Son-in-law's behaviour in my home

I agree with Nelliemoser. It sounds like either an anxiety disorder of some kind or some sort of spectrum condition. You will probably make it worse if you don't go along with it.

It might be worth doing a bit of research online as to what causes his behaviours (with the usual scepticism about online information) as you may find some advice as to how to deal with it. Most people don't micromanage to this extent so I feel that you will probably need to give him the benefit of the doubt and think about how difficult it must be for him to be that anxious all the time.

Being an "Aspie" myself,I agree with *Nelliemoser" about your son in law probably having a mental health issue that causes his behaviour.Does your daughter happily live with his routines and idiosyncrasies?Has she ever complained about them or said that she finds it difficult to cope with?She has probably just got used to his ways and accepts them.I would definitely ask her about this if I were you.
His behaviour is probably part of his character make-up and although I understand your irritation,I don't think it is worth rocking the family boat over.I would think twice about moving near to them for the time being though,especially as you have other reasons to stay put.

I feel sorry for your predicament the longer you leave it the harder it will be to get your message over.ask him how would he feel if you took over when you go to visit his house .

Is your SIL a manager at work? I have often found those who are used to managing people in a work environment often seem to continue with this amongst friends and family. I have to say some of the things you mention I would quite happily put up with for the sake of not potentially spoiling the few times they visit you. I always offer guests staying the option of choosing TV viewing anyway and my DH would not be bothered. As for asKing what things cost again I don't think I would be worried about that. If it bothers you then a chat along the lines of we love you coming to stay but this really bothers us (the worst issue you have) so would you mind (insert what you would like him to do instead).

Me too! The Rob/Helen storyline is driving me mad. Been going on far too long. Can't believe Jess has only just been questioned by Anna. Please Jess and Helen come clean about the fact that he raped both of you. Jess didn't say as much but it was implied. Wonder if Rob blackmailed Jess when he saw her recently or paid her off?

I would just invite your DO & DGD to visit you on their own...I used to often visit my Mum on my own with the children without my husband...If I'm in someone else's home I abide with their rules..It is their home after all so your SIL needs to put up or shut up

Yes Newquay - I am! I'm sorry but allowing this behaviour to escalate is not going to help. So I totally agree with those who say 'my house, my rules'.. It does not have to be confrontational at all. Big smiles all the time and just " we are so enjoying X programme on the TV", "I love watching the sun set", etc etc. It does not have to start a war. Just, "you relax and enjoy your stay and leave me to worry about the house/meals/time out/etc. My MIL used to arrive and run her fingers over my furniture looking for dust - so in desperation I greeted her at the front door with polish and a duster and the words " you will probably be needing these" (and a smile) - she never did it again and we did stay best of friends until she became impossible in old age.

I wonder if your SIL has some problem in changing routine- possibly associated with mild autism. Just a thought but it could explain his need to be in control away from his own environment. A difficult situation but he shouldn't be calling the shots in your home.

I am a great believer in " Never going to meet trouble half way" and my instinct is always to treat things lightly and always assume that anything said which is either 'odd' or not acceptable is meant as a joke. In fact I always say something like 'if I didn't know that was you cracking a joke, well, ... anything could have happened!' When I think someone is being presumptuous I have been known to say 'hang on a minute I will just consult with the head of this establishment' or 'the high head heid yin' as Billy Connolly was won't to say. It usually makes everyone laugh and gives the offender pause for thought.
We are very relaxed and jokey on the whole anyway though and so these things rarely happen.

I can remember my own DM, many years ago, putting a guest in his place very effectively when he said that in my DF's absence he would sit at the head of the table. She said," Not while I am in this house!" but we children all thought the effect was actually caused by the bread knife that she was brandishing at him at the time!

I'm totally with Granarchist - a sit down and explanation: your home, your rules. All said very kindly.

Whilst I sympathise with Cassandra's situation I would hesitate to say or do anything to spoil your relationship - as you get on well when you stay with your DD and SIL and it is only when they are with you that you have a problem. SIL sounds a bit of a pain but I would live with this and try and encourage your DD to visit on her own with DGC whenever possible. Avoid criticising SIL to DD at all costs - it is her marriage and she is managing the situation. You could end up distancing yourselves which would be a great shame and very upsetting. It is your home the rest of the year - if he asks the price of anything make it up - its none of his business anyway!!! There are lots of small ways to get round situations without having a head on collision. Life is full of compromises. Good luck

I'm not sure a designated chat is the way to go. I would just start to be a bit firmer when the situation arises...
When he dictates something, just reply with, 'we've actually already sorted dinner' or ' we've already planned to watch XYZ, and we'll turn it off after that. Be firm, but non-argumentative, don't ask if it's OK with him, just lay down the law in your own house.
If you let him have his own way, then he will. State your plan ahead of time and let it sink in and be firm if he says no.
Also, don't even consider moving if you don't want to. 'We're perfectly happy here for the time being thank you' should suffice...

What embo says!

It's fine for posters to say ' if in someone else's home abide by their rules' but if you genuinely think he's has got aspergers the same rules want apply in his head obviously if you're pretty sure he's just a controlling rude and dare I say arrogant person I think you can find nice ways of keeping it your way certainly if he tells your husband what to wear it's up to your husband to just laugh and say no thanks I m wearing this to day, same with Tv programmes just say with a smile we re watching this, when going to the park tell him to go ahead and you ll catch him up if you're running late . Aspergers would feel the need to carefully stick to the correct time and want to keep to a careful routine or they would feel very uncomfortable and out of sync, he's obviously more comfortable in his own home when making you welcome as it would be done as he wants it
It would be a shame to fall out if the chap can't help it and is a good husband provider and dad

well said Snonymous - I would not have anyone laying down the law in my house I try to make guest comfortable but would not allow them to take over the way I run my life. I do agree that light hearted responses or turning things round with a joke are the best way. No way should guests dictate what you watch on tv - if you are not fussed about watching something then you could say is there anything on anyone would like to watch.

No way would I be dictated to about meal times, time for going out (unless there are time constraints eg theatre, cinema etc)

Embo32 is spot on about moving - the decision is yours not his to make - a polite response - we love it here/all our friends are here/ we belong to ?? clubs. Do not consider moving until you are both ready to if ever that day comes, don't forget you could move to me nearer & they may decide to move.....

Perhaps a simple (jokey) plaque with the message 'When In Rome' hung on your wall might be a gentle prompt to initiate a conversation on the subject - I'm sure you could find one online.
I agree with others that he might have high functioning aspergers and may not appreciate the effect his behaviour is having on others.

Thank you all for your support and very helpful suggestions which have given me more confidence to assert myself better in future while trying not to alienate SIL and DD while they are staying with us. I hope I will not need to say 'you are not married to me, so (implication) shut up!' (but thank you Dot, your post really cheered me up, and I will keep it in reserve if I get desperate!)

A number of you seem to think he may be uncomfortable outside his comfort zone, or have Aspergers,a tendency to autism or some sort of anxiety disorder which may be associated with the need to control and manage time/other people etc even when on holiday and in someone else's house. I think this may well be possible - in which case I shall try not to let it get to me so much next time (but not let myself be walked over all the same).

We will not give in to pressure to move house before we are ready to do so - thanks for your support here too.Appreciated. We rather think that this may be linked to another of SIL's desires to take control - this time of our finances as well as our welfare! when we are older and frailer.Not an uncommon situation, I fear. Have any of you had to stand your ground over such an issue?

I have had previously through Power of Attorney taken over my fathers finances.
I did this jointly with my sister
My DH has also now had to do this with his mother.due to her age & dementia. He has no siblings so its all down to him.
You could both appoint a Power of Attorney for the future with someone of your choice.
Then when/if SiL mentions this you can tell him its taken care of.
We did a joint one for my father which meant we both had to be in agreement. This worked well as we had to sell his house and make care provisions

It sounds to me that he has borderline personaltiy disorder.Thus is really no fault of his as it devolpes in early childhood and even years of theappy cant cure it.My twin brother has it and it makes for a very difficult life .

I agree with Nelliemoser, I was wondering about you SIL's mental health too. It could be that he has some sort of personality disorder.

Good family relations are important, even when someone misbehaves. Best way to diffuse a situation is to smile a lot, make funny jokes, and pretty much manage things with humor. Things only get ugly when someone loses their cool, so don't. Simply "yes him to death" then go out of your way to do things exactly they way you always do. If he protests in any way, complains or starts trouble, then you tell him very nicely, that you don't (want, do, organize) things that way..because that doesn't work for YOU....He insists that you to leave earlier or go somewhere you don't want to go? You say "sorry, but that really doesn't work for me".....If he starts meddling in your finances, you say "That's Ok, it cost (10, 25, 50 pounds) and that works for me!".....get the gist? You need to 'retrain' him. After years of bossing you around, it might take some time and patience, but persevere and he'll soon tire of his authoritarian approach. I hope this helps....best of luck.

I'm with Willa45 (and several other posters) on most of this Cassandra. The only thing I have to add is that I might ask "Why did you want to know?" on what things cost.

I only mention this because my own Mum had a habit of telling me what she paid for things and almost always I knew that I could have got it for her cheaper by shopping online - sometimes even John Lewis with their excellent warranties wanted less than she had paid.

I know I sometimes winced when she told me what she paid for something and eventually it came out and she now often asks me "What should I pay for X?"

And I really don't care what she does with HER money - I'd just rather she had enough left over for a holiday

Obviously I don't know the context of your SIL's enquiry from this post ... I just wondered.

I remember a phrase of my grandmother's, when she didn't want to say how much something had cost: 'Money and fair words'. May be useful, said with a smile.

If it is something like ASD he might well not appreciate someone making a joke about his idiosyncrasies and really feel he is being got at.

OHs choir made a point of asking him to make sure he got to a concert on time as he had made himself very late for the previous one by not getting changed in time.

When he arrived home after the after the reheasal he more or less threw a tantrum and said he was not going to go back to the concert. He did, but he every so often he flounces out of one brass band or another. No sense of humour and cannot cope with even deserved criticism.

I know from experience that when someone comes to visit we pull out all the stops to give them a brilliant time (its exhausting!) and then when they have gone we have a big sigh and get back to 'normal'. Having let someone 'rule' for 10 years its hard to change but it has to change so do it very slowly so you don't cause a rift. Many people have said make a joke of things but is this in your nature? Say lunch will be ready about 1 o clock and you will be ready to go to the park about 2 o clock. Don't be tied down to specifics and if he asks personal questions then don't lie just say we would never buy anything we couldn't afford so you don't need to worry we are not getting into debt!

It sounds to me like he could have some mild form of a disorder - ADHD or a Learning Disability - he cannot accept change even in an environment that is really nothing to do with him. Good luck but be gentle but firm and don't move home it would not work.