Helpful tips for adoptive grandparents

adoptive grandmother

Many grandparents feel forgotten when their offspring decides to adopt a child. There is an abundance of information for the adoptive parents but actually very little to help the extended family navigate the unfamiliar terrain. Though you may feel sceptical and troubled at present, we hope this guide for adoptive grandparents leaves you feeling a little bit less in the dark...

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Firstly, give yourself time to get used to the idea

It's ok to feel sad and worried. Give yourself time to let the situation sink in and arm yourself with as much information as possible so that you can be an invaluable support. If you've always wanted to be a grandparent, you might even experience a sense of grief at not having a biological grandchild or maybe not knowing their origins. There's also the looming fear that the adoption plan could fall through. However, rather than bottling these feelings up, it's essential you discuss them with your nearest and dearest, remembering that this isn't a decision they made lightly. It might even be helpful to join a support group for adoptive families or an online forum for adoptive grandparents.

Learn as much as you can

It will be helpful to get your hands on any relevant books, such as 'Related by Adoption' by Hedi Argent, which offers facts on the adoption process, quotes from adoptive grandparents as well as tips on how to be understanding and involved. You might also find yourself becoming best friends with Google, discovering invaluable information resources including Adoption UK and First 4 Adoption. Contemporary adoption is vastly different to how it once was, so strengthen yourself with knowledge, deal with any prejudices you may hold and go forward with slightly less trepidation. Adoption is not always a necessity, sometimes it's a choice a parent makes as they believe it's the best option. Treat the adoptive parents the same as you would expectant parents as they'll be going through a very similar catalogue of emotions, so talk to them, and share their nerves and excitement. Try your best to avoid dishing out too much well-intending parenting advice to your child as they'll need to negotiate the process on their own terms.

The adoption process is very different nowadays

In the past, adoption was taboo; a closely guarded, shameful situation which certainly wasn't up for public discussion. However, that's all changed. Though it still comes with notable difficulties, the process is now very open and adopted children almost always know the name of their birth mother and where they're from. Rather than keeping hush hush about their roots, adoptive parents are encouraged to help their child embrace their ethnic identity (if adopted transracially) and to answer any questions the child may have about their story. Moreover, in recent years, there has been an increase in open adoptions, whereby the birth mother hands over parental rights but remains in contact with the child, often in the form of 'letter box' contact. Though this may sound like a fast track to disaster, studies have actually shown that the adoptive child fares better psychologically than those in closed adoptions.

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Adoptive families are desperately needed

It might be the case that your adoptive grandchild comes from a particularly disturbing or unsettled background, but whether they are or not, try to remind yourself that any case of adoption is a sad one and that your own child's adoption route is an admirable one. Statistics from last year show that although more children are being taken into care, adoption rates are falling. Adoptive parents are vital so that vulnerable dependants don't get lost in the care system. Take some time to look over the latest adoption research as it will not only be beneficial to you but also to your child, who will no doubt be pleased that you're engaging in the process.

How to deal with the questions

It's highly likely that at some point you'll face questions from well-meaning but overly inquisitive friends, so you need to learn how to answer or shut down such probing. If you're asked about your grandchild's story whilst they're with you, either answer out of earshot or firmly explain that it's a private matter - after all, it's akin to asking about somebody's conception story! Your grandchild will probably be quizzed by innocent contemporaries and may come to you upset or curious, so these are moments you must be the reassuring, supportive and loving grandparent they're seeking out. As they get older, they'll choose their own parameters which you must respect. Overall, always remember to be sensitive to their feelings.

Using the correct terminology is vital

Perhaps one of the most important things for you to remember is to use the correct language when talking with or about your grandchild - and urge others to do the same. Avoid the use of words and phrases such as 'adopted' or 'natural parents' as it insinuates that they're not part of the 'real' family, instead use 'birth parents' for an honest but positive spin. Learn which terminologies have negative connotations, such as 'gave up' or 'lucky', and you will hopefully aid in making your grandchild feel secure and wanted.

adoptive gran with grandchild

Forming a strong bond with your grandchild

Treat them as you would a biological grandchild - adore them, spend time with them, and gently guide them through life. Initially, you may worry that not being blood-related will result in a vast gulf between you both, however, remember that nurture is just as strong as nature, and that people pick up mannerisms, humour, body language and interests from one another. You may finally find that person who gets your silly jokes or mirrors your enthusiastic gesticulating! If they're of a different ethnicity or from a particularly different background, acknowledging and embracing their culture is crucial - if that's something they want - and could help tighten your bond. Being a grandparent can be one of life's greatest gifts and although adoption comes with its tribulations, the rewards can be highly enriching. Simply loving your grandchild and them loving you in return will bring you endless joy.