Freedove14
Hello,
We share grief and sadness with other parents of Narcisstic Son in Laws (SiL) and Daughter in Laws (DiL). We (my partner & I) have been trying to seek solace from people who have experienced the same problems from their children marrying into abusive and controlling relationships, who ultimately control you (the parent/grandparents) and bring terrible grief and constant anguish into your lives through fears of consequential losses for you and your child/grandchild. There is no winning - you stand up for yourself - you're out, or you put up with the abuse/blackmail - it gets worse.
Our question is to people that have experienced similar problems directly or indirectly in families, or to counsellors who help in these Narcissistic/Victim relationships - how does one cope with the ongoing abuse and concerns? Especially if it is your child who is trapped in an unhappy abusive marriage, where ultimately it is not your choice to do anything about, and you find your 'voice' is taken away (removed by creating family war and eventual isolation) so you can't do anything about it anyway.
Our sad story is that we've huge ongoing concerns for our son who we used to be very close to, he's now isolated and trapped in a terrible marriage with a Narc wife since our granddaughter was born a few years ago. She gradually exposed her true side after the birth to the point that it became intolerable - her rudeness and demands were and still are astounding.
We became very close to our granddaughter, whom we bonded with love from day one. We babysat loads (by our son and DiL's requests) in fact at times our DiL clearly wanted more help than we could give! However, whatever we did was never enough which she showed in many Narc ways, and slowly but eventually she found a way to get us out of the picture. We believe this is because she did not like our good influences on 'her family' and the fact that over time we clearly did not get on with her. This was after us both having done absolutely everything she demanded of us to help their family (NOT being 'interfering' or treating them as children as we were often accused) then finally accused of being terrible influences and 'crazy' even, and that's not all!
To back track over time it was clear she was using our son for her own gain, and us too, to do everything for her for an easy life and us doing all the work, she acted like she had a right to treat us that way, but nothing was enough to please her, and slowly our DiL cottoned on that we could see through her manipulations of us all.. We ended up having a massive argument (one that she had been looking for a long time) when she projected all her wrongdoings onto us and there was nothing we could say or do because her mind was made up - we had to be out! The smear campaign followed!.. Fortunately, the majority know these accusations are unwarranted, but these people cannot understand why our son would allow such accusations. They cannot comprehend how in fear of losing his daughter he is. This is why relating our stories to people that have not experienced such pain (by being a Narc victim or target) just cannot understand why someone would put up with this abuse.
Our son is a bright intelligent chap, and if anyone told him several years ago this would be happening to him and his parents, he would find it all completely unacceptable and intolerable and would not have stood for it - but now he is broken down and seemingly a changed person in order to be obedient and do his duty to keep in with her, for the sake of his daughter. Our granddaughter is still young and appears not outwardly affected, and we can only hope she is ok. The fact that our son is still there must help address the balance, but we are unsure if this is good or bad for a young child as she must hear the bullying.. There is no easy answer, and it is not our decision at the end of the day.
So to complete the picture, two years down the line we have had no direct contact with our DiL, but she still communicates by proxy through our son (making out it is him when we clearly know it isn't) with a long list of unreasonable conditions put on us by her, on every tiny thread of a relationship that we're allowed left with our son and granddaughter. We want more than anything to cut ties with her completely on the NO CONTACT rule (the only way to deal with Narcs) but we cannot, as we have to go along with it, for fear that she will completely pull the plug and we will never see our son or granddaughter again.
We wake every day with fear in our hearts for our son and his sanity, but he is so caught up in his Narc's tangle of distortion that we cannot talk to him properly anymore - she has built a solid wall between us. Even when we do briefly see him, it is like she is sitting on his shoulder. No one it seems can talk to him anymore (friends or family) she has put the fear in us all. All our friends who know us and our son from pre-Narc days, cannot believe how bad this has got, how undeserved and unreasonable and crazy this all is, and how our DiL has so much control over us all by coming between us through fear......
The story is too long to relate in one, but we hope to share with other parents in fear of their children and grandchildren's welfare and safety. Plus it would be helpful to know how to cope with this extreme concern on a long term basis. This could go on for years, and keeping our strength up and sanity ready for when the time comes to help our son and maybe our granddaughter when needed is difficult to keep up, with so many twists and turns (which happen quite regularly)...
To clarify, we have been advised by counselling to attempt to stay involved enough to at least have contact with our son and granddaughter whilst she is growing up, but it is hard when this means that we still have contact by proxy with our DiL. She uses this excuse as a method to still get to us by various Narc means, we have to put up with all the ridiculous conditions and restrictions put upon us in order to do this and keep family contact. We find that even though we adhere to all conditions, things do not improve at all to anywhere near normal relations. So our contact with our son and granddaughter is very limited and controlled and there is nothing we can do about it.
Our main fear is for our son and how he is coping with this continual abuse who we believe is now not able to share this with anyone. Previous to his total 'conditioning' he was able to talk to us on occasions, he knew it was all wrong, but felt he had to do everything demanded of his wife to keep in there with his daughter. He is torn as he fears that his wife will turn on him (she has done previously) so he is now stuck. We all know that his wife is a law unto herself and would make life impossible if he should leave, smear campaign, loss of his child, house, finances... Anyone that has had dealing with a Narc spouse will know that no court can control Narc actions. So we are all at a loss, and can only hope freedom and peace will come to all of us somehow one day, and soon, before too much more emotional damage is done.
How do we all cope until that freedom comes is a never ending open question? Our hearts go out to all Narc victims whoever you are, no one deserves to be so badly treated and controlled to the point that they are not even allowed to have a mind, identity or life they can call their own anymore. If you can help with some guidance through knowledge and experience, any advise would be gratefully received.
We realise this is a long story, but thank you for reading and listening.
Freedove
Dear Freedove14
What a sad story, unfortunately not an isolated story. I wonder, has your son been able to access other support? Organisations such as Mankind Initiative and Families Need Fathers could offer some advice and support in an impartial way. As the father of his daughter your son does have legal rights and again, I wonder if he has explored these. Citizens Advice have lots online to look at.
I realise that, living in a controlling marriage, it may be difficult for him to access such advice, however if he works, he may be able to use some 'away from home' time to check these out.
Colluding with your DIL's behaviour will not change the situation; sadly it will just confirm for her that her behaviour is acceptable. Being there for your son and granddaughter is important, however I wonder if you could model a different way of being when visiting, you are visiting your son and his daughter not your DIL. I'm not suggesting that you be rude or ignorant but that you put a boundary around the visit, engaging with your granddaughter and son, whilst limiting your responses to your DIL. I know it is far from easy but small steps will make a difference.