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Have I made a terrible mistake?

(44 Posts)
Ellypat Thu 27-Jan-22 22:52:40

I’ve always been unable to stand up to my daughter. She was desperate to own a house and, because property prices where we currently rent are unaffordable, decided to move to a much smaller city. Because I provide most of the childcare for her two children, and because she and my SIL couldn’t afford to buy on their income, I agreed to help them buy a house and move with them. Now everything is settled, I’m having serious doubts. I will have my own small suite in the property, but I’m leaving behind all my friends. My monthly expenses will be quite a bit higher, and the medical care in the new location is inferior. I’m seventy, with health issues, and have spent my meagre savings on this move. It’s too late to back out, and I’m feeling very anxious. My daughter just brushes off my concerns. She has always got her own way, and neither I nor her husband can change her mind on anything. Does anyone think this can end well?

Eloethan Thu 27-Jan-22 23:02:05

I can understand you feeling anxious about having agreed to this move but hopefully, in time, you will feel OK about it. At first, it will feel strange but try not to be too anxious and focus on building a life for yourself there - join some clubs and make some friends. You say it is too late to back out - do you mean contracts have been exchanged, etc.?

Having said that, if you are truly regretting your decision, given your daughter's lack of understanding and reassurance, I think if it is reversible, then reverse it, particularly if it is you who is making the greatest contribution to this project.

Bibbity Thu 27-Jan-22 23:51:50

Please please speak up! You are giving an unbelievable amount and at such a risk to yourself.

The worrying part is that she brushed off your concerns rather than discussing them and putting your mind at ease.

I am not saying pull out! But this is such a massive decision it surely requires absolute certainty.
Do you have anyone close to you who you can confide in and straighten out your thoughts?

Elizabeth27 Thu 27-Jan-22 23:53:44

It is quite natural to feel anxiety with such a big change happening. Try to remember all the good points as to why you are doing this, when it was first discussed I would think that there were many positives or you would not have started the process.

As you say it is too late to back out now, the situation cannot be changed all you can change is your attitude towards it.

I really hope it works well for you.

Hithere Fri 28-Jan-22 00:32:58

Speak up!

It is not too late not to make a mistake, as you feel this is

Hetty58 Fri 28-Jan-22 00:54:05

Ellypat, as you are 70, with health issues - and currently renting - I'm sure that your daughter will want you nearby, and not just for childcare.

She can't afford to live near you, so it makes sense to move in together. Of course, it's a big change, so you are bound to feel anxious about it, but there are advantages. Why will your outgoings increase? Surely, you'll save on rent?

rafichagran Fri 28-Jan-22 01:45:04

Ellypat You need to think this through. Your daughter brushes of your concerns, you're leaving your friends behind, you state there is inferior medical care, and at 70 you are providing her with childcare.
You also say you cannot stand up to your daughter, far too many red flags for me. Please think about where you will be most happy, as others said you can pull out.
I also dont think at 70 with health conditions you should be expected to provide childcare for your daughter. It seems to me she had gained the most out of this and you have alot to lose.

Hithere Fri 28-Jan-22 01:47:06


Think of this possible scenarios

What if living with your daughter and family doesn't work out? What's the plan then?

What would happen when you cannot babysit?

What would happen when you need care and are not able to live independently?

What kind of cohabitation and co owner rules have you agreed on?

What if your daughter and sil are unable to pay due the mortgage?

All this, paired with being unable to stand up to your daughter, provides some gaps to your plan.

Hithere Fri 28-Jan-22 02:20:01


You have extensive background in this board

Why did you ignore the advice given to you in 2020?


I agree I should be open with my DD, but her mental health is fragile, and she self-harms when stressed. Childcare is very difficult to find here, which is why we have to travel so far. They are financially stressed, and really shouldn’t be having this second child. I am retired and can’t help financially. It’s all such a mess and I can’t see any way out."

Yes, it is a huge mistake and you need professional help to learn to stand up for yourself.

You may have left an abusive relationship of 37 years but entered another afterward?

Go to a lawyer to see what your options are.
You still have time to fix this

Ellypat Fri 28-Jan-22 03:00:03

You’re right, Hithere. But, legally everything is signed, sealed and delivered, so no going back. I’ve had extensive and expensive counselling over the years, first to deal with my lengthy abusive marriage and difficult divorce, then to try to sort out my relationship wi my daughter. Nothing has helped much. I love my daughter, and adore my grandsons, and I’m trying to do the best for everyone. Those who’ve posted encouraging remarks are giving me comfort and courage.

Hithere Fri 28-Jan-22 03:02:50

Why not do what is best for you?

nadateturbe Fri 28-Jan-22 03:45:31

You gave them all your savings and the house is in their name?
If it doesn't work out you can always look for somewhere to rent back where you live now.
Go and enjoy your grandchildren and give it a chance.

Purplepixie Fri 28-Jan-22 03:53:38

Why do you need to go with them? You are asking these questions when clearly you should have asked them before you signed anything over. I’m not getting at you because I have been in an abusive marriage in the past and my head is also damaged but you have to have some life that YOU want to live. It is your time now and why surrender to your next abuser - your daughter. Go along and speak to a solicitor and see if you have a way out of this. Sending you love and hugs and hope you can be happy in the future.

BlueBelle Fri 28-Jan-22 07:06:34

There’s no point asking for opinions if it’s already signed and sealed
Counselling only works if you have an open enough mind to see a new way of working things out You are doing the same you ve always done
You’ve looked at all the negatives and done it anyway so now all you can do is make the best if it all
Not something I would do but it’s done now so make the most of your happiness with your grandkids and enjoy what’s left of your life Good luck

Allsorts Fri 28-Jan-22 07:29:58

Can you back out, it seems everything is signed and there’s no going back. If that is the case go forward and make the most of it, join as much as you can, while you can in your new area, make sure you keep your money for you, start as you mean to go on, don’t give in another inch. Your daughter sounds very self centred. We all have free bus passes, you can meet up with friends, invite them over, establish the life you want, a good start is the local church, there are usually activities they arrange. Then there’s your lovely grandsons there all the time, think positive, be more assertive and make it work, remember you made all this possible for them.

Allsorts Fri 28-Jan-22 07:34:08

Hit here how can you remember everything posted in 2020, with this poster? Do you type in a name and all the information and things come up on a person.. I am very curious. It will make me think very carefully about posting.

nanna8 Fri 28-Jan-22 07:43:34

Make sure you have a private part of the house which is yours and only yours and somewhere you can ‘escape’ to if need be is all I can say. You shouldn’t let your daughter rely on you so heavily really. Not good for either of you and she probably doesn’t realise that as we get older we just do not have the same amount of energy to be running round after little ones. You need to live your life in peace and do things for you not her.

Oopsadaisy1 Fri 28-Jan-22 07:58:53

Allsorts yes you can search on a posters name. You can also Google a posters name and it will show you past posts.

Gransnet also has a Facebook page and information from this site goes onto the Internet where it will stay, presumably for ever.
Some posts, presumably if they are interesting enough, also appear in the Daily Newspapers online.

Elegran Fri 28-Jan-22 08:02:29

Allsorts Yes, you can find past posts. If you type something into the search box at the top of the page, it finds instances of it in the forum, with links to the thread it was in. Also, you or anyone else, whether they are a member of Gransnet or not can use a search engine to find anything that has been put on the internet. That includes posts on here or on any other Social Media, including Facebook.
That is why you so often see forum posts reminding posters not to include any personal details that they wouldn't shout from the middle of the High Street.

M0nica Fri 28-Jan-22 08:52:02

Elliepat Your daughter abuses you just as your husband did previously. Have you ever explored with a councillor why you are so prone to abusive relationships?

Like others I can only but be concerned for your situation when you fail to be of use to your daughter and your needs make demands on her. On the other hand you do not lack self knowledge and you know you are not good at looking after yourself, so you should really have put some work into learning to protect yourself from othe people's unreasonable demands. But you are where you are and have to deal with it.

I think in your current situation there is one thing you can do to help yourself and that is talk to your lawyer and have a legal document drawn up making official all the unofficial details of the agreement with your daughter stating what you are bringing to the deal - the money - and the housing that is to be provided under the deal.

To protect you from utter penury if your D and SiL cannot manage the mortgage payments and the house is repossessed the legal agreement should put a charge on the property that in event that the house is repossessed or sold for any reason, you will be repaid the money you invested in it before anyone else.

Take control of your life, do something to help yourself and insist on a legal agreement, no matter what your daughter says. Do not use the lawyer your daughter is using for the house purchase. make sure that the lawyer specialises in family law, not property or any other branch of law.

We all of us love our children as much as you do, but the vast majority of us do not therefore let our children abuse us or make unreasonable demands on us and you must stop using your love for youe daughter as an excuse for letting her abuse you, financially or any other way.

Franbern Fri 28-Jan-22 09:00:19

What cannot be changed, needs to be endured. Please look at the positives, not just the negatives. Just think how lovely it will be to be in the same building as your daughter, in the future, any time you are not too well she will on the spot to help hyou, provide meals, etc. Also, providing childcare, so much easier in their own home, without you having to go out.

Join the local U3A, etc and make new friends. New chapter in your life, make the most of it. Smaller place, much easier for housework, maybe some nice n ew iems of furniture. Not sure why you think your bills are likely to be higher. Surely, you are only paying your percentage, a fifth if I am correct i thinking there is daughter, SiL and rwo g.children living in this property.

Franbern Fri 28-Jan-22 09:01:35

Sorry, had not quite finished. Surely, your savings were there just for this sort of purpose, to provide a comfortable future both for yourself and help to your family,
Stop looking at negatives......sit back and start to enjoy this lovely new life.

wildswan16 Fri 28-Jan-22 09:09:20

Please try and enter this new part of your life with a positive attitude. Yes, things will be very different, but you have made the decision so now make the best of it.

You must speak to both your daughter and son-in-law together and establish some "house rules". It is your choice what times you are available to help them out. What days are purely for yourself etc etc.

Explore the area, find places to go and things to do. Don't look back with regret, but forward with hope.

GagaJo Fri 28-Jan-22 09:26:32

I think MOnica makes a great point, 'To protect you from utter penury if your D and SiL cannot manage the mortgage payments and the house is repossessed the legal agreement should put a charge on the property that in event that the house is repossessed or sold for any reason, you will be repaid the money you invested in it before anyone else.'

That way you can go ahead with the move but still protect yourself financially.

Riverwalk Fri 28-Jan-22 09:41:03

The OP says it's all signed and sealed - can a protection agreement be put in place respectively?

Even if that were possible I doubt if the OP could present her daughter with such a demand, given the history.