Feeling hard done by! AIBU?

TerriT spot on. Our children grow up to be independent and as parents job done. After that it's up to everyone to fathom out the new relationships and priorities.

Would you expect your dil to get you food?
One of my mum's DiLs would have a pink fit if mum made herself at home in the kitchen. So I suppose it's nice to feel free to do so. Perhaps it's a bit daunting cooking for everyone. Some people aren't keen on cooking.

I think a 60th is a special occasion and a little bit of extra thought would have been appreciated, but I think we have to be realistic.
I get lovely presents from my son who lives here, but he openly admits his wife looks after it all.
My other son just stopped buying birthday presents last year. No reason. That's one less shopping trip for me!

DoraMarr when we visit my daughter and her family for the weekend we stay in a hotel ?
And if we go on holiday with them we book separate apartments.

Happy Birthday Sbhrt21
YABU
When I had my last a big birthday I organised a party. At least that way I reminded everyone when it was and they all came!
I can't remember if they brought presents. I don't think so because I told everyone not to. DS came over from NZ and the others from far and wide. It was wonderful.

For other birthdays we go for a meal or a concert or something. One of our DS is good about birthday cards and often the DGC make us cards which we pin up.
As for the amount spent: Just be grateful he doesn't ask you for money!

For goodness' sake, don't write a letter. This would be such an unusual thing in our time of mass communications, that even a man could see that you were 'getting at' him. It would be passive-aggressive to show your hurt in that way.
An email, a phone call would be expected and acceptable nowadays. Many families would Skype or Face-time.

OP

Ideally, what would you have liked your son to do and give you for your birthday?

Leannbo
Ditto

Your son remembered your birthday and sent a gift. The value is irrelevant. As to your stay with him and his wife, did you ever have your in-laws to stay with you for a prolonged visit? How did that go? I remember having my in-laws for two weeks at a time. All that preparing food, tidying up, entertaining them while my husband was at work or playing sports ( it never occurred to him to give up for the duration) was incredibly wearing. I never stay with my children and their spouses for more than two nights.

@Hithere Not to mention the astronomical price of health care

Re: get your own food

What would you expect your dil to get you food?
If anything, it would be your son's responsibility to be your host

Yabu

I agree with Summerlove and bluebelle.

To add to it, cost of living in the US can get astronomical. He might be earning a fortune but also takes a fortune - mortgage, schools, transportation, etc.

Basically, what you consider a fortune may not be a really be a fortune in real life.

Even if he earns a fortune, he doesn't owe you a % of it.

@HettieMaude you really think that a letter complaining of the gifts she received is going to go over well? I promise you it won't. Op was not forgotten or ignored. Her son's financial business is not her business. She writes that letter and nothing good will come out of it. OP needs to adjust her expectations and entitlement

@Evie74 it is completely rude to write a letter complaining about a gift. She should be writing a Thank You note. If someone wrote me aetter,typed an email or called me to complain about a gift it would most definitely be the last time I ever bought them a gift or anything again. That type of behavior is how estrangement starts

OP Perhaps your son is so busy, earning the fortune and with his family, that he hasn’t much time to plan for birthdays, even yours. Perhaps his wife is on a
specific eating plan or has a health issue she hasn’t shared with you.
One small grandchild loves to sing and dance on FaceTime, except when she doesn’t! Her brother is polite and not really engaged except for when I ask the right question. His father had told me they’d had a storyteller in school. When asked about that my grandson was instantly animated and excitedly told me about it.
I hope things improve for you.

Present giving when you are overseas is difficult, In your situation I would be delighted if DS did this for me on a big birthday.

But turn it round. If your son was to have a big birthday, would you know exactly what to give him that he would find really special. I am not talking about money, but do you know exactly what would touch the right spot? Does he know what you, would really like to have as a special present on this birthday. Probably not, so he has shown his care and awareness of your birthday.

You say you spend a lot on your presents to them. How do you know what to give them or do you just choose something that appeals to you that you think that they might like.

Perhaps in those blank Face Time moments you could discuss with your son what the children would like for their birthdays and Christmas, special ideas for your DiL, that might help win her over etc.

I must confess that we as a family celebrate birthdays, but not big time and providing my birthday card arrives within a month, I am quite happy.

I don’t understand why you would be hurt, your son sent you a balloon card and a box of chocolates, you mention he earns a fortune what’s that got to do with anything, he’s got a family to support, just because you spent quite a lot of money on him and his family it doesn’t mean someone has to send the same value back, he thought of you on your birthday didn’t he, and these people saying write a letter, and say what exactly!!! Just be grateful your son remembered it was your birthday, you are reading too much into this

Why have you nothing to talk about? Does he not answer if you ask about the children, his work, their holiday plans?

Do you tell him about your life?

I understand your being hurt about the birthday, but try not to be.

Find something to discuss with him.

The young are busy, but that usually does not mean they don't want us.

There was a thread a while ago about the inappropriate gifts that menfolk give for special occasions.

Remembering some of them I think you came out quite well with a balloon and chocolates?

Disappointing, but at least you know what to send him for his birthday!

I do not think this could remotely be described as an estrangement - so please take heart!

It is just a case of different expectations. You can't do anything about his, but you can about yours.

He did think of you on your birthday and sent a stereotypical man's attempt at a birthday gift - be thankful for that.

When you FaceTime, make sure that you have plenty to say - things you have done; questions about what they have been doing etc.

Please don't start counting value of gifts and making comparisons - if you choose to spend a lot, that is fine - but do it with an open heart and not in the expectation of a similar value gift coming your way.

They live a long way away and live a very different lifestyle - like most young couples they are wrapped up in their jobs and bringing up their children.

I think you need to send positive vibes their way, rather than a vibe that is about checking what they say and do for flaws.

Do your GC have particular interests that you might be able to pursue in conversation? - both when facetiming and in the form of tiny gifts or links to send them. That would show you are thinking of them. Just small things - like a riddle to solve maybe - that keep up a link. They could become Granny's Thing - and a source of conversation.

Please don't dwell on the negatives - they are alive and well, living successful lives, and your son DID remember your birthday.

granzilla they have been arriving for 40 years, are always irrelevant to his life and she then expects him to comment on them.
Most of them (because she has found them in the newspaper) are no longer "new" news or are (sometimes) thin articles (perhaps missing the point) in an area he is expert that she thinks is "his area".

She sends them to me sometimes and although superficially are about things I'm interested in it always seems to make me sigh as she just "doesn't get it" no matter how much I chat to her. I am much more accepting of her ways than my husband but then she is not my mother!

My youngest daughter gets them too now. She rang us last weekend after she'd received something especially irritating and was needing to rant! ?
Obviously I put her on to my husband so they could talk frustrations!

And YES - she has been asked politely (and not quite so politely) to desist. But she just laughs and goes on sending them.

Good to know a lot of other mothers are in the same boat, so it's not just our children and no it's not personal!

notspaghetti
What's so wrong with sending newspaper cuttings?
Seems like an over reaction on DH's part.

Our DD has never been good at posting cards. Last year she actually sent a photo on her phone showing us the envelope that she had not got round to posting! When she does send cards they are always expensive ones which I find hypocritical.

Sbhrt21, "am I being unreasonable?"
Yes, afraid so.
His earnings have nothing to do with your birthday (except tangentially). Nor does how much you choose to spend.

He remembered your birthday and no doubt sent love. That's what most of us want as parents, to know that our families care about us and think of us now and then.

Many young people think birthdays are just another day. Those with better paying jobs buy what they want, when they want, and therefore have no real needs or wants. I'd assume that's why you had a balloon and chocolate. Not only can it be done easily online but it speaks to the "not really needing anything" generation.

I visited my son who lives some way away two weeks after his birthday to find a stack of post on the side in his kitchen. When I pointed it out he said, "oh, they're just birthday cards". He hadn't even opened them. I'd phoned him on his birthday and he'd even thanked me for my card yet here it was in a stack unopened!
He opened them to please me and the one from his grandmother had a large cheque in!

Your son wouldn't have sent the card etc at all if he didn't care for you. Put your unhappy feelings aside.

So right Bluebelle it's sad when we realise we are no longer number 1 in their lives, but that's life!