Religion can be good for your mental health

Sorry you didn't have anyone to hug you soop. That's very sad. I do know that at times like that a hug can mean so much as Alison found out.

soop, I can't remember being actually hugged very often, can you? I don't mean that to sound 'pathetic', but when we really needed comfort like that, in those days, there was no-one there who may have realised how important it might have been to us. A quick peck on the cheek from a parent, but no warm, comforting hugs. Just how it was, really.

Soop I too lost a baby around the 6 months mark. This was in 1977 in New Zealand: the medical staff were quite matter-of-fact about it all: no sympathy whatsoever. Luckily my husband was there to provide the hugs.

One nurse told me the baby had been a beautiful dark-haired little boy: I had not been allowed to see it - they whisked it away after delivery. Then when I had gallons of milk, they bound my breasts. It was dreadfully painful and didn't work - the milk kept coming. In the end I got discharged and my GP gave me some pills, with much muttering about the failure of the hospital. Later I had two healthy boys in 1979 and 1982 but could not provide even one drop of milk. That breast binding must have nobbled me.

Anyway, about religion: I have a male relative who is dying of cancer at only 50 years old. We are a family of atheists, but he has turned religious - an evangelican branch of the C of E. We have kept our mouths shut about it - if it gives him comfort, so be it.

I have enormous sympathy for anyone who has either miscarried or had a still-born baby. My daughter's SIL had a scan at about 5 months and it was discovered that her baby had died. I think she had to be induced to deliver normally - how terrible to go through that and not have a baby at the end.
Once our pregnany hormones kick in, everything in us prepares for motherhood.
My grand-daughter has coeliac disease, and I don't know if it relevant but both her babies suffered from a failure to grow after about 7 months. She had to be induced at 36 weeks but both babies were fine, albeit only about 5 lbs. They are now 4 and 2 and remain quite small compared to my grandson's two little girls - it was very marked at the wedding when they all stood together.

Living abroad I notice developments in the Uk just by seeing them from a distance. This hugging is something which has grown over the years. It started on the football field. In my generation men didn't kiss and hug each other openly and now it is accepted as normal by those who haven't been around long enough to remember when things were different.

My GCs are in age when they don't like to be hugged or kissed except by their own choice. In our family this is respected and is considered a good thing as such children are not so willing to be touched by strangers.

As to virtual hugging which goes on on GN. I can't understsnd how it can help at all. I sound like a cold fish but it is not true at all.

Joan how awful about your lost baby. My daughter is a midwife and these days you would have seen the baby and it would have been buried in a cemetry so that you and your husband would have felt like parents- which you were of course. It has a lot to do with the identity crisis of feeling like a mum and having no child. DD delivered a still born child once and she was there all day and took photos of it in the arms of its parents. DD was in tears all day about it. I'm speaking about Germany I don't know how it would be in the UK.

You don't sound like a cold fish to me, Margaret. I was not brought up in a touchy-feely family so it is no easy for me to show my emotions physically. I do get a hug from my family in New Zealand when I visit, except one gd who hates anybody touching her.
I remember the days when footballers shook hands when they scored - but of course they were not getting huge bonuses in those days. Now, they leap on each other's back and generally behave as if something heroic has been achieved.

Thank you for all your lovely support, it has made me cry.

At the time miscarriages were not talked about and I almost felt ashamed. DH, although a lovely man, just didn't understand. I had told him it wasn't too painful and he once said 'it was only emotional' which just showed how little he understood.

The first 2 were bad enough but after DS1 was born they were much worse because once you have held your own baby in your arms all subsequent pregnancies are different because you know how it feels to be a mother. After 4 miscarriages my body wasn't having any more and I couldn't get pregnant. I had investigations for infertility and discovered that DH was super stud so it was all 'my fault' but then got pregnant. I've done all the lying down throughout the pregnancy, stitched cervix etc. and finally losing the twin of DS3. Now I wonder if it was all because my thyroid wasn't working properly as I have since had it removed.

I am so glad that nowadays everyone is more sympathetic and there is an organisation for people who miscarry and no stigma at all. I have been able to help others in my situation since but it still makes me very sad when I hear about it and also when children are not cared for as they should be. They are so precious and deserve to be loved.

Sorry for all this sadness but it just poured out.

I was amazed to find out that mothers who had miscarried or had a still birth used to be put in the same ward as mothers who had babies - how very insensitive hospitals used to be.

Greatnan I was in with a miscarriage and put in the next bed to someone who was in for a temination!

Alison - my DD has been through all of that and more - but now has 2 beautiful boys. She will never forget the lost ones I know, so I am not surprised that it is all "pouring out." We were at a loss as to how to help her, as we felt so helpless really. But now her life is full of her wee boys and she has put it behind her - although not forgotten.

Another DD is pregnant right now and it is a joy to watch a normal pregnancy proceeding! - we had forgotten what they were like.

My niece has just lost a pregnancy following IVF and is very sad - we all are for her - but she has marked the loss with a tattoo with a date (not sure exactly which) on her wrist. I guess she has to do what helps her best, but I cannot help but wonder if a tattoo in such an epxosed place that will remind her endlessly of her loss might make it hard for her to begin to move on.

I used to work in a maternity/womens hospital 30 odd years ago and we had terminations, miscarriages, hysterectomies, normal births all jumbled up on the same ward - I complained about it endlessly - so insensitive.

Alison I for one feel very touched that you are able to let it all pour out on Gnet. We must be doing some good despite the occasional bickering

I'm sending a virtual (((hug))) and some to cheer you up!

Alison I too am sending you a virtual (((hug))). I was sent my first at the lowest point in my life and it was so, so appreciated.

Joan I had previously lost a foetus that had died inside the womb. On the second occasion, I was in hospital for some time, during which I was bleeding. Although the baby's heartbeat was strong, it was decided to be in it's interest, to induce labour. My then husband was serving in N. Ireland. I was in labour all night long. The baby was "stuck" [and it's heart continued to beat.] When at last a doctor removed it, he placed it in the sleauce room [to die] and I was informed by a nurse that it had been a boy. The experience sent me into a depression. I therefore feel compassion towards every mother who goes through such a heartbreaking experience.

Oh soop.....that's so awful. How terribly sad. xx

((hugs)) to all those who would like one. I had to learn how to hug, and now I can, I do. I think you can tell when they are heartfelt.

I have just heard today that my daughter-in-law has miscarried at 3 months. She lives in America and I would give anything to be able to hug her and my son right now.

Butter I'm sending you a warm virtual (hug)...I understand that you must be feeling so sad. xx

Oh Butter how sad for you all

Butternut, I'm so sorry to hear that.

So sad to hear that, Butty.

I am all for hugs - virtual or otherwise - and love the fact that my children always hug me and their friends when we meet; and that my children's friends hug me too! I can't get enough of it!

You're all so kind. Thank you.x

Butty

Butternut - I'm sending a hug. What sad news, and how hard to be so far away. I hope that in the end there will be a happy ending as there was for my DD. We thought it would never happen, but it did.

Butternut sending a hug too, I have been through it and my DIL who feared she would not get pregnant again, she did within 5 months.