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Just venting!

(50 Posts)
grandma1954 Thu 28-May-20 18:57:29

I know I won’t leave my husband of 40+ years. I suppose I don’t want to admit failure. Very briefly - no sex for 20 years - my doing. He had heart attacks then I had 2 major ops and lost my libido completely. He’s not happy about it but has accepted it. He constantly finds fault with me and then won’t speak to me, sometimes for days. I’ve learned to live with it. There’s a lot more but I won’t bore you all. I just needed somewhere safe to write down how sad I feel - and alone. He often starts talking to someone then says I can’t explain, you explain it to them when I don’t even understand what he’s talking about. Same today now he’s ignoring me again. I just want a peaceful life.

Lucca Thu 28-May-20 19:01:33

If you don’t love or even like him why not leave and have some years you might enjoy ? If you like each other but nit fussed about sex then why not be friends who live together ?

Espes Thu 28-May-20 23:02:11

I feel for you - it's hard to think of starting over after 40 years. Lucca has a point - if you get on in a companionable way could that be enough to sustain you? But it sounds like he's a sulker - how manipulative these men are with their silent treatments. Gets right on my wick! Otherwise maybe life is too short to be unhappy all the time?

TwiceAsNice Thu 28-May-20 23:10:42

I feel sorry for you but I left after 42 years . It can be done. I’m much happier . I would like you to be too.

Coconut Sat 30-May-20 09:39:25

Life is for living, not just existing ..... you must find some happiness otherwise it’s just such a waste of such precious time.

Snoopy66 Sat 30-May-20 09:40:04

I’m in the same situation, we’re friends rather than partners it gets lonely being on your own all day while he plays on his PlayStation in his own room. We haven’t slept in the same room for 20 years, but I prefer that as he comes to bed at 1am every night then wakes up at 10am and plays his games all day whilst I’m sat on my own. I thought of divorce, but that scares me, who would have me now, he controls all the money so I don’t know how to pay the bills etc. I could go on but just wanted to let you know you’re not on your own. Big hugs. Xx

Taliya Sat 30-May-20 09:41:16

Sounds like he is not happy , you are not happy so maybe the best thing is to leave . You can start again at any age. It's feels more difficult to do when you are older but you'll probably be a lot happier and meeting new people etc isn't that difficult now we have social media etc. Maybe you just need to have a good heart to heart with him and then decide what to do?

Dorsetcupcake61 Sat 30-May-20 09:43:10

It's a massive decision. I've been divorced a long time. Occasionally I envy the security,mainly financial. I also know how much compromise there has been,mainly by my female friends. Despite this I'm happier on my own. All you can do is form an honest picture of the alternatives and do what is best for you. My ex husband was a sulked,but could turn on charm when needed. Dont miss that. Good luck and best wishes💐

Dorsetcupcake61 Sat 30-May-20 09:49:38

Can I just add that it wasn't until after the relationship ended i realised how emotionally abusive he could be,and you do sound worn down by him. I understand your sense of failure too,i felt it after 12 years. It can however be overcome when you are away from the situation and may see it in a different light.xxx

helgawills Sat 30-May-20 09:50:06

How sad. You need to build up your self esteem, you are worth more, same for you, Snoopy66. Find something you enjoy doing and where you can improve your skills, crafts, art, gardening, puzzles, dance, exercise, whatever you enjoy. Then join online groups where you can communicate with other like minded people, who might become friends. Try and get some fun into your lives, who knows where it will lead? Good luck!

25Avalon Sat 30-May-20 09:54:15

I do understand. Been married for over 40 years. Sometimes husband is ok but I mostly feel unappreciated and certainly not cherished. He never helps in the house and I was on the point of leaving him 5 years ago but then he had major heart surgery and I stayed to provide care which was quite extensive in the first few months and less so now. Sometimes like you I feel sad and alone. I think this has been made worse by lockdown. I used to go out and about which would take my mind off things. Now I’m stuck in I’ve become more emotional and introspective reflecting on I wish. Been depressed a couple of times but tel chats with friends on my interests helped pulled me out of it. Hope this doesn’t seem all about me but I hope it may be of help to you. I feel for you. Keep your chin up. Lots of hugs.

timetogo2016 Sat 30-May-20 10:02:15

TwiceAsNice is spot on.
I left my x after over 32 years and i have never looked back.
Life if for living grandma1954 not just making do.
Bite the bullet and move on to a happier life.

Coco51 Sat 30-May-20 10:05:30

Sometimes it can feel more lonely with someone than when you are alone. Leaving is hard but staying is harder.

henetha Sat 30-May-20 10:14:43

I don't believe that marriage has to necessarily be for ever.
We change as we grow older. I left after 32 years, just could not stand it any longer. It's not easy at first, but it can and does work out eventually. Do you want the rest of your life to be like it is now?
But if you really can't leave then you need to reach some sort of understanding, perhaps separate quarters if your house is suitable, and lead your own lives while still sharing the property. I wish you well.

Caro57 Sat 30-May-20 10:27:11

‘He constantly finds fault with me and then won’t speak for days......’ What on earth have you got to lose by leaving him? Have your own space where you can be yourself and discover that you do not have lots of faults rather you are a lovely person with a charm and intelligence and personality all of your own

Beanie654321 Sat 30-May-20 10:27:24

It really sounds like you need to walk away and enjoy some time. It's not failing it's been a time of learning. I've been married for 40 years in November and I must admit I could have quiet often been done for spousal murder as partners are not that easy to live with, but for me those times are few and far between and even in lockdown I wouldn't have changed any thing. I'm also a great believer that if some thing is not right then change it and start again. You need to enjoy life and marriage is not a life sentence, it must be a time of respect for each other and a time to enjoy each others differences and to share, not a time of subservience and ensuring the man of the house is always right, as they are not. Go and enjoy your life as it is to short to stay in a relationship that is not there. Good luck. Xxxx

grandtanteJE65 Sat 30-May-20 10:43:29

I am greatly in doubt that you will have a peaceful life with him. It may well be sexual frustration that is behind his behaviour.

It sounds to me as if you might both be happier apart, and there is nothing wrong with admitting that.

RosesAreRed21 Sat 30-May-20 10:44:51

I feel for you so much, I too went through something similar, but I was brave enough to get out and haven't regretted it at all. But its not easy

rizlett Sat 30-May-20 10:56:41

www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse

Elijah Sat 30-May-20 11:14:16

Half a life is no life at all! You will not be admitting failure but will be showing that you are a strong woman. You are worth more than just putting up with his treatment of you. I know it's hard to start again but it's worth it to be happy. ❤️

Daisymae Sat 30-May-20 11:26:26

Sex is a pretty good barometer in most relationships. Seems that you have been living apart for almost half of the time you've been together and you are both very unhappy about it. Intimacy is lost and it's easy to fall out of love. I wonder if you need counseling as a couple to move forward? The alternative is that you serve out your time.

Juicylucy Sat 30-May-20 11:33:28

Sexual frustration is most likely behind the sulks, he’s resentful. I read an article earlier this year from a divorce lawyer that in last 10 years divorce has increased by 37% with the older generation the silver brigade they call us. Apparently women are no longer happy to stay in a miserable marriage in later life. Most of them agreed it’s the best thing they ever did the relief it gave them allowing them to live there life there way. I’ve been single for 3 years ( my doing) best choice I’ve made in years. This is your only life there is no dress rehearsal.

Hithere Sat 30-May-20 12:03:52

You deserve to be happy.

It is never too late to make a change

sodapop Sat 30-May-20 12:12:10

Not failure at all Grandma1954 neither of you are happy and life could be so much better.
Start looking now at how you can move on from this relationship when the current situation allows. Many of us on GN have left unhappy relationships after many years when we are older. I always say its better to be happy and content alone than miserable with someone else. Woman up and go for it, good luck.

annep1 Sat 30-May-20 12:20:49

I thought of divorce, but that scares me, who would have me now

Snoopy66 you don't need someone to have you. Lots of my friends are happily on their own.
Grandma1954 never too late to change. All the constant stress of living with this will affect your physical health as well as mental. I was much happier in my own little house with less money.
It's up to you.