Making New Friends

Its harder to make friends as you get older. Im a bit of a loner really. Had one good friend but the usual, they meet a man then move on, you become surplus to requirements. Another friend always late when we arranged things. Usually got told oh we will meet up soon, but got fed up with the unreliabity and the lateness. I honestly am passed bothering. Have good friends from a previous workplace I meet up with a few times a year, thats really nice. Due to health reasons, I cannot always go out. On a good day I do try to go out. Everyone has their own circle of friends and have often found if ladies have sisters, they dont need anyone else.

We are moving to Somerset in three weeks time, & dreading leaving a few special friends whom we meet for lunches & dinners etc. It’s just not quite the same keeping touch by email etc.

We will be going along to the local U3A to hopefully meet likeminded people & make a few friends along the way.

I am in the same situation, i look after elderly parents twice a week and have no real friends to speak off. Sounds like great idea to arrange coffee mornings for local gransnetters. I am based in Surrey and would be happy to organise if anyone is interested.

Louise

I know exactly how you feel, I work four days and look after grandchildren on the fifth, and quite often at weekends. I’m so pleased to be coming to the end of the school holidays as I seem to have been running a B&B for the last few weeks!

But when I get some me time, I just want to relax, my friend list has dwindled over the years, and I don’t want to lose the ones I have, I know I need to make more effort, and when I eventually retire, and the children are growing up, I’ll regret it, if my friend list has dwindled away completely.

Louise45
I do think we all need at least one special person to confide in

I agree totally. Many times I wish I still had.
I think it takes time to build this kind of relationship and when you're older its more difficult. And many of us will have lost best friends and mothers to confide in.
So sadly it's not always possible.

A very interesting topic, I am 53 with a very busy life, 4 day working week, Grandma duties on my day off, elderly parents nearby yet I find myself worrying about lack of contact with my friends. Sometimes I don’t want them, other times I miss them dearly but feel I don’t have the time when I do want them. We are all at different stages in our lives which doesn’t help. I am in a constant mental battle with my mind ?. Partly to blame is the menopause for sure but that’s another topic, I agree social media paints this idealist picture of groups of older lady friends having a wonderful time but however we socialise it’s okay, groups, coffee at the cafe, in your home or on sites like this. Remember we all have so much in common, that’s why we are chatting on here. The number of friends you have isn’t important but I do think we all need at least one special person to confide in.

Just to add I think the reality is accents do to some degree influence impressions but I agree I shouldn't buy into it..
?

Annep1

Thank you for taking the time to respond.
I think I always make a good effort to feed and water guests and I'm fortunate to have the space and other to do that. Any generousity I offer is genuine but not OTT flash. No pretence that I'm sure of.
Although I do feel embarrassed by this subject there's absolutely no question I'd put on an act to attract friendship.

Me too sazzl.

I have a lovely friend but she finds it very hard to make local friends. I think the reason is because she talks non stop and tends to jump subjects so people have trouble keeping up. Also she's quite outspoken at times and can offend others. But she has a heart of gold underneath once you get to know her. Have known her for 12 years now. I prefer 1 or 2 friends rather than a large group of aquaintences

Some people have lots of friends, some don't. We're all different.
But here's a thought, CyclingSenior. Perhaps you make such an effort to make people feel welcome and enjoy themselves that others feel they can't match your successful evenings..
Also your circle may have got smaller simply because friends own families have increased with more time being spent with gc etc.

Perhaps you are assertive, but do you want to change to attract friends or pretend to be different. Is it that important? Or should you perhaps try for some new friends. I think you might like U3A. I am a member and its a good way to meet people whilst taking part in a shared interest.

I like the idea of being able to say I have lots of friends and sometimes I feel that I am lacking in not having a big social circle, but if I'm honest with myself I wouldn't have the energy or desire to invest in it.
Sometimes you need to actually sit down and discuss with yourself what kind of friendships you really want. Not what you think you should have or want.
I have health problems too which affect energy, and probably many of us are like that as we get older.

My best friend died less than two years ago. We had known each other over twenty years. We met at church and just clicked, we were just on the same wavelength. I made another friend three years ago the same way. Just instantly bonded. Sadly she had to move away last year.
If I'm meant to have another friendship like this, it will happen in its own time.
I have another close friend, but she is more like a sister than a chosen friend. She rarely comes to me but prefers me to visit her, if we aren't going out. I'm actually trying to change that (not very successfully)

Like others I am happy at my art or other things I enjoy doing, meeting like-minded people and enjoying a chat/occasional coffee, without too much being expected.

I think many people have less friends as they get older and other groups may look like they're having lots of fun (just as facebookers look like life is wonderful). and some may go home thinking, goodness what boring chat (I'm thinking my daughter would say this)
And perhaps you are self-conscious about your accent which you shouldn't be. Why is one accent more acceptable than another? If folk don't like your accent then they aren't worth your attention.

Don't think about it so much is my advice. Just get out and do stuff and enjoy.

Thank you for telling me, Sara65.

People change anyway as they get older so sometimes, even if there isn't a quarrel, the friendship drifts.

Tangerine

We bumped into each other about a year ago, the years fell away, we had a lovely long chat, I felt really happy to have seen her, but it just seemed too much time had passed, sad really

Well, gillybob and katyK you have friends on here, so please don't despair.

I'm a quiet 'sober-sides' (boring, probably) with very little in the way of assertiveness. I always wait for others to make the first move as I'd be embarrassed if I was rebuffed.

I can count on the fingers of one hand the people I'd call real friends, I realise that that is fortunate.

I think we don't need friends in the same way we did. When we are young we are experiencing all sorts of new events and emotions, we have to make lots of decisions that could affect the next 50 years etc. We tend to require one or more friends who are close enough that we can tell them our intimate thoughts so they can counsel us. Also we like big parties and to go out, amd want to know lots of people we can invite plus spares in case our first choice is busy. As we get old, we've usually settled on whatever decisions we've made, have very little new to discuss, and it's often enough just to have people around who you know well enough to say "lovely weather" to and who you trust are decent enough to dash over and help us up if we slip on the snow.

Kerenhappuch, if your friend thought you were expecting too much of her she shouldn't have made the arrangements with you in the first place, not just failed to keep them. I disagree with your therapist, it's not expecting too much of anyone that they should honour any arrangement they have actually made!

I find friendships more difficult now. Some people are moving away on retirement. Sadly some die. With the changes in families and the way neighbours are generally less neighbourly and increasing loneliness and isolation it has become harder to have friends

I got to the point where I felt I had nobody to talk to, and went to therapy. A number of friendships had lapsed because those friends had other things going on in their lives and were seeing me more as a supporter than a friend. One particular friend, who I've known since childhood, became very involved with a new set of people where she lived, and became very unreliable about keeping our arrangements to see each other. Therapy enabled me to see that maybe I was expecting a bit much of this friendship and to rescale my expectations of her.

Thank you for starting the thread CyclingSenior , I see that I am not the only one without any real life friends and it’s not something to be ashamed of , just one of those things.

Thank you all for your posts ; I'm very grateful you've taken the time to respond.
I want to reply to you all!
?It seems its hard work this friends business!
Much appreciated.

Sara65 - is it possible for you to make contact with the person you fell out with? Perhaps she misses you too!

One of my biggest regrets is falling out with a girl who I’d been really close to for twenty years, our families were close and we all did everything together. Initially, she accused me of something completely ridiculous, if she’d been rational at the time, she’d have known it was ridiculous. But I couldn’t get past it, I was angry with her, and said I couldn’t be friends with her any more, there’s hardly a day goes by when I don’t miss her.

Another friend goes back to student days, we’ve shared flats, we’re godparents to each other’s children, we get on well as families, and gradually over the last few years, she’s just stopped being friends, no idea why.

I suppose the moral is you can’t take your friends for granted, if you’re lucky enough to have good friends, you need to work at it, in the same way as anything else

Excellent cycle thank you. Delighted I managed 22 miles and didn't need to push up any of the hills ; I'm improving!. No E bike ; I'd be too tempted with the battery button..

Wishing you good luck in new area wherever you relocate.

Mercure

'Goodbyes are friendly with lots of "see you soon" "come to us next time's" but then ....... zilch!'

Your post does reasonate with me..

We do however have friends (via my husbands work) who held a garden get together every year for around 40 people and I remember the whittled the numbers down to about 6 couples by year four. They were very honest and said 'we never got asked over most people's doorstep but would be happy to keep coming back year on year'

We do still see them and indeed I visited her in hospital recently and had the husband here for dinner.

I guess I respected their thinking which was if you can't do it with good grace then don't do it at all. They just found it disrespectful that people would not offer reciprocal hospitality. They said even if they invited them to meet in a local cafe for a coffee that was fine as the venue and all else was irrelevant.

I have a group of friends who used to be on the WI committee with me from about 7 years ago as follows.

No. 1 died last year
No. 2 has dementia
No 3 has had a hip replacement but is very active for 89
No. 4 has just had a mini stroke and jaw problems
No. 5 has terminal cancer
No. 6 has serious back problems
No. 7 has nasty gout and frequents A and E ?‍⚕️
No. 8 is hail and hearty and has recovered from a hip op well
No. 9 is reasonably well and walks fast, that’s ME

I sometimes wonder who will pop their clogs next ☹️