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Revisiting my will

(13 Posts)
Lesley60 Fri 30-Jul-21 09:27:34

Through change of circumstances, retirement etc hubby and I are revising our wills, my problem is my eldest daughter
She is a functioning alcoholic who becomes extremely nasty and half of the family won’t have anything to do with her as they like me have been on the receiving end
When revising our wills hubby ( not her father) said he didn’t really want to include her as she will just drink herself to death my other daughter and all grandkids are include but I feel she has to have an equal share even though she wrote in a recent text I’m dead to her

Liz46 Fri 30-Jul-21 09:36:02

I wonder if it is possible for someone to hold it 'in trust' for her in case she recovers.

If not I think, sadly, you should not leave her anything.

Germanshepherdsmum Fri 30-Jul-21 09:49:46

What a difficult and painful problem to have. I feel for you. I realise it’s the drink talking but knowing that doesn’t make her words hurt less does it? Only you can decide what to do but including her in your wills may become a bone of contention which harms your relationship with your husband. Based on what you’ve said I wouldn’t leave her anything if she were my daughter. If you do decide to exclude her then you must leave a letter with your wills explaining your reasons for doing this to lessen the chances of her trying to challenge the wills. Your solicitor will advise you. Difficult though it is to talk about your daughter’s behaviour, you must tell your solicitor all about this so he or she knows where you’re coming from and can advise you properly.

M0nica Fri 30-Jul-21 09:54:54

Talk to your solicitor. Any solicitor in this field will have much experience of will making in circumstances like this.

You do not mention whether she has children. If she has, perhaps you could put the money in trust for her, so she only gets the income, the capital going to your grandchildren when she dies.

Whatever you do, leave her some money, I remember reading someone who was utterly devastated when her parents left her nothing, on the basis that she had done well in life, while her siblings hadn't, so she didn't need the money and they did. Her parents meant well and their reasoning was sound, but they had no conception of the feelings of complete rejection that swept over when this happened. The feeling that her success was a cause for rejection.

Shandy57 Fri 30-Jul-21 09:59:24

I would include her Lesley60, she is very ill and cannot help her behaviour. She has to choose to leave her path of self destruction, only she can do it. Has she had any form of rehab?

My best friend was an alcoholic after being jilted the week before her wedding aged 21, and her Mum also went through hell - sadly she died aged 52 leaving her 74 year old Mum with her 8 year old daughter.

Lesley60 Fri 30-Jul-21 10:27:43

Shandy57 I have spoken to her many times and offered her private counselling about her drinking and how it has caused problems but she continues to deny she has a problem, she is 47 and her children are adults now all of them are included in the Will

Shinamae Fri 30-Jul-21 10:33:00

As a recovering alcoholic I can tell you that unless she wants to stop she won’t. For years people told me I was a drunk, an alcoholic and my response was p**s off and sort your own lives out!! Eventually on the way home from the pub one night I rang AA and went to my first meeting the next night which was a Tuesday and they supported me so well as I got sober. Unfortunately some people never get sober. AA has a branch called Al-Anon which is for friends and family you would do well to find their number and speak to them as they will support you through this very trying time

tanith Fri 30-Jul-21 11:17:22

When my sister died she specified in her will that her son was an alcoholic and although she left him his share it was overseen by the solicitor and his 4 siblings. He has a monthly allowance set by them as he can’t work and can request extra which has to be approved by the trustees. It’s worked well this way his siblings have no contact with him it’s all done through the solicitor. I wish you luck by the way my sister was told it’s actually cheaper to make an entirely new will rather an updating a previous one although that advice came too late for her.

Shandy57 Fri 30-Jul-21 12:15:41

So sorry Lesley60, it is so tragic, the illness is so powerful. My friend's Mum begged and begged her to get help. When she died from cervical cancer, having lied constantly about going for treatment, I felt guilty for years but finally realised if she wouldn't do it for her Mum, who was running around everywhere trying to rescue her, she wouldn't have done it for me.

There will be a breaking point where she decides to get help, as Shinamae says, but she will have to reach it in her own time. I'd give Al-Anon a call, it might give you some comfort.

Teacheranne Fri 30-Jul-21 12:46:07


I wonder if it is possible for someone to hold it 'in trust' for her in case she recovers.

If not I think, sadly, you should not leave her anything.

I have set up a trust with a solicitors help. My eldest son, living in the US has always struggled to manage a budget, spends freely without planning ahead then gets into trouble! I have been in a position to bail him out sometimes, for the sake of his young children but I know that any inheritance would not be used wisely. An added complication when I wrote my will was that he was going through a toxic divorce and his ex wife was causing endless problems.

So when I die ( am single) my younger two children will receive a lump sum equal to the amount I have given my other son to make things fair, then the remainder goes into the trust to be equally divided between the three of them with my younger two running it. I have written a letter of intent to explain what I would like them to do but in reality it is up to them as to whether they follow my wishes. They could choose to ignore them and just end the trust and split the money straight away but hopefully as I have discussed it with them, they will do as I have requested.

This was all done with a solicitor who gave me some good advice and warned me of any problems. All my three children are aware of the trust and my letter of intent, I have not kept it secret from them.

Zoejory Fri 30-Jul-21 12:48:58

I would leave her the same amount as you're giving to your other children

cornishpatsy Fri 30-Jul-21 13:37:06

She will either stop or carry on drinking regardless of the will. Not including her will only cause resentment and possibly problems with her siblings.

Neen Tue 21-Sep-21 15:25:46

I can only imagine what you've been through. What an awful situation but yes I would leave her her share, maybe as someone said talk to your solicitor as she could perhaps have it ( if still drinking ) on rent or monthly and ( if in recovery ) she will be delighted to have been included.
I believe in miracles and do know some recovering alcohols who are nicer and wiser than non alcoholics. Or talk to an AA group and see what they recommend perhaps x