To ban the mean MIL to see my children?

xiaoaiwei, after what you said in your post on 26 July, I can assure you that you have a diazepam problem. Find a healthier way to call down.

It would not be fair to the kids. My daughter is mad at me and wouldn't let me or my other daughter see my granddaughter for several months. She now let's us see her but got mad because she told us she missed us. So sad for the kids.

But they are clearly regarded as a powerful weapon or "bargaining tool" in what looks more and more like a female power struggle.
Maybe it is cultural, maybe there are other issues, but I come back to my original point near the beginning of the thread that 1) we are hearing too much of this type of threat, 2) we know from the personal experience of other GN members the heartbreak it generates and 3) I could not imagine our own mothers and grandmothers playing along with holding GPs to ransom.
But as a flight is involved in visiting the GPs and OP has to rely on her Diazepam to actually contemplate flying, presumably it is unlikely to be a major problem in the immediate future.

These children are not just yours, they are your husband's too! This is not just your decision..... and the issue is between you and your MIL and your husband .....you have to address that, not use the children. They are irrelevant in the issue!

My close friend is Chinese and was raised to be very respectful to her mother in law, even calling her mum. Her mother in law was very critical of her, but in subtle ways.When I heard her mil, I used to think I wouldn't put up with that. Eventually my friend had had enough and her husband would visit mil and take the chilfren but my friend stopped seeing her. I thnk if she had stood up to her mil earlier, things might have been better. But she didn't stop her husband or children from going to see mil and I think that was the right thing to do. God luck with sorting it out.

no one shd use children to getvtheir point across or their own way. No ifs, no buts. Do it and you teach kids to become nasty adults. Don't!!!

I am a mil and still have my mil who was an awful demanding mil wanting to know all of our business and every decision we made our children all grown now witnessed some awful rows about her and me and my husband fell out many a time over her. She is now 94 and living on her own and needing me especially she is still demanding but now not so nasty! My boys don't visit her as they made a grit desicion they didn't like her my husband does his duty but can't stand get really. Looking back I persevered but got stronger with her over the years and stood up to her I just wish I'd sat her down earlier and told her her behaviour was not acceptable as it would have saved a lot of heartache . Keep strong it's her that will miss out!

It will be the children who will be affected by this. Think of them. I've never agreed with stopping grandparents seeing their grandchildren . You need to talk to your husband and get him on your side and then decide together how to deal with the situation .

Sorry, Bernie
Ecclestone of course.

I have just read that Bernie Ecckestone's MIL was kidnapped in Sao Paolo for squillions of £/$
Now that's a thought.
(Unworthy thought DaphneBroon nae mince an' tatties for you the nicht!)

I agree with Willa, this does sound like a clash of cultures.
Reminds me of the family situations in Singapore. We knew a few local families there, and the older generation wield a lot of power. In fact they're almost worshipped.
If that's the case there's not much the OP can do. And explains her husband's helplessness.

To cut grandparents off from contact with their grandchildren should never happen unless there has been some kind of physical violence or abuse. A verbal argument however nasty is no reason.

Daphne totally agree that 'what goes around comes around' I suspect that is a number on GNs waiting for that to happen. Those maligning their MiLs may well become one themselves and when their sons side with wives against them they will see their mistake. They are teaching their boys the way to treat them in the future.

Any parent thinking of banning GPs from their children's lives should think carefully what message they are teaching. If GPs are not important in a child's life then they won't expect their own children to see their GPs.

Yes Daphne, not much chance with this talk of not tolerating another strike.

OP you sound like your MIL. There will be another strike as that is the way your MIL is. Now you know it will happen, be prepared, swallow your pride, walk away don't give her the benifit of retaliating and remember she does it to other people not just you.

Think of your husband, fil, and sil and children. You would be spooling the family relation for all of them as it would be difficult for them to see your children together in a happy atmosphere without you never going. If your Fil has put up with it for 40 years you can every now and then and let your husband take them on his own sometimes

I haven't banned her. But I won't tolerate another strike like this
<sigh>
This is a threat indeed and it sounds as if OP has drawn up battle lines.
Not much hope for "happy families" in the futures is there?

But don't forget " what goes around comes around" and in 20 years time it may just bite you in the bum.

Notanan, thanks, that's spot on. This whole thing cold be a lot different if she chose another time, I said to her already things between adults should not involve kids especially not on their special day.

I haven't banned her. But I won't tolerate another strike like this.

This is between you and your MIL not her and the children

I disagree with this

She used the child, and the childs party, to get to the DIL

How much can she really care about the child if she choses his party to cause a row with the childs mother knowing it'll distress the mother who, even if she doesn't like, should be focusing on her child not on the MIL.

That's not to say that cutting all contact is appropriate yet, however I would set new boundaries, and they would include no special occassions.

This way the children's memories of special occassions aren't of adults raising their voices and upsetting each other, but the MIL has a chance to redem herself and you can see if she can focus on the children and not use them to upset you x

To tell her that she cannot see her grandchildren is playing straight into her hands and will prove just how awful you are.
Allow her to see them.
You are angry with your husband as he didn't come to your defence. You need to ask him why.

Sorry I haven't read all the threads. Why did she suddenly turn on you, what did you do or say that made her so aggressive.

Saddened to read of your negative experience. Irrespective of her behaviour she is still your husband 's mother, and GrandMother to your children. I wonder if she would have behaved differently if it had not been her home enviroment. Maybe an Abuse of Power, maybe she has Health Issues. Maybe she is suffering from stress.

Seems that you need to recover as Best you can, and that will take time. Be kind to yourself, have quiet relaxing atmosphere where you can Rest, Recuperate and Recover. Before considering how to ensure you are not in a similar vulnerable situation again. Live and Learn. Hopefully your life will become less stressed. Enjoy time with friends and family who love you, and are kind to you and each other.

Surely I am not the only one who read this and wondered where the problem lies?

I have since writen her email explaining how she was wrong and how she shouldn't interpreter things in a total negative way instead of talking to me. It sounds so patronising and so totally sure she is right. You will never win someone over by writing to them to explain how wrong they are!

And

my friends, also mothers and daughter-in-law, have said how awful I was treated like that considering we flew all the way there and I was the only "outsider" there. They said if it were them they would have taken the children and left there and then, never to speak to her again Well what did you expect your friends to say? If your MiL told all her friends what happened they would totally agree with her that you were in the wrong!

I'm sorry, I don't want to be hurtful but have you even considered that you might have contributed towards all this with your 'I am right' attitude.

Whoever suggested killing with kindness, I think this works with colleagues but with someone who has made up their mind that they don't like you and will defame you at every opportunity all you will do is make yourself a doormat. I know, I've done it.

Xiaoaiwei - a lot of good advice here.

Where I differ perhaps (haven't read every post) is to warn that your MIL may be incapable of change, despite your best efforts.

As others have said, depriving your children of a grandmother will "up the ante" and play into her hands by "justifying" her behaviour in her own eyes.

No one can make a person with mental health problems or eaten up with jealousy that you are married to their son understand that their behaviour is unacceptable.

Try to feel pity for her - she is the loser.

It sounds like you're handling it well Xiaoaiwei. Hopefully your email will have done some good and things will be better on your next visit!

Xiaoaiwei

From your post it sounds like you come from a culture where a MIL can hold a lot of power over her (adult) children. Three things come to mind.
1) If my observation is correct that would explain your husband's reluctance to intervene on your behalf. From his perspective he's stuck between a 'rock and a hard place' because he loves you but he may feel powerless to confront his own mother.
2)Punishing your children because their grandmother was rude to you is not a good idea. a. It wouldn't be fair to them and b.They might resent you for that later on.
3)Whatever is going on with your MIL is something that merits keeping an open dialogue with your husband. a.) Tell him how concerned you are about her unexpected verbal attacks and her overall (mental) health. b. Tell him how stressed and hurt you've been because you can't understand why she is suddenly so resentful towards you. Ask for his help not by confronting her, but by helping you (and her) to improve your mutual relationship for the sake of the whole family and especially for the sake of the children.

Maggie 273...
Oh I do so dislike it when children are used as weapons or emotional blackmail.
They are the ones who suffer from this kind of action after all more so than the adults. Maybe you can write to your daughter about all this rather than try to talk when theres a likelihood of another row blowing up. I do hope you can find a way of getting your relationship back to how it was. Try not to beat yourself up over the cause of the row. We are all entitled to have our own feelings during a separation or divorce.