Hospital visiting: was I unreasonable?

My son in law is in hospital with an ulcer at the moment. I popped in to see him unexpectedly today and we spent best part of an hour exchanging insults. That might just be us .........

MargotLedbetter i have to say you sound like the perfect visitor. may i call you next time i'm in hospital, please?

i really don't understand gransnetters who think they know better than anyone else the right way of doing a thing.
it sounds to me as though this lady may have too little to talk about. or alternatively that the "other relative" or the messenger were creating mischief.
i remember a relative i visited (in her home) who would regale me at length about the wonderfulness of her previous visitor. turned out that her next visitor would get to hear how wonderful i was, and so on. meant nothing, except perhaps that she didn't have enough to talk about.
you, at least, provided your visitee with something talk about!

Big Louis hasn't mentioned how long ago the Carlos incident took place. Hospital visiting was quite relaxed a number of years ago. No checks were made, visitors' just came and went

My nephew's stroke was 8 years ago so a very different time then! Apparently nephew did not know Carlos but he was a "friend of a friend" and they had asked Carlos to do the visit.

This is hearsay from another relative, do you trust the informant? May be horribly garbled or self-serving?

If you trust the information, I would be straight and say you have heard x & y, and would like to understand because you didn't intend anything unhelpful. If the patient is deeply conflicted about being unwell and in hospital she may have conflicting feelings and thoughts. It also depends on how much you like her. If you like her, put it to one side until you can talk to her.

Could it be the relative saying she said this/misinterpreting deliberately what she said? Maybe a bit miffed they hadn’t thought of all your ideas for what to do while visiting?

Can say that when I’ve been in hospital the worst offence is a sister turning up dolled up to the ‘nines’ make up & hair perfect while I hadn’t been able to have a bath for nearly a week!!

Next time … go once & say ‘I heard you didn’t like the activities I brought last time but wanted me to listen to you about how you feel … so just brought my ears this time.’

I think I' d ask the relative who told you that you were surprised and ask exactly what was said and in what context.
Maybe take a step back ...send a card, call, and ask her if she' d like you to come in, ask her if she' d enjoy a puzzle again or not. Most people know what they don' t want!

Having spent years Nursing the elderly I found that often in the early stages of dementia they say things that are hurtful to people who are trying to help. Please don't take her remarks too much to heart. She is elderly and hospitals cause stress at the best of times and they don't always say appropriate things. Please don't stop visiting the elderly. They often sound ungrateful to those closest too them.

Onetime when my mother was in hospital I travelled all the wway from Manchester to Liverpool by train (I dont drive) and then had to pay for a taxi as the hospital was well out of the city. I was workig during the week so weekends were the only time I had to myself. I heard on the grapevine than my mother whinged to my sister that I had only "been once" that week - despite her knowing about the journey and the expense of a taxi. I was a student at the time so did not have moneyto throw around.

My sister was the golden princess and went in to visit several times a week. After hearing what my mother had said I did not go again and let them get on with it.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Agree with pollydolly

Elderly patients are often exhausted, not just from their treatment but from sitting or lying in bed all day. Your relative may still feel the need to be polite and hospitable, unable to tell you how tired she was feeling. I'm sure she is so happy to receive your visits, you sound so caring. She may have requested a relative to tell you how tiring she found any long visits, which was then relayed to you in a rather blunt manner. Try not to be upset, she's old, ill and tired, just forgive and forget and please keep visiting.

* Margot Leadbetter* what a rat telling you such a mean thing. I would take out my angst on the person who told you this hurtful stuff.
You weren’t there or party to the conversation. This is related third hand. I would definitely cross the messenger off my Christmas list. They obviously have no idea the difference between gossip and malicious gossip. They have now hurt you and maligned the old lady. Good Job!

From Marjgran Tue 16-Aug-22 11:49:46
This is hearsay from another relative, do you trust the informant? May be horribly garbled or self-serving?

If you trust the information, I would be straight and say you have heard x & y, and would like to understand because you didn't intend anything unhelpful. If the patient is deeply conflicted about being unwell and in hospital she may have conflicting feelings and thoughts. It also depends on how much you like her. If you like her, put it to one side until you can talk to her.

Gawd I wouldn’t take this advice. It will all get out of control.

I have had quite a few hospital stays in the past years. I have always told my family and friends not to visit me. I think it is just as stressful being visited as it is visiting and I don’t want to put those I love through that. I don’t mind them phoning me but that’s enough.

Margot, I would be confronting that lady and asking why she has said these things? How rude and frankly, friendship ending imo.

i went into hospital last december on blue lights, i had no idea who i was or where i was, that lasted for 3 days, turned out i had sepsis, my dil brought me up the things i would need and my mum visited when i was a bit better but i was in for 3 weeks and asked people not to visit, i was on the infectious diseases ward, my son would drop off things but not stay, i am a chatty person but could not think of anything to talk about. i now just phone people in hospital and that seems to work out better.

My dad used to play this card with me and my three sisters. I ignored it but not so sure the others were aware of it, given their treatment of me since.
What you do is dependent on your relationship with the other players in the game.

I'd ring her up/go and see her and say you've heard what she said about you and next time you won't bother visiting, she can lump it!

You sound lovely and kind and very thoughtful,probably should dodge that relative who is self centred and unappreciative.

How kind of you to keep on visiting her. She sounds rather ungrateful to me.

Having not long being out of hospital myself yes you want visitors but you go into a different mind set in hospital maybe think about it from her side she’s being poked 24./7 woken up to ask if you want a drink blood pressure every time you shut your eyes you get woken you don’t have your own things around you and your in pain but you don’t want to moan then when ppl visiting they ask how you feeling lol and all you want to say is I’m fine I wouldn’t be in here if I wasn’t ? and all you want to do is go home for some peace. I got to say those poor nurses are running around shattered. I had two lovely African nurses took me 3 days to actually get one of the nurses names right. Her African name not her nickname. But everyone knows what hospital visits are like you can talk hind off a donkey in street as soon has someone goes into hospital everyone gets lost and don’t know what to talk about. I wouldn’t take it personally it’s probably because of where she was.

I used to give people I visited in hospital a little gentle hand massage with a nicely scented oil. It is relaxing and doesn't require any talking or effort on their part. It's something I like myself when I am feeling poorly as I am chronically ill. Of course one should always ask someone if they would like a visit. It can be hard to get it right for both the visitor and the person being visited because it can be hard to say no to someone trying to be kind. I feel you did a tremendous amount for this lady and she had a duty to say to anyone she talked to that she recognized this and was grateful even if it wasn't entirely what she wanted. Of course you are only hearing this at second hand so maybe she did. On the other hand she may be someone who enjoys moaning and having a grievance whatever anyone else does for her.

Hi MargotL ,

Don't be upset over it !
You did your best to amuse and entertain her .

She's sick , upset ,bored , angry with the world and frustrated plus probably scared and there you are getting it all wrong !

I have this with my father :

"So I'm being abandoned and left here to die " - when I've been up with him from 6.00 am and it's nearly midnight .

" The nursing staff , the patients , their visitors don't like you ! "

" You can go home ,
.I don't want visitors now . It's my suppertime and I'm going to sleep ."

Food and drink that he wanted the day before is rejected .

Every member of hospital staff is cruel ,vicious and a thief !

There is a conspiracy against him at the hospital because he knows that all the doctors and nurses are on drugs and having orgies through the night !

And I can tell the hospital Chaplain where to shove it !

Just smile through it !

My OH takes the prize for rude and grumpy hospital patients. My DM came to babysit so my sister and I could visit him on New Year's Eve. He had surgery on his leg after a motor bike accident in the snow on the way home from work.
He greeted us with
What do you want? I don't want to see anyone. Clear off home.
Pain affects different people different ways

When my mother was in hospital very ill I visited every day and finding things to talk about was difficult as she drifted in and out of sleep. I usually took a puzzle or quiz book and when she was awake I asked for her help in solving these. It gave us something to talk about and sometimes led to her reminiscing about something relative to the puzzle answer. It sounds like you were a really good visitor and she could easily have told you she was tired if she didn't want to talk to you. I am sure she did really appreciate it.

I dont visit people in hospital, I hate having people visit me when I am ill because I really dont want to go to the effort of trying to be cheery, I sort of think other people may feel like this so I dont go.