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Could DD and her daughters move closer to us?

(72 Posts)
Alima Wed 12-Sep-18 06:11:01

DD moved about 80 miles away from our home to be with her partner. Move on ten years and the relationship has broken down. They have two daughters. His life and all his family are up there. Yesterday it became evident that his family are shutting her out, literally by closing the door on her after she had taken the girls round. (Also by arranging to take the girls away in half term without mentioning it to her and she had other plans). When they sell their house would she be within her rights to move her and the girls closer to us or would that be construed as removing the girls from their father? He is a good father although relies on his parents a huge amount. That’s it really, I am worried about my DD and want her nearer us and not miles away with people who don’t care about her.

BlueBelle Wed 12-Sep-18 06:23:21

What does your daughter want to do Alima does she and the girls have other things to keep them there, school, friends, ten years is a long time to be somewhere and she may have more reason to stay than move, but if she’s wanting to come nearer then I don’t see why she shouldn’t, 80 miles isn’t that far and her husband would be able to travel to see the children so there wouldn’t be any reason for her not to so really it all hangs on where she and the girls want to be
Good luck it’s horrid isn’t it

Alima Wed 12-Sep-18 06:29:10

Thanks BlueBelle. She is a nurse, could find work anywhere. Her eldest is in year 3. The little one is 3. They have all his family up there, they have all DD’s family here. Talking to DD last night, she would be happy to move back here, with friends and family. Think she is very worried about what he and his parents (v. Bossy!) would do/say if she even mentioned moving. I wonder if it is allowed lawfully?

kittylester Wed 12-Sep-18 06:46:20

I think legally she can live any where in this country.

But, would the father still have regular contact, how would the girls feel about not being so close? Even if he could see the children, would he?

It is a horrid situation and understandable for you to want them closer.

mcem Wed 12-Sep-18 07:34:55

I think there would be problems if they were moving abroad but 80 miles doesn't seem unreasonable.

Why not do some early investigating re schools and housing, ie the practical side, while she considers what she wants? Might help her make up her mind one way or the other.

I can sympathise as I 've been in a similar situation.

cornergran Wed 12-Sep-18 08:22:38

I do understand how worrying this is. Something similar (but different) is happening in our family. Can I just ask, has your daughter had legal advice? I really wouldn’t think moving closer to support would be deemed inappropriate but best to check. Sounds as if communication is difficult between her and the other family, it may be safer to have some legal advice. Wishing you all well, it’s a very difficult time but there will be a way through.

sodapop Wed 12-Sep-18 08:34:34

I don't think there is any legal reason to stop your daughter moving around the UK
Alima but you do need to consider the impact it may have on on the children particularly with the older one. Changing schools, moving away from her father may prove difficult. As you say the husband is a good father would it be possible for your daughter to talk to him about this and how she feels. 80 miles is not far in the grand scheme of things.

OldMeg Wed 12-Sep-18 08:45:57

There is no legal reason why your daughter cannot move nearer you. There are a few questions she might consider though.

Were they married and might the father want custody of his children?

oldbatty Wed 12-Sep-18 08:52:30

I don't know about legalities, but this situation sounds as if its quite new and upsetting.

Perhaps some breathing space would be a good thing.

Alima Wed 12-Sep-18 09:24:00

Thank you for your input. Yes, the situation is quite new but quite toxic. At least there is no physical abuse involved. No, they weren’t married. He will probably want custody of the girls but is massively influenced by his parents who have in fact interfered a great deal since they have been together. (He is 43 and always does his parent’s bidding. Caused so much hassle between them). You are quite right, it would be hardest for the older DGD.
Whatever happens next will be upsetting for the girls. His job involves travelling around the south east. He could live anywhere down here and it would be ok for work.

oldbatty Wed 12-Sep-18 09:29:43

I guess the hope has to be that the two adults can reach some sort of an agreement. Maybe they could have mediation sessions?

Difficult situation. Why do parents act so selfishly.....they have had their turn and should back off with their son.

OldMeg Wed 12-Sep-18 09:30:58

Then if he might want custody your daugther needs legal advice.

TwiceAsNice Wed 12-Sep-18 09:33:10

My understanding is that if they have never married he doesn't have the same rights in law. If he is travelling with his job it sounds as if he could be flexible about where he could live to stay in contact with the children. It sounds as if it is his parents who are the main problem and as others on here have found out grandparents have no real rights at all. So they might cause a fuss but it's just hot air really nothing enforceable for contact for them, doesn't mean they wouldn't get any, maybe more conveniently for your daughter. I agree legal advice would be helpful see if your daughter can get a free first appointment with a family law solicitor , at least she doesn't have to get divorced

Luckygirl Wed 12-Sep-18 10:07:43

Things are definitely awry - and the children will be picking up on this - if the handovers involve no contact with the care-givers (the other grandparents). I am your sure your DD and the children would be better off with wider local family support that happens in a cordial - or even loving - way.

She does need legal advice before she does this though.

BlueBelle Wed 12-Sep-18 10:27:00

You can move anywhere in uk legally but you can’t take the children overseas without his agreement
If his job is travelling is he not away from their home anyway She should not be bullied into staying in the area if she doesn’t want to but everyone including the children need to be in agreement
We moved right back to my home town when I split up I did wait until July so they could start at a new school for the new term it was somewhat different for me because the children didn’t have a close relationship with their father and his family weren’t nearby He then moved overseas and apart from the odd phone call didn’t bother and in a way I was incredibly lucky as it could have been a lot of coming and going
It’s going to be difficult either way as if she comes to be near you she will need to allow the father regular visitation rights and I suppose that will mean lots of travelling and hand overs or even shared parenting with them having maybe school holidays with him, the court or your daughter and ex partner themselves will have to decide
Oh dear it’s all so sad isn’t it I do wish you and your daughter well Alima

merlotgran Wed 12-Sep-18 10:49:36

We went through this when DD1's marriage fell apart. He had an affair and had no intention of giving up 'the floozie' so at least she had good cause to want to move back from Northern Ireland to be near us.

His family were awful though. They threw every obstacle in her way. Her solicitor was a waste of space (and money) so although it meant removing the boys from everything they had ever known, it had to be done for her sanity.

Your DD has every right to live nearer to you if that's what she wants. The children will soon adapt but she may have to be very firm where her OH and his family are concerned.

Good Luck. It's a worrying time.

luluaugust Wed 12-Sep-18 10:54:50

I agree that a bit of advice would be a good thing, I would say to your DD not to mention about the possibility of moving to anybody else until she has made up her mind as the outlaws sound as if they will make life difficult. As they are not married I think this probably puts a different slant on what can happen, not sure hence legal advice. Good luck.

luluaugust Wed 12-Sep-18 10:54:50

I agree that a bit of advice would be a good thing, I would say to your DD not to mention about the possibility of moving to anybody else until she has made up her mind as the outlaws sound as if they will make life difficult. As they are not married I think this probably puts a different slant on what can happen, not sure hence legal advice. Good luck.

eazybee Wed 12-Sep-18 11:00:00

If your daughter, and her daughters, are happy to move, there is no legal reason to prevent them. The family home is being sold, so there is no emotional pressure to remain there, and as the couple are not married, there will be no divorce proceedings to consider. Her partner's family appear to be excluding her already, possibly a sign of things to come. There is nothing they can do, legally, to prevent her settling elsewhere.
Your daughter does need to take legal advice concerning her financial position with regard to her share of the home and maintenance, and also the father's access rights. It is very unlikely that he would be granted more than joint custody, which would still not prevent your daughter from moving away. There is no prospect of the children being taken abroad, is there?
Personally, I think sooner rather than later would be better; the beginning of Year 3 is a good time for a child to settle into a new school. Your daughter sounds intimidated by her husband's family but obviously, much depends upon the reasons for their split.

JudyJudy12 Wed 12-Sep-18 11:04:11

I understand that your daughter would want to be nearer her family but how would it work with the children seeing their father? I would assume he and his family will have the weekends as short visits would not be practical.
If shared custody is granted, which is likely, how would that work with school.

I feel for the child that is going to have to change schools, leave her friends and the family she has been close to.

Some people on here seem to see the father as 2nd class parent , he may be a bad partner but that does not make a bad father. Imagine if he was your son.

ninathenana Wed 12-Sep-18 11:11:31

DD has been through similar. Anything over 150 miles can be challenged as unreasonable distance. So 80 would be no prprobl.

ninathenana Wed 12-Sep-18 11:13:32


BlueBelle Wed 12-Sep-18 11:28:48

Noone on here has said he’s a bad parent Judyjudy in fact the original post said that he is a good parent but being a bad partner does infringe on parenting and overbearing in laws shutting the door literally on the mother as she delivers the children for a visit is enough to want to get away
Children change schools all the time and whilst not ideal is certainly doable
Usually when parents live a distance apart they make it a holiday thing as obviously weekends wouldn’t be viable but if he’s travelling in his job perhaps he isn’t home all the time anyway and although the grandparents will want to see the children they have no legal rights

Alima Wed 12-Sep-18 12:31:43

Thank you all, there is some wonderful advice on here. Good to know that she could relocate here if she decides that would be best. Excellent idea for her getting her own solicitor. It is good to know that she and the girls will come out of this in one piece. Judy Judy, I don’t have a son. I have two daughters. One was physically abused by her nutter of a husband before she got away and is now living in safety. The elder daughter is going through a really bad time miles away from home. Her partner has the support of all of his family, now closing ranks against her.

CarlyD7 Wed 12-Sep-18 13:28:33

If they are shutting her out now, imagine how bad it's going to get in the future? And if the father can't stand up to them, he's not going to be much help (no matter how loving a father he is). She's setting herself and them up for a miserable future. If they're not married, then the father has no legal rights over the children (sorry, but that's just how it is). A move is always difficult for children but they are far more resilient than we give them credit for (I know - I moved twice before I was 11) and it will be upsetting for them as they come to realise how their father's family is treating their Mum. Sometimes, as a parent, you have to make difficult decisions on the part of children - they'll miss his family to begin with but I'm betting that, within 6 months, they'll have made lots of new friends and their Mum will be happier too (always a bonus!)