To ban the mean MIL to see my children?

I think to not allow contact between her and your children at this stage might be a bit ott.

Surely there is room for conversation, and hopefully sorting things out.

Try to give yourself some space to get over the shock and hurt, before you decide how to mange this situation. Avoid visiting for a few weeks, in law relationships are hard, and only work if everyone behaves in an acceptable social way.

It was an awful and unforgivable thing to do, but why did she do this, is she having problems with other people as well.

Do not let this sour your relationship with your husband, and do not be surprised if he is unable to say his Mother is in the wrong, sons views of their Mother is often very different from their wives. Banning would bring more problems, how would your son feel not seeing his grandparents, but you do not have to see her or be involved, and in your place I would not visit or invite her round for some time.

Stay away from confrontation and your MIL until you feel more able to be calm around her, then you do need to try for the sake of everyone to try to sort this out, but if your MIL can not be pleasent to you then you have the option not to include her in your family special events and your husband will have to find other ways to keep in touch.

How long has she been like this? And how old is she? My own mother changed after her menopause. She too was inclined to be unforgiving and expected perfection from those around her and this really came out when she was in her 50s and emotionally she went through a really bad time. Luckily she had a close school friend who talked to her. It helped her relationships with most people, but she still let rip at my father and myself as she knew we would forgive her.

Does your MiL treat you husband and your FiL the same way? (They could hide it). If they get the sharp edge of her tongue it could be a compliment that she includes you in the select circle of those who love her enough to forgive!!

For now it may be best to keep your distance just avoid her until you feel stronger and have had time to assess the situation and talk it calmly through with your DH. Cry off invites to their house and let the boys go alone, and try to avoid asking her to yours.

Had she perhaps been drinking? If this was out of character, in your experience then I'd perhaps do as others suggest and just keep your distance for a while to see what happens next.

Can I ask why you had access to diazepam?

Do the children get on with her when they are with her?
Could there be a misunderstanding in her outburst and your interpretation of what she meant? I might be far from the mark here but the way you have written I wonder if you are from a different culture and could some thing have got mistaken between you
I would certainly not ban her from the children unless she is cruel to them as that would really put the cat amongst the pigeons and set you up for major criticism
Can you have a private talk with her perhaps with a neutral person present to see if you can resolve her perceived problems calmly
Don't be too cross with your husband he can perhaps see both sides and is very stuck in the middle so will take the easiest path for him and stay quiet and not get involved being on neither side

I had a MIL once who used to turn quarrelsome under the influence of drink. Eventually we realised she as a secret drinker - having quiet drinks of cheap sherry in the kitchen while cooking Sunday lunch. She was perfectly pleasant kind person the rest of the time.

Don't let it spoil your relationship with your husband. It may be that he has experienced her sharp tongue all his life and doesn't feel able to confront her. If you feel up to it I would try to visit her alone, tell her you want to have a relationship with her but you will not be spoken to in that way. I would also be watchful in the way she speaks to your children, if she starts being critical of them be sure to take them out of the situation and reassure them.

Yes, take some time to be calm and think about things when you feel less emotional. It must have been very unpleasant to be the subject of Mother in law's spite at your son's birthday celebration. As other people have said there may be issues with her you are not aware of and they may come to light later.
In the meantime don't let it affect your family relationships and take some time out from family gatherings.

This is between you and your MIL not her and the children.

Does she generally seem to love the children? Do they love her?

If she is not repeating her behaviour with them then I think it would be wrong to ban her from seeing the children. They're not a weapon and if she and they have a generally good relationship then its beneficial for them to keep seeing her.

Of course if she is doing the same thing to them then obviously you would not want the children to spend time with her, I understand that.

So, supposing its just your relationship with her that is like this I think its time to lay it on the line for her. Its not going to fun or pleasant but you need to have a calm conversation with her about her behaviour.

Explain how it makes you feel. If she tries to shout you down either walk away and tell her you wont be shouted at. OR wait until she stops and carry on. Try not to lose your temper back but explain that if she continues to treat you in this way then she will not be invited to family functions ( like birthdays) because you will not be treated like this.

Don't argue about it, tell her that's what's going to happen and stick to it.

Then tell your DH how you feel, what it means to you to have his support etc.

This should not harm your marriage but you do need to stand up for your self I think.

I hope you find a way of resolving this without cutting off the children from their grandparents ( remember if they don't see your MIL they wont see your FIL either )

I am sorry you have had this spat with your MIL but equally saddened by your reaction in threatening to disrupt your children's relationship with her. Why bring them into it unless you enjoy the feeling of power it seems to give you. Be mature, speak to her and sort it out, don't threaten to break up a family relationship over it. This whole thing so many some young parents have of using their children as a threat to the grandparents is something I could never have imagined in my own childhood or when my children were young.
You are clearly angry, but no I do not think you are being at all reasonable in threatening to hurt others over a personal argument.
You say she has "proved to be a terrible person", that she "planned to ambush you"
Somebody is over reacting here and I suspect tempers were heated. Let it calm down and take a deep breath, then move on to redress this relationship.

I'm sorry that you had such an unpleasant and upsetting experience but please think carefully before preventing contact between your m.i.l. and her grand children.

I have 2 GC, one aged 4.5 who we haven't been allowed contact with since he was 8 months and the other 8 months who we've never been allowed any where near.

There are no words to adequately describe the pain and anguish this separation has caused us. Be certain that it is in the best interests of your children to be denied their grand mother and is not simply an act of revenge.

xiaio - I know it is hard to imagine- but can you put yourself in the future- to a day one of your children stops you from seeing your own grand-children- because of a disagreement of some sort. It must be just awful. One day you will be the mother -in-law - and perhaps your dil will not see eyew to eye to you. Don't let your children become pawns in your personal dispute- even if you genuinely feel hard done by.

I might be on of the few DIL. I haven't 'banned' my MIL from seeing grandchildren. (Even after a spat where she was awful to me).

However, if her behaviour worsened towards me- of course that's going to affect the children! They realise that they can get away with talking to and about 'mum' like garbage- they will do so. Every time the have a fight with mum they could go back to Grandma and get agreement!
If grandma treats mum awfully there are consequences. It is not in the best interests of any child to be around someone who is hostile and treats mum like garbage.
I wouldn't let a stranger do that- why would I let family.

I do agree with one time being a bit lenient and trying to sort it out. But it if continues, you don't want to have negative influences so close to family. You could definitely see them less, and I wouldn't let them go over with just dad- you are a family and you too deserve respect!

I am truly sorry for those MILs who have lost contact but if two people can't be nice to each other it's confusing for the child.
I will be a MIL one day, and I do realise if I treat my DIL like garbage she has the choice. I have to enjoy my parenting now because when my boy is older, married with a family it will be his choice as to how involved I will be. (Scary and sad- but absolutely true!)

Has OP been back to comment?
I am going to stick my neck out and say I am concerned st the degree of power and leverage some young mums apparently exercise by using their children as a "weapon" against the grandparents.
We have seen too many instances of heartbreak on other threads on GN and it really concerns me that in so many cases(and I know somebody is going to come up with an exception) the "argument" has nothing whatsoever to do with the DGC so why can't adults be adult and keep their falling out to themselves?
Is this something new? On the one hand we have ever increasing numbers of grandparents providing free childcare or supplementing it , often at considerable personal expense (not merely financial, but a physical commitment and time commitment, ) but always willingly and on the other instead of gratitude we have daughters or DILS somehow getting back at their mothers /MILS by threatening to deprive them of their DGC.
It is an ugly scenario and not one my grandparents or parents would have recognised.

Of course I might expect to be shot down in flames for expressing these sentiments on "the other place"

It would be a horrible thing to do.

If at some point in time, the children themselves decide they do not like her, then that would be a different story. Until then, refuse to see her yourself, if you really must. But don't use the children.

Perhaps as you grow a little older and, perhaps, wiser, you will find strategies to cope with people you find difficult.

You may be right daphne but on the other hand there are plenty of daughters and DILs who are more than grateful for the help they get and wouldn't dream of keeping GPs and GCs apart. And GPs who feel lucky to have the opportunity to be involved in little ones' lives again. Best not to tar everyone with the same brush. To the OP, your MIL might be difficult, but everyone can be sometimes. Reflect on the good relationship you've had with her and don't let one episode tarnish it. And remember, if you ban her from seeing your DCs, it's likely they won't see their grandfather either. Do you want that?

I am not disagreeing with you dramatictessa, and certainly had no intention of implying that all DIL/DDs are guilty of this, but it horrifies me that the threat of barring GPs from seeing their grandchildren can ever be held over the GPs' heads. I cannot imagine any of us would use our DGC as bargaining "pawns" in the same way. No, for the GPs it's patience, forbearance, tolerance for the most part. Whoever heard of a gran threatening to withdraw childcare help because of a strop with their DIL/DD ?
Our fragile "rights" (moral, I know there are no legal rights) as grandparents are often sadly sacrificed to some sort of power struggle or revenge on behalf of our children's generation. How often do we read on this site off grans being advised to "tread gently" or hear of this sort of retribution being meted out after a disagreement. You know the threads I mean.
Happily, this is not my personal experience but there are many who would agree "there but for the grace of God etc".

It is up to you whether you want to let this ruin your relationship with your husband but you should not let your relationship with your MiL affect your child's relationship with his grandmother. That would be completely wrong. It must be possible to let him have a relationship with her with you only having minimal contact.

There are always two sides to every story and we do seem to so often see that son's wives don't like their MiL, much more than the other way round. We can only speculate why that might be.

Daphne and Granjura both make excellent points.

Let your husband take the children to see their grandparents - you don't have to go. Let him remember her birthdays and buy her birthday presents - you don't have to - she's not your mother. If she visits (but don't YOU invite her let your husband do that ) be civil but avoid being with her on your own DO NOT kiss her goodbye when she leaves. Always be polite and civil to her. Keep your distance. She'll get the message and apologise or it's the way she prefers.

Original poster seems to have disappeared

I was concerned reading your message how quick and easily you referred to taking diazepam, are you already under treatment for a mental illness if so it may be that you are reading more into the situation than there is. If this is the first occasion you have had a problem with your mil maybe the problem is you. Don't take it out on your children because they need their grandparents and your husband most probably understands who was really at fault and knows you suffer with depression or other associated mental illness and doesn't want to make things worse with you and members of the family. Look at both sides of the situation again as there may be good reasons for why your mil said what she said . Hope you get off diazepam and start thinking clearly again

Your Mil was hosting your child's party. Running a children's party is stressful, maybe she just had had enough and snapped. You could think that at least she didn't spoil your son's party. I'm not saying what she did was right just that sometimes trying to be understanding helps. I agree with Lily about the children going to see her with their dad. You could also instead of issuing ultimatums and responding as she no doubt expects,fight the anger and upset, smile sweetly at her and become caring and concerned about 'how she really is'. In my experience nothing upsets someone who is confrontational more than a person who refuses to fight. Think as well that your children will grow up, and teenagers love to blame their parents for everything, being prevented from seeing his grandparents will just give your son something else to hold against you.

I am going through the same with my daughter. ! We had a falling out it was my fault I have just been through a divorce after 40 years of marriage my husband walked out and was with someone else within 2 months. My daughter sees no wrong in this and has been seeing his girlfriend we had an awful falling out and she will not allow me to see my Grandaughter. It is so hurtful I am so close to my Grandaughter it is not fair. So I see it from a different side Maggie