A lonely frightening time.

PS - our local hospice has been brilliant. They had him for a 2 week respite stay, they offer me free counselling and massages etc. and just generally take their role with carers as seriously as theirs with the patient. Your GP can make a referral.

Maybe they are all in denial because they don't want to believe that the worse can happen?
I would suggest that you find yourself a support group through Macmillan or Cancer research or possibly your GP surgery or local hospice will have information of a group. To be able to sit and talk with people in a similar situation or people that have been through it , will give you some strength that you are not alone with your fears as well as giving you a break from the caring for a couple of hours .
Beyond that, I can only wish you well and as others have said, Gransnetters are always her for you

Very difficult time for you. Marie Curie offer services I think, like counselling and help. Also, get in touch with Macmillan. Speak to your family and friends truthfully and let them know how you feel. I agree with Lucky Girl above.

I really feel for you. All we need at these times is just to feel heard. It is exhausting having to put on the mask every day. I know in our state there are organizations that you can ring and talk to someone who has been through a similar situation. They can be very helpful. Ask the social worker at the hospital for support agencies, I am sure you can get help there. They have been an enormous help to our family and they do not say things that only make it worse, and yes they listen! All the best and ring!!

My 10 month old grandson who i have started to mind recently gets very upset and cries a lot . My daughter in law is very critical of me . I feel like a lost teenager about to burst into tears its knocked my confidence. Any advice and does anyone else feel this way. I feel she resents me looking after him as she has just started a new job

Hello Calpurnia. I am so sorry to read about your husband's cancer. I am the other side of this having had breast cancer that had started to spread before diagnosed and treated.

In the town where I live there is a charitable organisation that offers free counselling and support for people who have cancer, but also for relatives, friends and carers of cancer sufferers. They are called We Hear You or WHY. Their contact number is 01373 455255 and they do now do phone support as well. But as others have said, Macmillan are really good and I so hope that you and possibly also your husband, can find the help, love and support you so badly need. ?

I'd strongly advise finding people you can speak honestly to about the emotional strain you're under. It really does help, and there will be something available somewhere. You've taken the first step by posting here. You can't support your husband without support for yourself. Perhaps you could have a look online and see if anything sounds as if it might be helpful?

Calpurnia Is there anything you can do now and again to reduce the pressure. I find it difficult to think of anything, but possibly drive out to a remote place and scream for as long as you can, or lie there and cry until you can cry no more.

Some times in situations like yours, everybody is so kind and supportive, and you need to be so cheerful for those about you, that to find a quiet place to let all your inner pain and despair and not be comforted can be cathartic and give you the strength to go on.

Oh I so feel for you and your Hubsand, with everything you are both going through. I don’t want to make this all about me however I was diagnosed in 2016 with terminal bladder cancer and am so fortunate to still be alive but I can appreciate all your fears and worries. To be told “not to worry” is the hardest thing, my Hubby worries daily about me and the next thing that could potentially take me out. He is my caregiver for now, and I see how tired and grey he has become on this shitty journey, I see him become anxious, I feel his pain. Death is something that will come to us all but when you are diagnosed with a life limiting illness, it forces you to face all the things you don’t want to have to face, your mortality for one.
You need to take care of you, try and take some time out, for a ladies lunch or have a hobby where you can be selfish and try and switch off, even if it is just for an hour.
YOU are important and your fears and worries need to be spoken about or it will end up driving you mad. I bet there are some things you haven’t dared to say out loud and every time they pop into your head, you will try to bury them. Do you have a close friend who you can say “just please listen to me” and get it all out? Or write it all down in a diary? Even those things you don’t want to think about, just getting those out can help emotionally. There just isn’t enough support, psychologically for those with cancer and for those who support us... my Hubby is having counselling, his 4th time now since I have been diagnosed, it gives him the chance to talk about whatever he wants and I think that’s helping. He also was prescribed antidepressants as sometimes the weight is too much to bare.
Sending you a massive hug ❤️❤️❤️

It’s exhausting putting on a happy face when all you want to do is cry. It’s what people expect. I know Facebook isn’t the best but if there is a support group out there for people in your situation, join it. It’s surprising how telling people in a similar situation how you feel does take a lot of the pressure off.

This is such a tough time for you also - I have been through this also, but I dealt with it thinking the remaining time we had together would be good and an adventure I just felt I owed this to my late husband who I so loved. Hold tight your doing with courage what we signed up for. Sending you a big hug. x

I know there will be people who find this silly, but here goes. When DH was having treatment, he coped well (it worked - another story) but I was, like you, weighed down with being 'up' and 'on duty' so much of the time. Two things helped my coping. Every day if it was possible I did something unrelated to his condition - swim, choir, etc. And one day walking through the churchyard feeling alone I sat in the porch (church locked) where there was a print of an icon with a few words. Had a little weep, and realised that whether it's an objective truth in any way, the notion that we are not alone can help us cope when alone we cannot. So now I attend and am happy to have the support religion offers. - I am lucky this church is very traditional and does not simplify/patronise.

If there is a Maggie's Centre nearby this could be a source of comfort. There are things you cannot say to family sometimes but need an understanding outlet.

Life can be very difficult but recognising that there is a lot to be grateful for keeps me going.

My hubby has got prostate cancer and bladder cancer which hasn't spread so I am very optimistic. I just find that I can put on a brave face and cope as I don't think of the "what ifs". I haven't looked but I am sure there must be Facebook groups on the computer you can say how you feel and see how other people feel and get support

I went through cancer myself not long ago, and I live alone. It's a lonely place to be dealing with something so frightening by yourself no matter if you are the patient or carer.
You can have free counseling from Cancer Support or similar.

I'm cancer free now, but I still cannot move forward I'm still living it. Sending you love and understanding x

Popped into M&S for a late breakfast and ordered "scrambled eggs on toast". AIBU to expect the eggs on the toast, and not "on the side" with the toast unbuttered (and consequently over crunchy) or was I just hangry? The display picture looks lovely with the eggs on the buttered toast!

So sorry! Not meant for here. How do I remove it??

You won't be able to, Jackie, we aren't allowed to edit all by ourselves.
Nobody will mind your error though - we've all done it.

I can't really add to the wonderful advice you've had here, so I'll just say how very sorry I am. I went through a similar situation with my darling mother, so I know how hard it is to be upbeat all the time, even when things are so grim. I'm thinking of you.

Calpurnia - you are now in the role of carer for an unknown period of time and this has dreadful repercussions on your psyche which only those who have been in this situation can begin to appreciate. As a bereavement counsellor in a hospice I would say to you that you should definitely seek some counselling for yourself. We offer this type of support for relatives during the cancer journey, and fingers crossed that your husband will come through this, there is still the fallout that lands on you. So, you need to see your GP and tell him/her that you need some emotional support and make sure that you get it. People in your orbit simply don't know what to say which is why you are getting a range of suggestions/encouragements. You would be far better going to see a therapist - a stranger who you could talk to openly about your feelings, fears, and loneliness etc.

I'm so sorry Calpurnia as you must be feeling very sad and lonely. Could you ask your GP for emotional support?

We were helped greatly by the hospice movement - they were worth their weight in gold. A volunteer visited us at home and I also went to carers' meetings and afterwards to those held for the bereaved. Without their help I think we would have had breakdowns.

My ILs, like yours, were also in denial - about as much use as a chocolate teapot. It's not as though they didn't care - they couldn't cope with reality and this felt as though the burden was all ours and we had to put on a happy face for their visits to make them feel better.

It was a very stressful time.

My heartfelt sympathy. So much good advice already given here, but I would like to add next time a friend comes out with some platitude about how well your husband looks, when he is not within earshot, sit the good lady or gentleman down and explain that you need a friend you can honestly discuss things with and you would like it to be her/him.

It is nice that your husband is stable right now, but he is suffering from an incurable disease. However well he is now, the long time prognosis is not good, unfortunately. You need someone who will listen to you when you need to express your anxiety about the future. Someone who will not tell you that everything in the garden is lovely.

You will unfortunately not stop worrying about how much your husband will go through before he gets to the end. I am not saying he will suffer, hopefully everything will be easy, but you will worry.

You will also worry about how your life will continue when the sad day that finds you alone comes.

If your husband is in denial you cannot discuss matters with him, but please, do check with your bank whether joint accounts are frozen on the death of a spouse - where I live they are, although funeral expenses can be paid from them by the bank.

This may seem cold, it isn't meant so, you need to know how you will be placed, you will be less able to deal with financial issues over and above the emotional side of things later on, if for no other reason than because you will be tired.

I speak from experience, my father knew my mother's and his joint will was out of date, my sister had had a son after that will was drawn up, but my mother was in denial and there was nothing my father could do. As she had always dealt with all financial matters he was lost. I would hate the think something similar would happen to anyone else.

Once you have one person who will allow you to be honest, try to get your adult children to accept that death comes to us all and that their father's time is approaching. If some of them genuinely do not realise this, the shock will be all the greater when they are forced to face the reality.

Keep us posted. We all feel for you. And forgive me, if this comes over as being cynical, it is not meant to be.

Thank you MissAdventure - been feeling bad! x

Calpurnia, I hope you find some help from the sources recommended by the grans here.

My old friend died recently of lung cancer, and I read her hospice's website. It contained a full account of the dying process which I saw was completely understood by the hospice . so therefore I felt that she had been really well looked after at this important stage of her life.

I think other people find it unbearable and don’t want to see you upset or hear of how bad it is because they feel they don’t know how to cope....so they behave the way they do. The best support I had in a grave situation was from someone who said ‘some things can’t be resolved’ and just sat with me, giving me the space to say exactly how I felt. I would look around for the right sort of support. No need to keep putting a brave face on all the time. Contact all the organisations mentioned in the above comments.See also if you can get just a little time for yourself away from the home. Let other people in a little...Perhaps by just saying something like ‘this is difficult for me’...and see if anyone can let that be. If they can’t, don’t spend as much time with them. We are all here for you.