Forgiveness (christian) - is it only possible if someone says sorry or can you forgive permanently without the "sorry" first

*Greatnan, I understand. My own daughter estranged herself for 7 years. I couldn't understand what I'd done, only that she felt I hadn't stood up for her enough (against my partner who she didn't get on well with in later years). I would have done ANYTHING to get her back again. Eventually it seemed to fall into place when her own grandson was born. Very gradually, but it did happen. We've never spoken about it since and each time we leave each other we hug and tell each other we love each other. I could weep now, thinking about it.

I am so happy for you green that you are reunited with your dear daughter, and you are both able to let each other know how much you care. Once something like that has happened, don't you find you are doubly determined to never let it happen again? I bet she feels the same, too

Thank you Carol. I think you're right. I'm finding that I'm beginning to know her all over again, too. She and I tended to have similar ways of looking at life, and as I spend wee bits of time with her (over a coffee, etc), this all comes back to me. She has opinions that I'd forgotten she had, and I think we both make more effort to listen to each other now.

I am very pleased for you, green.

Sad story that a DIL denied access to father and GM of child cause he moved on with GF. So many couples fail in marriage, if young children involved they should not split so easily but work at it. She's hurt and wrongly used child to retaliate. I wish they could forgive each other and family rally round to put them back together. They move on all to quickly so sad. There should be more counselling before commitment and children. Dealing respectfully with each other. Marriage is hard work. I don't think DIL wanted a relationship breakdown it happened and hurt feelings manifested as withdrawal of child, just hurting themselves. I've been hurt by infidelity and no verbal apology, its been life changing, time helps I want a cure for the hurt, I've learnt to put it on back burner but it won't go away. I'm searching to know how to 'forgive' but am aware nothing will ever be the same. I love my husband still but trust an issue.
With love to all those suffering or wrestling with this topic.

We forgive for our own sake and for the sake of our health.

It is possible to forgive and move on even if the other person isn’t sorry. By doing this we are rising above the drama and getting on with our lives.

It’s their loss.

forgiveness is ongoing if the hurt is deep - it isn't going to go away so you have to keep dealing with it.

i find i have a stunning lack of forgiveness for the late former princess of wales. that woman shamed us all in her lifetime, by not respecting the family, role and work she married into and by 'flirting' in public, all around the world (thus supporting the widely held view that 'all white girls are players') and by flaunting herself in the press when modest behaviour would have put a stop to a lot of the pressure she had from them. even accepting that she was probably a warm human being and an excellent mother, thinking of her behaviour still makes me angry all these years later. i do try to let it go. but her behaviour was so shocking and shameful that the anger rises to the surface even now.

No mention of Charles's behaviour, I notice.

We mostly know when we are wrong, and by apologising our guilt is somewhat relieved and the other person (if one is involved) may feel better.

What if you are absolutely certain that you have been unjustly accused?

Re Diana - perhaps we should have a 'deliberately provocative' alert.

Agree with you Greatnan

I have forgiven my daughters ex partner[he was found culpable for her death],
I do not want him to have any further hold on my life,also he is GDs father who she loves and I have to show her that she is entitled to feel that.I have met him in court many times and have been present at very harrowing information and sights no mum should have to see,I am reminded of him every day he is the reason GD is here with me ..but I have forgiven for my benefit as I dont want to be a bitter person and be defined by that,he would then have 'taken ' my life and GD's also,Other members of our family are not as forgiving,that is their choice and they are entitled to feel that way but it isnt for me,it dosent mean that I have forgotten,just that I have forgiven and that has allowed all sorts of lovely memories to be with me.

Nellie, I think your atttitude and strength are wonderful. I am not sure I could manage to forgive in your circumstances, but I can see why you have done it.
It must be very hard not to tell your GD about her father, but no doubt she will see his true colours when she is older. She is so lucky to have you, and you are lucky to have her - she must be a great consolation to you.

nelliedeane in admiration of your attitude!

I second that Greatnan
Nellie

Nellie I applaud your perspective and agree that I too have found forgiveness (not forgetting) to be a healthier option than nursing bitterness.

Greatnan to be unjustly accused of something is harrowing in the extreme, but I think it can make one a much more tolerant person regarding other people's situations and difficulties.

I agree with others- there is only one kind of forgiveness, and it has nothing to do with religion. It is not easy either. Not sure I'll truly ever forget my sil for totally ruining our family and splitting us all up. Often wonder what I'll do if my dear and lovely brother, goes first. Will I find the strength to not go and tell her what I think of her blackmailing and shenanigans? I'm sure if I can, I'll actually feel better about it in some way. She has caused so much hurt and destroyed my parents last 20 years before they died.

I've been very hurt in the last year but agree with Bronte about forgiveness.
Hanging onto the hurt and bitterness only damages me.So although it's hard I keep dealing with 'letting go'

I hope I have always been tolerant of other people's problems.
I tried a rapprochement with my daughter, only to receive another list of ridiculous accusations and a threat that I would never see my GC or great-grandchildren. Fortunately, her oldest girl, who does not live at home, has defied her and recently sent me photos of her little girls.
I don't need to forgive my daughter as I know she is mentally ill - it would be like forgiving someone for having cancer. If ever she realises how deranged her accusations are, I will welcome her with open arms.

Bitterness is spiritually, and mentally corrosive. nellie shows how she has dealt with the concept of forgiveness, and why, and I found that very moving.Thank you, brave lady.

bagitha - it wasn't prince charles who was being annoying. the position with royals is to do your duty and quietly get on with your life - don't make a fuss, keep attracting the tourists, advising prime ministers.

greatnan Re Diana - perhaps we should have a 'deliberately provocative' alert. absolutely not. this is exactly what i feel about the dreadful woman. it is a problem for me as i seem not to forgive - and goodness knows she paid a heavy price for her affair with the press, and so did her sons.
have you thought about how unpleasant your 're diana' comment is? that would seem to me to be provocative.

nelliedeane, your strength is admirable.

gbun, I had the impression Diana found Charles's behaviour very annoying. I didn't follow the news about her (or him) closely but I got the impression that they were each rather pissed off with the other. I felt sorrier for Diana because she, well, didn't seem to be coping too well. Charles had been trained from birth.

Advising prime ministers! The Royals!? Good Lord, please no!

It's parliamen's job to advise the monarch.

Sorry, missing 't'