Finding tonight's play 'The Sixth Commandment' a difficult watch

I watched it and found it to be truly horrendous .

I guess that any of us could be taken in by someone , who is charming and plausible especially a man of the cloth !

I hope not !

My weathy aunt - a strong minded intelligent woman settled in the States and married a rich industrial chemist .

Sad , lonely and widowed she formed an attachment to much younger man . I think that he did her DIY originally .
She didn't die in suspicious circumstances , but he took every single cent of her considerable estate .

Timothy Spall is an amazing actor .
He's been in remission from leukaemia for some years .
I understand that his weight loss was due to a healthier lifestyle .

I also thought that Anne Reid was brilliant and is in every role that she plays .

I try to visit some of my father's old friends :
They aren't as sick as he is , but all of them are increasingly housebound and depressed .
Loneliness is their worst problem .

One of them has a daughter , who makes it obvious that I'm not welcome .

Her mother is alone and never knows when her daughter will visit . When she does she does a big shop for her so there is food in the house . I have shopped for her in the past .
Her bungalow is clean as she has a regular cleaner and the huge garden given a quick mow by the gardener - but otherwise this lady smells .
It's so bad that I've retched a few times and pretended to be ill .

I'm sad to see her in night clothes reading the paper and doing puzzles - increasingly rambling and realise that her daughter thinks that I have an ulterior motive in visiting .

I think it’s a timely reminder to older people to be very careful about people getting too close to them too soon.

A few years ago we had a very nice near neighbour who was 80 and a widow. She was smart, intelligent and loved socialising. She advertised for someone to do odd jobs for her and found someone who lived in the next village but was not a “local”.

I used to see him washing her car or weeding the garden. We invited a few people round one night and she was one of them. She asked whether she could bring a friend and we said that was fine. She turned up with him in tow, carrying her basket of goodies and making a great fuss of her. He was about 60 then. The rest of us were quite surprised as he was stuck to her like glue.

Some months later she died suddenly and her daughter came up from London. We were chatting and she told me that her Mum had “loaned” him lots of money and given him cash gifts and allowed him to use her car etc and she was very uncomfortable about it. She said her Mother was the last person she could ever imagine being duped but she feared she well and truly had been because she had found evidence in notes in the house.

He then left the village but I did see him trotting around carrying another lady’s shopping elsewhere and we made eye contact but he had to look away because he knew I knew! I did wonder how many ladies he has fleeced.

I am watching and appreciating the production at the same time feeling uncomfortable knowing what is to come. Harrowing that such a wonderful man should have suffered so much. Timothy Spall plays this role so well.

I'd seen the documentary on the murders so knew what was going to happen. No amount of not watching would have changed the outcome in real life, but no one needs to watch any programme if they don't want to.
It has been harrowing to watch but it made me think a lot
We are always wise after the event aren't we but it showed a lot of tactics of abusive people.
Managing to hone in on vulnerable people, love bombing, including moving quickly, finding out what meant a lot to them, eg writing poetry to them, using religion,, making themselves irreplaceable, cutting them off from their family's support, in different ways in this case, in Peters situation, blackening his name by claiming he was an alcoholic, in Anns case by trying her loyalty to her niece and him, making it hard for normal things such as meeting the family.
Gaslighting, spiritual abuse, animal.cruelty, all there
The programme also showed how important it is for relatives to try and protect their vulnerable and lonely loved ones. Had the niece not acted as she did would he have gone.on to kill more vulnerable people, yes indubitably. No idea if it was true but the taking on of the coffin bearer role to sniff out grieving partners was an indication that yes always on the look out for a new victim
Also how difficult it is for relatives when cases do come to trial, how the press behave. You can begin to understand how sometimes victims say of child sex abuse just cannot bring themselves to speak against their abusers even many years later because of having to relive the trauma and risk not being believed after all that
I'm surprised that the red flags around a young member of the church with a responsible role befriended 2 vulnerable people and moved in with them. That should have raised some safeguarding issues eventually surely

The programme also showed how important it is for relatives to try and protect their vulnerable and lonely loved ones

It's not easy as the victim often cannot believe that they are in such a relationship and are convinced that their abuser is the only person who truly cares about them. They will become defensive, as we have seen in this portrayal.

I thought last night's episode was excellent. Anne Reid is a great actress. The most disturbing aspect of this whole dreadful thing is how Ben made the two victims ashamed of themselves, took away their self respect which was very important to two such private, quiet, respectable people. With Peter, Ben gloried in telling him of his (alleged) disgusting behaviour when under the influence, of soiling himself, of masturbating. The pain in Peter's face as he repeatedly apologised was awful. Then when Anne realised that she had been fooled, had been 'deluded' enough to believe that a younger man could be sexually attracted to a much older woman, a woman who had sacrificed her personal life to her career and then caring for her Mother.

I may not have expressed it properly, but this aspect disturbed me the most, taking away these people's peace of mind just before they died, taking away their hopes of eternal life in Christ (both devout Christians) was breathtakingly cruel.

My husband’s aunt had all her money and her house taken by a ‘lovely couple’ who moved in with her when she was a lonely widow. She ended up very poor and homeless and moved in with my husband’s mum who wasn’t very wealthy but took her in because she was kind. There are some horrible people, around and very convincing,too.

I’ve watched it all. It was upsetting to see but the cast did an amazing job. Surely Timothy Spall must get an award for his superb performance. We’ve watched most things he’s done since he was Barry in Auf Wiedersehen Pet.

I agree HousePlantQueen terrible thing to do to such a good man. Ben knew exactly how to play on his weaknesses.

The programme also showed how important it is for relatives to try and protect their vulnerable and lonely loved ones.

Usually people are vulnerable and lonely because their relatives take no notice of them.

Often it is the relatives doing the exploiting.

When my mother was in her early nineties and becoming quite frail I became concerned about her cleaning lady who had been with her for about two months and was behaving in a rather weird, over familiar way. At first DH thought I was imagining things but when the woman, whom I’d only met once, phoned me while she was on holiday to ask me to tell Mum she was missing her and ‘loved her to bits’ my antennae started twitching.

A few weeks later the woman had an operation and I just happened to be visiting mum (we only lived ten minutes away) when she and her husband whom I never met walked in as though they owned the place and put the kettle on. Apparently he’d just picked her up from hospital. They hadn’t even been home. I stayed until they left but didn’t make a fuss because I didn’t want Mum to be frightened and she clearly liked her cleaner.

The last straw was when DH happened to be driving by and saw a strange car in Mum’s drive. He decided to investigate and there was the husband, without his wife, drinking tea in the kitchen. Mum was clearly relieved to see DH who phoned me as soon as the man had left and together we persuaded Mum that we had to find her another cleaner just to be on the safe side.

It didn’t quite end there because they gate crashed a birthday barbecue we held for Mum, turning up with presents and chatting to guests as though they were family friends. Fortunately my brothers both agreed that I wasn’t being over protective but we had no proof that there was anything dodgy going on.

Eventually the visits ceased and Mum developed vascular dementia and went into care. I’ll never know what would have happened if I’d ignored my instincts. Maybe it was all entirely innocent but I believe you can’t be to careful where vulnerable, elderly relatives are concerned.

M0nica

^The programme also showed how important it is for relatives to try and protect their vulnerable and lonely loved ones.^

Usually people are vulnerable and lonely because their relatives take no notice of them.

Often it is the relatives doing the exploiting.

Oh no, that is not true.

merlotgran
We have had experience of much-loved family members being targeted.

M0nica one thing that happens is coercive control and, however much loved a family member is, it is not always possible to have them to live with you and they may appear to be fiercely independent.
Then along comes the abuser and is so persuasive that the person may end up cutting off family when they express concerns. It is cunning and calculated.

We watched it. The acting was brilliant. Slightly off topic but Anne Reid was interviewed by Lorraine Kelly about it this week. I thought it was rather nasty of Lorraine when, having been asked by Anne not to divulge her age and saying several times that she wouldn't then said 'I won't divulge her age but for anyone who plays bingo, think two fat ladies.'

Agree this was harrowing to watch but everyone needs to.
I have also read what happened in real life, heartbreaking.
Thank goodness her neice was alert and told the Police of her suspicions. More importantly the Police believed her, no doubt backed up by the Hospital blood results?
Such a shame, but agree both main actors deserve awards for this.

Callistemon I absolutely agree with all you say, but I have also seen cases, where it is a relative that is doing both, the cutting off and the fleecing of the money.

I was a home visitor with a charity for older people for over 10 years and in that time saw about every combination of relationships of children, older people and outside relationships you can imagine. Including exploitative ones, though never sexual exploitation.

This story is horrendous and shows what can happen at extremes, But I saw, but was unable to intervene, in a case where the exploiter and abuser was a son and what was happening, stopped just short of murder.....

That's dreadful, M0nica and I know it happens.

I totally disagree this time Monica my aunt was visited every week by her brother, my dad and my mum sometimes more than weekly they were very good friends As my aunt got older she had a carer for her and my uncle. My uncle died and my aunt kept the carer on and became good friends with her
My aunt had an accident and was hospitalised when my dad was visiting his sister he was unhappy with some part of her care and asked to speak to the ward sister. He was refused as he wasn’t ‘next of kin’ my dad was horrified, as he and my aunt were the only ones left in a fairly big family It appears ‘the carer’ had put her own name down as the next of kin My aunt didn’t come out of hospital, she died there and afterwards we found my aunt had lost everything all her money, the money my uncle had left her, and lots of belongings, she was down to a few pounds in the bank, she had had thousands.
We saw a solicitor but because my aunt was of sound mind nothing could be done to prove the woman had stolen all her money, she said my aunt looked on her as her daughter (my aunt had no children) and had given her lots of presents
(enough for the carer and family to have overseas holidays and a new car)
She got away with it I reported it to her to her agency but I don’t know what they did even if they sacked her she could get another job
How many more elderly people had she coerced and stolen from ?

*Bluebelle I am not sure what you are disagreeing with. All I have said is that the ways in which some older people are exploited are many and various.

The case you describe does not conflict with that.

M0nica

^The programme also showed how important it is for relatives to try and protect their vulnerable and lonely loved ones.^

Usually people are vulnerable and lonely because their relatives take no notice of them.

Often it is the relatives doing the exploiting.

The cases I have come across were not the relatives exploiting older people.
The relatives were loving, caring and helpless in the face of brainwashing by clever manipulators.

It’s not just lonely adults who can be exploited.
Vulnerable adults with learning difficulties can be taken in.
I know of one such case where it was his supported living caregiver. Fortunately that got to court.

Sadly a lot of people get away with robbing people and the Police want nothing to do with it. They say it is a civil matter.

Happened in our family a couple of years ago and by coincidence just this morning I bumped into my Mum’s old neighbour’s daughter. Same thing happened to her, a family member relieved her Mum of many thousands, valuable jewellery etc. while she was alive but having dementia. Her daughter involved the Police too and they said there was no proof that he took the money and items but he was the only other person who ever entered the house.

Callistemon that happens, but not only that happens, exploitation is done by relations just as much, if not more, than by people outside the family. www.lawsociety.org.uk/topics/blogs/close-to-home-spotting-elder-abuse betterhealthwhileaging.net/financial-abuse-what-to-know/

I met it several times when I worked for a charity for the elderly. It might be trivial, a grandchild charging his grandmother £100, for a 30 mile round trip in his car to visit her sister. Other cases where people were clearly giving large sums of money or buying expensive items for one relative who was meant to be doing a lot to help them, or seeming to pay well over the odds for shopping or work done to the house.

I'm surprised that the red flags around a young member of the church with a responsible role befriended 2 vulnerable people and moved in with them. That should have raised some safeguarding issues eventually surely.
I read a statement this morning that the Diocese of Oxford put out after the sentencing about this case and the fact that there were not enough red flags raised around Ben Field and his associations with Stowe Parish Church and it’s elderly parishioners as they had effectively no effective safeguarding policy. They instituted a “Lessons Learned” review. So many people take in by him.

churches often are very lax on being proactive on this kind of thing.
in this case there were different churches involved.
Peter had been a member of the church of england, whereas Ann was a roman catholic.
the perp was the son of a baptist minister, so had all the lingo and knew how to ingratiate himself with devout older people.
he was also an ordinand for the c of e, and a psychologist in the selection process reported that he might be a psychopath.
safeguarding ?