Doing too much ?

Your daughter is very fortunate in my opinion to have the chance for some time without her children. What is her solution to the perceived problem? Would she like less time on her own? Would she like you to stop taking her children away for holidays? Or for you to have her children at your house, thus foregoeing your break?

Well what a bad tempered fuss over nothing, of course children/animal care should work both ways, when you air a problem you are asking merely for opinions ,different or otherwise, not to be treated like some sort of monster. I have only just joined this group but if this is anything to go by I think I will leave it,

Sorted

Happy to hear its orted

i wonder if you dont take the children away for a few months your DD may finally understand just how fortunate she is to have such a lovely Mum

Well you see the problem with that is that the OP simply cannot go to her "bolt hole" without her daughters help with her horses. So she's not going to do that, because it's actually not such a one way situation.

From the daughter's POV she frequently helps her mum to have a get away, and she wants a get away this once and it was a problem, so really I don't think it's all that one sided.

It doesn't matter how major or minor the party is, the daughter will have made arrangements, RSVPed, and will be upset if she now has to let those plans down after thinking her mum said she'ld help her go - which is 50% her own fault as she should have been clear at the start that she was asking for babysitting, and not asking her mum if she wanted to have the kids - which would imply she could have them at home or at the holiday home.

I must say, I feel a bit castigated now, after your somewhat pedantic comment - a party is a party, whether "special" or not and involves some degree of effort by hosts, so in my view all parties are special.

I obviously should get out more !!!!

I have re-read - OK so it's not a "special" party, but a party nonetheless.

I do not understand why you and your daughter cannot come to an amicable arrangement over something so simple which benefits her by allowing her to have some free time, and benefits you by allowing you to see your grandchildren.

Failing that, why doesn't your daughter pay for a proper babysitter or a friend to babysit when she wants to go out?

I think, as notanan said, it is a communication problem.

forestgirl can you have the DGC at your home just this once, so that you can continue to look after your animals and your DD can go to the party? Do you have to take them away?

Then sort out some mutually acceptable arrangements for the future.

I think the scenario suggested by notanan sounds likely.

forestgirl4 says she has worked out a compromise for this time and will re-think how she makes future arrangements with her daughter.
Sounds like it's all sorted!

forestgirl .

I think your daughter is being rather ungrateful. If you usually take your grandchildren away then why couldn't she say if she had other plans. She should be lucky she has someone safe to leave her children with. There are people in reputable magazines who house and or animal sit who are very trustworthy.
It isn't much to ask your daughter to do in return. Could she let you know about the children's school holidays or give you a printed copy and let you know the time she'd like to do something.

Hello forestgirl, I truly feel for you with your difficult daughter issues as I have a very difficult daughter of my own. It seems to me that your daughter wants to have her cake and eat it. As I see it she wants you to take the children away to the cottage for the half term holiday, but is being difficult about looking after the horse(s) because she wants to go to a party which is out of the area. Whilst I appreciate that it is nice for parents to get a break sometimes and engage in activities that are child free, if the usual deal is that you take the children to the cottage and she looks after the horse in return, then really I feel she should honour that. However, maybe she would be willing to compromise, I know to my cost that not all are, but maybe she could go to the party and you take care of the children for a night or two at your home or at her home. That way you could continue to care for your horse, but she must care for her own children during the half term holiday. However, both you and the children would lose the opportunity to spend half term at the cottage. I don't know if that would work or not. Whatever you decide to do, I feel for you. Good luck, and take care of yourself.

Far too little information or in-depth knowledge of the dynamics of this situation for anyone to jump to conclusions, or indeed to give advice, however well-meaning. All I can do is to sympathise with yet another, complex family issue... we all have them... but wouldn't dream of assuming that a. I have any relevant understanding of it.b. I have any advice to offer. Our own families and how to survive them is very much down to us...

forestgirl4, chin up honey ! gosh i cant even remember the original post ! maybe you are just too generous with your time, i wonder if you dont take the children away for a few months your DD may finally understand just how fortunate she is to have such a lovely Mum and maybe just maybe will understand she cant have her cake and eat it ! hope it all sorts itself out. p.s i believe we have a friend in common !

Think you both need to take a big deep breath and then calmly think and talk to each other about what's going on. You are both very lucky to have one another fit and healthy and the grandkids. I lost my mum aged 11 so never had this invaluable relationship for me or my children. She needs to realise how special you are to her and her kids. And maybe she's got something niggling away that she needs to discuss with you. Hope you can work it out happily for all.

Critical? I'm suggesting that both sides probably feel justifiably let down, when actually it may be down to mutual fuzzy communication rather than true wrong doing/selfishness on either side. Is that really critical to you?

Were three more critical posts necessary at this stage of this thread notanan? forestgirl has gone from the thread, having thanked people for their input and for helping her think things through. I do feel she got a lot of criticism , unnecessarily.

GM wasn't clear that it was NOT "babysitting", it was a holiday with usual horse care arrangements that go along with holidays

Parent wasn't clear that she was asking for "Babysitting" so she could go away, not just some "time off" at home where it didn't matter whether the GM stayed home with the GCs or took them off and required horse care.

now somebody's plans have to change… upset and resentment all round

Both parties thought everything was agreed/arranged

problem is that what each party thought was agreed was different.

And now we're down the line and any adjustment on either side feels like being "let down" and last minute changes of plans.

I think most likely the scenario is this:

Daughter didn't assume that the GM would "babysit", and asked, and thought it was arranged as a "babysitting" arrangement

GM thought the arrangement was that she was taking the GC away, which is an entirely different arrangement to "babysitting" and involves horse care

Meanwhile Daughter confirmed plans for the party, maybe booked transport etc

From daughters POV the GM is relegading on the prior agreement, and although she would have been fine with a "no" at the start, she's not fine with a change of plans (from her POV) now after thinking it was arranged and possibly making onwards arrangement.

ON the other hand the GM feels that the daughter is going back on her agreement, because it was never clear at the point of arranging this that it was for "babysitting" purposes, not a GC holiday for hoursecare swap.

Both are justified, neither are wrong from their point of view

But due to lack of clarity at the start they're now both feeling let down

Thank you everyone for your input. I have worked out a compromise but I am now mindful that perhaps I have to not be so readily available as she is taking it for granted that I will always help and it is not always possible or dare I say it, convenient. Largely my fault I guess.
Some of your posts have given me real food for thought as to how I act/react and my reason behind my actions (golly a lot of acting there)
The last thing I want is a rift between my daughter and myself but our relationship cannot exist purely on the condition that I expect nothing in return when I am, trying to help.
Thank you all again, and good bye for now !

ZORRO21, Pease re read I have not refused to baby sit. And the party is not special.

Jayanna9094, I am definitely not resentful of having my GC just frustrated that in spite of wanting me to have them my daughter now seems to be making it difficult.

Christ, do people still write essays. Xx

Hi! Forestgirl. Selfish springs to mind