Daughter.....newly married...in laws..

Is there any reason you can't invite them to do things with you? Do you go on holiday, could they join you? I am the mother of two sons who are now in their 20's and live away, neither of them is in a serious relationship. They do come home to see us but I have to make the effort to have something going on for it to be fun for them, maybe a concert or festival tickets, trying a new restaurant or a carefully planned pub walk.

Ionia hear hear!
It is all enriching. You can't have too much love.

I almost cried with joy recently when I found my DD's, Mil (why is there no word for that relationship?) is knitting a sweater for my DD. She knits for our Dgc, which I'm not surprised by, but this is a true labour of love.
I hope DD appreciates it!

On a different tack it’s strange that the English language doesn't have a words for your child’s in laws - they aren’t considered to have a relationship with you presumably. Italian has specific words for the parents of your child’s husband. / wife , so you can describe your relationship easily. Maybe illustrating the importance of family ties in that culture.

Canonlytry,
There has been a change in dynamics by your daughter getting married, it is normal

It will take a while to find a new balance and routine.

It's each individual's job to manage their own expectations and emotions.

It's not OP's daughter's job or her new in-laws jobs to include OP so her feelings aren't hurt.

It's OP's job to build her own relationship with her daughter and son-in-law.

A marriage and wedding is not the joining of two families. It's the creation of a new family - just the bride and groom. And that new family is an extension of their previous (and separate) families.

OP was not included in her daughter's new extended family's holiday. But, that does not mean OP was excluded. Exclusion implies OP should have been invited and purposely wasn't. That's not what happened. It wasn't an intentional action designed to be hurtful. It was a loving holiday with an extended family, a family that OP is not part of.

Shame on any posters who tried to add to the OP's stress by implying she was excluded and left out. How cruel to hurt her so.

OP, I'm so happy to hear that you will be spending some time with your daughter and new son in law. Please focus on them and building a relationship with that new family. Please don't mention your feelings regarding the other side- it will only cause everyone to be uncomfortable and won't work out like you hope.

oh and i never get invited to family do's///

yes i have that too. the outlaws have a new house by the sea. garden and 5 mins walk from the sea. d has arranged 2 4 days visits ,yet she cant go with me to the coast for one day. we are busy she says.!!, then she calls mother outlaw her new mum .and they call d daughter and grand daughter from great grandma .i actually hit the roof saying well that makes me their daughter. no way i said ,my d says its like stepping in to a new world when she is with them. grrrrrrr....but the green eyed monster is kept at bay. because now they moved i get to see my d and gc a lot more...

You can't always help how you feel. Try to be pleased that your daughter has been welcomed so warmly by her husband's family.

Maybe they'll sometimes invite you to join in. I hope so.

I know exactly how your feeling Chrisks. But tread very carefully, jealously can eat you up, it’s a horrible emotion to have and sometimes hard to control. It’s early days for you as others have said. So bide your time and see how it all works out. Your lovely daughter is just settling in to her new married life. There will be a place for you, just give them time.

Chrisks, my situation is fairly similar. I have a daughter who is my only child. I've brought her up exclusively by myself as a single parent since she was 10. Her Dad moved on and didn't have much contact, nor contributed to her upbringing financially. She is now 31, married two years ago and expecting a baby quite soon.

She is really close to her in-laws, and they love her a lot. They are a type of family that is very different to what she has been used to. Very traditional, lots of family get-together's and make time for family holidays / breaks where the (adult) children, spouses and grandchildren are included. Her family experience has been me, with a couple of cousins thrown in. The in-laws live quite close to them and I face the reality of them being more close to my grandchild than me (I live a day's travel away).

You know, I think what you may be feeling is a sense of loss, perhaps on different levels. You lost your husband and your daughter lost her Dad. You had to be everything to and for her. There are so many layers in these experiences. I gave my daughter away at her wedding, and it was a beautiful experience seeing her so gorgeous looking forward to a wonderful life. She is so loved and so cherished. I made a speech about love, and felt the pang of what I thought I had not been able to give her. But I know I gave her all the love in the world, and that will be the same for you and your daughter.

I think it is such an honourable thing that you felt able to share your feelings here. Feelings are often on a spectrum. It is ok to reflect on what her 'other' family mean to her, and feel pangs of goodness-knows-what. For myself, it's been a process, but mostly I feel incredible gratitude she is immersed in a traditional family who will provide fantastic structure and relationships (even the Grans in their nineties are still going strong, so the wee one will have great-grandparents. My parents died when I was in my 30s).

Put simply, it's a different relationship your daughter has, but not comparable. It brings more beauty to her life and happiness, but never at the expense of your relationship and the love between you x

I was exactly like joyfulnanna back in the day! I feel so sorry now that I didn't 'think' about my lovely DM and how it must have hurt her to hear what I was doing, where I was going etc with the family and M and FiL. I'm in the same position now, with two married AC (men) who spend loads of time with their family and respective in-laws. I agree, it's lovely to know they're happy but surely no one would fail to understand how sad it can make you feel to be (not jealous but) missing out on happy family times and memories - surely that's a natural reaction. Having said all that I haven't expressed this to them.

i would never think to invite an in law on holiday and I'm not heartless or insensitive at all.They are entitled to have their family break with THEIR family and that includes their sons wife now.I get on well with my AC's inlwas but am happy to see them at Christmas and special birthdays and not spend days or weeks with them .We are very different people.I dont understand why grans on here think thats how your daughter and her inlaws should behave towards you.

You should be pleased that they want her around and that she's happy in their company,isn't that what we all want for our children? Dont try to make her feel bad because you weren't invited ,be interested in her holiday and dont guilt trip her about it .

Controlling jealous feelings is very hard to do so I feel for you.
As for inviting you too? I suppose they could have but in some ways that puts pressure on your DD to have you and her in laws which sounds quite a lot to handle.

Our DD gets invited to in-laws a lot and taken on holiday. We don't have big holidays but we did invite our DD and her little family last year to share a holiday cottage and we will again. We loved it and think they did too. This year they were with the in-laws. We take it in turns. We love their son but we wouldn't want to share a holiday with his family.

Our other DC are independent. We don't share holidays with them though when the DGC are a bit older it would be nice to have them to stay

How lovely of your daughter and SIL to invite you. It can be hard sometimes when you are sat on your own whilst it feels like everyone else is having a good time. Perhaps when your daughter goes away with them next time, you can arrange to be doing things so it doesn't feel quite so lonely. I expect it was particularly noticeable after the excitement of the wedding so next time will probably be easier.
Hats off to you for raising a daughter with whom others love enough to spend their free time. A good relationship with her inlaws will make for a happier marriage which will be reflected in her relationship with you. A win, win situation I'd say.

Depending on the type of holiday, inviting more people along completely changes the tone. Especially if it’s an extended family holiday. Why on earth would you want to make more people uncomfortable and change the dynamic of their holiday

I’d never have suggested inviting my mum on holiday with the inlaws. Talk about being entitled. I would expect to find myself uninvited

chattykathy

Why on earth would her daughters in-laws invite her on their family holiday?
The daughter and the son got married, both families didn’t join together and become one.

My two sons, one married one with a partner, seem to be much more a part of their wife’s, girlfriend ‘s families than their own.
My d in law s parents are younger than us. My other sons partner comes from a big extended family so there are many gatherings.
My dh and I are older and boring and we don’t have a good relationship so there is always tension.
I don’t blame my boys for preferring their other families.

Chris is
I can see where you are coming from. These are all natural, kind human emotions that anyone with a good heart would feel. Don't be hard on yourself. She is just trying hard to settle. I can promise you she will come back to you.
Take care. Dawn

Aren’t families so different?
I’ve just been to the family party- we have one every year.
We invite in laws too, well the mums, dads and siblings. My mum had 4 of us and has 11 grandchildren, so far only 4 of the grandchildren are married so it’s not too unwieldy at the moment.

My daughter married into a bigger family than on my side-virtually no-one apart from her and two GDs 300miles away. She gets on really well with her two Sisters in Law and her SIL’s parents. I am pleased for her as she lost her only sister over 9 years ago. They were all at a family wedding together two weeks ago. Yes, I am on my own since losing my DH in 2008 and long to be part of a large family, I have some good friends ,but do miss out on family things.

I agree it would have been nice if they could have included Chrisks - but maybe they will in the future, but perhaps it's up to her dd to set the tone

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Chrisks I'm so proud of you - you brought up a lovely, giving, sociable daughter in diffucult circumstances, who is building excellent relations with the new bit of her extended family.
Maybe get in first and invite the couple and in-laws for Boxing Day lunch?

I think it is understandable but it looks as if they aren't totally excluding you and is just something you have to try to distract yourself from and not mention to any of them.
Hopefully it will all work out.

"Can I jump aboard?" - please don't say that!!!! What a difficult position you would put them in!