Stepdaughter problem regarding holiday in France

Summerlove

Great points from PetitFromage

Beautifully articulated

Great points from PetitFromage

if your husbands birthday is in January then its a few months before yours.What harm is there in letting her have time with her dad? Like most on here I've lost my dad but I did spend time with him without mum.We went to folk clubs together and that wasn't her "thing" and when I needed someone to talk to about a problem he was my go to person.Dads and daughters have a special bond,wish I could spend a day with mine now

I don't know the full background, but there appears to be a lot of history and emotional baggage here. If SD is in business with her DM, then I suspect that is where her loyalties lie, especially if she sees you as having been responsible in some way for her DP's marriage break-up.

I agree that AC should not control their DP's lives, but nor should someone be trying to control their spouse either. SD didn't make any plans without speaking to you. She simply floated the idea of taking her Dad away for a few days to celebrate a landmark birthday, not even on the actual day but 'in the Spring'. She clearly wants to try to rebuild the relationship and there is no suggestion that her DF would not be delighted. Sadly, the poor man has not even been consulted and, as a previous poster has said, you may have caused further damage to what was already a fragile relationship.

Our DC do not cease to be our DC because they grow up and it is perfectly normal for an adult parent and child to want to spend some one on one time together. This does not mean that your DH loves you any less but, if you go on the trip too, it will completely change the dynamic. Surely you can be apart for a few days and you will have lots to talk about when he gets back - except it doesn't look like he will be going now.

You SD came up with a lovely idea which had the potential to make your DH very happy but, instead of encouraging her, you have poured cold water over it. You don't want her to go away 'in the Spring' because your birthday is in April, although there is no suggestion that your DH would be away on the actual day. You don't want DH to go because you were planning a joint celebration (why can't he do both?). You don't want them to go to Carcassonne because that is somewhere you want to go. The bottom line is that you don't want them go at all and I think that's a shame.

Agree with so many. Lemongrass you have it in a nutshell. AC do not decide what parents and step parents do. As they don’t control what AC do. Of course as a couple you would want to celebrate together and to not include SM was extremely rude and inconsiderate. Arrange something together and enjoy your special birthdays.

It doesn't seem at all reasonable to me for an AC to plan a surprise holiday abroad with a married parent for their 70th birthday. This is especially true if the AC normally has little contact with the parent.
Would either of them even enjoy the holiday?
Many people don't like surprises.
This is a major event, not just lunch in a nice restaurant.
Would he feel obliged to pay for most meals etc when they were away and is he in a position to do so?
It is coercing him into doing something he may not want to do and is not appropriate in my opinion.
If a parent is single AND an AC is sure they would enjoy a surprise holiday that might be different.
A lunch or ,at most, a weekend in the UK would make sense.
This doesn't mean the daughter was proposing this for selfish/malicious/ scheming reasons however.
The daughter clearly has some issues with her dad and/or stepmum and that is such a shame.
I would not go back to her to say the holiday would be ok unless you have actually asked her dad if it's something he would enjoy. Maybe suggest she considers something simpler like a meal or one/two nights in a posh hotel.
I don't think you've done anything wrong and it sounds as though you've tried to encourage her to spend time with her dad.
Good luck.

I agree with frizzywizzy

Hmm... I think the key here is that the SD is ‘running a successful business’ with her Mum, DH’s ex. I wonder who is pulling a few strings here/stirring the pot? I’m not sure it’s just SD who might have a few issues from the past...

Coming to the end of one's years at 70? I sincerely think (well, know actually) not. Does it occur to the daughter that her father may already have plans or even that little things like his passport/insurance might not be in order? One trip to Carcassone is never enough in my opinion. There is undoubtedly a pecking order in the grand scheme of things but that has to be earned rather than assumed. In this case I believe his dreams should be realised whether he declares them or not. Hopefully it has come up in the conversation of 'anything you would particularly like to do/happen? Try letting it all be about him and he may surprise you both. I certainly hope so.

It seems weird for the stepdaughter to want to take her father away without some sort of discussion with his wife!! For all she knew fuseta might have organised something! And how does he feel about it?

I would be upset. You are a married couple...a unit. Personally, if I was the SD, I would have spoken with you first, to check you weren’t planning anything. It’s not a regular birthday, but a special one, and for both of you as well. It’s up to you if you’re happy to conform, and now go with your friends, leaving your husband free to go with his daughter, but I would say that’s generous of you above and beyond. You shouldn’t have to bend over backwards to please an adult child. Once grown, they are no longer in the equation, when it comes to matters concerning parents/ step parents.

I can't see what fuseta has done to apologise for either Chewbacca.

I agree with lemongrove about not sending a letter. I'd 'phone her fuseta and ask if the holiday with her father is going ahead, as you need to know before making other plans.

IMO she should have discussed it with you first. That's not asking for permission, just good manners IMO.

Your stepdaughter should have discussed it with you. She’s the unreasonable one and you’ve done nothing wrong.

What some step-children will do! My Aunt, within a short time after marrying for a second time in her 70s, became disabled and her kind caring second husband took care of her. Eventually, he became ill and could no longer care for himself or her and finally went into a residential care home. This man had four children from his first marriage, whom he brought up alone after their mother left when they were very young. And whom he saw and heard little of during the years following his second marriage. Imagine our astonishment when hearing from my Aunt, his children had unexpectedly arrived one day claiming the right to collect items from the family home taken with him on his second marriage. My Aunt unable to cope with any upset, allowed them to do so including pictures from the wall.

Lemongrove: the voice of reason and good sense, as usual.

You know what they say Fuseta....never put it in writing!
A phone call would be better and less formal.

Yes, I think that writing a letter may be the answer as we can't resolve anything unless there is some communication. If she doesn't reply I will just have to wait and see what happens as DH's birthday approaches. For all I know, she may be going ahead with it and just not telling me!

Personally I don't think that fuseta has done anything to apologise for. She's already explained that she's tried, many times, to help forge the father /daughter relationship and been rebuffed.
Agree with Icanhandthemback, this situation is more about the daughter's insecurities than anything fuseta has done.

fuseta I really wouldn't take it personally or draw comparisons between you. She just wants to take her Dad somewhere just the two of them. Whether people prefer to be asked or not is purely personal by the looks of things.

It was a good intention and could possibly be a good bonding experience which helps the other communication issues you are aware of.

In your position, I would send a short letter to say sorry. That you were caught off guard and it's just not how you are used to doing things butthatsnot her fault and you know it would be special for them and are fully supportive. That it is not your intention to stand between them and their important relationship.

That's only how I would handle it, not telling you what to do at all

but I really do not think she should have to ask permission

Nothing that gge OP has said suggests that she wanted her permission asked, that was suggested by a different poster.

Fuseta glad that some replies have helped your thinking. Are you any nearer to deciding a way forward?

I don't think you have done anything wrong but I really think it sounds like you are dealing with someone who is damaged so it is too easy to upset them. My daughter is very similar in emotions about her relationships within the family and I have found that after apologising profusely for upsetting her, any attempt to put the situation right just makes it worse

Wise words, icanhandthemback

Thank you for all your comments. It has made me feel much better being able to talk about it and I agree with a lot of the points made. Just to make the picture a bit clearer, the SD is 46 and has a husband and 3 boys of her own. She runs a successful business with her Mother (DH's Ex). When I think of SD and her family, I think of the Beckhams! Over the years I have tried so many times to encourage them to meet up without me, but she either doesn't reply or is too busy with other arrangements. I do think that she fancies some time away with her Dad, but I also think that she fancies a little break away from her own family. I also have 2 grown up children, who are not is such a fortunate position as SD, but they did say that if they were going to take me away (which they are not!) they would have asked DH how he felt about it first. She only lives 3 miles from us but I feel that I may face a hostile response if I were just to turn up at the house.

This gesture out of the blue is rather suspicious I must say. I can only imagine that the stepdaughter chose the suggested timing of the holiday deliberately knowing it was also stepmum’s 70th at that time. She also knew what the reaction would be and she got what she wanted. Her lack of response since then proves this, sadly.

So sad.

When I had a stepfather and a mother, I would never have even thought about taking my mother away for her birthday without taking my stepfather as well - they were a couple. It's like a slap in the face for the other person if you don't take both.
Sorry that this has happened to you - to me it sounds like your stepdaughter is making a divide between all of you and she shouldn't be whether you all get on it not. You and your husband are the important people here. Good Luck.

The step daughter def needs to ask before arranging anythijg, especially as she dosn't contact her dad often. How's she to know if he had other plans already, or indeed an illness that prevents him travelling or getting travel insurance! I agree with Frizzywizzy, text her and tell her how much he'll love it etc... There's alwys the possibility though that you were set up and she was just saying that and then looking for an opportunity to back out and blame you, but really I wouldn't work on that basis. Hope you can get things back on track but really if you can't don't go blaming yourselff as it is quite a lot to take on suddenly and you weren't given time to think it through. X