Hurt

I can’t help feeling you’re a bit smug , you may think you have the perfect family, perhaps you have, but clearly, she doesn’t want to be completely drawn into it, and honestly, I don’t blame her.

I think you need to have a good look at your relationship, take a big step back, remember the child is not yours, and hopefully things will settle down.

I feel it was a bit crass of your son to send a text about next Christmas. He could have phoned you, then you might not feel so hurt.

I wondered when I read your post, whether your daughter-in-law perhaps could have felt that your taking over the housework was a subtle criticism of the way she keeps her house? I realise you did it to help, but does she?

I was distinctly annoyed with my DIL when she changed the hand-towel in our bathroom off her own bat, as I had hung a clean one up ten minutes previously. I told her so, which made her feel snubbed, but I felt snubbed by her hanging up a new towel.

I know it sounds petty, but MIL-DIL relationships tend to become petty at times.

Did you ask her what was wrong when she seemed moody? I mean there must be a reason.

I too have a DIL whom I find it difficult to get on with, but I have to because my son loves her and I think you are in a similar position.

Please try not to be too hurt by this incident, Last year my son and DIL went away for Christmas, this year they came here. That seems to be the pattern here, so we make the best of it.

I agree Tedber. The OP has listened to various viewpoints for which she is grateful and is seeing things in a different light. She may have to work hard on the relationship with her DiL but realises and accepts that some changes need to be made which may help the situation. Surely she deserves respect for her acceptance not more criticism.

Sorry to disagree lovelycuppa but I think the OP has taken a lot of what has been said on board! Fair play to her

I see Her comments regarding her daughter in law as ‘mulling’ it over with us to see if SHE can understand her more. I doubt she would air them to her family and friends.

Hands up how many have family they don’t get along with for whatever reason and can’t understand why or what the problem is? Sometimes you just got to accept things as they are.

I totally “get” why the OP was hurt by receiving a text a couple of days after she felt they had all had a nice Christmas more or less saying it isn’t going to happen next year! It could have waited until after new year - surely. I would have felt the same tbh

As far as I can deduce the OP HAS acknowledged she has to back off a bit and not make her grandson the center of her universe?

I think all the criticism is unwarranted. At least she is listening.

I'm sorry to be so blunt but from your update it sounds like you haven't learnt a single thing.

Again, thank you all! Very kind of every single one of you to take time to comment. I respect all of you views and I taken everything on board x

My PiLs were lovely people but were quite overwhelming to have on a holiday visit.
My DH felt exactly the same as I did about this.
Once we had our first child, he asked them to stay nearby and not in our home.
They may have thought I put him up to it, but they would have been wrong.

This is all his wife’s idea - I know my son so well; we are a very close family and spend a lot of time together ( me and my husband - and adult daughter when she can) which is part of the problem, I think. The DIL hates it. She has come from very damaged background and has no concept of family. She has no siblings, no parents, no grandparents. Truly, I have included her and been kind etc. it it isn’t really accepted. She tolerates my son’s family and as mentioned earlier, she has admitted to him she feels jealous at times.

Oh OP. I’m sorry, but comments like these? She knows you dislike her and think she’s just as damaged as her background.

You must try to change how you think of her, or you will find yourself quickly pushed to the side by your son.

Kindly, “Whilst I respect your view that we may have been overbearing etc, that honestly wasn’t the case.”
You don’t actually get to decide with somebody else finds overbearing.

I can see you are hurt by the timing of their announcement, but I actually think they were very kind telling you so quickly. You sound like somebody who loves Christmas and love to getting together with your family. I am imagining there was a lot of comments about How “excited you were to see how excited he would be next year”.

I just see this as them starting to manage expectations.

If you move closer to the young family, you will be seeing them in a more everyday way rather than when you are in holiday mode and trying to make the most of every minute.
I expect your DiL would be much happier with that.

Your son, his wife and their baby are a family.
Your son wants to do the best he can for the three of them and you should support him in that.

Take your lead from the young people, rather than trying to impose your togetherness and jollity onto your DiL.

Well done for deciding to ease off a bit and concentrate more on your own life.

Btw, don't even tell them that dil "has no concept of family". It is very insulting and demeaning.

She doesn't have your concept of family, which is not the only and universal definition of family.

You truly do not know how lucky you are having such a good dil. I hope you appretiate her before it is too late

My goodness, it's so obvious what is wrong here with every new comment. There is nothing anyone can say to make you try to like your dil and you are fishing for reasons to continue the dislike. This will cause you issues down the line. Your son is not the same man who once lived with you, he has his own life and his own family and his priorities have changed. His wife now takes priority in his life and you need to accept that and stop blaming her for changes you don't like in your sons behaviour. He should put his little family first before extended family, that is normal and natural. You have good quality visiting time and family time. If you don't cut the apron strings you may jepordise that. His wife and children come first.

Your dil's background may have nothing to do with it.

You go every 6 weeks to see them. That is 9 weekends a year - do you realize how lucky you are with your dil?
She knows you do not like her yet she allows such frequent visits.

You are not excluded from their Xmas as their time does not belong to you.

Stop blaming your dil. Your son is also part of it.

Being close with your son doesn't mean he is on your side. He is on his wife's side, like he should be.
He is not an innocent victim following his wife's tantrums, like you insinuate on your post.

I bet this vacation has been in the making before they spent this Xmas with you.

My advice?
Leave your dil alone. Let her initiate a relationship if she wishes to have one with you.

You talk to your son about his family. He is in charge of managing which relationship they want with his extended family.

Do not offer help again unless it is requested.

Take 10 steps back. Be thankful for what you have.

Learn the difference between right and privilege.

Negotiate boundaries with your son.
Wait to be invited to visit and stay in hotel if possible.

I know this is a shock. I bet you feel excluded from their family.
You are not.
Expectations are the mother of all evil when they are not met.

Wow grannyactivist that's a wonderful story.
I don't know if my MiL liked me at first. I think she would have liked a wee Scots lassie like herself. However with our DiL she now has just that.
I like all our in-laws. They put up with our DC. They have produced lovely DGC.
I agree on the 3 day rule though and even staying in a hotel to take the pressure off especially in the morning. My brother always stays in a hotel. I try to argue with him but he just says "it's booked"

Annali - I'm so glad that you've stepped back and reassessed the situation and are aware of the changes you can make to improve things.

On another note - when you describe your daughter-in-law's background, that could have been me. I had a fairly dysfunctional childhood, left school at fifteen, married (at sixteen), had three children, divorced - then I married my current husband when he was 23 and I was just shy of 33! He was from a close, university educated, middle class family and his parents were (understandably in my view) horrified at what he was taking on. They expressed their concern, but eventually told us they trusted that their son knew what he was doing and so were committed to supporting us in the decision we took to get married. I cannot say how much that meant to me, to know that even though they didn't like the situation they would back us. That was thirty three years ago and for many, many years now my mother-in-law has been my very dear friend and is truly a mother to me.

My mother-in-law did it and I am sure you too can learn to love your son's wife, and in understanding her background you are already halfway to viewing her situation with compassion.

She married your son. Not the whole family. It’s perfectly natural to only way so much of you.

She is now more of a priority to him. He to probably wants to spend uninterrupted time with just her and their child.

How you feel for her seeps through here. I really feel bad for the poor woman who had to deal with that for a week in her own home.

That’s a very sweet post, Annali and I do hope you feel better about it all now.

I do wonder if your dil isn’t so much jealous as bemused and confused about your family’s closeness. She’s obviously not had the benefit of a kind upbringing and this must feel very alien and maybe threatening to her. I hope you can find common ground.

I can understand your sadness Annali. None of us know anything about you or your family. You left their home, feeling that it all went well and then you get that text from your son. Fair enough, they want to do things differently next year, perhaps you upset them in some way, but why not tell you in a few months time, not a year ahead.

I totally agree with luckygirl you have decided very wisely to make big changes in your neediness to be so heavily involved in their lives ?and well done to you but your dislike of this poor lass shines through very clearly even in these reasonable and sensible posts and if we can feel it so can she Going to stay every 6 weeks and expecting them and your other daughter to be part of your family as much as possible is unreasonable They have their own lives to lead and you come across although lovely and loving as (I ll say it quietly) a bit controlling I don’t come from a damaged family but I would hate the structure of having to be part of this jolly happy family on a regular basis I could manage a few times a year but regularly no
Good luck

What a magnanimous, sensible reply, OP. The lovely, wise grans on here can always be relied upon to give a balanced view.

I was so besotted with my first DGD, and had to take a step back. But all my DGC adore me as I do them, and I certainly don’t see as much of them as I would like and certainly not every Christmas.

Wise words re Focus more on your DH. Mine admitted to me that all my affection seemed to go on the grandkids.

You are lovely, and a loving granny. His only granny. He will adore you, all the more for not seeing you all the time.

You really really must try and find some way to establish an amicable relationship with your DIL. Your dislike creeps into even your very reasonable posts! That needs to change.

Perhaps you should write down what her virtues are; and instances when she does good things - and sneak a look at the list before each visit! - or learn it by heart!!

I too am a MIL and have to do this sometimes - always looking for the good even when I have doubts and concerns.

This lass is now your son's prime focus and responsibility - both her and their child. If you want to get a look in at all, you will need to try and see what he sees in her - not love her in the same way, but trust his judgement that there is something really good about her that he can see. YOu need to search for that too.

It is too easy to blame every wrong move (as you see it) on the DIL. She is an easy scapegoat as the person who has made off with your son. But sometimes the easy route is not the right one.

A huge heartfelt thank you to each and everyone of you. I have taken on board all you have said and advised. You are right.
I am feeling a tad guilty and ashamed of my neediness and know I have to step back from this obsession with my GS!
I did respond to my son’s text and also spoke to him on FaceTime( he initiated as he knew I was upset) I told him I was hurt and shocked to receive a blatant ‘ you are not part of Christmas next year’ message, whilst still in the midst of celebrating this year! He said soothing words etc but didn’t ring true for me. This is all his wife’s idea - I know my son so well; we are a very close family and spend a lot of time together ( me and my husband - and adult daughter when she can) which is part of the problem, I think. The DIL hates it. She has come from very damaged background and has no concept of family. She has no siblings, no parents, no grandparents. Truly, I have included her and been kind etc. it it isn’t really accepted. She tolerates my son’s family and as mentioned earlier, she has admitted to him she feels jealous at times.
But - I have expected too much - and I am ready to make some changes. My son lives 3 hours a way - we visit every 6 weeks or so and stay with them and spend a glorious weekend with our GS. I am going to reduce this frequency of visits. I am also going to focus on my husband and I a bit more. We are nearing retirement so need to think of future plans. Ironically, my son and DIL have asked if we would move closer to them on retirement, to help look after GS!
Thank you so much again - it is only through your advice I’ve realised I need to back off and make some life changes

I had an issue with my ex MIL - when I first met her I could tell that as soon as I opened my mouth and a broad Yorkshire accent came out, and the fact that at the time I didn't have a degree like her only son, that she disliked me on sight! Over the years I did try really hard, eventually my husband said to me that it would be ok once we had children! My response to that was that it would be too late then! I never ever stopped them visiting etc but she would come and ask to help by doing the ironing for example - and did just HIS!

Roll on a decade later and we were living in Scotland, so whenever they drove up to us from the Midlands it was a very long way and therefore they stayed for at least a week/ten days .... ugh! One day out of the blue, she said to me ".... are we ever going to be friends ...?" I was a bit taken aback, but answered, "well you don't like me". Her response to that was to say "nonsense, Brian and I think you are very intelligent and highly efficient"!! That said it all ......

Just saying Annili you do know! Take care xx

I agree that people should spend their Christmas how they want it but come on...... sending a text within 2 days telling you point blank you wouldn't see your grandchild next year? Unless he started off saying.. ".hi mum it was a fabulous Christmas, we all enjoyed it, thank you for your help with GS etc oh btw we have booked a holiday for next year, just so you know, see you soon I hope" Was that more how it went?

It DOES seem like slap in the face if it was just a direct text saying that you wouldn't be invited next year.

BUT next year is a long way away and hopefully you will have many more meetings during the year? How far away do they live? If you need to stay for a lengthy time, maybe consider booking into a hotel?

I would just text back and tell them what a wonderful time you had, thank you for inviting them, lovely idea for next year and see you soon?

I CAN understand how you felt though receiving a text so soon after returning about next year's plans.

I can see how hurt you are and I would probably be too. However maybe it’s time to take a step back and reassess the situation try to be as friendly as you can with the dil. Make an effort to get to know her, your son needs both of you and won’t want to be in the middle. I have two dil,s one is ok the other quite brash and in your face but I try my hardest with both. And next Christmas have yourselves a great day book a nice hotel and enjoy each other’s company on the day.