Joke corner

Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony wasn't up to much, but the reception was excellent!

I have posted this one before, but I was telling it to a friend a few days ago so it is fresh in my mind. You have to imagine the butler talking in a put-on posh accent.

The faux pas.
A young footman in his first position in a classy house was very aware that he lacked polish and education, but the butler reassured him that he would soon learn, and advised him to ask about anything he did not understand.

So one day the young man asked the butler what was the meaning of the term "faux pas"?

"Well, James, do you remember last Sunday afternoon, when the vicar visited? Miss Jemima and the vicar were walking in the rose garden, and the vicar gallantly picked a perfect bloom to present to Miss Jemima (we in the servants' hall suspect that the vicar is rather keen on Miss Jemima) Unfortunately, it was one with vicious thorns, and it tore the vicar's hand rather badly. Miss Jemima had to take him into the house to bathe and bandage it.

Then, a little later, you were serving tea to the family on the lawn. As you approached with a tray laden with Madame's best china, Miss Jemima asked solicitously, "Oh vicar, is your prick still throbbing!" and you exclaimed, "Jesus H Christ!" and dropped the tray, breaking much of the china.

That was a faux pas, James, THAT was a faux pas."

elegran I love it. I've been feeling bogged down of late and I find jokes a bit of light relief, here's an offering:

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'

Oh and a funny story from a lovely, 85 year old friend. A friend of hers went into Homebase or some such to buy a mirror. Having found one she liked she took it to the cash desk. The cashier did the usual these days 'did you find everything you were looking for?'. The woman replied, 'well, I found this, I like the frame but I'm not so sure about the picture'. The cashier frowned and replied, 'but it's a mirror?'.

My friend was still laughing and so am I!

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road

Aniez That joke is the essence of my favourite Walter McCoriskin poem which goes.

A three-legged dawg went riding one day
Down to the town of MooseJaw
'Sheriff' he said, on unsteady leg
'Sheriff, Ah've come for ma Paw

Here are another couple of stanzas from McCorraskn, who described himself as a 'semi-skilled' poet.

"Dear Sir,
Never bite your fingernails,
It makes your fingers lumpy,
Never bite your fingernails,
Yours sincereley,
Stumpy."

"It is not written in the stars,
Nor written on the moon
It's written on the sideboard
And we'll hae tae dust it doon."

(Sorry I do not have a clue as to how to spell his surname)

What do you call a singer with a biscuit on his head? Lionel Rich Tea.

Here's another girls. Lady getting on in years is in the bedroom with her husband. She is standing at the mirror examining her face.
"Look at my wrinkles, and oh! I'm putting weight on. Say something positive darling to make me feel better about myself".
"Your eyesights good"

Love it Alex.

Q. Why did Piglet look into the toilet ?
A. He was looking for Pooh!

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

Ah Granny23 you have rolled back the last 40 years for me. I used to sit and read out Walter McCorrisken to my new hubbie. We used to fall about the lounge helpless with laughter. I googled Scotland's worst poet and proceded to fall about helpless on my own. DH (same) just looked at me over his specs and went back to his computer. Here's another verse. I promise you all no more after this. Rest easy.

Twa big eyes in the dark gleamin,
They belonged to a wummin (woman),
Who's man wis steamin (was drunk).

Didn't you want to keep the other one going? I put a joke on it only the other day.

It's here.

www.gransnet.com/forums/chat/1194016-Just-jokes

A positive goldmine for you to cheer yourself up with!

Q. What do you give a man with a weak heart?

A. A wee donkey.

That took me a minute or two Merlot!

It took me over night to get the joke Merlot, but that's age for you.

A married couple were having a heated argument.

Husband : How could God make you so beautiful and so stupid.

Wife: He made me beautiful so that you would be attracted to me. He
made me stupid so I would be attracted to you.

More please! I don't remember jokes so have to rely on you to give me another reason to be cheerful (part zillion). The funny poetry is good, and I will check out my anthology (and Google) and send in a brief bit if I find a funny one. Never heard of McGaskill-whatshisname, thought he was a weather man, will search for more of his gems.

I posted this on another thread Onmyown'because it amused me.

Acronyms - SAGA = Sex annually generally August.

Another Gransnetter quipped in response 'that frequently'

Here is one of the old joke threads. One of the advantages of a failing memory is that these old jokes (which I must have seen before) have been forgotten and make you laugh all over again.

Man sitting at breakfast table reading the paper. Wife is at the stove. "Bert" says she "I want you to make mad passionate love to me right now." Bert looks up from paper and says "Why?"

"Cos I want to time an egg" says she.

I can't think of any at the moment but I appreciate yours

This is the link to the original Greatnan thread:

www.gransnet.com/forums/chat/a1191019-This-made-me-laugh

I see a couple of jokes on it that I posted - didn't remember them at all.