AIBU to not want to do childcare for my GD?

YANBU, childcare on a regular basis is tiring.
I see GC once a week and have them for sleepovers in the holidays, I am always available for emergency cover and that works quite well. Other GPs only see them about twice a year but GC love them none the less.

It is rather a strange thought that love depends on seeing someone the most! I don't think it works like that.

We have an agreement that if we want to go on a holiday my DD makes other arrangements - she is quite happy about that and indeed would not want it otherwise - she is a considerate lass and appreciates what we do, but would not want it to stop us from doing anything we wanted. We let her know well in advance if we are going away (which we don't do all that much to be fair - and would not, whether we had little one here or not) - she is usually able to make some arrangement, or else she has to take a day's holiday herself. It has never been an issue at all, as DD respects our right to do what we choose.

Looking after wee GD has many benefits: my DD is able to manage better financially and to pay her mortgage; we establish a close relationship with dear GD in her per-school years; we have lots of fun!

The other way that we look at it is that before we can blink wee GD will be at pre-school and then school, so this is only for a few years. We treasure these happy times with her, and I know that DD and her OH really appreciate it.

The other side of the coin of course is that DD (and her sisters) are very good to us. I have been unwell and OH has PD and they are always there for us with their unfailing support in bad times.

I love my grandson, but I would freak if asked to do "regular childcare".

Depending on circumstances, I may say something different.

When I eventually went back to work,( to continue my career)
it didn't enter my head to expect childcare from either GPs. One child was at school part time, 4 year old, rising 5. The other was 2 years old. The child minder took 50% of my wages. Her children were who I taught in school, so my children knew her well.

I prefered a professional arrangement rather than having the problems that family involvement could cause. x

I'm having a similar issue at the moment. Daughter wants me and DH to do childcare. DH thinks its a brilliant idea but I know, whatever he says now, that it won't be him doing it, it will be me! He'll expect to still play golf and bowls, go to the pub, do 'manly' stuff in his workshop and guess who'll be left literally holding the baby?! I was a fulltime mother of four and I don't want to do it all again but guess who looks like the bad nanna now :-(

It was never an issue for me - I really wanted to do it and am very happy with it. It is true that I do most of the actual care, but OH is always around. He will fetch and carry things, help lift her, and is always up for reading a book with her. He does get engaged in his computer stuff, but the agreement is that when GD is here and I need him to do something then that takes priority. OH loves to have her as much as I do.

It s interesting to think about the variety she has in her life as she has us (just the two of us and a quiet gentle time as neither of us are able to dash about), and then two other settings where things get progressively livelier! I think that is good for her, being able to enjoy herself in different ways with people of different ages.

But neither of us is the sort to be wanting to dash about going off on cruises or whatever, so we are the ideal people to do the job.

I think your dd is BU not wanting to leave their dc with a 'stranger' . Firstly, the person won't be stranger after the first session and anyway, they all do 'settling in' sessions. Secondly, is the dc never going to go to school? But anyway, I don't do regular childcare - there are several reasons for this. Firstly, I still work part- time , love it and am paid very well so wouldnt want to give the up. Secondly, I want to have the fun grandparent role - when our dd lived with us a while ago in between houses for five months, I really missed bring the grandparent as it was only right that I had to follow their rules whilst they were living here- it would have been far too confusing for dgs to do otherwise. When they moved out it was lovely going back to being the grandparent. Thirdly, I think that our children should take responsibility for sorting out their own childcare arrangements without us. Fourthly, even if I wasn't working, I would want the flexibility to come and go as I wished without having to consider child care. I am here for emergencies and babysitting - this weekend we have them both as dd goes back to work on Monday after mat leave and we thought it would be nice to treat her and sil to a weekend away.

Good post Mishap.
When our children were growing up DH was deputy head of a large comprehensive school and had very little free time to play with them. He regrets this now and enjoys making up for lost time with the grandchildren and so we are glad to do as much child care as is needed. .We get as much from it as they do.
As with other posters, if we go on holiday DD takes time off work and we try to take holidays around the time she works.
I never knew any of my grandparents so am making the most of my time with our grandchildren.

I do childcare because I want to and I love it. It's not for everyone and no one should feel they have to do it, so if you don't want to you don't have to justify it, just say so.

I don't think it necessarily follows that the grandparents who are seen most often are the most loved, but there's no denying that if you regularly care for a child - whether as a parent, grandparent, or childminder, you form a very close bond. That's only natural, it's how attachment works.

OP - I assume you must live quite close to your dd? (As I do to mine). I see my dgc regularly and would say I have a wonderful relationship with them. Don't believe for one minute that it's not possible to have that without doing regular childcare . What I do think has helped is that we had dgs1 on 'sleepovers' and now have both of them. Basically the quality of the bond will depend on you and how you relate to your dgc when you see them. Do what you know is right for you and that is the right thing to do.

It's absolutely your prerogative cherry1957 to decide how little or how much child care you wish to do and it is not unreasonable to want to enjoy your retirement unencumbered. Having been a full time parent with our own children not all of us want repeat the process, particularly as we don't always have the energy levels we had when we were parents of young children who can be very tiring.

We have our granddaughter aged 5 once a week, if she is available, and tonight she is staying over. I wouldn't want her baby brother over night at this stage as he is only 10 months and adorable as he is, the baby stage is very hands on and in my mind a great responsibility. Although I would make an exception for an emergency.

We try to make sure our granddaughter enjoys her time with us and as she is getting older we are now beginning to include new activities such as swimming and cinema outings as well as the bog standard ones like going to the park.

I have felt on occasions there is a presumption that it is a grandparent's job to drop whatever they are doing and be available for childminding. We have resisted anything set in stone because we both feel we have waited a long time to go away for a few days at the drop of a hat and take the adult holidays we talked about when our children were young and we tailored our breaks with them in mind.

Don't try and compete with the other grandma, even if she is doing more, we all bring something different to the table.

Although we were sceptical about it at first it was good for the boys to go to nursery, although it was only for two days a week. The thing is, it gets even more complicated when they need dropping off/picking up from school and looking after in school holidays etc.

Ain't that the truth Tegan - the school run can be an absolute nightmare. Four GC to four different destinations, across the town, all to arrive after 9.45 am but before 9.55 am.

NYANBU at all. We love our GC and we are always willing to babysit and to step in when required in an emergency. Sleep overs are fine as are days out and we always take him away for a week in the summer and other odd days. We love spending time with him ( and will with any others that follow ) but on our terms. Luckily our DDs understand this and are always grateful for what we do.

It is horses for courses really. Our DD did not ask us to do it, we offered, partly because we know how tight their finances are (and child care is costly) and partly because we knew we would enjoy it. Our lives are slightly curtailed by our health problems and this is something we can do and enjoy in our own home, and also feel it is something useful.

They would have managed financially if we had not offered - they had costed it out responsibly, but us having her one day a week saves them about £120 per month and they are able to use that to go out as a family and enjoy some things they might not otherwise have been able to afford.

The "other" granny is about 10 years younger than us and much fitter and not retired, so she makes her contribution by having GD overnight now and again so DD can go out. I do not feel any sense of competition with her - she does what she can do and we do what we can; and the little lass has lots of good relationships and different experiences.

It all works well - so far! - and it has been going on for over a year (barring a gap when I was too ill to do it).

We looked after our GD for 2/3 days a week from her being 4months old until she went to school and then did the school run and picked her up and gave her tea until she was nearly 12. There were reasons we did this which I don't want to go into here. She has had 5 spells in hospital and we have always done the day visits then while mum went home to sleep and for the last 2 I stayed overnight with her.She is due to have what we really hope will be her last op for this condition in July and has been told she will be going to "an adult hospital" for it. Her first thought was that I couldn't stay overnight.
She is now 16 and although ,yes ,it is a tie and a huge commitment I have a wonderful bond with her and wouldn't have done things differently. I have 6 GC and I am closer to her than to any of the others. But I totally understand anyone who does not want to do it.

It may also depend on the child. I dearly love every single one of my GC, but some are more lively and willful than others. The GD we care for is a delight - calm, cheerful and sociable, so we do not have a problem looking after her. She fits in and enjoys everything. Now as to others.......! I have to say that the most difficult of my GC is the most affectionate and sparky and fun - but boy does he wear you out!!

I so agree Mishap. I've willingly provided almost full time child care for all my grandchildren. Yes, some are harder than others.

The worst one as a 2-year old (she could sulk for hours and hours if crossed) is now a delightful and sunny-natured girl at 5. Her sister is still a bit of a handful

My youngest GS is now 4 and at school full time and reading and writing already. He was the easiest baby and toddler I ever encountered. His 'terrible twos' last one day. He was potty trained in less than a week and ate everything I put in front of him. He never made a fuss about anything. If we wanted to go anywhere we just picked him up and bundled him into the car.

So Mishap has made a good point. Some children are really easy to childmind, others more 'challenging'.

I have had care of my DGD from 7am to 6pm Monday to Friday since she was 8 months old and DiL returned to work. I wasn't asked if I could help out, I offered, and haven't regretted a minute of it. She was an easy, contented baby and has grown into a happy, sunny natured 9 year old with whom I have an amazing bond. If I need to go somewhere I just let her Mum and Dad know and they will make alternative arrangements. I am proud to have helped bring this loving little soul up, she makes my heart sing

'she makes my heart sing' aaahhh, that's lovely Ceesnan and I know what you mean

My DS2 and his then wife lived with us until the marriage broke down recently.
Their two children are now aged 14 and 12 so are now out of the babysitting stage and live with their mother but visit us often.
When they were younger, from being new born babies, I provided childcare when the parents were both working and in school holidays. We also did the school run when necessary.
The other grandparents were not interested even though they lived locally.
I provided this care as I knew it was needed and love all my grandchildren I have five in total.
But there were times when I resented the fact that the other grandparents never even offered to do one day, every time the children saw them they were with their mother or both parents. Other grandma did not like her house messed up with children.
Since the marriage break up she is acting the perfect grandma now that they do not require so much care. She has another daughter and acted the same way with her children. If she was asked to babysit for her other daughter she would always ask my ex-DIL to come and help as she just could not cope on her own.

I know this set up was was unusual but I am now feeling the pain as I feel all the work and childcare I provided has been forgotten.

YNBU, I wish I had had the courage to speak up at the time and insist other grandma did her share.

Such is life I am afraid.

We offered to have our DGSs when they where 6mths & 16mths old when DD decided she had to return to work,at the time I worked 5 full days a week and I had them on my days off which where Tuesday/Wednesday in those days,the thought of being on the go for 7 days a week frightened me to death but I found that on those two days with the babies I could really relax & play & care for them with the backup of OH who worked shifts at that time,they went on to reception class at nearly the same time and I really missed them when I got my two days back again,DD always understood that our holidays etc would mean her finding alternative care but we enjoyed those busy years and built up a bond we still share to this day with those two eldest DGs who are now 23 & 24.

I would say that you don't want to make a regular commitment, but would perhaps be able to cover emergencies.

There will be times when the baby is poorly, and they don't want to send. Her to nursery. Times when the other gran can't do it.

Please don't be guilt tripped into doing this, I find it very tiring. Also a baby is a big responsibility. I have an overwhelming sense of relief when they are handed back safely.

I think if they're both earning reasonably well they could perhaps tighten their belts a bit and bear the cost of a nursery for a few years. If your daughter truly does not want her daughter to be looked after by strangers then surely she (and possibly her husband) can explore going part-time with their employers, or she can go part time and let the other granny do some childcare?

In the situation you describe, where you have had years of caring and have been looking forward to some time to yourself, I think it's perfectly reasonable to say you would prefer not to do it. You don't say whether you have a partner who would also be helping. If not, I think it's very tiring to look after a baby/young child single handed, and requires a lot of energy.

I enjoy having our grandson two days a week, but my husband is also at home and we share what needs to be done. My husband might take him out for a short walk or keep him occupied while I get the lunch ready, etc., and vice versa. When you're on your own, it's far more restricting and tiring.

I would feel slightly differently if my daughter and son-in-law were desperately hard up and not earning very much. Personally speaking, I would find it difficult to refuse to offer some help in such circumstances but, from what you say, that isn't the case.