Daughter.....newly married...in laws..

I was exactly like joyfulnanna back in the day! I feel so sorry now that I didn't 'think' about my lovely DM and how it must have hurt her to hear what I was doing, where I was going etc with the family and M and FiL. I'm in the same position now, with two married AC (men) who spend loads of time with their family and respective in-laws. I agree, it's lovely to know they're happy but surely no one would fail to understand how sad it can make you feel to be (not jealous but) missing out on happy family times and memories - surely that's a natural reaction. Having said all that I haven't expressed this to them.

Chrisks, my situation is fairly similar. I have a daughter who is my only child. I've brought her up exclusively by myself as a single parent since she was 10. Her Dad moved on and didn't have much contact, nor contributed to her upbringing financially. She is now 31, married two years ago and expecting a baby quite soon.

She is really close to her in-laws, and they love her a lot. They are a type of family that is very different to what she has been used to. Very traditional, lots of family get-together's and make time for family holidays / breaks where the (adult) children, spouses and grandchildren are included. Her family experience has been me, with a couple of cousins thrown in. The in-laws live quite close to them and I face the reality of them being more close to my grandchild than me (I live a day's travel away).

You know, I think what you may be feeling is a sense of loss, perhaps on different levels. You lost your husband and your daughter lost her Dad. You had to be everything to and for her. There are so many layers in these experiences. I gave my daughter away at her wedding, and it was a beautiful experience seeing her so gorgeous looking forward to a wonderful life. She is so loved and so cherished. I made a speech about love, and felt the pang of what I thought I had not been able to give her. But I know I gave her all the love in the world, and that will be the same for you and your daughter.

I think it is such an honourable thing that you felt able to share your feelings here. Feelings are often on a spectrum. It is ok to reflect on what her 'other' family mean to her, and feel pangs of goodness-knows-what. For myself, it's been a process, but mostly I feel incredible gratitude she is immersed in a traditional family who will provide fantastic structure and relationships (even the Grans in their nineties are still going strong, so the wee one will have great-grandparents. My parents died when I was in my 30s).

Put simply, it's a different relationship your daughter has, but not comparable. It brings more beauty to her life and happiness, but never at the expense of your relationship and the love between you x

I know exactly how your feeling Chrisks. But tread very carefully, jealously can eat you up, it’s a horrible emotion to have and sometimes hard to control. It’s early days for you as others have said. So bide your time and see how it all works out. Your lovely daughter is just settling in to her new married life. There will be a place for you, just give them time.

You can't always help how you feel. Try to be pleased that your daughter has been welcomed so warmly by her husband's family.

Maybe they'll sometimes invite you to join in. I hope so.

yes i have that too. the outlaws have a new house by the sea. garden and 5 mins walk from the sea. d has arranged 2 4 days visits ,yet she cant go with me to the coast for one day. we are busy she says.!!, then she calls mother outlaw her new mum .and they call d daughter and grand daughter from great grandma .i actually hit the roof saying well that makes me their daughter. no way i said ,my d says its like stepping in to a new world when she is with them. grrrrrrr....but the green eyed monster is kept at bay. because now they moved i get to see my d and gc a lot more...

oh and i never get invited to family do's///

It's each individual's job to manage their own expectations and emotions.

It's not OP's daughter's job or her new in-laws jobs to include OP so her feelings aren't hurt.

It's OP's job to build her own relationship with her daughter and son-in-law.

A marriage and wedding is not the joining of two families. It's the creation of a new family - just the bride and groom. And that new family is an extension of their previous (and separate) families.

OP was not included in her daughter's new extended family's holiday. But, that does not mean OP was excluded. Exclusion implies OP should have been invited and purposely wasn't. That's not what happened. It wasn't an intentional action designed to be hurtful. It was a loving holiday with an extended family, a family that OP is not part of.

Shame on any posters who tried to add to the OP's stress by implying she was excluded and left out. How cruel to hurt her so.

OP, I'm so happy to hear that you will be spending some time with your daughter and new son in law. Please focus on them and building a relationship with that new family. Please don't mention your feelings regarding the other side- it will only cause everyone to be uncomfortable and won't work out like you hope.

Canonlytry,
There has been a change in dynamics by your daughter getting married, it is normal

It will take a while to find a new balance and routine.

On a different tack it’s strange that the English language doesn't have a words for your child’s in laws - they aren’t considered to have a relationship with you presumably. Italian has specific words for the parents of your child’s husband. / wife , so you can describe your relationship easily. Maybe illustrating the importance of family ties in that culture.

Ionia hear hear!
It is all enriching. You can't have too much love.

I almost cried with joy recently when I found my DD's, Mil (why is there no word for that relationship?) is knitting a sweater for my DD. She knits for our Dgc, which I'm not surprised by, but this is a true labour of love.
I hope DD appreciates it!

Is there any reason you can't invite them to do things with you? Do you go on holiday, could they join you? I am the mother of two sons who are now in their 20's and live away, neither of them is in a serious relationship. They do come home to see us but I have to make the effort to have something going on for it to be fun for them, maybe a concert or festival tickets, trying a new restaurant or a carefully planned pub walk.