marriage help please (long sorry)

It does sound like it mght be Asperger's from what you say. You sound as though you both need to go to Relate which I think is a free service. If you don't want sex just now, tell him no.... good luck

Phew! What an unhappy situation for you Cornishmaid?
I think you must love him though, and understand him well, which is a good start.Regular quiet talks with him about how you feel may help, as he may not pick up on how you are feeling otherwise.
Certain things must change though, and he has to understand that Aspergers or no Aspergers.
He must help more around the house, you work, do childcare and have just had a cancer scare and infection which has left you feeling low.Naturally, sex will not be on your agenda feeling like that.
All in all, it sounds as if he is trying, as least in regards to not drinking, and you should too.
The key to all things in marriage IMHO is the ability of one person to talk and the other listen and vice versa.I wish you good luck for the future.

I agree that dh is trying, but, sadly, it may be too late. Definitely think you two should go to Relate or something, as jevive suggests, to sort out your feelings. (((Hugs)))

What a lovely detailed story of your life so far Cornishmaid .
I wonder about your confidence these days as you still seem to think of drinking so much.
You obviously love your DH and have two children together....thats important for the future as they need you both.
I get the feeling that debt and exhaustion have taken their toll on you.
Your DH is really trying with his alcohol problem.
Is it remotely possible that his parents could give you both a financial boost, as they must know the situation?

thanks everyone. I think some of it is just tiredness and lack of a real 'break'. I just feel like ive made such a mess of things. My dad constantly reminds me of this - everyone he knows has careers and he is clearly quite ashamed of me. I've never taken drugs or got involved with the wrong crowd - I just perhaps havnt had the confidence to find a career - and now it costs so much to go back to university. I understand that life can be a bit of a 'plod'. The alcohol issue gave us both a shake. Its caused issues for years as its worried me as he has a dodgy liver anyway through anotehr illness - and he struggles with his weight. I think Im ok alcohol wise. I dont crave it and im fine without - well under the 14 units a week (whereas before we would both be far, far over this) It may take time to just re adjust our marriage to having a T total partner (i still cant believe it - so proud of him and it has been a long time coming i think) I struggled to get through one drink last night and the thought of being drunk now horrifies me.
I have lovely friends and a job I like that has some purpose. I think it might be that I need to go out with friends for the odd coffee like i have this morning, and not worry that my husband doesn't want to go. Its difficult that he has made himself un welcome (you see that's very difficult - no one i know seems to like him and its a huge variety of people from all back grounds) I dont want him to feel excluded but I cant shut myself away just because it suits him. Id never want anyone to mean about him but he does make it difficult for himself
Im gping to look for somewhere smaller to move to in the village with slightly less rent - my children can share a room and so maybe we cld drp down to a 2 bed house - this would ease financial strain. Thanks so much - think i feel a bit more positive already x

You have a lot of issues going on here and life must be pretty difficult for you. the picture you paint of your husband is not good - are you determined to keep the marriage going?
There are plenty of women with anti-social husbands who go out with friends and build their own social life so this would help you.
If you really want to go to university, it need not be expensive. You can study part time with the OU with a loan and it only has to be paid back if you earn over £21,000. If you could get your husband to do more at home, you could study evenings/weekends.
I hope things improve soon.

Good for you Cornishmaid you are being positive and pro-active.
Yes, go out and meet others for a coffee now and then, your DH may not want or need friends but most of us do and it brings cheer to our lives to connect with others.

I'm glad that you're being "positive" and "pro-active," too, Cornishmaid. Iv known other women who had to socialize on their own because their dhs weren't interested. No harm there at all. Lets each person be the way they want to be. So good for you for going for that coffee this morning, etc. Hope you do it more often! Glad you're giving dh credit where it's due, as well!

But it worries me that you're so deeply affected by your father's opinion - and that he voices it "constantly." You may need to let him know you expect him to stop. If he won't, you may have to put a little distance between you.

I don't mean cut him out of your life. I just mean see/talk to him a little less than you do. You say that maybe you "haven't had the confidence to find a career," but maybe a nagging, critical dad is part of the reason. Perhaps you need to give yourself enough space from him to build up that confidence. I'm not blaming him for all your problems, but right now, I don't think his attitude is helping. Just my thoughts.

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Reported.

Cornishmaid I think you are hard on yourself and stronger than you know. You have been through a great deal and have clearly been - and in many ways continue to be- a loving wife No relationship is static - or at least, it shouldn't be. Over the years we all change and there is always the danger that we can grow on parallel lines, or grow apart, rather than growing together. But you have come through many years where you have 'come back to each other' despite many strains.

It is not surprising that you feel you have been brought low and that you question your relationship. It is natural to want to be happier.

However, twenty years is a long time and, of course, you cannot undo or rewrite it and you clearly have some deep bonds with your husband - not just the children.

At times, perhaps because of confidence, perhaps, in part because of age difference and expectations of role, you have fallen into some patterns of managing the household that are not always good or fair for you and I think these could be talked about. Your H might surprise you by making changes - after all, he has managed to change his drinking habits.

It does seem that your H may be on the Aspergers spectrum - I was thinking this before you said it. But that does not mean he cannot change. Perhaps you have tried - with the very best of intentions - to compensate too much for what you have perceived as his limitations in times gone by and this may have contributed to him simply accepting some things that you have not really been happy with. But if he loves you - and the indications seem to be there - hopefully he can listen to your needs. I suspect that as he ages, he is also deeply conscious of the age difference between you and evaluating your relationship in an open and honest way together may actually relieve his mind.

I have a family member who has Aspergers and there is a common perception that they are unable to empathise - this is not necessarily the case - they sometimes misread a social context, but can be very sensitive people.

Lastly, you have obvious regrets about missed education opportunities. Explore the possibilities. You supported your H at one point in your marriage. See what can be done to support you in some form of education - there are many things available online and apprenticeships for older people too. If your strengths lie in working with children, the nursery route, qualifying at NVQ level on the job may be a good start. Just a thought - this was my route and gave me options for the furure. Also a carers role might be worth exploring - you seem able to be flexible about hours.

When I was going theough a lot of rubbish in my life, I had a friend who kept saying the same thing to me:'Keep a stout heart'. I like that saying - it is hard to keep 'strong', but between the lines of all you have shared, there is a strong woman who needs to regain some hope and I think it is not unattainable. xx

I really admire your honesty and fairness. Could you talk to your husband again as clearly things must change. You might get financial assistance with courses if you ask.

I am a bit late joining this conversation but you asked for honest opinions.

To me you are co-dependent - if you aren't sure what this means then you need to research it. I WAS co-dependent too and I guess a lot of people are. Its only when you start to understand this, you can do something about it.

You met this guy when you were very young and am guessing he was your answer to all your prayers at the time?

Fact is you have grown and matured and you now realise you don't want this life that you have.

I fully understand the 'for better or worse' commitment you made to your husband but I can only urge you to get out!

You are only 38!

The thought of going it alone may seem scary but its not as scary as you may feel "Feel the fear and do it anyway"! Nobody is responsible for anybody else's happiness and we cannot control them or think for them. Similarly nobody is responsible for our own happiness! We have to find that within.

Your situation is making you totally unhappy and you need to change this. It won't happen overnight but baby steps is the key.

Also, nobody actually needs anybody to make them whole. We are individuals who are whole. A partner should only enhance your feeling of well being. If they don't....its time to make a stance. For your own sanity and happiness I would urge you to do this.

When one door closes another opens - yes its a cliche but its so true.

I do hope you find the strength to change this situation and move forward.

I agree with Bluegal. This is not a happy fulfilling marriage. You owe it to everyone, but more importantly yourself to make the life you want. It will be not be easy at first, but it's far from that now. Make a fresh start, you can part on good terms and you can make a new life. Do you still want this life when your 60?

I also think your father's still having a negative effect on you. I hope you start believing in yourself as you've done a good job.