Patsy70 and 3dognight, thank you xx
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Another failed marriage
(80 Posts)I am really struggling at the moment and hope you can help me see the wood from the trees. I am mid 50's, have 3 living adult children and sadly lost my second child at birth. The children were all to my first husband who I met at school and was with for nearly 20 years until we divorced, having never recovered from the death of our daughter. He was a good husband and father but we just grew apart following the tragedy. I had a few other relationships, whilst raising my children who are now successful adults who I am so proud of. What I am not proud of is myself. I met my 2nd husband nearly 9 years ago and everything was good at the start. Alarm bells did ring a bit when he admitted he had been married twice before and his adult children to his first wife, refused to speak to him or see him. He blamed his first wife from brainwashing the kids. However having lived and been married to him for 6 years now, I believe there is a lot more to this than he is ever going to admit.. I am a strong woman who has not only lost a child but my first divorce ended up being very stressful, my mother died of cancer, my beloved father developed dementia and at the end, literally starved himself to death (he was in a care home but just refused laterally to eat), I developed breast cancer after he died (caught early so I am fine), daughter developed anorexia due to pressure of med school, etc etc. Meanwhile husband no 2 has shown his true colours as somewhat of a bully, treats me like a modern day slave, and is very controlling money wise and in other ways. His late father was the same. Having been independent for many years whilst raising my children as a single mum, I have found all of this unbearable. Had he been a loving, caring man to me, I could coped. However he has shown very little concern or caring for me during the above, even walking out after I came out of hospital post breast operation, as I criticised something minor he had done. He has always been a good sulker and always thinks he is right and knows everything. He is also very lazy.... a week before we got married, he took early retirement at age 58, and has done nothing since. I own the house we are in outright but he pays the bills, food etc from his pension. He moans all the time about money, penny pinches and when arguments occur (which are more and more ) he continually throws in my face that "his money is keeping me", though he seems to forget it is my roof over his head. I am cash poor and totally rely on our joint account which he watches like a hawk and I have to justify even food bills. However all this paled into insignificance when during a heated argument, I wanted out of a doorway which he was blocking, I tried to push him out of the way to let me past and before I knew it, he grabbed me, totally lost his temper, had me in a headlock and then threw me across the room. I very nearly went head first into a glass door but my head struck the wooden fascia instead. I lay there completely dazed and frozen in shock and pain. Meanwhile husband is now sitting on the sofa watching tv. I got up. Took myself off to the spare room. He never apologised, never came to see I was ok and since then, when I bring it up, he says he reacted like that as I pushed him!!! I have never experienced anything like this and I just cannot get over it. Since then, there has been a lesser force used against me but again another troubling experience. He seems to be completely unable to accept responsibility for any of his actions, either minor or serious and I just cannot live like this. I have confided in one close friend but though my children know I am unhappy, they have no idea 're the abuse above. I am ashamed and embarrassed. My mental health has really suffered and I have struggled. I now feel that I do not want this marriage anymore but fear for the future. I know I will have a fight on my hands 're the house which is totally in my name but he will have a right to some of the assets from a sale of it, though presumably the same applies to his pension, investments he has etc. I just feel ultimately a failure that I chose this man and ashamed that my kids are going to have to witness another marriage of their mother's going down the pan!! What sort of example am I to them when it comes to relationships? Should I just plod on or should I bite the bullet and divorce?? The one thing which I have done since the start of the year is I have moved into the spare bedroom and have no intention of moving back. He seems to have accepted this, though it was a struggle. I am not advocating by the way that I am faultless but advice please would be appreciated
You WILL get there 
Whenever I’ve been in a difficult situation in my life I always say to myself ‘six months from now I will be on the right track’ - then work towards it in baby steps.
You can and will with the help of your lovely children transform your life.
So pleased to hear this, Susysue, and wishing you all the very best for a bright future. ♥️
Mattsmum2, oh my dear lady, you have been to hell and back and I am so glad that your life is so much better, free of that man. I am so grateful to you and Jane43, flakesdayout and all the other lovely ladies who have sent me messages. I am so grateful, humbled and so very touched. In this world which sometimes feels so uncaring, you have brought me hope for the future. I have spent a wonderful few days with my daughter and finally shared the whole sorry tale with her. She was shocked, upset but also very supportive. She will tell her brothers. I have asked though that they all keep calm and quiet just now unless he is abusive again as I am now getting all my ducks in order!! I feel stronger from my break away. I am also going to stay with DS and DIL at beginning of June. I will discuss further with them. I feel alot clearer in my thoughts and what I want to do... to divorce him and move closer to my AC again and close friends. I can't wait for freedom and to make my own choices again, without fear. I am so sad to hear of your own struggles or your friends struggles in a similar situation but I am so so grateful to you all. I know I have a long road ahead but by God I will get there. I also contacted his daughter and found out that her mother had suffered with him too. So sad. Much love xx
Hi Susysue. One of my best friends had a very abusive Husband who was coercive and downright unpleasant. One day, saying she was going to work, she walked into a police station and reported what was happening. They took her seriously and sent an officer round to take a statement. This man turned out to be known to them for violence and they told her that she was to call them if anything happened. Her number was put on a preferred calling list. Please talk to the Police. In some cases of DV a solicitor will be able to make a claim for Legal Aid and will serve a non molestation order on him. He will not be allowed near you. Use this time with your daughter to make plans, Check your benefit entitlement, When you see your Solicitor, take notes as you will get a lot of information and may not take it all in. Obviously keep your passwords on emails strong. This is not going to be very pleasant but know that you are strong. There is a lot of support on here and some very kind people. Take care and good luck.
I hope you are doing OK, you are such a brave woman. Stay strong and get all the help you can to deal with your horrible situation. There will only be one loser in this and it’s not you. My heart goes out to you and all the other GransNetters who have been through similar experiences.
You’re so brave to be sharing your difficulties with the forum. I too was stuck in a marriage where I owned the house, different from you he was constantly online meeting other women, the final straw was when I found out he was also seeing men. When I said he was to leave he made my life hell, turfing me out of the marital room, throwing all my things into the spare room, having a picture up in the room of his new women, she also called him on the landline daily. He faked suicide, stole my passport and wedding certificate, slashed my tyres and threatened to take a hammer to my car. I called the police when he stole my things and they took him in for questioning and told him to stay away for a few nights. He came back and eventually he hit me with a broom and I called the police again, he was given a non molestation order and had to stay away for a month. He eventually left and we divorced. He took £100k of my pension as the judge said he needed a place to live, even though I had a mortgage to pay. I know you must feel overwhelmed at the moment but believe me you will feel so much better if you get him away from you. What he did is assault, you can call domestic violence helplines and you must call in the police. I hope that he then takes this seriously and gives you the peace you need. Do you have a good friend you can get support and help from? I know you say your children have their own lives but please speak to them, they will feel so bad if they don’t know you need them to get through this difficult time. Take care, be brave and stay strong xx
I am afraid I have not read it all. I do not need to. I don't understand a situation where you have no income though. Get up one morning, having carefully packed a few basics into a very simple big shoulder bag. Tell him you are going shopping. Take yourself to the nearest Police Station. Just tell them you are being physically, mentally and emotionally abused. They will help you if you just say you cannot return as you fear for your life. Everything else can then be taken a step at a time. They may well introduce staff from a Womens Refuge. Your family will be glad you have removed self. That is the healthy thing to do.
Please tell your daughter.
Well done for changing passwords on laptop, take it with you or hide it
Change it on your phone also as he may see any messages
Enjoy a well rested week at dd next week
Do you think you could take to her about what’s going on now? I’m sure she’d help you she’d hate for you to be going through all this on your own.
Thank you patsy70. I am so looking forward to it. Hope you are well xx
Relieved to hear that you’ll be staying with your daughter this week Susysue. Hopefully, time away from this awful man, together with the medication and spending time with your daughter will give you some respite. ♥️
Thank you lovelies. You are a very special bunch. ❤ I am going to stay with my daughter this week for some respite. I have gathered some more valuable information which will help in the long run. Re why I can't sell the house just now, it's complicated and not something I can discuss at the moment but at the first opportunity, that is what I plan to do. He is fizzing at the moment because he found out I had changed passwords on my laptops. He didn't think I would know how to do this but I figured it out (intelligent but just not very tech savvy normally). Talked to my gp also and she is changing my medication to help with the insomnia and panic attacks but I know in the long term, I need him out of my life and to start afresh. I don't think I will ever want another relationship again. Fingers well and truly burned. Much love to you all ❤
my heart goes out to you completely, please leave him its unacceptable behaviour on his part and I would encourage you to inform the police, of course much easier said than done. If you feel able to tell your children/close friends and make sure you've got a support network. much love - Janet
I really wouldn’t go to women’s aid to get put up in a hostel, you’d probably feel unsafe in one of those among all sorts. Especially if you have a lovely home that was once your safe haven.
Why can you sell the house for x amount of time? Are you tied into something?
Go for a walk, take your mobile and Google solicitor near you, can you go out without him going with you or asking where etc
You need to see or talk to a solicitor for a free 30 min chat to
1. Get him out of the house, physical violence you are scared of his outburst
2. Write down all the assets you have between you
House
Pension
Savings
Joint account
3. What can you do in the in the meantime regarding him in the house
Also change your code on your phone to something he will not guess,
Just read all the messages in more detail. No way should your husband be recording your conversations - this is yet another example of his abuse and you should log it. My ex did this to me on one occasion. Totally unacceptable.
Coercive control was made illegal in December 2015. It is difficult to prove so I suggest you log all incidents of his abuse against you, including physical violence, name calling, belittling you in any way, financial abuse, emotional abuse, anything. He has no right to access your emails or anything else that is personal to you. Many of us here have experienced similar and know that leopards don’t change their spots. Please leave this situation. You, your children and dogs don’t have to put up with this. Please let us know how you get on.
Patsy70, thank you xx
Yes, I did see your most recent post, Susysue. Your situation is dreadful. Please don’t hesitate to speak to your GP and also tell your children everything. Does your friend live nearby? Hopefully, your close friend is fully supportive? Madgran has identified all that you should do, so please follow this sound advice and let us know how things progress. We’re here for you. ♥️
Eloethan and madgran, thank you for taking the time to write, it means so much and I take your advice fully on board and will action xx
Susysue I'm so sorry to hear what a horrible time you are having.
Your husband sounds awful.
I am not absolutely sure but I believe, as you have not been married that long, the house is in your name and it appears that your husband did not contribute to the purchase of it, he will have no claim on it. But I think you need to consult a solicitor to clarify the position and get proper legal advice as to where you go from here.
Apart from the fact that this man is a selfish bully, he has now physically assaulted you. This sort of behaviour can escalate and I think you need to end the marriage as soon as possible.
You should not be embarrassed but proud that you have raised a family, who appear to be happy and successful, on your own and despite many difficult circumstances. I think you have done a great job and deserve better.
suzy
1. Ring a domestic abuse charity urgently and tell them what is happening to you. Tell them you are suicidal Ring national domestic abuse helpline 0808 2000 247 www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
2. Ask them to help you get out fast. Pack a case and be ready. Explain about the dogs, Ask their advice
3. Ask them to help you contact the police, they can contact police to request assistance for you leaving
4. Ask them to help you re a solicitor
5. Ask for help to get to your daughters or ask them to find you a temporary hostel place until you can get to your daughter
6. Talk to solicitor about your rights with your house so that you are clear where you stand. You will have rights but I don't know what they are as I don't have legal experience of this ...but please dont stay there, get yourself out asap
Hi muffinthemoo, thank you for your message and hope things are on the up for you.. I think as a mum who has always fought for her kids corners whether it was against their own father, a rubbish school teacher, bullying etc I find it still very hard to ask for their help as it should always be the other way round but they have given me their support.... albeit I still haven't shared all the sad details with them. Xx
This
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse/
Years ago a neighbours husband was removed from property for domestic violence. The police do have powers to remove
Susy, if you were my mum I would have nothing but admiration for you for offloading this s-bag of a stepfather.
Please, don’t worry about what your children think. They really only do want you to be safe and happy.
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