Sex and relationships webchat with Trudy Hannington

janerowena when we have a family wedding and it gets to party time all of the little ones stay present and dance and have fun. One by one they fall asleep on a couch, in daddy's arms etc. etc. Or in their stroller which is kept conveniently to hand.
Nobody misses a 'bop'. Would this be possible.

I do understand that it totally messes up their routine but for a special occasion it's nice for everyone to take part

No, not this time, that comes earlier on, then everyone moves on to a nightclub. Wedding at 1pm, wedding breakfast at 3pm, bop around in a marquee until late evening then onto the nightclub. Of course I may not have the stamina, but it would be nice to have the choice. If I'm honest, it's the 'being kid-free' part that appeals, although DBH and I do go to the odd dinner dance and ball it's not the same as going clubbing. I quite fancied the chance to go without all the attendant potential problems. Relive my yoof and all that.

Janerowena I agree with Coolgran65 When my DS got married my DD's 2 1/2 year old and baby came along to the wedding and to the evening 'do' as well. The baby slept in his pram, despite all the noise and the 2 1/2 year old spent the evening dancing! She had a whale of a time, outdanced everyone and was still first up in the morning It's not going to do your GCs any harm to do the same, especially as it's a special occasion and not a regular occurrence.

Why do we need Trudy when we have Mishap

minimouse They will have a bop with all of us during the evening, but there is yet another grown-up bop later on that I quite wanted to carry on to! As it starts at around midnight it's not really an option - and no children allowed.

Agree, mishap has put it very succinctly.

Also, how can anyone truly feel and know what it's like until they have experienced it for themselves? I have a friend who is a nurse, and has only just had her first disabling injury. It's been a revelation to all of us. She has never broken anything before. Her frustration, anger and lack of patience have been incredible. I feel it will make her a much better nurse in future. Unless you are about 80 and have worked your way through half a dozen different partners, how can you possible have enough knowledge to work your way through such a minefield, no matter how many textbook cases you study. I suspect many older couples fear to raise their concerns with their partners because of all the hornet nests they may disturb.

Hey! - maybe there's a new money-making career in this! Perhaps I might make my fortune!

Sorry janerowena I sometimes read far too quickly, and I'd missed that the nightclub was a different thing altogether.

Trudy, I've had four operations for gynae cancer over the last ten years and both lots of groin lymph nodes removed. I have lost all interest in sex, no wonder, I don't feel physically capable at all.
It's my DH I feel sorry for. Any advice?

I find living with DD,SIl 3DGC is worse than having the children small, when you are tired and worn out but young, now I am tired worn out and a lot older so the only way DH and I manage any us time is to go and stay in our Static up at the house (but can only do that in the summer as its too cold) and plan weekends away, its only way it can work for us...
so Gilly I think you are going to have to insist on time for you and DH, start to have a date weekend without all your different relations and ties I know its hard but you both deserve even a weekend alone a month.

Yes, even if your OH prevaricates. The way I got around mine putting it off was by asking for it as a birthday present. That has also now become an occasional wedding anniversary present.

Time to get glammed up with no interruptions, a nice meal not cooked or cleaned up after, those things are very helpful when it comes to reconnecting with your partner. Time to just talk and make work/family taboo subjects.

I agree that time away works. We use it as gifts to each other. Also, our dc often give us hotel vouchers as gifts which is great because they often go 'up a star' compared to what we'd pay for ourselves.

Well I'm 73, my partner now 84. A glass or 3 gets us both giggling and there's always a little blue pill when required. Life is good, long may it last !

Janerowena any hotel can arrange baby sitting these days. It's up to your DD to sort it out. And Gillybob has said that money is short on all sides. But Gillybob all this sounds to me as though ,much as you love them ,there are some very selfish people in your family. Your DD has a house and goes out clubbing? Why aren't her DNs staying with her overnight to give you a break in exchange for your housework or at your parents to provide chat and life ? Just suppose you are taken out of the equation,slipped disc or work schedule doubled take your pick but it does happen and they would have to manage. Why can't DD and her husband negotiate shifts ? I've not walked in your shoes but look at the situation with icy calm and see what happens. I feel so sorry when I read your posts and although I 've never met you I worry!

Hi Trudy, I am wondering at what point do you think couples should seek sex/relationship counselling? Me and my partner have had issues in this area for as long as I can remember, I just don't know why we have them. We love each other, and every other aspect of our relationship is as good as it gets IMO, but this is our one shortfall and always has been.

Is it too late to do something about it (early 60s now) and seek help? We have the next twenty years stretching out ahead of us (I hope!) and I do feel sad that we have missed out on what others describe as fulfilling and exciting sex life, but I just don't know where we are going wrong.

Everything about it screams routine and dare I say it...boredom. I think it is his fault because he is too much of a gentleman and I think he blames me because I can be quite withdrawn.

I do find it difficult to talk about to him (or anyone!) and he certainly does, so we are at a bit of a stalemate...

Would be interested to hear your thoughts/ comments. Thank you.

Would you be brave enough to up the ante.
Do some little thing that you've not done before, or not done for many years.

A little gesture, or a touch to make the first move.

And I do think that good sex starts hours beforehand.... being flirty...gently..

Does anyone remember that film, The Family Way with Hayley Mills? I've been pondering lately as to why sex has never been high on my list of priorities [and isn't even on the list now!]. And it got me thinking back to things that happened when I was young. Not abuse or anything like that. But, I lived with my boyfriend at a time when it wasn't quite the done thing, so, when we were with his family we had to pretend that we had separate rooms in our student houses. Sometimes they would question me about 'my room' and I would go crimson. One time it happened in a room full of people at Christmas and I just wanted the floor to open up and swallow me. Soon afterwards other members of the family lived with their boyfriends and it was all open and accepted. But I had felt embarrassed and ashamed for years. I don't think I have ever got over it. A few other things happened round about that time as well that made it worse eg living in shared houses where the walls were so paper thin that we all heard what was going on in everyones rooms [some of them were very noisy ] and I then felt inadequate. I just wondered how things like that do affect our sex lives as we get older. I did see a therapist once to try to save my marriage but she just said to me after I'd poured my heart out to her 'I think you are feeling guilty'. That was it; no advice just, somehow, blaming me .As nananew has just said, I do feel that it's part of my life that could have been so different and feel quite sad about it now [and do now feel guilty that my husband hadn't had the marriage he'd've wanted, although things might have been different if he'd just said to his family 'we're living together and that's that' instead of me having to live a lie]. My parents, bless them, much older and more conservative than my ex's just assumed we were living together [as man and wife, as they put it] and just said 'we'll give you £50 when you get married, which we did and they honoured it.

Actually I have a question if anyone can help my husband has totally gone off sex?

I have a question why has my husband gone off sex?

Tegan How I sympathise ( empathise?) with you. I didn't live with anyone before I was married, but was brought up in a very evangelical Christian home . My parents would have been mortified if they thought I was having sex before marriage. consequently I feel that I missed out on much of the fun in my college years because I took this view on board too. Fortunately lust got the better of me in my twenties , but I do think that guilt has had a detrimental effect on my view of sex, along with all the publicity about sexual abuse by men, and pornography as the norm it seems. Having said that I was very liberal with my girls who were allowed to sleep with there boyfriends ' under my roof'. No matter how much you love your parents , or what good people they are,they do you up ( in the words of the poet )!!!

AtquiNot quite the words of the poet!

My father died when I was 17 and I was freed from him waiting at the garden gate when I came home from the Church youth club.
After that my mother fell to pieces and I had absolute freedom 'Je ne regret rien'
Sorry to read about your young days and the left over guilt.
I came to live on the continent and there never was a Queen Victoria here and they are not prudes. But still people have problems - in their sex lives as well. So don't blame your parents for it.
I get the feeling Trudy won't have any questions to answer nor will she be in able to answer the problems of people a whole generation older. She can turn herself inside out but she will never know what being 60+ or 70 + is like.

Oh my goodness I did not write they do you up!!! I wrote they** you up , using the asterisks . someone must have changed it at HQ.
By the way, I do not actually blame my parents although it sounds like it. They had no intention of messing with my head. they were very sincere people.However , I think the way I was brought up accounts for it. wonder if my four letter word will come up as such this time!!!

There must be a gremlin on my I pad Indefinitely put four asterisks

I definitely.

It's ipad (they're very prudish and have a mind of their own. I regularly have arguements with mine!)