No fuss funerals

So much hypocrisy about funerals

AB.SOL.UTELY
And often it is the ones who were the least respectful of the deceased when they were alive who become the most particular about how they get to "pay their respects" to the dead.

I will also stipulate that BEFORE I die, no one is to be admitted to visit my death bed unless they have had a 1:1 conversation with me in the year preceeding me falling ill. I dont want my loved ones and true friends elbowed aside by some disingenuous relative. It has been grotesque when it has happened to others. I will provide written "support" for my close family and friends so it doesnt happen to them too

I've never discussed arrangements about my funeral. I don't know what it is but I can't seem to talk about it. The cost is set aside so I'm not worried about that and the family will probably realise that I've made provisions but I just haven't spoken about it.

Condolences annsixty.

There are dramatic family members in my family. Histrionics, verbal fights about who was more important to who.

They gave their dear Irish father a ‘totally dry’ funeral and wake, just to be spiteful and a deeply Nonconformist relative who had never touched a drop, the funeral tea in the main bar of a local pub.

I hope I don’t go before them, I am a devout Catholic but want a simple funeral mass with cremation and burial of my ashes.

Knowing my luck, I will pass too early and no priest will conduct a prayer within a mile of my coffin. Purposefully.

At least I can laugh about it.

At the end of March I posted a thread about my MiL request for a no fuss funeral.
We wanted to carry out her wishes.

My Daughter wanted the few family that she had left to say their goodbyes.

We used the CO-OP funeral palour in our village.
The lady was excellent she took on board my Mil wishes and offered the choice of either Non attended cremation or a Simple Funeral.

Because of her granddaughters wishes we chose the Simple Funeral.

The cost inluded a simple wood coffin.

The date was chosen by the funeral palour.
A Tuesday at 10.30am which suited us well.

My mother in law remained at the funeral palour in closed coffin (as per the Simple Funeral terms) this however was what my husband would have requested.

The Simple Funeral was for the hearse only.
We used our own cars

The funeral cost did not cover a charity collection box.
I bought a lovely blue one from Amazon.

DH printed the orders of service with lovely picture of his mother.

The Simple Funeral did not cover the cost of a celebrant or minister which would be £200 extra.

My Mil had stated that she did not wish that
somebody she had never met to talk about her (her words)

Another poster on the thread had said that she had organised and spoke without a celebrant at her husbands funeral and it had gone well.

So It was decided that I would do take the service.
DH and I wrote the service.
DH chose the music and one hymn.
We had the Lord's Prayer.

All details were forwared by email to the CO-OP.

The CO-OP sorted out the music and the hymn, (which had voices on, very helpfull for a smallish funeral).

On the morning of the funeral my Mil arrived at crematorium in black hearse
A young lady in a black and purple uniform with a top hat led the car slowly along the drive.
It was very dignified.

She introduced herself to me and took me inside.
we quickly went through the timings for music etc and she wished me luck.

The coffin was brought in by the Funeral directors Pallbearers to a
piece of music loved by Mil

The funeral was short but very personal.

Afterwards the friends and family said that it was lovely and we had done my Mil proud.

We had the wake as per my Mil request.

How Ellan? Have you prepared an obvious "death box" with the info? If not what is to stop them from going to another director you havent pre paid and paying again?

It can take weeks of work to wade through peoples paperwork for probate, people wont do that before your funeral just incase you have prepaid a funeral. It would be assumed that if you had you would have made it known.

Thank you all for your advice and my condolences, annsixty. Your post was most moving and I will send it on to my DH.
I think I would choose a middle way; a simple funeral. Just calling the Crem. and asking them to pick up a body worries me. It seems a bit too casual; I don't really know and will have to give it some thought.
On a lighter note. I was once acquainted with the wife of the local undertaker. She cheerfully thought nothing of paying £1,300 for a wedding outfit (not inc. shoes and bag). Goes to show how much money they make.

My DH died 8 weeks ago, His family expected a funeral & a wake , I knew that's what he would want so I organised it.He had been ill for the last 2 years, I had given up my full time job to care for him so we were living on benefits & my low wage.Not one member of his family even asked me if I was ok to pay for everything.(would never ask for help)They are all financially a lot better off than me.
I now have his favourite niece asking if I have his ashes at home & she wants to scatter them. Don't want his ashes, think its a bit morbid, Ashes are already scattered at crematorium garden She ignored him this last year, think she feels guilty now. I'm donating my body to medical science, but if for any reason I'm not suitable a water cremation or a simple cremation is my preferred way to go & my DD & DS know this,What happens after is entirely up to them

Graunty Helen that sounds like a good balance to me.

The only person close tome is my best friend, who is considerably older, but in better health. Thus, it's a toss-up as to which of us dies first. As neither of us have any contact whatsoever with our children, their wishes will not be taken into consideration. Because we are both on benefits and have no savings, the cheapest method of disposal is the only option open to either of us, so it's just as well that that is what we both want!

Notanan2---no " death box ". Money is in the bank in a separate account and has been " building ". No arrangements have been made by myself to any funeral director. As I'd posted, I haven't done anything about anything.

Condolences to those recently bereaved on this thread.
My mother died in November and I went along with my brother in arranging what we hoped would be a fitting send off. I think we achieved that, it mainly replicated my father's funeral 28 years before with a church service, burial in the churchyard and an afternoon tea at a pleasant venue.

For me it was quite traumatic, the wait between her death and the funeral was very difficult. It was hard when the vicar asked us about how good a mother she had been and we both answered honestly, even though we loved her. I found it depressing to be with members of my family who only see us at funerals these days. DH and I both thought this was not for us.

We have told both our sons that we want "pure cremation" type disposal of our bodies when we die. I don't want any mawkish tea and sandwiches affair. We will allocate a specific sum of money to our sons to spend on arranging something a little later for those we care about to enjoy themselves, in our memory, strictly fun, lots of booze and something to keep the bonds alive for those we leave behind. It would be hard for even a pretty lavish event to cost as much as a funeral, stone, refreshments etc. etc.

We feel much better now we have decided that.

I might just pop in to have a look at a new funeral place which has recently opened in my local village just to get an insight into what their arrangements/ costs consist of.

EllanVannin how do you imagine that that money will pay for your funeral then? Have you ever executed a will? It could a years before that account is through probate!

Prepaid funerals arent the only way. There are ways to have certain accounts accessed PRIOR to probate to pay for funeral costs but it has to be set up properly, not just sitting in a saving account that nobody knows about. I think NS&I accounts can be made accesible prior to probate but there must be known instructions left if you want your funeral costs to come out of your estate rather than out of your family's pocket!

When my husband died, we had discussed it and agreed on a direct cremation followed by a ceremony in the village hall. He had said he didn't want to waste money on a fancy funeral but wanted his friends to have plenty to eat and drink to mark his passing.

I found a local funeral director who was very happy to do as we wished. They collected my husband's body from the hospice and kept it on their premises until the cremation date - this was arranged by them with the crem, in an early-morning slot not popular with regular funerals. We provided the clothes he would wear and even a piece of music they said they would play, although we would not be there.

Then a couple of weeks later we held our farewell ceremony. It was quite similar to a funeral, but instead of a coffin, we had my husband's ashes, displayed in a miniature beer keg (he would have loved that!) We had eulogies, poems and music; then we didn't have to drive off anywhere else, we just moved the furniture around and served refreshments. There was a lively, positive buzz about the place and it all worked out very well.

The funeral director advised us not just to have a party; he said, and we understood, thatvpeople need to have some serious, reflective time to say goodbye - and then make a break before the refreshments and the "party".

The actual cost of the cremation and the funeral director's bit was about £2000, which meant we could be generous with food and drink etc. I have told my daughters that something similar for me would do very nicely when my turn comes.

Re the money: the bank will normally release funds to pay for a funeral before probate. I think we sent the bills to the bank and they paid them directly.

just wondering, why do relatives want ashes back?

jura I guess because thats just what you do/what happens.

Cremation ash is much much more toxic/polluting than wood fire ask etc and ideally shouldnt be dumped in nature but with the lack of normalised alternatives I guess people feel obliged to..

Notanan2, when a death certificate is produced to my bank by my daughter, the funeral bill will be automatically paid. I don't see any problem, plus I've banked with the same since 1960.

Re the money: the bank will normally release funds to pay for a funeral before probate. I think we sent the bills to the bank and they paid them directly

I have been able to do that once when it was specifically written into the will.

The other time when it wasnt written into the will I had to pay upfront for the funeral then submit it as a debt to be repaid from the estate prior to probate completion. This meant I got it back before probate was completed, but not fast enough to not have to pay upfront out of my own pocket (even though I got it back)

^ the second option is tricky with the potential for other beneficiaries to dispute your invoice. This didnt happen to me luckily

Ellan you may think your finances are self explainitory but unless you have left clear instructions and had the conversation, they are not.

Wading through finances is usually a job for AFTER the funeral, so if you have a fund for her to access prior to the funeral, you need to tell her and say so in your will.

Have you ever done probate for anyone? Even with instructions it is hard. Everyone has their little systems that make sense to them and even when you HAVE been left clear instructions, it is still hard to decipher it all without the person there to ask/explain

I often joke.....so as to let my children know that I want as little fuss as possible ....that if it was permitted, they could throw me on the compost heap. Not nice if you think about it but I just want them to know that once I have died I will no use for the organic matter left behind.