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Standing up to a narcissistic big sister

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Dazy Wed 23-Sept-26 21:14:51

Hello,
I need advice on a deeply painful situation with my older sister, who has been a cold, controlling bully for the past 25 years, with intermittent warmth and a keen interest to keep me in her life. We were close from age 14 to 30, but when I moved abroad and got married, she treated it as a personal rejection and became oppressive and cruel.
For decades, she has genuinely terrified me, and while we still see each other regularly, I am never really comfortable around her. Three weeks ago at my birthday, she made cutting remarks and totally twisted my past in which she showed cruelty yet she ended up the victim, claiming I abandoned her when my marriage collapsed and that I never shared my struggles. In reality, when I reached out terrified back then, she dismissed me, told me I was a burden and years later she ruthlessly bossed me around while I was raising two tiny kids alone after a brain hemorrhage. My dad even recognized before he died that her constant demands were giving me daily, splitting headaches from sheer strain.
I recently lost my cat, and this grief on top of the birthday remarks and a whole catalogue of exceptionally painful treatment has brought me to a complete tipping point. While I know she has faced horrific personal tragedies herself, I am exhausted by her coldness and sick of swallowing her abusive behavior. I desperately want to stand up to this bully, reject her lies, and protect my sanity, but I’m terrified...she has repeatedly said "I DON'T DO CRITICISM" if I've ever tried to stand up to her in the past...
I'm also worried about the guilt - she's very unwell, she could barely move last time I saw her.

How do I finally hold my ground against someone who terrifies me without being consumed by guilt?
I've written it all down in a long letter but knowing her she'll probably see it as an attack on her. She has zero accountability in life.

Thank you in advance

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Sago Wed 23-Sept-26 21:35:35

I’m afraid the only way to deal with a narcissist is to go no contact.

My mother was a classic narcissist and my father a complicated one so I feel fairly well qualified to advise.

You will never win.

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fancythat Wed 23-Sept-26 21:46:20

You will never win.

Agree.
No point even trying to.

It doesnt sound to me like you need to have guilt about what you have done.
But I cant judge you or her.

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Dazy Wed 23-Sept-26 21:53:11

I see, thank you both

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MarieElla Wed 23-Sept-26 22:00:43

Agree with the above. I would start by reducing contact by not messaging her. If she messages answer in a polite way without inviting a reply.

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Wyllow3 Wed 23-Sept-26 22:17:33

I agree too and suggest absolutely minimal contact, ie dont initiate, reply politely but not getting dragged in, live your own life.

However, guilt is a heavy burden, I don't cope brilliantly in that tho its not about family.

Perhaps others here have better advice from me as regards
guilt in these circumstances.

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Grandmafrench Wed 23-Sept-26 22:52:45

Why would you continue to allow anyone to treat you so badly? Three times in your post you say she terrifies you. That’s awful but you see her ‘regularly’ even though she clearly has no decent feelings or she would never treat you in the way that she does. Racked with jealousy over her Sister’s life, a cruel bully, a narcissist? Who knows? But after all this time why on earth would you care? She’s lost the right to have any sort of contact with you, cares nothing for your own sadness, just wants you to be under her control where she can mistreat you, lie and abuse you as and when. Best thing is for you to cut contact. This is not a trivial family fallout - this woman has form, and will continue to spoil your life if you allow it. Very little chance of her changing her behaviour after so many years, so you need to toughen up and think of yourself now and how your life should contain only those who can respect, love and care for you. And she’s not one of them.
Ignore and maintain a silence. Let her distress someone else. She may need help, but not from you. Don’t spoil even one more day feeling guilty, because you have nothing to feel guilty for.
So sad you’ve lost your little cat. Take care, stay strong and I wish you happy times.

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Dazy Wed 23-Sept-26 23:22:12

"and how your life should contain only those who can respect, love and care for you. And she’s not one of them."

This really helped - thanks for writing that Grandmafrench

Thank you all. It's so tragic, I'm really only in contact with her because her adult child was killed...I feel huge sorrow for her everyday.

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