Setting guidelines for living with my adult daughter and grandson

We all have our own standards when it comes to living conditions I like a house to be “lived in” which means basically clean and tidy. Anyone living with me or sharing, lives by that standard, so anyone obsessively clean or untidy will very quickly get “told”.

If I had a daughter with a child living in a separate area, what she does in her space is her affair, but stray into my space she does it my way. Most important to me is ensuring she is as happy and safe as she can be, so I would do nothing that might upset the relationship.

Knickas

I’m a bit with you, if we go somewhere and she asks whose car, I always say mine, because I don’t want to get typhoid, she’s a real messy girl, we all go on at her, but it’s water off a ducks back.

taketo coomed take the cooked ??

Sinika
Does your daughter cook in your kitchen and taketo coomed meal downstairs to eat?
Is the laundry on the dryer dirty washing, washed and dried but not ironed, damp as it hasn't been dried?
What is 'crawl space'?
I gather you're in the US/Canada.
I hope you sort her out and make her aware of her luck in being able to stay with you and have you to look after her child.
It's your home, your rules and she must respect it.

Sinika - it sounds to me as though you baled your daughter out two years ago - you remodelled your house, presumably at some financial cost to yourselves, to provide a private place for her and your grandson. She works three 12 hour shifts but you don't mention whether she pays you any rent for this. Frankly, if she doesn't, then you are colluding with her sloppiness because you've spent money on providing her with her own flat and are still supporting her. This is sending her a message that she can basically do as she wants in 'your' home. If she does pay rent then there's a strong argument that whatever she gets up to in her apartment is her affair. However, dirty laundry all over the floor, dirty plates and left-over food are signals to cockroaches and mice of a welcome environment and as the flat is a basement flat there's an even greater chance of this happening. At the same time, your two year old grandson, while being very nicely mothered by your daughter, is growing up in a sloppy home and this will transfer to his way of thinking. I don't think there's anything wrong with speaking to your daughter about general cleanliness and tidiness and your worry about vermin which will spread throughout the house, and likewise I don't think there's anything wrong with speaking to your husband and telling him that if he is so worried your daughter will leave, then he should use his own pocket money (if he has any) to suggest paying for a cleaner for her for three hours a week.

Coolgran65
Thanks for the clarification

Here's my twopenn'orth. Three twelve hour shifts could be more onerous than it sounds, depending on whether it's night shifts or very stressy work. Also being a single mum is a hard job in itself.
If she's untidying your space, then put your foot down. If it's her living area, well, if someone came into my workroom (which is a right old tollypossle) and tidied it up, I'd be pretty hacked off as despite it looking disorganised, I know exactly where everything is.
Was your daughter an untidy child? If she was previously neat but now isn't, that might indicate that she's permanently knackered.

My reaction would be that her space is her problem, but shared spaces are different and consideration should be given to the other people who have to use them. Perhaps a joint tidying up effort periodically in those parts of the house?

I agree with others. If the mess is in her space leave it. Presumably it's her home and up to her how she lives. What you term mess might be homely to her. We all have different standards of what we feel. Comfirtable with. Or maybe she would rather spend her spare time playing with her child than tidying up.
If the mess encroaches on your space then you should mention it to her. She shouldn't be messing up your home and making you feel uncomfortable.

My daughter and grandson lived with me too. She simply wasn't quite well for the first few years after she had him and was having cognitive therapy. She split up with the father. She just wasn't able to clear up, do laundry etc. so I did it. I resented it at the time.

She got her own place when he was two (although often he was here) and by then she managed much better.

Nowadays, she has a new partner, two more kids, she works, is happy and manages just fine!

If she is making your living area untidy then yes that’s different you should say something, you obviously have different ideas of how you should tidy up, as long as her child was well looked after clean etc I think I would leave it, I wouldn’t go tidying up her things, I wouldn’t interfere it’s her life

Doodle..... working 36 hours out of a 168 hour week is not an astronomical task! I worked 45 hours a week with two kids... ...one of which was in and out of hospital 34 times in the course of 12 years.... a shift working husband of the old fashioned sort, who thought the housework was ‘my territory’.... and still managed to keep a clean , reasonably tidy house and garden!, .... with no washing machine until the youngest was 3.... so that included mounds of terry nappies!! So she works three days , what the hell is she doing the other four days! I tell you what she’s doing... she’s relying on mummy and daddy to pick up the flack! Please Sinika ... take my advice and sit down with this daughter explain to her the facts of life... her child is hers to look after, keep clean, entertained and in an environment where he can thrive. Grandparents are there as back-up and shouldn’t be ‘used’ in this manner. Be firm with her.... you’ll all benefit in the end... especially your own daughter.

If she pays rent then the accommodation she has can be treated within reason eg no health hazards, damage to the property, as she wishes. If she is freeloading then you need to speak with her about the mess. Perhaps suggest helping with a massive clean up but define who is to do what or you may end up doing it all. Also set a timescale. If she isn't cooperative just give her the local rental newsoaoer and tell her you will start charging for babysitting. Having 4 days from work she must surely have time to clean up behind her. Think she needs a bit of a wakeup call.

If you are constantly cleaning up after her, why does she have to bother doing it herself ?
Why are you going into her personal areas of the house? Is she not entitled to privacy?
You can very well insist that she keep the shared areas of the house clean and tidy and you could always set up a rota for it, but otherwise leave her to her own devices - she is an adult, not a child!

I am with those who say that unless it DIRECTLY effects you then leave well alone! It is different of course if she is using your living areas, but as I understand it she is living in self contained accommodation in your basement.She is an adult and not your responsibility so don’t make an issue of it.

What's in her space stays in her space..as long as it doesn't migrate into your space it's up to her.
She's an adult & mother...you shouldn't be tidying up after her either

I would be honest with my daughter - but is a slightly jokey way. The conversation would be: 'Baby. This place is a shit tip. Do you want some help?' then - she would either get on an do it herself, or accept my help. If she accepted my help we would come up with a plan to try and keep it up. My eldest daughters house permanently looks like a bomb has gone off! She is an excellent mum, but would rather be on the floor playing Lego with her 3 boys then doing housework. Can't say I blame her! Once in a while I will help her have a blitz. She gets a bit overwhelmed by it all. Perhaps you daughter does as well.

I think it’s very hard, if you’re tidy by nature, to live with someone who isn’t. I don’t recall my daughter ever being so untidy before she left home, I live in hope that she’ll change, but I’m not holding my breath!

3 12 hour shifts hard, that’s rubbish, all my life I’ve worked 12 hour days and more, that’s what you do when you run your own business. I will concede that night shifts are hard and I could never do that.

She is a slob, in your words, as long as she is otherwise OK do some tidying put a load of washing in on the days you look after the child. Otherwise leave her to it, it’s her space let her slum in it.

I do really wish I could have done only 3 shifts a week!.

I had a friend who complained bitterly that her daughter was untidy.
She was constantly going upstairs to her daughter's part of the house and washing up, folding laundry etc.

Daughter owned the house and had made a 'granny flat' for Mum downstairs.

Then I met the daughter and she complained bitterly about her mother's interference and assumption that she could just go up into her home and do domestic work, leaving little notes to point out where daughter was at fault.

That situation ended in a horrible blazing row which resulted in mother moving out into her own place, losing contact with her two grand-daughters.

If it's her space and not shared by you, then either leave it, or, if it really bothers you, and you have your daughters blessing, tidy it up.
Different people live differently. And, although you're her mum, and she's living in your basement, she is an adult and it really is none of your business how she chooses to keep her home. L
et it go!

One of my daughters lived with us for a year with her then toddler, she is a slob, and I found myself doing ironing which had been hanging around for weeks, now , living in her own home she’s worse!

Her present relationship is shaky, I’ve always said if she ever came back, there would be some conditions, couldn’t live like that again

Are you worried about vermin? I would find a cleaner with no emotional attachments. Surely you've done your fair share of clearing up after children!
Your current arrangements sound untenable.

If the mess is in “her” basement then ignore.
If she is leaving mess in shared areas then you need to ask her to clear up after herself.
I understand that as a tidy person, it distresses you, but as long as her son is clean, fed and happy, the rest is her choice.
Avoid going in if it bothers you. Don’t clear up for her.
My adult daughter is messy (at 28 she shows signs of reforming!). However she looks great, is great, and she is galloping up the career ladder at a rate of knots in a very competitive field. I let it go. I’m no longer the boss of her.
She doesn’t live with me, admittedly.

Perhaps you need to discuss things - maybe your standards are different from hers and neither is wrong but you need a bit of give and take. 3 x 12 hour shifts are very hard going so someone doing these may not be able to do much more on the work days but you could help her organise washing and cleaning on her days off. As long as things are clean and baby is catered for then other things you might consider important may not be. Minimoon if you worked for 12 hours there is no way you could walk the dog, make meals for husband and 2 children, do laundry, wash up etc on the days you were working 12 hours because you would not be in the house but at work so on those days someone else would have had to do these things. Maybe you organised these things but not quite the same.

And she has to 'go through it' ....... as in.....Sort it out