Lack of connection, lack of joy.

If you are bored take up some new activities. Your being bored is no-one else's responsibility. Without wishing to be personal, I imagine a bored person is boring to live with.

Is your husband bored too?

You say you live in harmony in which case, assuming you wish to stay with your husband, you have to find joy outside the home.
I married my one and only husband because he made me laugh a lot ( he certainly wasn’t safe) but it’s not enough for a marriage.

Im never bored singly and neither is he. We just have nothing to talk about because we dont like the same things and dont find things we both enjoy together. We dont have mutual friends, never have.

I wish he did make me laugh. That would be novel. Sharing a sense of humour would be a blessing.

As far as "living in harmony" goes, I think we just coexist in a passionless way

Be careful what you wish for...

You knew who he was when you married him and wanted a safe relationship at that time so you can hardly blame him now that he does not provide you with a more exciting connection.

Find something to do outside the home or end the marriage so that he can find someone that is happy to live a quiet but content life, it is unfair of you to expect him to change.

* We just have nothing to talk about because we dont like the same things*

Why can't you talk about what each of you is interested in?
Spouses do not have to be interested in the same things to take an interest in what the other is doing.

Do something interesting and tell him about it.

Is there any love between you both? Perhaps if you showed affection things might shift.. You don't have to have interests in common but in order to have true harmony you must surely like each other...

What do you actually expect?

Onwardandupward - please take this seriously, unless you want him to look elsewhere. Happened to me. After all these years, I now feel I am a happily settled divorcee. I love it, but was very hard at first.

I’ve pm’d you OnwardandUpward

Baggs

* We just have nothing to talk about because we dont like the same things*

Why can't you talk about what each of you is interested in?
Spouses do not have to be interested in the same things to take an interest in what the other is doing.

Do something interesting and tell him about it.

This!!

We mostly have different interests and spend a ot of time apart, but you should be able to find something you can share..
talk about it.
And find some interests outside.

OnwardandUpward

Im never bored singly and neither is he. We just have nothing to talk about because we dont like the same things and dont find things we both enjoy together. We dont have mutual friends, never have.

I wish he did make me laugh. That would be novel. Sharing a sense of humour would be a blessing.

As far as "living in harmony" goes, I think we just coexist in a passionless way

Do you have family together?

Do you go on holiday together?

You could go on walks together?
Go on car trips together?

We both like walking the dog. I don't know what we'd do without the dog.

I do show him affection and I dont really expect him to change. I havent told him I feel something lacking for a long time, but we have lived separately twice before.

Yes we go on holiday. We don't have kids together but have a dog together.

What do I actually expect? I don't know. Just to talk about feelings really and get things in perspective.

I appreciate him in lots of ways, or I'd have ended things. I don't want to be alone and I do go out to work and have loads of things that I do.

Does he connect with others?

Yes, a little. Mens activities.

After 20 years of not wanting much to do with me in an intimate way, last week he confessed to having a sexual experience with a man when he was a teenager. I have not taken this any further yet, just listened.

You have tried lving separately. Twice.
You dont want to be alone.

You want to talk with him.
I suspect he already knows how you feel.
But that doesnt mean you shouldnt try again.

Going by the last paragraph of your op, I think you want more from him.
I may not be the best person to ask how that is achieved. But I hope you get it.

Now seen your latest post.

Yes, I'm not a fan of the single life. I am close to him, as family.

I need to find a way f asking him. If he is definitely gay then I think I would continue to live under the same roof, but we'd both be free to see other people. Perhaps we'd get on even better than ever then.

At this point, I'm not upset or worried, just mindful of the fact we have not gelled in the bedroom. Looking back , he was eager to marry me and take on my kids and everyone said what a good man. (He is in many ways) But maybe it was a cover.

For the first ten years of the marriage he would blame me for the lack of bedroom activities, saying if only I did this and that. Well, I tried the things he suggested and still no interest. Eventually he started to blame me, saying I was too much. I believed him and got very depressed, even suicidal.

Well I wasn't a fan of living alone, so I settled and accepted that things would not be different. Over the years I've had interest from other men, but not acted on it. I've told him this and he accepts it, but doesn't seem bothered by it.

kittylester

Baggs

* We just have nothing to talk about because we dont like the same things*

Why can't you talk about what each of you is interested in?
Spouses do not have to be interested in the same things to take an interest in what the other is doing.

Do something interesting and tell him about it.

This!!

Yes, this.

But don't let him see your eyes glaze over when he talks about his favourite hobby or interest for a long time !

Some people just have a low libido, if the other partner doesn't I can see that causing difficulties.
Would you both be agreeable to counselling perhaps?
Presumably his general health is fine?

Its not libido and we've had counseling before, twice. He does not like talking with a third person present.