Gransnet forums

Relationships

My Friend.

(37 Posts)
beautybumble Wed 24-Nov-21 23:12:04

Hi. My best friend and I call each other several times a week and we get on so well. He lives 240 miles away from me, he's a widower and still mourns his dear wife. I've supported him as much as possible considering we can't meet up very often and always will. He's very lonely and so am I. We are so close that I do sometimes wish we could be together, but neither of us can move because of certain commitments. I've been alone after divorce for 25 years, that long because I was very unhappy with my cruel and selfish husband. My friend and I have recently been talking about how nice it would be to be held and have someone to go out with, etc etc. I feel so very much alone all the time and wish he lived closer, but sadly nothing can be done. There are no answers but it would be nice to hear your opinions. We're both in our early 70s and have known each other since we were 18.

Hithere Thu 25-Nov-21 00:45:52

Why nothing can be done?

lemsip Thu 25-Nov-21 00:50:39

can't you visit each other for a week from time to time and see how you get on......don't be hasty and move in together,,,somethings are better at a distance

CafeAuLait Thu 25-Nov-21 01:20:57

What are the barriers you see? I think it's a good idea to do short visits to each other for maybe a week at a time. Is that possible?

BlueBelle Thu 25-Nov-21 04:24:57

I too wonder what is stopping you, what commitments are so huge that you can’t meet, even half way in a hotel have you ever met ?
I think it’s very sad to care for someone and not be able to see them or touch them Life is short as we get older take what happiness you both can

BlueBelle Thu 25-Nov-21 04:24:57

I too wonder what is stopping you, what commitments are so huge that you can’t meet, even half way in a hotel have you ever met ?
I think it’s very sad to care for someone and not be able to see them or touch them Life is short as we get older take what happiness you both can

BlueBelle Thu 25-Nov-21 04:25:40

Soot my post wouldn’t post so tried again dah

Esspee Thu 25-Nov-21 04:35:39

I once had a long distance relationship where he had elderly parents who needed him and I had my elderly mother dependent on me. We still managed to meet up several times a year. We lived 11.5 thousand miles apart.
If the tie between you is strong then you would move heaven and earth to be together like we did.

Hetty58 Thu 25-Nov-21 06:50:01

You can be very good friends, extremely close even, at a distance, then suddenly find each other irritating when you live together.

The only good reason to cohabit (or marry) is if you simply can't help it - you can't bear to be apart.

Emotions aren't logical so a sensible decision soon goes to the wall and we take a leap of faith. Sometimes it works out, sometimes not.

What exactly are these 'commitments' that hold you back?

M0nica Thu 25-Nov-21 06:54:54

Surely, you could manage an occasional day outing, when you can walk and talk together, hold hands and put your arms around each other.

lemsip Thu 25-Nov-21 06:58:30

they are 240 miles apart! so no

M0nica Thu 25-Nov-21 07:13:41

Not neccesarily. For example, you can travel from London to Bristol by train in just over an hour and a half - and that is half way, roughly 120 miles. That should be possible every couple of months with a rail card and forward booking.

I obviously do not know where they live, but I am sure it is not beyond the bounds of possibility.

beautybumble Thu 25-Nov-21 08:22:24

Thank you for your kind response. The commitments I speak of are that at 72 he still works long hours. He has family and so do I. I do a lot for mine to help out. I would love to visit for say a month and then he could come to me for however long. It takes about eight hours door to door if I go by train and five hours by car. I do realise that its all possible and we could have a much closer friendship than we already do. I just need to do more and think less.

PamelaJ1 Thu 25-Nov-21 08:35:59

There is a saying isn’t there….you only regret what you don’t do.
Not sure if that is correct but hope you get the gist.
What’s wrong with a 2 day break occasionally?

Lucca Thu 25-Nov-21 09:16:50

8 hours by train to do 240 miles ?

Peasblossom Thu 25-Nov-21 09:35:02

I spent several very happy years travelling for long weekends to see someone. And he would come to see me, Absence makes the passion better😬

Sometimes I drove, most often I did train. There was something really daring and romantic, boarding the train -a grey-haired lady off to see her grandchildren?

No, a piece of hot stuff off to meet her lover🥰😳

Kalu Thu 25-Nov-21 09:41:31

Where there’s a will, there is a way.

Coastpath Thu 25-Nov-21 09:51:57

If you both feel the same why, why not meet up for holidays? It sounds as though you could both benefit from a break from your responsibilities. That way you could spend a couple of uninterrupted weeks together somewhere beautiful, new and exciting.

At the end of the holiday you might not be able to face being apart and will have to take action, or will be glad to get home and have some time alone. If it's something in the middle of these two, then maybe regular holidays together will give you both what you crave.

nadateturbe Thu 25-Nov-21 09:52:42

No, a piece of hot stuff off to meet her lover🥰

I like it Peasblossom

Coastpath Thu 25-Nov-21 09:54:29

Peasblossom Your story would make an excellent book. Do please write it - I'll buy it! I'm going to have fun this morning thinking up a title for it.

silverlining48 Thu 25-Nov-21 10:03:51

When you say he has family am assuming that’s not s wife! Otherwise, if it’s children/grandchildren meeting midway for a few days should not be impossible.
You may then be able to see whether this relationship works for you both.
The holiday option is also a good idea.

Cabbie21 Thu 25-Nov-21 10:05:47

There’s a lot to be said for not expecting to move in together, but surely you could each take a short break and meet on neutral ground half way?

silverlining48 Thu 25-Nov-21 10:07:23

So sorry beauty I missed the fact that your friend is widowed,

FarNorth Thu 25-Nov-21 10:24:15

Do you have the old fashioned idea that you shouldn't suggest meeting if he doesn't?
Perhaps he's reluctant to say anything too.
Why not suggest meeting up, just as friends who'd like to see each other after the stressful time we've all been having recently?
And see how it goes.

Calistemon Thu 25-Nov-21 10:39:40

Has this relationship has always been platonic? Would like to move it on a stage but perhaps he doesn't? Why are you both so hesitant?
It reminds me of a song - We're on a road to Nowhere.

Sometimes dreams are better than reality.
Instead of hankering after what might be but for the obstacles in your way, could you try finding other friends, hobbies, clubs etc where you live. You might find you don't miss him as much as you think if you have a busy and fulfilled social life.
You might even meet someone else!
🙂