Have you ever taken a break from your marriage and gone back.

What is the purpose of a break for you?

Having a break is not going to change anything, talk to each other about what you would like each other to change or separate for good.

It seems unfair to him for you to go off for a while to make up your mind, you know deep down if you want to try to fix things or you want a life without him.

Have a talk to him tell him how you feel at least give him a chance to think about the marriage too. You never know he might even surprise you with his response if he takes it seriously enough.

Purpose of break, would be to be selfish and to put myself first for once.

NannieN
You can put yourself first now, right now.
You do not need a break for that

Walking away from problems don’t solve them. If you want to remain married to your OH, you need to explain clearly, calmly and without anger, why you are considering leaving. Allow him the opportunity to address your concerns, either by changing his behaviour or by explaining to you why he is not satisfied. Then decide whether the marriage is worth saving or not, and if not, set things in motion to end it.

NannieN when you say that you want a break from your marriage, what do you have in mind? An extended holiday abroad for a few weeks, so that you can sit back and take a long view of the situation? Or are you thinking more of a few months in a place of your own to see how you manage alone? If it's a longish holiday; book it, go and enjoy it; that might be all you need to recharge your batteries and give you some breathing space to think. If your thinking of setting up alone for a few months, just be aware that peace and freedom, once tasted, is almost impossible to give up and I know no one who's made the journey back. So have a think as to what you're hoping to achieve by having a break and how you're going to do it. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I left my husband after nearly 10 years of marriage. We loved each other but seemed to have run into a sand-drag where we were both under constant intolerable stress and couldn't have a conversation without screaming at each other.
I thought, and was saddened by the notion that the separation was the first step toward eventual divorce. Perhaps that thought concentrated both our minds because, nearly 2 years on, we had talked and talked and sought counselling for our difficulties and we agreed to try again. It took love and patience on both sides but we had by then worked out what was most important to both of us. In short, we had both proved to ourselves that we could live without the other but neither of us wanted to.
It wasn't always plain sailing; we often had furious rows but we always worked through them and were together for the 35 years until his death in 2020. In some ways, that separation was the best thing that ever happened to our marriage but I appreciate it might not work for everyone.
Good luck, OP.

I know someone who separated for 5 years. Yes! 5 whole years. Kids were flown the nest prior to that separation.

During those 5 years they very civilly (after a period of rest & respite) remained in contact, lunched together occasionally (like old “friends” do) & generally began to get on much better apart than when together. They didn’t divorce.

He got sick (with heart issues) so they mutually decided that because all the upset between them seemed to have dissipated, she moved back in with him. He was more than happy with the arrangement. (Of course he was.)

She sold her home & set out to live together again in what she hoped to be matrimonial harmony.

Sadly, it didn’t work out! Of course it didn’t! Leopards don’t change their spots.

He made a good recovery & gave her a year of hell! Just like he had before the “together again” facade dropped.

She bought another house as soon as she could & moved out again.

She eventually did divorce him & has never looked back.

But if he changes because you say you’re thinking of leaving, that means his previous behaviour was a choice and that he chose to be snap and snarl, and leave all the drudge work/mental load to you. He won’t change long term - he might manage it for a month or two but not much longer. Do you actually like your husband? Is there a lot to like? Have you tried making a list of pros and cons of your relationship? A book that might help you decide is ‘Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay’ by Mira Kirshenbaum - it explains how certain behaviours show how your partner really regards you and the relationship.

Yes, but wish I hadn't.

I left for a few months when our DD was 1. I wasn't working at that point so had to go to my mums. Which was worse than being with husband. So I went back.

It was a horrific marriage.

GagaJo

I think if you want a break from your marriage you most probably wont want to go back if he is such an irritable snappy pain

I left my DH in 2007 over huge differences of opinion and mental ill health on both sides. Three years later in 2010 we put the past behind us and have been happy and content ever since. Obviously we have some disagreements but we resolve them.

We only discussed the difficulties for a while but both saw the part we played in the separation. We both had learned a lot about ourselves.

These days we are honest with each other about what we need. We raise any issues and usually manage to discuss them without cross words. It’s taken us both effort to arrive at a better relationship, with lots of listening and understanding.

I’m rally just saying it takes both parties to want and work for change.

I left my DH after 23 years ( I don't want to go into the reasons why on here) and lived for 3 years in my own small home with the help of a mortgage. This was in 1982 and it was one of the most difficult things financially and emotionally. At the time I didn't view it as a break but as a measure to survive.

We got back together and like others on here it was tough but we managed to thrash out our differences. I wouldn't recommend it especially in the current financial times.

Now we are in our eighties we really appreciate each other although I am now DH's carer and he is slowly sinking into vascular dementia.

Thank you, all for your comments and suggestions. Husband is not horrible person, he can at times be generous and has a good sense of humour and I think that is why I'm struggling to just leave. I had a bit of an epiphany during covid and realised he is always going to be the person he is. I would be wrong to want to change him but I know I don't want to go on being the person who does all the work and trying.to avoid him when he is in a bad mood
You are right that I need to talk to him and maybe surprised by his reaction.
I have ordered the book which has been suggested in this thread and hope that may help to focus my mind on a plan of action

I have travelled solo several times when husband decided not to and have met other women doing the same.
Here is an example.
Anna 50 holidays twice a year with a friend, her husband is a dentist and is only interested in golf, not unusual. I asked her why she stays,” because he is a good provider, we have a good social life and I’m getting a new kitchen when I get home”.

I suggest you take a holiday, maybe 3 weeks on your own rather than a trial separation then see how you feel after.