Ungrateful Son

Sheilasue, my heart goes out to you! There's nothing, imo, like the loss of a child, even an adult one. And how horrible that his own wife murdered him! But how beautiful that you are there for your little gc! God bless!

Sheian, I'm sorry about your situation. It was very loving and generous of you to rearrange your work schedule, etc. to accommodate ds and family, and it stinks that you feel mistreated in return. While I don't think it's so bad for a mom to want some time to rest, the way dil told you her plans was very off-putting. Though Iv happily watched my gc at times to simply give dd a break, if she greeted me the way dil greeted you that morning, I would have been incensed, too!

I suspect that Red has hit on something though and there are issues between ds and dil over his lack of involvement with childcare, etc. Could be her comment to you was really intended as a message to him (i.e. "I'm tired after being up with baby all night while you sleep, and I need some time with friends too, just like you get.") An immature way to go about it and not fair to you, but I suspect that's what that was about. I could be wrong, of course.

Unfortunately, it seems as if you and ds are at a kind of crossroads. Either he truly has "changed his mind" about your watching gd, and he and dil will work out something else. Or he'll cave and go back to the original agreement because they can't afford anything else and he can't/won't pitch in. If they don't have you watch gd, he might keep gd away from you, as you fear. But they might simply discard the once-a-week babysitting idea and that's all. That remains to be seen.

I sincerely hope pps are right and the fact that you provide free childcare will keep him from complete co. In fact, I hope he changes his mind back again and decided to leave gd with you once a week. You've already carved out the time and it would be great for you to have this time with her. Please keep in touch and let us know what happens.

CO is a possibility. So is it dawning on them that they might lose all the present free childcare which might make them think again!! I would hope so but who can tell.

If we don't meet our children's expectations of doing childcare or tell them how they are selfish they will cut you off. We have been in that position for almost three years.
The entitlement and selfishness is overwhelming

susnrubey that's good. But I am still unsure why this is relevant to the OP. She is clear about what SHE can do and is willing to do, clearly spends a considerable amount of her spare time on childcare and will probably treasure that memory in the future! She appears to be avoiding the pleasure turning into a resented chore, which will not be such a good memory!

I have two teenage grandsons who no longer want to spend time with me and a five year old grand-daughter who stays over every weekend. Sometimes I am tired and could do with a little me time, but I know she will follow her brothers soon so I cherish every moment I spend with her. My parents appreciated every second spent with my sons and I see how much the boys love and help their grandparents in their old age. I can only hope that my grandchildren love me as much.

Slightly off topic, but last night I watched an episode of Life Swap Adventure on BBC. A farmer from Malawi swapped places with a workaholic man from Essex (I think). The farmer's eldest son is 26 and they are very close, all still living together. The British man hardly ever sees his childhood and grandchild. I was touched when the farmer said something along the lines of once you're a parent, you are always the parent and there to guide your children through life, not just until they become adults. You could tell family meant everything. It seemed a very long way from family life for many people in the UK today.

Exactly. We should accept every family is different.

Of course it isn't Wilma we each do what we want to and what we feel happy and comfortable with.

It's not a competition.

No, not just you gillybob.

I can't help but feel that all of this comes back down to respect and boundaries, but boundaries have to be set and respect is taught by example and expectation over all the years we raise our children.

I know we cannot chose our children's personalities and sometimes we can feel that we have laid down those foundations yet they sometimes disappoint us. Sometimes our adult children do need us to point out apparent selfishness / incomprehension of our needs. But I think our grown up children are only really 'selfish' , 'disrespectful' and 'ungrateful' if , after not comprehending / understanding and being enlightened, they continue to want to make unreasonable demands. If we don't say something is too much until it drives us to a point of resentment, then we are as much at fault for not setting the boundaries ourselves.

None of us on this thread I think is saying we aren't delighted to look after our dgc- it's the context of selfish entitlement and expectations that is the issue. We're all entitled to strike the balance that suits us all whatever that is. I absolutely love my work and am not ready to give it up yet but it's irregular so I couldn't offer a regular commitment - but then dd knows how much my work means to me and so would never expect me to.

Well said gillybob.We are always delighted to look after our DGC and we let DD and DS know this.On the rare occasions we cannot help we just say so.We live in a big house and DD is beginning to see that I am grateful for a bit of help with the housework so she will go round with the dyson.I am far happier looking after the DGC than doing the housework.?

I would ask, would those of you who care for GCs without reservation continue to do so if you were given a load of bollox if you didn't dance to your children's tune of demands and criticism? Yes you 'might' say you would, but you would be resentful, guilty and depressed

I am sure my DS, DDiL and the 3 little ones would soon pick up on the fact that I was looking after them begrudgingly or resenting the use of my time.

I am no super-gran Lewlew (far from it) but I do believe in helping the family wherever I can and while I can. I looked after my gran for many years until she died aged 99 (she looked after me plenty when I was young) and I feel that some families are are risk of becoming secular and selfish where generations think only of themselves and their own lifestyles. THIS IS NOT DIRECTED AT THE OP! Before I am accused of waving a "virtuosity flag".

Maybe it's just me? Each to their own. I don't know?

My now estranged stepson knew we were taking care of three elderly parents, his son and my other Grandaughter. We were worn out and after one parent passed away we said we couldn't sit regularly but would be happy to sit sporadically. We were still taking care of my daughters two children once a week as she had no one else to help her when she needed to see a doctor or other appointments. A parent was sick and dying and we were taking care of her. My stepson had two other people to give him free childcare. Yet he considered our sitting for his child as his child's visit to us. They never came over otherwise unless for Xmas to collect their gifts. Then because we could no longer sit they estranged themselves from us and we haven't seen our two GC in almost three years. Brats!
Some of you who are younger may find it easy to chase after a toddler but it's hard when you are older and many of you have forgotten that .

The bottom line is that those of us who are HAPPY to look after grandchildren do so because we want to and can manage. I have my limits (health, work etc) and DGD's parents respect that.

The OP extended herself to look after GC and changed work schedule and did other acrobatics to accommodate her not so darling son who has the nerve to be annoyed with her. That is the difference.

I would ask, would those of you who care for GCs without reservation continue to do so if you were given a load of bollox if you didn't dance to your children's tune of demands and criticism? Yes you 'might' say you would, but you would be resentful, guilty and depressed.

OP is trying to cope with this. She does not need super-grans who can do it all and not understand that others have limits due to health, work and stamina, rubbing it in. It is cruel to wave the flag of virtuosity in her face. Many grans would like to look after their GCs more often, but some cannot bend to every whim of their children to do so, and it's selfish of them to expect it.

Everything is relevant. I keep hearing how the younger generation had got it hard today because house prices are too high. It was no different in my day. When I started my family in the late 70s house prices were out of our reach. We lived through the three day weeks, the endless strikes because people were fighting for a decent living wage. There was no money for what is considered basic necessities today, TV,phone, washing machine even a fridge. You were lucky to have one car but now most families now have at least two. Holidays were just a dream and we had no money pay for childcare, I stayed at home during the day and worked at night. It was not any easier in my mother's day of the 50s/60s when I was a child just after the war.
Yes the house prices are high and mortgage deposits are too but so are the wages. My children all earn more then my husband, who can't afford to retire at the age of 68. My pension is not a benefit handed out or paid for by the younger generation. I worked hard for 30 years for it and still waiting, but that is another story.
The difference today is that the younger generation see what we have not how we had to work hard and make sacrifices to get where we are today. Society has given them the impression that they should be entitled to the same without the hardships. In the real world all privileges are not handed to on a plate.

I like others am happy to help out with grandchildren. Happy to watch them while their parents have dr appointments or other kids at hospital appointments or things on at school. I am happy to run them to after school clubs or look after others while some are taken to after school clubs. But I also work nearly 40 hrs a week so fit them in where I can. If it does not fit with me then daughter manages.
DD2 had a baby nearly a year ago and asked if she moved to this area would I childmind while she went back to work 3 days a week and I said no. I do not have 3 days a week to spare and I am too old and set in my ways. So she has arranged a nursery place for her.
If she was local I would be just as happy to help out here and there but not to commit to 3 days a week for forever. perish the thought.
I have done a lot with and for mine and enjoy a loving relationship with them all. But the eldest is nearly 15 and has other things to do, such is the way of the world, and we barely see her despite her living 2 minutes away.

I don't ever recall my mum having a day to just watch tv!
Regardless of how much people do or don't enjoy helping out, to whatever extent, its unfair for parents to overstep what is reasonable for the grandparents to take on.

maddy and others who have posted *if people can't afford to have children then they shouldn't have them" - I feel this is very harsh. We all know that this generation has a much harder time of it than ours did. When I married, you still only needed one salary to get a near 100% mortgage and as my children grew up there was more state support under a Labour government for young families up until children were 16.

My DD and SIL are very responsible people, both work full time and work very hard, but they both need to work and have to pay £900 a month in nursery fees. My daughter is trapped in a round of working full-time at present to help manage mortgage, but she waited until she was 30 to start a family. I am glad she did not wait any longer, but life is really hard for her and her husband at the moment and won't ease for some time yet.

Sadly , most families now need two incomes to get by. My DD and SIL do not live extravagantly and don't want all the latest gadgets. They buy clothes from charity shops and cook from scratch - I could go on. It is just hard for them, but they are typical of many in their generation.

Unless you have the privilege of moneyed parental support or a substantial joint income, this is how it is. However, these ' unaffordable' children of today will also be working and earning and paying taxes to fund our pensions in the future.

Sheian57 my son and his partner are in a similar situation to this and my husband and I look after our 2 grandchildren quite often. They cannot afford child care either and we get a list of days when they will want us which is okay but every month she asks for extra days.I agree with you about not wanting to look their children while she lounges around in bed and I would not do it either.I looked after my daughter's children while she and her partner worked too but not so that my daughter could to it easy. Selfish? No I don't think so, if people can't afford children and that includes child care, then I'm afraid I don't think they should have them.

Sheian I am sorry this is so painful and difficult for you.

I can remember having reservations about my father looking after my DD1 on his own, reservations I checked out with my mother, but was reassured about. I didn't want him to be out of his depth - he hadn't been a nappy changer in my childhood (!) but graduated and was a brilliant grandfather.

I hope long term that you and your husband have plenty of opportunities to enjoy and bond with your DGD and that your son and his partner can reflect and come to fully recognise how fortunate they are to have your help. I think this will inevitably be a gradual process, but hopefully things will improve.

Thank you all for your valued comments. I hope things will become clear to DS and DIL, however sadly I think their expectations will remain and nothing will really be good enough, as we won't look after GD as well as they do in their eyes. DS even rejected offer of ny DH to look after GD next week whilst DIL goes to hairdressers, as they didn't think he would be able to change a nappy if required.....this after having had 3 children and fully able to care for them when required to include nappy changes. The times we live in have vastly changed. I was so looking forward to having my GD not just for child care in week but for odd babysitting too as she is deeply loved by both my husband and myself and this may now be denied to us because of this angry disagreement.

You sound as if you have already got a lot of commitments if you are working, caring for your mother, running your home and entering into an arrangement to look after your grandchild. Small children are exhausting no matter how delightful they are. You have already been generous in what you have agreed to. You mention 'us' in your email. If your husband is living with you, could he possibly have a word with the young couple, explaining that neither of you have as much energy as you once had and that with all you are doing already he is worried about you taking on any more in case your health suffers. Your three year commitment could have a trial period to see how things work out and an agreement of no hard feelings on either side if it turns out to be more than you can cope with. Perhaps you personally could do with some time to
'chill out' and pamper yourself and also to spend some quality with friends and your other children occasionally.

So much has changed. I was brought up to believe that when you have children, they are your priority. What you need or want is secondary to the children's interests and if you choose to have children then that is what you sign up to. These days parents seem to expect that the children must fit in with the parents' lives. That said, I have helped DS and DD with childcare at the drop of a hat because I'm still in that 'priority mode'. It is a great sorrow that DS now lives too far away for regular visits to DGS x 3 but I delight in a very close relationship with DD's DD, and becoming closer to DD's twin boys even though the physical toll is greater than ideal. I suppose I have happily built my life around my children's needs, but I still have lots of interests besides.
I would say to Shelan57, that if you feel resentful about looking after GC in certain circumstances, you should stick to your guns, otherwise the time you spend with GC will not be as fulfilling as time willingly given, and may permanently sour the relationship with DS and his partner. Good luck however you decide.

'When I suggested he looks after GD whilst his partner has some free time at weekend, he says that time is spent with friends or shopping. Frustrated and unhappy with son and his partner.'

Sorry. Id be absolutely fuming with my son. His time his spent shopping and with friends? While his wife is at home looking after their child and the house?
He sounds like he CBA and you're a soft touch. Your poor DIL sounds like shes doing it all. Heaven forbid he looks after his daughter. Id be seething!