Sex and relationships webchat with Trudy Hannington

I agree that time away works. We use it as gifts to each other. Also, our dc often give us hotel vouchers as gifts which is great because they often go 'up a star' compared to what we'd pay for ourselves.

Yes, even if your OH prevaricates. The way I got around mine putting it off was by asking for it as a birthday present. That has also now become an occasional wedding anniversary present.

Time to get glammed up with no interruptions, a nice meal not cooked or cleaned up after, those things are very helpful when it comes to reconnecting with your partner. Time to just talk and make work/family taboo subjects.

I find living with DD,SIl 3DGC is worse than having the children small, when you are tired and worn out but young, now I am tired worn out and a lot older so the only way DH and I manage any us time is to go and stay in our Static up at the house (but can only do that in the summer as its too cold) and plan weekends away, its only way it can work for us...
so Gilly I think you are going to have to insist on time for you and DH, start to have a date weekend without all your different relations and ties I know its hard but you both deserve even a weekend alone a month.

Trudy, I've had four operations for gynae cancer over the last ten years and both lots of groin lymph nodes removed. I have lost all interest in sex, no wonder, I don't feel physically capable at all.
It's my DH I feel sorry for. Any advice?

Sorry janerowena I sometimes read far too quickly, and I'd missed that the nightclub was a different thing altogether.

Hey! - maybe there's a new money-making career in this! Perhaps I might make my fortune!

Also, how can anyone truly feel and know what it's like until they have experienced it for themselves? I have a friend who is a nurse, and has only just had her first disabling injury. It's been a revelation to all of us. She has never broken anything before. Her frustration, anger and lack of patience have been incredible. I feel it will make her a much better nurse in future. Unless you are about 80 and have worked your way through half a dozen different partners, how can you possible have enough knowledge to work your way through such a minefield, no matter how many textbook cases you study. I suspect many older couples fear to raise their concerns with their partners because of all the hornet nests they may disturb.

minimouse They will have a bop with all of us during the evening, but there is yet another grown-up bop later on that I quite wanted to carry on to! As it starts at around midnight it's not really an option - and no children allowed.

Agree, mishap has put it very succinctly.

Why do we need Trudy when we have Mishap

Janerowena I agree with Coolgran65 When my DS got married my DD's 2 1/2 year old and baby came along to the wedding and to the evening 'do' as well. The baby slept in his pram, despite all the noise and the 2 1/2 year old spent the evening dancing! She had a whale of a time, outdanced everyone and was still first up in the morning It's not going to do your GCs any harm to do the same, especially as it's a special occasion and not a regular occurrence.

No, not this time, that comes earlier on, then everyone moves on to a nightclub. Wedding at 1pm, wedding breakfast at 3pm, bop around in a marquee until late evening then onto the nightclub. Of course I may not have the stamina, but it would be nice to have the choice. If I'm honest, it's the 'being kid-free' part that appeals, although DBH and I do go to the odd dinner dance and ball it's not the same as going clubbing. I quite fancied the chance to go without all the attendant potential problems. Relive my yoof and all that.

janerowena when we have a family wedding and it gets to party time all of the little ones stay present and dance and have fun. One by one they fall asleep on a couch, in daddy's arms etc. etc. Or in their stroller which is kept conveniently to hand.
Nobody misses a 'bop'. Would this be possible.

I do understand that it totally messes up their routine but for a special occasion it's nice for everyone to take part

When I said "they must sort their lives out..." I meant the parents of the children.

If I was advising Gillybob, and of course I'm not - Trudy will - I would ask whether she has all the help available to her with regard to the old lady. (nurse coming in night and morning, meals on wheels?)

The parents don't sound too bad, they just want conversation. That involves sitting down, so that could be ok.

Regarding the children, Gillybob needs to decide whether she would be happier without this looking after thing, or whether it is a bit of light in a hardworking life. If the former, give them firmly back to the people they primarily belong to. They must sort their own lives out as best they can. If, the latter, then continue to enjoy them.

But, as I say, Trudy will sort it.

Gilly - what a life! I think there will be many on here who can identify with that from various stages in our own lives. But it does sound as though you truly are beset on all sides.

Is there a way of getting various members of the family together to try and sort this out? One of the difficulties is that we, as mothers and gmothers, tend to make ourselves freely available to all and find it hard to say no - for lots of reasons I think - sometimes even because we like to feel needed and it makes sure we have a role at a stage in our lives when we fear that might begin to slip away soon.

Maybe my own current experience might be relevant. If not, I apologise for bringing this in.

I am in the middle of a situation where I am having to sit back and let others take care of me and it feels very hard as I have always felt (rightly or wrongly) that I had a pivotal role in the family. I am discovering that I don't - at least not quite in the way I had thought. It is a salutary, but painful, lesson - letting go and allowing others take responsibility for their own lives, and for them also to enjoy being able to help me. Circumstances have forced me to face this, and it is not so bad! I think it will change relationships in the family, but that is how life moves on.

What is very clear is that you cannot continue as you are, and, as long as the family believe that you can, then nothing will change.

This conversation started on the subject of sex and relationships but it is clear that the problem is very much wider.

You could possibly look at each of the roles that you have in the family and at work and sit down with your OH and think about how these needs might be met in a way that did not result in you being the one who bears the burden. There will, I am sure, be ways. And some of those ways will involve them taking on their own responsibilities rather than you finding yourself doing so. It might involve outside agencies like nurseries or childminders - my wee GD, who has been coming to me one day a week (prior to my being unwell) also goes to a nursery one day and a childminder another - she gains hugely from this variety of experience. Maybe your family need to look into the financial help available for these.

You cannot be the sole "entertainment" for your Mum and Dad - maybe you could all research what other options there might be in the area, and put this to them.

You cannot be the one who bears all the burdens - not only is it not fair, but it might possibly not be the best thing for these young people who need to take responsibility for their own lives.

It is hard isn't it? I wish you well with it all.

I'm so sorry gilly, that is my idea of a living hell. I need space to myself. I think you need to tell them that you need a break, and it's either that or you will have a nervous breakdown. I have a friend who is being dumped on in the same spectacular fashion, she has just ended up having a whole family descend on her (whilst caring for 2 small GCs and her father) for a week and she isn't very well. They asked if they could come for the weekend and then when they arrived, said that they could stay for the week! She got away for a week to France two years ago with her OH and she said it was wonderful, she talks about it as if it will never happen again.

But the worst part is - her DD and SiL and 2 small GCs are about to move in with her for who knows how long, while their new house is being built. Her father is still there, she has a DD who has just started at Uni and her paid job is looking after another 2 small GCs for their teacher Mummy. The house is not large. There will be no escape and there will be 2 babies there and 2 toddlers, an elderly father and during school holiday time, 7 people full-time.

Maybe we need to have an assertiveness course instead? Because I am going to a big family wedding next summer, there is a takeover of a nightclub afterwards and I was looking forward to having a bop and going to a nightclub for the first time in 20 years - only to be told by my DD that unless I babysit my GCs in the hotel, she and SiL won't be able to go. It's in little ways like that, that I realise any illusions of my youth are being stripped from me.

gilly that is so hard! I have no easy answer for you.

Someone once told me not to "make time" but to "take time". It's the same principle as I apply to saving money: I "pay myself first" (by putting money into my savings account as a priority).

On another note - the thought of an ageing Lothario having taken a dose of Viagra and approaching me with a gleam in his eye, would frighten the living daylights out of me!

Yes kittylester you are right DH and I run an engineering company together. Times very hard (again) money extremely tight and as usual I am working for nothing! However back to the real problem. My single sister has a "real job" and therefore doesn't contribute much to the family commitments. When she is not at work she is at the gym, out on the town or on a date. My son has three children and in order for him and DiL to work (shifts) I have then a couple of days a week and alternatively one night then two nights. They are all at school now so I did think this would help but all that has happened is that "others" think I should give my time to them (which I do) so no better off at all. My DD has problems of her own. She is a lovely girl but was badly hurt a few years ago and bpnever seemed to recover. I am forever "helping" her do her house as it's almost always a bomb site these days. Mum and dad have no life other than hospitals and rely in me as their entertainment, likewise grandma ( for whom I am the main carer). I do pity my DH as I have very little time for him and when we do have time I am just totally knackerred and miserable . I can't remember the last time I had a giggle tbh. Perhaps I am just turning into a bitter old woman. How can you even begin to think about the S word when you feel like this?

Jane, I think gillybob works in her family business but the rest of your answer seems to be a good idea!

Get single sister to stay in your house for the weekend and answer all phone calls. Take husband away. Call home and say you are ill and won't be back for a week, call work and go off sick. By the end of the week you both might be feeling human enough to reconnect. It worked for us.

So how do we sort out things for Gilllybob? Seems to me that's the important issue on this thread.

Well said madam

Exactly Mishap!

I am always a bit wary of people who set themselves up as experts in relationships, as these things are entirely individual and there can be few general principles that apply to all - except things like respect and absence of abuse.

I think that it is often the presence of such "experts" who create the problems because they tend to set up expectations/rules/standards.

As others have pointed out, the key factor is compatibility and this can be a bit of a lottery as people change over time at different rates and in different ways. No amount of experts can change that or advise how this can be dealt with.