Always One?

This woman is a narcissist.
I seem to be drawn to strong characters for friends and most of them are lovely and good fun. Sadly I have had three in my life who turned out to be narcissists. they always start out as outrageous and great fun but then the urge to control or destroy creeps in. I have learned now to gradually withdraw until I actually disappear from their lives. It is not worth the stress. there are lots of nice people out there, who needs controlling bullies in their lives?

I wonder if this person has some sort of mental health issue, maybe the loss of normal social skills is an early symptom of dementia or physical brain disease. I'm not a churchgoer but we had a similar experience in a social group I was part of, a woman behaving very oddly and freaking everyone out by taking photographs of everyone, even indoors. She had early dementia and wasn't managing well. Not suggesting your ghastly person should be let off the hook but it may not be as simple as poor social skills. It could be a concerted group effort to confront her every time she starts to behave so antisocially might help her lern to modify her behaviour. Think I'd probably try and find a different church as we have so little chance at human contact in these days of CV we need to make the most of what there is for our own mental and spiritual health and it's not fair for her to make you so unsettled.

If she has upset other people in the church then maybe you all need to have a word with the vicar. It's a difficult one isn't it because in following Christian teachings (I'm not Christian or follow any religion - I had to church until I was 14 though!) you are supposed to practice forgiveness and understanding and sometimes others are put in our lives to test us but saying that, in my experience, bullying behaviour needs to be dealt with by pointing it out and standing up to it. Clearly, this woman is not a happy person and may have some personal issues she has not dealt with, most bullies do, but her behaviour is really not acceptable and maybe she should be made aware of this by the the Vicar? If the situation doesnt improve and you still feel uncomfortable around this women then maybe leave and find another church where the atmosphere is more happy and friendly, but sadly you do always seem to get one person in all walks of life that causes trouble!

First of all, it is a proven fact that a bully always gets worse until they are stopped in their tracks. Secondly, the Anglican Church has a duty of care towards all the members of the congregation, and there are now safeguarding measures in place. Speak to your church’s safeguarding officer, and ask them to take measures to prevent this woman from being a dominating, unpleasant influence from now on. This should not be allowed to continue. I would not like to attend a church where anyone is being allowed to run riot with a personality disorder, and who is clearly causing distress to others. The PCC needs to be aware of the actions of one member in writing if no action is taken to regulate this very upsettng situation if the parish priest is unable to cope with it.

Can you put the notice up in a shop some have notice boards ? Set up a WhatsApp group for members information and just carry on regardless then people might question why it’s not on the church board and pressure her that way ? I wouldn’t be bullied out if you like everything else about the church because then you’re letting her win .

I atended my previous church for over 30 years. I had m any friends there and my three children were baptized there. But, over the years it became more and more Evangelical - the love the sinner not the sin type of thing - and one or two of my closest friends really did become different people! One even had a huge go at me for 'allowing' as he put it, my daughter to study theology at university. Long story short, vicar of nearly 20 years retired through ill-health and was replaced by a lovely guy. Clever, wonderfujl sermons etc., etc., but for some of the congregation, he wasn't the previous guy. They made his life a misery and within a couple of years had a breakdown. Along came his replacment, who I am afraid I didn't get on with at all. I did my best and gave it three years. Then, I made the decision to go to a different church. My old church could be seen from my house - this one I have to drive to. It is four or five years now and I am getting used to the new church and its people. I still hanker after the old one though!

I would speak to the vicar again and impress on him what he already knows about the bullying. I would suggest he gives this person some one-to-one time as she is deeply troubled and it is affecting other people's worship.

Really, HE is supposed to be the leader of this little flock and if he can't at least make more of an effort what kind of person is he?

He obviously can't be responsible for this woman but I do feel he should be helping her resolve whatever is troubling her and helping guide her towards being a better person. Isn't that what all religions are about?
If nothing changes, I'd contact the bishop... I know it's not the same but this not dealing with difficult and abusive situations is what has caused no end of problems in the church! I wish they would get a grip!

Good luck.

We had a lovely vicar who couldn’t do enough for everyone for 25 odd years. New vicar came and has upset almost everyone in our 3 parishes. People not going to church when they are there. Difficult to find church wardens. No parish magazine or e-letter although volunteers prepared to do it.
One stalwart couple who did so much for the church that they virtually were the church have left and go to another church. Perhaps it would be best to look for another church yourself. It is very sad.

100% agree with luckygirl. Does she have something on the vicar. Is this really being allowed to carry on in the house of god. She knows she gets away with her behaviour so she will carry on.Good job I’m not there, could you not organise a coffee morning with a few of the others social distancing of course and find out how the others would like to deal with her, and then act accordingly. Someone needs to stand there ground against her and give her what for.

What sort of things does she argue about? We’re Christians but gave up with church 8 years ago. The churches round here are just clubs for middle class Christians. Too much arrogance for my liking. Not what Jesus demonstrated at all.

I wouldn't consider changing churches. There are always difficult people in any sizeable group. Just try and avoid her as much as you can. Could she have mental health problems? By all means ask the vicar if you can go and see him and discuss it with him.If she starts being confrontational again , just say something like'I am sorry but I don't wish to discuss that' and walk away and talk to someone else. Try to resist talking about her to others if you can. Hope things improve

Vicar should not be turning a blind eye to this and needs to step up. There will be vulnerable people in the congregation who need protection.

What a charmer, Not! Shouting close up in your faces! She doesn’t sound very kind to me, or a true Christian, wonder why the vicar allows this to happen, why is she allowed to upset others, I wouldn’t be going to another church though, especially if I was happy there, ( apart from this woman having a free reign,) hope things get sorted, it reminded me of something similar that happened to a lady I know. She volunteered at the church fete helping out serving the teas, when they had collected the cups to be washed up, she used one of the nearby tea towels to help dry them, lady came across snatched her tea towel she was using and said that’s my job. Not as aggressive as the shouting in your face, but still uncalled for

It sounds as if your vicar needs to grow a pair. What other reason is there other than he is frightened of her.

I agree with Nortsat what a shame it had to come to this though. I hope things improve soon as well.

I wonder if a further conversation with the Vicar is warranted. I suggest you repeat that people are being bullied and it needs to stop. Advise him that if he feels unable to tackle this or support you in requesting help from the Board, then a number of people intend writing a joint letter to the Bishop and will look for an alternative church to attend (even if this is a slight exaggeration).

It seems this is not being taken seriously enough or handled properly. Institutions need to take responsibility for tackling bullying, in all its forms. Pastoral care is an important element of role of vicar and key office holders.

I am sorry to hear this is spoiling your enjoyment of attending your church. I hope matters improve soon.

The bully is a control freak, you get them in every walk of life. They are not bothered by confrontation, some even relish it. The best way of dealing with such people is to ignore them, if it's at all possible.

And if it's possible, I would attend a church service elsewhere, the one that you're at seems to lack the basic Christian ethic of charity.

Oh, she guards a second key to the notice board - the one for general use is in the key cupboard in the vestry.

Thanks for these replies, that makes me feel better along with advice. I've tried smiling and not rising to her nastiness, standing my ground and giving as good as I got I even walked away from her and she came running after me shouting all the way (Vicar of Dibley style!) - nothing works! She has told me she knows people talk about her but her true friends make up for that nastiness. She lies and has been caught out telling lies, makes up stories and really is to be pitied - thank goodness we aren't her next-door neighbours! Nobody will ever win with this bully.

A difficult situation Corryanna and something I experienced in the past. Everyone is right do speak to the Vicar and try to stand up the the bullies. A Church is no place for people like them. If possible go to a different Church and worship God in peace away from these people.

No advice but just wanted to say that I wish you success in dealing with this person. She sounds a nightmare

Well - this person has obviously failed to absorb the message of loving kindness, so maybe the vicar needs to ask her/himself if she/he has failed dismally in their task.

I think I would be writing to the Bishop to ask him to investigate the bullying in your church. Totally unacceptable behaviour and as the Vicar isn't willing to act then go higher.

Have you or anyone else spoken to your vicar about this bully Corryanna? If not, that's the first thing you need to do. If he doesn't do anything to help, you should then make a complaint to the PCC.

If the vicar has no say what goes on the church board then the PCC will. This is one way of dealing with this bully, the other is to stand up to her yourself. If it were me I would do both and hopefully others will see the stand you're taking and do the same.

Why don’t you and as many people as you can find boycott the church services on Sunday. Surely empty pews might give the vicar a kick up the whatsit that he obviously needs.