Reading the thread (with our without the “f”)

I have read all 4 pages of this thread now and have taken the point but I probably wouldn't usually comment on a long running repetitive thread that is starting to get argumentative.

I agree with much of what you say, Hetty58. I think the ‘upset’ I meant was the squabbling between posters on here.

We're all different Millymay. What I found most upsetting was (still is) other people's inept, wrong assumptions about the way I'm feeling (or may be feeling). So much weird behaviour, unexpected consideration, their own need to somehow shelter, protect and speak out for me. Some might find this sweet - I just find it insulting and irritating. I'm still me!

I'd much rather you were your old, familiar selves (when my world is upside down, 'normal' is so comforting). I don't want special treatment. All this panic about saying or doing the 'right' or 'wrong' thing is quite unnecessary. Don't project your own beliefs or discomfort onto me - as I have my own to deal with.

Two examples: First, I was so disappointed when my work colleagues shared a dirty joke in whispers - assuming I'd lost my sense of humour - and any talk of sex was totally inappropriate!

Second - and recent - a (self-important) sibling saying my ashes should go with my husband's - for the children's sake. Why? I'm having them scattered and haven't suddenly lost my marbles since being widowed, thanks all the same.

I agree, as a bereaved person. I think this thread needs to be shut down now. Serving no purpose, and possibly causing more upset than the original one.

Enid101

Hetty58

I haven't got all day to read everyone's comments (page after page) as they're often repetitive - and, frankly, not that interesting to me. I do like to give my opinion on the original post, though. I think that's just fine but I'll usually read a few replies, too. If anyone objects to my not reading every single word of it - well, that's their problem.

Those of us who have been bereaved are well used to the peculiar, inept, inappropriate, thoughtless little remarks often thrown in our direction. Do they upset us? Well, no, hardly - we're far more upset about the bereavement. It's just a little drop in the ocean. Do we need others to be offended on our behalf? No, thanks all the same.

I agree with this 100%

I agree with it as well.
I also doubt that anyone would be on their computer on the day of their husband or anyone close to them's funeral I think they would be too upset.
These posts have highlighted mistakes that someone has accidently made and it has run and run. The original poster is now more likely to read them and be even more upset.
Surely if you know a post will upset you, you pass it over.

Enid101, thank you so much.

Hetty58

I haven't got all day to read everyone's comments (page after page) as they're often repetitive - and, frankly, not that interesting to me. I do like to give my opinion on the original post, though. I think that's just fine but I'll usually read a few replies, too. If anyone objects to my not reading every single word of it - well, that's their problem.

Those of us who have been bereaved are well used to the peculiar, inept, inappropriate, thoughtless little remarks often thrown in our direction. Do they upset us? Well, no, hardly - we're far more upset about the bereavement. It's just a little drop in the ocean. Do we need others to be offended on our behalf? No, thanks all the same.

I agree with this 100%

I haven't got all day to read everyone's comments (page after page) as they're often repetitive - and, frankly, not that interesting to me. I do like to give my opinion on the original post, though. I think that's just fine but I'll usually read a few replies, too. If anyone objects to my not reading every single word of it - well, that's their problem.

Those of us who have been bereaved are well used to the peculiar, inept, inappropriate, thoughtless little remarks often thrown in our direction. Do they upset us? Well, no, hardly - we're far more upset about the bereavement. It's just a little drop in the ocean. Do we need others to be offended on our behalf? No, thanks all the same.

Those posters have been dealt with by HQ I am not sure how it helps to detail their behaviour on another thread. I find it uncomfortable to be honest.

I imagine it was meant to be with OR without the “f”, but far be it from me to challenge anyone’s grammar or spelling

OMG a typo (autocorrect has much to answer for) - how unforgivable…..

Alice75

RosiesMaw

We have had three or four instances recently of cheerful uplifting “keep positive” type comments addressed to an OP on the Bereavement forum who initially flagged up a serious cancer diagnosis but has very recently shared her DH’s passing with us when that sad event occurred.
It is clear that the “keep your chin up, enjoy every day” etc comments, while kindly meant, were entirely inappropriate to somebody who had just been bereaved.

So a plea from me (and others)
Please, please, read the thread, think and then post - in that order. It saves hurt to the recipient, mortification to the writer, and, frankly embarrassment all round

Easily done…..

Nothing like it, Alice75
🤔

fancythat

JackyB

As this is a TAAT (thread about a thread) it shouldn't have been allowed to gather momentum and not so long ago such threads were deleted post haste.

Perhaps GN policy has changed.

It was not started as a TAAT but about site etiquette, about consideration of an OP especially in a sensitive situation and the good manners to know or maybe find out what the situation is before pronouncing publicly and posting.
Yes, it was prompted by the fact that three or more posters had shown themselves to be unaware of a particular situation - which would have been perfectly apparent if they had gone back a very few posts (and the colour of the posts would have been irrelevant anyway)
No, some did not apologise and two of the posts were removed by HQ who said they would have a word with the posters in question so anybody joining the thread since will not necessarily be aware of the content.
Nothing horrible or unkind was said, just well intentioned “good advice” on remaining positive, enjoying time together etc etc but unfortunately posted after the event.
Harmless but potentially hurtful. I know I might have been blindsided if I had logged on to GN the day of my DH’s funeral and read this sort of thing.
Not that this sort of faux pas doesn’t happen in RL, a friend in the village met me out with the dog a few days after DH died, said she had seen the ambulance outside the house and enquired cheerfully if everything was OK?
I did my best to let her down lightly but I felt sorry for her obvious embarrassment. These things happen, but how much better to know the score before putting one’s foot in it.

So the thread moved on to other areas, to unnecessary repetition, to not seeing that a thread might be several years old or that a problem had long since been addressed.
That’s all.

I have always wanted to be a monitor as in my head it is simply being paid to faff about on GN/MN. But I am sure it is much more complex than that

Threads are only deleted if someone reports. They dont and cant monitor every thread. The guidajce about dont do threads about ongoing threads is still in the guidelines.

On Mumsnet, at the foot of the original post, the option is given to “see next” or “see all”. This is helpful, as it makes it possible to see all the OP’s updates throughout the thread.

Very different Alice. I wonder how much time you spent trawling for that? An addition to an old thread, not an unnecessarily upsetting post on a current one.

RosiesMaw

We have had three or four instances recently of cheerful uplifting “keep positive” type comments addressed to an OP on the Bereavement forum who initially flagged up a serious cancer diagnosis but has very recently shared her DH’s passing with us when that sad event occurred.
It is clear that the “keep your chin up, enjoy every day” etc comments, while kindly meant, were entirely inappropriate to somebody who had just been bereaved.

So a plea from me (and others)
Please, please, read the thread, think and then post - in that order. It saves hurt to the recipient, mortification to the writer, and, frankly embarrassment all round

Easily done…..

JackyB

As this is a TAAT (thread about a thread) it shouldn't have been allowed to gather momentum and not so long ago such threads were deleted post haste.

Perhaps GN policy has changed.

LucyAnna

eazybee

Thank you, Lucy Anna; genuinely had no idea; thought it was 'full'!
(Now can you explain the title: Reading the thread
(with our ???without the “f”) ?

I would think that if the comments were kindly meant, which they all seemed to be, the recipient would not be too distressed by the fact that some posters had not read her latest bulletin.

I imagine it was meant to be with OR without the “f”, but far be it from me to challenge anyone’s grammar or spelling…..

Indeed!
Well spotted - although obviously not by me

eazybee

Thank you, Lucy Anna; genuinely had no idea; thought it was 'full'!
(Now can you explain the title: Reading the thread
(with our ???without the “f”) ?

I would think that if the comments were kindly meant, which they all seemed to be, the recipient would not be too distressed by the fact that some posters had not read her latest bulletin.

I imagine it was meant to be with OR without the “f”, but far be it from me to challenge anyone’s grammar or spelling…..

As this is a TAAT (thread about a thread) it shouldn't have been allowed to gather momentum and not so long ago such threads were deleted post haste.

Thank you, Lucy Anna; genuinely had no idea; thought it was 'full'!
(Now can you explain the title: Reading the thread
(with our ???without the “f”) ?

I would think that if the comments were kindly meant, which they all seemed to be, the recipient would not be too distressed by the fact that some posters had not read her latest bulletin.

Theexwife

Some people, myself included, go on this site for a few minutes at a time and do not have the time or inclination to read every reply to a post.

There is no need to tell people how they should use this forum, some want to read every post and reply, many do not, some want to reply some just read and go.

I also do not like it when anyone new posts, especially a man or younger person, and there is speculation as to who it really is or that they should not be on here at all. There is often the ridiculous suggestion that it is a teen posting, as if they would be interested in winding old people up or they would even be aware of this forum.

Why report this thread dragonfly46? I cannot see any rule breaking.

I don't think anyone is telling others what to do though. The OP is asking people to be considerate because of a particular incident that caused distress, and after that people have simply said whether they personally prefer it when others read the thread or not. Nobody has said it bothers them particularly, just expressed a preference.

There seems to be a lot of angst on her just now. Whenever people express an opinion they are told they are being dictatorial. It's a discussion site, and people are discussing - what's wrong with that?

LucyAnna

eazybee

Baggs
No it's not full it's the other word beginning with f.

The opposite of queen. Sort of!!

I am completely lost.The opposite of Queen is King.?

It’s a swear word, ending in king, starting with f

LucyAnna and eazybee: Chuckle McChuckle 😂

I don’t know who the ‘certain people’ are but it’s ironic that you feel they will feel extremely distressed when this thread was started because of the likelihood of distress having been caused to someone who posted that her husband had received a devastating diagnosis and even after she posted that he had died people who hadn’t RTFT were posting their advice on coping with the diagnosis - even on the day of his funeral.