Just venting!

The biggest failure you can have in life is wasting it being unhappy. If you consider that after 40 years you have failed (!!!!) it is incredibly self damning of you. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge your staying power to stick with a marriage you didn't find fulfilling for so long. You only get one shot at life so even if you don't find another relationship to have, at least live your life without somebody wearing you down by their bad behaviour. You could reframe it in your mind, if you are feeling particularly generous towards your husband, that you are setting him free to be happy too. Instead of looking at the negatives of being single, think about the positives and imagine a life of self fulfilment. Find out what your financial status would be (including any state help) and when lockdown is over, seek legal advice so you can make a good decision for you.
I have a friend who was forced to make a decision about her unhappy marriage even though she was scared to death about the financial position. 15 years on, she has managed financially despite a staggering mortgage. She is very happy even though she has lost a partner to cancer and her new partner has now been diagnosed with prostate cancer. Although she is worried about the latter, suffered greatly at the loss of the former, at least she has known she was loved unlike in her marriage to a brutish, alcoholic.

snoopy who would want me now why do you feel you can’t be complete without a man in your life please open your mind, you don’t have to be half of anything
Now grandma to your sad story, you initiated ended the sexual side of your life 20 years back (understandable through illness etc)but you add he was not happy about it have you perhaps thought how difficult this is for him
I also feel a bit of stubbornness on your part when you say I won’t leave because I don’t want to admit I failed that’s just silly and a bit pig headed or are you scared and that’s an excuse ....you would probably both be better apart then he can find a new partner and perhaps renew the sexual side of his life so are you both putting up with what you don’t want
life is blooming short Get some couple counselling and make some decisions for both your sakes and don’t ever say never

You say you won't leave him. You seem very clear on that. You then say that he wasn't happy with it but accepted no sex for 20 years - your doing. Do you feel sure that he has accepted it, because it looks like a possible cause of the situation you now find so unbearable.

If you had decided to leave, there are many reasons why this would give you a different life and probably eventual happiness on your own. Since you say you won't leave, can you not sit down and have a really big heart to heart with him. If he's sulking, why not write him a letter/note saying that you need to talk to him and you'd like to do this at a time when he is feeling more kindly disposed towards you and willing to put cards on the table, because you don't want to go on living like this. This might be sufficient motivation for him to turn things over in his head and feel that he can be honest and make a start on sorting out this uneasy truce in which you seem to be living.

Don't forget in any discussion, explain honestly how you feel, saying "I'd like" or "I feel", for example, don't start sentences with "you", especially if you are criticising; and make sure that you get a full hearing as well as giving him the chance to show his true feelings. After that, you may find a way forward - even with counselling; or you both might agree that it would be better and far more sensible to start again in life as a divorced couple. If he doesn't want to talk, then he possibly doesn't care enough about a life together, and you will need to think long and hard about your future and make some decisions, before you waste more precious time.
Good luck.

I was in a bad marriage for over 20 years and wanted to leave badly it didn't dawn on me about our 4 children's I just wanted out our youngest 2 was 12 then he started a affair with 1 of my friends and left me it was the best thing that happened and I have never looked back and I can say the children didn't suffer think about what you want and the kind of life you want

I totally agree with coco51. I was married for 42 years. He was, and probably always will be the love of my life, but when he left for a woman our daughter’s age it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Leave him. Find yourself. Get a life of your own. Please, please don’t consider that a failure.

What a sad post, I always think though if you aren’t happy and none of you really sound as if you are then why not part, you only have one shot at life, what a waste of time and energy feeling as you both do, I left when I was much younger and it was the best thing I ever did, you say you feel sad and alone, but if you parted ways yes you would be on your own, but not be living on egg shells, do you really want to live the rest of your days out just existing, I’m not meaning this in a harsh way, but you are worth so much more, think of how happy you would feel and a big weight off your shoulders to do things you really want to do, life is so short, make that move for yourself which also allows your husband to move on also

I’m the OP. Just changed name. Thank you all for your input. I only gave the briefest of explanations as I felt the need to vent safely. There’s been so much more in our 40+ years together but I’ve always Been one to stand my ground so it’s been a rollercoaster ride. When I think of leaving I ask myself do I want to live without him? I always answer myself no. So that’s why I stay. Don’t get me wrong there have been many many great times together but it’s always been a volatile relationship - not physically aggressive, but lots of arguments. Somewhere deep inside me I still love him and care about him. Just finding it harder each day. Huge thank you all for your suggestions and thoughtful comments.

You say you won’t leave as not to admit failure, but it’s already failed anyway ,apart from not being interested in the sex Side of things , I don’t see how you can possible live your life with him constantly finding fault with you and then not speaking to you for days , how awful it must be for you . Leave him and get a life for yourself , being on your own is much better than being in the situation that you find yourself in now , in the precious latter years of your life . Be on your own , find new interests and friends , have some fun , because life is so very short .

Do you have your own interests? Can you get more involved with activities and other people? Of course this will be almost impossible given the current situation but if you can somehow consider making plans like this perhaps that will distract (for lack of a better word) from your situation. You have decided you will not leave so you have to focus on how you will exist with a modicum of happiness.

Please separate I see two unhappy here. Why not start new happy lives apart?

I divorced my husband after a long marriage
I don't want anyone else and happier than I have been for years
Does your husband make you more unhappy than happy?
You can make a new full and happy life alone
You don't need a partner to be happy
You make your own happiness in the end or decide to stay in limbo
I wish you well

I think this is a two way thing, most posters are judging the husband but it sounds pretty equal to me I can understand you not wanting sex but there are other ways and this must be very difficult for him to be living for 20 years in a sexless marriage he may feel very unloved hence the bad moods and the ‘punishing you‘ by withdrawing for days do you ever kiss and cuddle or show love and affection in ways other than sex It sounds as if you have both got in a total rut that you can’t see a way out of so initiate some talking see how he feels
If you really love this man you need help in some form of couple counselling because it sounds 6 to one and half a dozen to the other
Two unhappy people neither wanting to initiate a solution

I know it all too well,I wonder if your Husband is my Husbands twin brother!
Good Luck and live life as you wish.

My husbands ex wife did the no sex thing to him and after 10 years of it he left her and she was so shocked - can’t think why she was shocked as she must have known what a physical guy he is.

BlueBelle
You are so right.

I feel sorry for Grandma 1954, but we are not given the husband's side of the story. It takes two to tango, or not tango as seems to have happened in what seems now to be a very sad and unhappy marriage. I do genuinely feel sorry for anyone who finds themselves in this situation but I have to wonder why you did not tackle the no sex problem when it first happened. Loss of libido is not that uncommon a problem in any marriage but did neither of you sit down as a loving couple and talk about it, and then try to help each other? Your husband's behaviour seems totally unreasonable and must be making you very unhappy, but was there no sign of his character before you were married or in the early years you were together. Has he really changed so much?

Whatever decision you finally take I do wish you all the happiness you can find. Life is not a rehearsal!

I would say that your husband may have accepted no sex in theory but in practice he feels resentful, rejected, emasculated, frustrated etc. Sex is a natural impulse for most people and there are very few tv programmes that don’t contain it or titillate the senses. He probably feels, though maybe won’t admit it perhaps even to himself, that you don't love him enough to make the effort, and it does sound from your post that you are really only staying with him to save face. Is this fair on him or you?

Help is available to overcome your lack of desire ( the female version if viagra, a romantic dinner, looking back at family photos of happier days, just being kind to each other etc ) but if you don’t love him enough to make the effort, it is only fair to leave him. I wouldn’t mind betting he’ll be snapped up by some lonely widow who has been missing sex, within a year! !

Instead of not wanting to be a failure by leaving. Maybe see it as a fail if you stay. Who wants to stay in a failed marriage. Win at life your life, and leave your past life behind. It’s a win win situation

Reading your second post, OP, you say you still love your OH. I think some communication is needed to find out if he feels the same.
If the answer is yes then you need counselling to find a way to stop arguing and treat each other with love and respect.

I entirely empathise. I am married to a sulker, who in 1993 didnt talk to me for 9 months. Not one word. It started August Bank Holiday, and ended the following April. That wasn't the only time, but it was the "biggy". It is a form of control and manipulation. From your latter post, and the comments you made there, you are what they call "trauma bonded" to this man. (Look it up online...Melanie Tonia Evans). I have learned a lot by reading up. We have been married 40 years and my circumstances (mainly financial) have made it impossible for me to go anywhere. That and a fear of the unknown, as I suspect it is with you, too.
We have not shared the same bedroom since December 2008. I love the space of my own room, and no more pressure (if you know what I mean). However,
the lack of "that side" of our relationship is never discussed. My husband also had major heart surgery 5 years ago, after which I helped with his recovery. We now tick along, but more as house mates. To the outside world I'm sure we are viewed as a perfect couple. Strangely enough, so far we have got on really well throughout the lockdown with our enforced imprisonment. I am furloughed from work but I am usually away a lot with my job. Even that would have been unheard of 25 years ago, as he had the old school view of "it's not right that married women are away overnight " (his words) which I had to challenge and fight against when I completely changed careers at the age of 49, unchained myself from an office desk, and became a flight attendant - much to his disgust. He did everything to sabotage my new career, but I stood my ground. It was very, very difficult not to succumb to the sulks, just to get an easy life back. I almost threw in the towel, but didn't, and I am still flying after 16 years. As to leaving, I haven't made that one a reality. I think it gets so much harder as you get older. It's damn frightening, and if, like us, you still have a huge mortgage and not much equity in the house, it's realistically not going to happen. I know so many people on here suggest you both go to counselling. I know for sure my husband would never consider it in a million years! (as there's nothing wrong with him ?). I do feel for you. You are not alone by any means.

I would suggest to him that, as you get on fairly ok and if he shares chores, then suggest you live as flatmates. If one of you found someone else then living arrangements would obviously change.

I've been with my husband 40 yrs and am divorcing him. We don't talk because he was gaslighting and because I was beginning to think I was losing my marbles I stepped away from conversation that always went the same way. It is scary to be starting out again and being locked down in the same house has not been easy but manageable. I could stay in my lovely house where my children were brought up and that has so many memories but I decided that it's just a house and my life was worth more. I have been miserable for years and have hidden it but am now house hunting for something just for me (and the dog) and I have a new life to look forward too without his negativity. It's not easy but please consider divorcing and leaving once you take the first step its liberating.

Wishing you well in your new life tooyoung....

I think you should try and make your own life, I guess your husband will probably find somebody else pretty quickly if he wants to. If you don't like that thought maybe even now you should do something about it.

You say all you want is a peaceful life? Well what more peaceful life can you have than somebody not speaking to you?

After 40 plus years with many of them sexless because you initiated them, then what do you think moving on would achieve? Not getting at you. Just wondering what you would think would be better in your life if you divorce? Would you be prepared to start again with half of whatever assets you have?

Sounds like you have what you want apart from 'conversation'. If that is right then maybe you can pursue some outside interests? Join a group that you are interested in perhaps? Don't sit around hoping your husband will fulfil this - he hasn't done so far. So make new plans, new friends, but doesn't mean you have to leave him or split the house up. If he does, object, in any way tell him...tough!

So many people seem to drag themselves through life putting up with really pathetic relationships. Life is short - and it's for living.

Either make the very best of the situation you are in - or cut the ties and strike out on your own. Make that choice.
Grumbling about it is utterly pointless.

The worst failure ever is to continue to live in unhappiness. Why be so afraid of change when you really have very little to lose, and so much to gain?