As a new university term begins, Glenys Newton weighs the advantages of an empty nest (everlasting loo roll), with the disadvantages (it seems it's actually possible to miss chaos), and wonders why it's a subject that is so little discussed?
Glenys Newton on the joy and sadness of an empty nest.
It's that time of year again when there is a mass exodus of young people from the family home. Boxes of essentials pile up around the house. Plates, bowls, cutlery, cheese graters, pillows, books. All that it takes to create a new life somewhere else.
Much as we know that it is inevitable that our children, all being well, will leave home eventually, it still remains a huge transition in the life of any parent, carer and grandparent. Nothing can really prepare us for it, in the same way as nothing can really prepare us for their arrival into this world. Why, then, is it so little spoken about?
'Empty nest' is described as "a feeling of grief or loneliness a parent or guardian may feel when their children leave home for the first time". But it is not as simple as all that. It is not all bad, it is not all good but it is complicated. There are some wonderful benefits to children leaving home such as the loo rolls now seemingly lasting forever, you can have noisy sex, the food stays in the fridge for more than half an hour and you don't have the tub thump of some indiscernible noise coming through the kitchen ceiling. At the same time, it is actually possible to miss the mess, the noise, the chaos and unreasonable demands on our time.
We go from changing their nappy to teaching them to drive within a relatively short period of years and there is no other relationship that has to adapt so much and so quickly.
The relationship we have with our children and grandchildren is one that goes through enormous changes. We go from changing their nappy to teaching them to drive within a relatively short period of years and there is no other relationship that has to adapt so much and so quickly. And this doesn't stop when they leave home. The way in which our wee folk turned big leave home, the relationship that we are able to maintain with them while also recognising the person that they have grown into, has an impact for the future. It can affect the relationship we have with our grandchildren and their extended family.
When my son left home I was amazed at the changes and amazed also that nobody really talked about it. As the years have gone by and we have adapted to the changes that have come about, my relationship with my son has changed. It has moved on, as many relationships have to if they do not want to get stuck. Whenever he comes home to visit I am always stunned by the rapid disappearance of loo rolls and food.
Whenever he leaves again there is always a mixture of missing him all over again and relief at not having to fill the fridge up every five minutes. There is also that feeling that time is marching on for me and, while I rejoice in his youth and optimism, I know that the time has come to stop seeing my child as a child and to start seeing him as the adult that he has become.
Glenys's book, Home Flown: A Laymamma's Guide to an Empty Nest, is available on Amazon.