Religion can be good for your mental health

I was amazed to find out that mothers who had miscarried or had a still birth used to be put in the same ward as mothers who had babies - how very insensitive hospitals used to be.

Thank you for all your lovely support, it has made me cry.

At the time miscarriages were not talked about and I almost felt ashamed. DH, although a lovely man, just didn't understand. I had told him it wasn't too painful and he once said 'it was only emotional' which just showed how little he understood.

The first 2 were bad enough but after DS1 was born they were much worse because once you have held your own baby in your arms all subsequent pregnancies are different because you know how it feels to be a mother. After 4 miscarriages my body wasn't having any more and I couldn't get pregnant. I had investigations for infertility and discovered that DH was super stud so it was all 'my fault' but then got pregnant. I've done all the lying down throughout the pregnancy, stitched cervix etc. and finally losing the twin of DS3. Now I wonder if it was all because my thyroid wasn't working properly as I have since had it removed.

I am so glad that nowadays everyone is more sympathetic and there is an organisation for people who miscarry and no stigma at all. I have been able to help others in my situation since but it still makes me very sad when I hear about it and also when children are not cared for as they should be. They are so precious and deserve to be loved.

Sorry for all this sadness but it just poured out.

You don't sound like a cold fish to me, Margaret. I was not brought up in a touchy-feely family so it is no easy for me to show my emotions physically. I do get a hug from my family in New Zealand when I visit, except one gd who hates anybody touching her.
I remember the days when footballers shook hands when they scored - but of course they were not getting huge bonuses in those days. Now, they leap on each other's back and generally behave as if something heroic has been achieved.

Joan how awful about your lost baby. My daughter is a midwife and these days you would have seen the baby and it would have been buried in a cemetry so that you and your husband would have felt like parents- which you were of course. It has a lot to do with the identity crisis of feeling like a mum and having no child. DD delivered a still born child once and she was there all day and took photos of it in the arms of its parents. DD was in tears all day about it. I'm speaking about Germany I don't know how it would be in the UK.

Living abroad I notice developments in the Uk just by seeing them from a distance. This hugging is something which has grown over the years. It started on the football field. In my generation men didn't kiss and hug each other openly and now it is accepted as normal by those who haven't been around long enough to remember when things were different.

My GCs are in age when they don't like to be hugged or kissed except by their own choice. In our family this is respected and is considered a good thing as such children are not so willing to be touched by strangers.

As to virtual hugging which goes on on GN. I can't understsnd how it can help at all. I sound like a cold fish but it is not true at all.

I have enormous sympathy for anyone who has either miscarried or had a still-born baby. My daughter's SIL had a scan at about 5 months and it was discovered that her baby had died. I think she had to be induced to deliver normally - how terrible to go through that and not have a baby at the end.
Once our pregnany hormones kick in, everything in us prepares for motherhood.
My grand-daughter has coeliac disease, and I don't know if it relevant but both her babies suffered from a failure to grow after about 7 months. She had to be induced at 36 weeks but both babies were fine, albeit only about 5 lbs. They are now 4 and 2 and remain quite small compared to my grandson's two little girls - it was very marked at the wedding when they all stood together.

Soop I too lost a baby around the 6 months mark. This was in 1977 in New Zealand: the medical staff were quite matter-of-fact about it all: no sympathy whatsoever. Luckily my husband was there to provide the hugs.

One nurse told me the baby had been a beautiful dark-haired little boy: I had not been allowed to see it - they whisked it away after delivery. Then when I had gallons of milk, they bound my breasts. It was dreadfully painful and didn't work - the milk kept coming. In the end I got discharged and my GP gave me some pills, with much muttering about the failure of the hospital. Later I had two healthy boys in 1979 and 1982 but could not provide even one drop of milk. That breast binding must have nobbled me.

Anyway, about religion: I have a male relative who is dying of cancer at only 50 years old. We are a family of atheists, but he has turned religious - an evangelican branch of the C of E. We have kept our mouths shut about it - if it gives him comfort, so be it.

soop, I can't remember being actually hugged very often, can you? I don't mean that to sound 'pathetic', but when we really needed comfort like that, in those days, there was no-one there who may have realised how important it might have been to us. A quick peck on the cheek from a parent, but no warm, comforting hugs. Just how it was, really.

Sorry you didn't have anyone to hug you soop. That's very sad. I do know that at times like that a hug can mean so much as Alison found out.

I'm glad you had your hug, Alison. Hugs weren't all that plentiful,when we were younger, were they?

Alison I understand how much that hug meant to you. I lost two babies. One at nearly six month stage of pregnancy. I had no one to console me throughout. A hug, albeit from a stranger, would have meant so much to me.

Sometimes when words seem trite, a hug just seems natural and right. But air kissing, I hate especially if both parties are wearing specs.

I hate people who keep on touching you!
I've a judge (female) who does it. I keep edging away but she seems to follow! Help!

Alison - I would have loved a hug like that. What a tough time you must have had and it's delightful to hear you carried on and had your 3.

Gosh, Alison! That must have been very hard, especially if you had them all before you had any kids. Glad you succeeded in the end . Have you heard about the latest research on recurrent miscarriages? Apparently it's now thought that the most fertile women have more miscarriages than others because their uteri are so good at implanting even unviable embryos.

Anyway, I reckon I would have appreciated that hug too. Glad you got it

Alison, in the circumstances, you needed that hug more than anything.

I'm sorry too, Alison. I had two miscarriages and those were both heartbreaking, but thank goodness got there in the end!
I absolutely hate air kissing and hugging people you hardly know. A handshake is traditional and straightforward and there's none of that awkward lunging...

JO4 thanks. Yes I finally succeeded with 3 out of 10 and I love them all to bits!

It means the same as a handshake, which is not nothing.

That air kissing is stupid. Means nothing.

That's very sad Alison. I'm glad you went on to become a mum and a granny.

I think the hug would have been very welcome.

I am not criticising either her or you , Alison, I am just saying that I don't like to be touched by strangers. I have just about got used to the kiss-kiss habit every time I am introduced to somebody here. And it is kiss-kiss-kiss in Switzerland.

Greatnan I have no idea whether she was religious or not, she was just a mother who had had children without difficulty and felt so sorry for me and all that I had gone through. It was the middle of the night and I was crying because I could hear a baby in the side ward. I don't know how else she could have shown how deeply she felt.

Each to his own, Alison. I don't want to be hugged by a stranger. (And especially not if the stranger was religious!)

When I was having yet another miscarriage I was hugged by a Ward Orderly who was a complete stranger and I really appreciated it. She was so sympathetic and understanding. Sometimes a hug from a stranger can be just what you need.