How can I encourage DH to change lifestyle

You are not going to change him. You could probably encourage him to do things with you, cook for him and do activities together that take physical effort and avoid eating and drinking in bars and restaurants.

Trouble is, with anything, dieting, giving up smoking, taking more exercise, cutting down drinking etc, the person has to want to do it themselves.

I nagged my DH to give up smoking with no effect - the health risks, the cost, the anti social aspect, waste of time.

After a prolonged cough and cold, he went cold turkey and gave up, but not as a result of my nagging. Never been so proud of him. This was over 20 years ago.

Al I can suggest is to quietly encourage him, help by preparing sensible meals, tell him you love him and want to spend many more years together.

Good luck.

.

All you can do, if you cook, is prepare foods with low saturated fats, take more exercise with him and make it a joint project

You can moderate your drinking and eating dogsmother without giving up socialising, giving it all up would send a negative message imho.

Jaxjacky….I certainly didn’t say give up socialising, that really would be a step too far.

There is little you can do, other than lead by example. I know the problem, I face it myself with my DH.

When we marry/move in with a partner, we have to accept them as they are, warts and all. You can express your concern and that is it.

On the other hand, because I only drink with meals, and, usually only when out. DH used to always open a full bottle of wine and offers me a glass, now, because he knows I will say no he now only buys 1/3 or 1/2 bottles of wine, for himself, which means a good reduction in his alcohol

You can try but some people do have naturally high cholesterol. Cook foods which are low in cholesterol, without making a point of it.

A friend's DH ate a very bad diet and she worried about him, but when they went to be tested, his levels were very low indeed and hers were above normal levels.

is he now taking medication for it?
what does the doctor say ?

My OH moved in with me 23 years ago. He was 20 stone (and still is), I was 8 stone (and still am!). He said, well if I eat the same as you, I’ll lose weight. It didn’t happen, as he was a ‘secret’ eater! However, over the years, with various gall bladder, knee and shoulder problems, he’s had physiotherapy, and as a result attends a gym class twice a week and follows this with a swim. In addition, he belongs to an archery club and shoots every Sunday for a few hours. He also plays golf most Thursdays, and occasionally walks our dog. So, he’s still overweight, but eats (mostly) healthily and exercises. 👍🤷🏻‍♀️

welbeck

is he now taking medication for it?
what does the doctor say ?

Isn’t it statins to get cholesterol levels down? Buy low fat margarine like Benecol also yoghurts if he likes them.Do most of the cooking yourself and cut down on fried or fatty foods.

Oreo How do you know that the OP isn't doing that anyway. Your respoinse is the classic patriachal way of blaming the female partner.

Patsy70 puts her finger on the problem when she talks of 'secret' eating. Personally I would call it 'independent' eating. the food your partner buys and consumes for themselves.

When DH had his heart attack, I had a consultation with a dietician about what we ate, on a score of 12, the family diet scored 10. I lost points because I use rape seed oil rather than olive oil - and I use very little oil anyway - and we do not eat nuts very much.

So no problems with the food being served at home BUT DH goes out to buy the paper - and buys donuts, or a scotch egg. He will drink wine with meals and a whisky while he watches tv in the evening. He eats a lot of cheese and if we run out will buy more.

I do not join him in any of this extra independent eating, nor does my non-participation bother him. He is overweight, I am not.

A partnership is just that, two independent adults wanting to lead a life together. No one is 'in charge' or can tell the other what to do. We can encourage, but in th end the only choice is accept their eating habits and the damage it does them or leave them.

The only good side effect is that our son, similar build and having inherited the health problems of his father's side of the family. is absolutley determined to keep healthy. it is a struggle, but he exercises and tries to control his food intake, even though work can occupy him all hours and mean eating on the run.

Lead by example.

Spend time with each other cooking healthy food - high protein and low in saturated fats, particularly avoiding animal products, participate in exercise together (walking comes to mind). Avoid alcohol.

Norah read my post above yours. You can do all those things you recommend, and heaven knows I have done them, but you can take a horse to water but you cannot make him drink.

I learnt this the hard way because my father had read all the text books on this subject and duly ate the healthy food my mother fed him, lost weight when she thought necessary and was always a very active person.

Unfortunately, if DH read the book, it was so that he would know how to confound it. He eats the good diet I feed him - and then supplements it with unhealthy food from elsewhere, is a steady, but moderat drinker, even though I rarely drink at all and while I keep active walking, Tai Chi and generally always on the go. He will start a gentle walkinbg plan with me (my latest initiative) but after a gentle week, the next week, he cannot manage Monday as he has to take the car to the garage (an old car, where a visit to the garage requires a half hour journey and long discussions once there). Tuesday, needs to be quick because he has to see a man about a set design, Wednesday its raining and he hates getting wet. and so on and on

After 3 weeks I give up and go for the nice long brisk walks I infinitely prefer.

Let's see , you can be like my S inL. Who never stops nagging about my brothers diet,whatever he does, whatever he eats. How he's put up with it all these years I've no idea.
Control freaks.

I'm in the same situation as M0nica. My OH is overweight and chooses to eat unhealthily. He likes cooking and eating! The idea that the wife should just buy and cook healthy meals for the 2 of them does not work these days, when men often cook.

Despite being advised by doctor to lose weight, he won't do anything about it. He complains about how uncomfortable his trousers are but doesn't want to hear any advice about his diet and drinking habits. He doesn't like walking for exercise - will do some gardening which he thinks should be enough.

Unfortunately OP is unlikely to be able to change her husband - except try to make sure he has regular medical check-ups.

The only way I finally managed to get my husband to even see a doctor was to threaten him that I wouldn't be his nurse if he got a stroke - I would just put him in a home! He had kept saying that he didn't mind if he just had a heart attack or stroke and died, but I pointed out that most strokes don't kill, just leave a person disabled to some extent.

you can't and you shouldn't try..

M0nica

Norah read my post above yours. You can do all those things you recommend, and heaven knows I have done them, but you can take a horse to water but you cannot make him drink.

I learnt this the hard way because my father had read all the text books on this subject and duly ate the healthy food my mother fed him, lost weight when she thought necessary and was always a very active person.

Unfortunately, if DH read the book, it was so that he would know how to confound it. He eats the good diet I feed him - and then supplements it with unhealthy food from elsewhere, is a steady, but moderat drinker, even though I rarely drink at all and while I keep active walking, Tai Chi and generally always on the go. He will start a gentle walkinbg plan with me (my latest initiative) but after a gentle week, the next week, he cannot manage Monday as he has to take the car to the garage (an old car, where a visit to the garage requires a half hour journey and long discussions once there). Tuesday, needs to be quick because he has to see a man about a set design, Wednesday its raining and he hates getting wet. and so on and on

After 3 weeks I give up and go for the nice long brisk walks I infinitely prefer.

No. I didn't say anyone should feed another grown person.

Your mum may have felt she should feed and decide when the partner needs to lose, I don't assume wifely duty. I said cooking together, low fat, low animal fat, high protein, lead by example, not nag or cajole.

Actually, though we are both slim and fit, we or body nature could choose a different path for either of us. After knee replacement (for all four knees), we can't walk for a few weeks, we have to eat lots of protein, and we must take sleep. It's a choice to begin a healthy life again after 2-3 months.

Diet and exercise are choices everyone makes.

Norah Actually my dad was an enthusiastic cook, I can never remember him sitting down when my mother was doing anything in the house. He was beside her helping. He was the kind of man who pushed prams and changed nappies - in the 1940s/50s

It meant that when he was widowed he was able to look after himself very well during over 10 years as a widower. But he had absolute trust in my mother's and if she said he was getting overweight and needed to lose weight, he would go along with it. He wasn't a drinker and both were great walkers. When alone he always watched Delia Smith and extended his repertoire considerably and cooked lovely meals when we visited.

MONica your parents sound a lovely couple.

M0nica

Norah Actually my dad was an enthusiastic cook, I can never remember him sitting down when my mother was doing anything in the house. He was beside her helping. He was the kind of man who pushed prams and changed nappies - in the 1940s/50s

It meant that when he was widowed he was able to look after himself very well during over 10 years as a widower. But he had absolute trust in my mother's and if she said he was getting overweight and needed to lose weight, he would go along with it. He wasn't a drinker and both were great walkers. When alone he always watched Delia Smith and extended his repertoire considerably and cooked lovely meals when we visited.

Then I'm not sure why you quoted me after you posted your mum fed your dad? We just don't assume 'wife' cooks in our home (or pushes prams, changes nappies, does shops or laundry, etc - nobody, both retired, does that).

Perhaps you wished to tell me leading by example is wrong?

@Norah@ I am an economist and one of the things that you learn in economics is that it is best if every household/ country concentrates of doing those things that it does best.

So in our household we have always worked to our strengths rather than our weaknesses, I also note that you and your DH run a business together from where you live, which again puts a different complex on how you live.

I am married to a person whose work took them away from home, often at short notice - three or four hours - for indeterminate periods of time, could be days, weeks, months. The children and I often barely saw DH between March and September.

As a result, if we were to have a family and any communal life someone was needed to run the family business. So that is what I did. I see myself as being the equivalent of the Steward in a country house, not the house keeper, the steward.

When DH was home he did a lot of DIY. he is a skilled engineer both physically and mentally, and his skills over the years have made it possible for us to buy houses and improve them until we reached our ideal house, an old Listed period property on a village street where we have lived for nearly 30 years.

I have dyspraxia and ADHD and no one in their right mind would expect me to do any DIY. I am always willing to help and I am a dab hand at splashing paint everywhere. But by common agreement anything to do with house or cars are DH's remits and he loves it,

On the other hand I am a good organiser so I run everything elsefrom house to finances, to everything else. And I am a clever cook - not a good cook, a clever cook. I specialise in casseroles and stews and interesting combinations of food that please and satisfy people - and what greater purpose can someone preparing a meal have? DH has little interest in cooking and when I am away subsists on takeaways and tinned beans.

Each of us concentrates on what we do best. He builds extensions, rewires houses, installs kitchens. I run the family business. I love food and make sure that I get lots of delicious meals from interesting recipes.

From childhood, you have led a very different life to mine, in every way. However it does not mean that you have led a better or more superior life, neither practically nor morally or more equal. It has just been a different life based on your very different circumstances to mine.

So will you please stop slapping me down and trying to prove to yourself, and no doubt others, how superior your life and life style are to mine. They aren't. Just different.

Now we all know your life stories would you like to hear a lot of others on Gransnet? How we sacrificed our careers for husbands to reach the top in theirs. Absent husbands at work or on conferences abroad. Schools thought you were a one-parent family because DH was never mentioned or seen and on and on.
Stop arguing and agree to differ the post is not about you two.

Bella23

Now we all know your life stories would you like to hear a lot of others on Gransnet? How we sacrificed our careers for husbands to reach the top in theirs. Absent husbands at work or on conferences abroad. Schools thought you were a one-parent family because DH was never mentioned or seen and on and on.
Stop arguing and agree to differ the post is not about you two.

Thank you.

I assumed it wasn't about me, didn't attempt to tell my boring life story, or slap out, thus my notion one should just lead by example.

Well, keep to your notion Norah or the post will lose its meaning. I agree you did not give us the full curriculum vitae of your married life. Though tempted lots could.

Norah has done it many times on many different threads, It is just that this worm suddenly turned.

I certainly never sacrificed my career for DH. I had a very successful career, but when it came to home responsibilities it tended to divide down tradtional lines because it was the most effective way of working to our strengths.

Mindless assumtions of how relationships work based on who does what in a house is simplistic and ignorant.