say on mumsnet you need to get your ducks in a row.
My advice:
1, Do not give up your council property.

2 Go to the Doctor and request counselling
Or if you can manage it a paid counsellor

3 sort out your financial situation.
A visit to citizens advice will be able to help.

All of this should make you feel more in control.

If you give up your house you may feel trapped in a foreign country and if when you come back you would be bottom of the housing list.

Think also how you would feel without your close family support.
Let your husband go and look after your in-laws and draw breath.
If your husband decides he no longer wants to contribute to your rent you maybe able to have the rent book in your name.

Again the citizens advice would help also
re benefits whilst looking for work.

If you decide to divorce somewhere down the line then you are probably entitled to part of his pensions.

I would also stop trying to talk to family and friends until you have received some counselling. At moment they will probably be thinking they have heard it all before. Sorry I know that sound harsh.

Good luck
Try to stay strong

Individual counselling rather than marriage counselling at this time. I think you need to sort through your own feelings and worries first to be able to get anything out of counselling with someone else.

Also, if you feel yourself you’re struggling with your mental health, please see your GP. They have access to lots of resources that might help you get your thinking back together if you feel it’s scrambled just now.

Again I agree with others don’t go don’t give up your house if they are having an affair let it go you ll be better off without him however much fun you used to have you’re not having much fun now are you ?
If he’s not having an affair ( and I think he probably is women’s intuition is usually right ) he doesn’t sound very nice telling you you’re loopy etc he and she have spent the last three years manipulating you to believing you are mentally ill and it is a classic way of undermining someone’s confidence THEY ARE DOING A JOB ON YOU Nanster and I feel very cross on your behalf Do not get couple counselling, you need some confidence building and belief counselling
For what it’s worth I don’t think you are exaggerating your thoughts how else would she know where he is at weekends she sounds a nasty piece of work and he needs a wake up call

As others have said please don't make any big decisions that have long term consequences (such as selling your house, moving overseas etc) while you are in your present state of severe distress and confusion. Please seek good counselling asap to help you unravel what appears to be happening in your life.

Someone once said to me that you know you are dealing with a real nutter when you doubt your own reality. Whether the "nutter" is your husband or the other woman remains to seen but you really need outside expertise to help you find that reality. Good luck and take care of yourself because it doesn't sound as though this is going to be easy. ?

you deserve better than this. He is not caring or kind and she is a bitch. Make sure your own Facebook page is private, then she will not know anything about you. She is nothing to you.

Thank you everyone, I shall try and answer some of the comments. I've not spoken to this person since last year at her mum's funeral.... Unfortunately this person is something to me flossie777, she's my cousin! Before that I hadn't spoke to her for about 3 years when I went to her dad's funeral. I have had counselling both nhs and private, have been to Dr also relate, once with my hubs and once on my own but couldn't do anything for me coz of my mental health, they referred me back to counselling because I mentioned that I didn't want to be here.... I did conigitive therapy but they stopped that because it wasn't working..... It's very difficult asking someone to be mindful and in the moment when they don't want to be in the moment, I wanted to be anywhere else but in that moment.... if you can understand that. I have read every self help book, and googled stuff but all's I think now is that it's all crap, to me it says "you can do whatever you want, you have no control over anyone but yourself" yes that's true but that's not a green light to go out and shag who you want..... They don't mention having morals!! Anyways I have managed to drag myself out of the hole, I am stronger and I stand up for myself more, I don't cry as much but I do have the off days like today, come tomorrow it will be me against the world again for a little while. I'm not certain that he realy wants to move, I'm the one that has sorted everything out, he has three things to do which need to be done soon as we go in 2 weeks and he's done nothing, so I have stopped doing stopped asking..... I think I'm better off staying here like some of you have said, I need my family around me.... I have blocked her on facebook, I did that a few weeks ago but I do have a peek now and then and I had deleted my watsap account but I 're installed it on another phone, I will deactivate that again tomorrow when he's not around. I have a busy day tomorrow but I'm going to check out a few things.. citizens advice and council. Thank you once again everyone, it's been nice having different opinions and help instead of the cold shoulder that I usually get. xx

So she is your cousin. A pity that you didn't state that in your original post. This possibility puts an entirely different light on things.

I have no contact with her sparkly1000, not since we were younger, I was married to my hub then. She used to tell me stories about the married men she went out with, the secret phone, the secret credit card and bank account, how the men took just a certain amount out of there joint account to pay for it, so the wife wouldn't get suspicious, she told me everything, thought it was so funny, told me about how she would wind the wives up.... This was before Facebook etc. She is a nasty person, not just coz I think she's with my hubs but coz I know her. Yes she is jealous of me, I had found out years ago that she had been with everyone of my fella's..... I think her and hubs have been an item since her dad died coz hubs mentioned that he saw her while she was walking the dog, funny enough he lost his wedding ring the same day and I've just remembered that!!!! x

I don’t think it makes a jot of difference whether she’s your cousin or your neighbour or you’ve never seen her before, you have a lot of reason to believe she’s messing with your husband and he with her
I think you have been stewing about this for long enough You have put all the blame on yourself and your own mental health you ve sought out counselling CBT etc etc to no avail could that be because you’re with the wrong person and you can’t put things right while you re in this relationship you can however put things right FOR YOU when you are outside it
No one can tell you what to do only what we think we d do in your situation and I d run for the hills and let them get on with it but do get all your finances etc secured before you do Let him do his own arranging his own packing and wave him goodbye with a deep breath of relief
I remember the peace when I wasn’t always on high alert any more

It sounds like your husband is gaslighting you, Nanster77. Have you approached anyone like Women's Aid?

www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-41915425

Bluebelle, when I finished my counselling and she summed up and told me her thoughts she said that I had lived my whole life on my gut feelings and I was having a hard time coz I am trying to convince myself that my instincts are wrong, when hubs asked what she had said and I told him he said that she had made things worse and that she was useless and shouldn't put ideas into people's heads! What an idiot he is...... She is bang on the nail! SueDonim, I did read about gaslighting, when we have a heated discussion of argument he twists what I say and then confuses me, I get frustrated coz I get lost in what I was saying and he's like yes see you don't know, I end up crying out sheer frustration even anger and that's the end of that conversation. I've not heard of Woman's Aid, so thanks for that I shall take a look x

Here's a link, Nanster. www.womensaid.org.uk WA help any woman who's having problems, it doesn't have to involve physical violence. Two different branches of WA have recently helped two friends of mine and they have been superb in supporting them in so many ways. Contacting them doesn't mean you need to do anything, it will just give you some options and make you aware of things you may not know about.

Good luck.

Are you in U.K. Nanster because if so Sue is right Women’s Aid will be totally understanding of your situation they are very used to mental abuse and will know exactly where you are coming from You have been worked on over the years until you believe everything you are told by this man he will twist everything around to make it your fault You have been manipulated and conyptrolled for years and believe me you won’t get out of this relationship without considerable back up and help as everything will be turned around to make you out to be wrong and stupid
Reverse your decision to go away with him stay with your pets your home your grandkids and get help but be prepared for a show down he is used to you doing as you are told and will be thrown completely by your new found strength

Do not go abroad with hubby, do not leave your home. Stop thinking about what he is doing or what the other woman is doing or saying. Look for a job either full or part time, something easy and without stress eg shop work. Start focussing outside your home and outside your head. See if you can help others instead of focussing on yourself.