I don’t want to see my son anymore

I would not vocalise that you don't want to see him as you may change your mind and it will then be too late.
You will not move forward if you are negative towards the person he loves and has chosen to spend his life with. Try to focus on her good points and remind yourself of those.

As for going away, that is their choice - can you arrange a day with your daughter and family - your grandchild/grandchildren (sorry don't remember how many you have) as you are obviously close to her?
Also, could you spend Christmas day with your husband now he is in a nursing home. I think that's what I'd do.

Sorry you aren't very happy at the moment.

First, I’m sorry for your struggles. It sounds like you’re having a very difficult time.

I don’t understand why his wife is to blame for his decisions. You describe your son as authoritative, which makes it highly unlikely to me that he’d allow his wife to dictate his actions.

I understand you’re upset about him not being around for the holiday, but I don’t see how it makes him selfish. His needs/wants are different than yours. That’s okay. It sounds like you’re both frayed due to everything, and a break , such as him going away for a bit will help to calm things down.

You need to make the best decision you can for yourself. Do you really think that cutting off the relationship with your son will make you happier? Will you really be at peace not seeing him, your gas and any other kids they may have in the future?

I suspect that you’re lashing out in anger and hurt, that you don’t really want to lose the relationship. But I think that you’re dealing with a lot right now, and a therapist could be a really good support and help you navigate through all the changes you’ve had to deal with

Adult children should spend time with parents because they want to not out of duty. If they want to be away over Christmas I would be asking myself why. When AC get married or have a permanent relationship that person takes precedence so being critical is unhelpful. If you want a better relationship with your son then you'll need to work at it, if you don't just stop seeing them but I feel you have more to lose.

I am sorry to hear how sad you are, but your son is an adult and once our children grow up they go their own way, for good or ill and we have to accept it.

Your son and his wife will only be away for four days. yes, it includes Christmas day but we all have to accept that events and aspects of life important to us may not be important to him. You do not say your son is refusing to visit his father, just that he will be away 4 days over Christmas day itself.

I think it would be very sad for you to cut yourself off from your son. I think you need to step back and accept that, like it or not, your son is an adult, who has married someone he loves, even if you lke her less. They have chosen the life they want to live and you must let them get on with it.

So stand back, do not impose your opinions on your son when you know you will disagree, certainly do not let things get so heated you have a row. If your temper is tried, walk away, out of the room, just away, so that you are not tempted to argue with him.

You have a lovely grandchild. You do not want them growing up seeing you a source of dissension and not love.

I know it will not be easy, but it is better to walk away from an argument than to be estranged.

I think he has changed since he met the person who is now his wife.
Sorry, but that says it all.

My feeling too eazybee

Please take a breath, notjusta. It’s understandable you’re disappointed but best to keep conversations with your son non-blaming. Cutting yourself off from him would surely hurt more There are so many conflicting desires around Christmas time. The actual day is just a day. You have other family and your husband. Will you spend the day or a large part of it with him? Share in a Christmas lunch? Your son and his little family are making their own traditions. Ask when he will be able to visit his father by all means but not in a blaming way. Smile and wish them well, it will pay dividends in the long run.

Knowing that you will never see your son or GC again is an awful thing to have to live with Notjustaprettyface as I know all too well, because our youngest son estranged us 11 years ago.

I do understand your disappointment, especially with him failing to turn up to your D's birthday celebrations at the last minute, and that you wont be seeing them over Christmas.

Easier said than done I know, but you need to lower your expectations or even have no expectations at all. When they're invited, keep in mind that there's every possibility that they may not come. It wont stop you being upset and disappointed, but might help you 'prepare' to be let down.

It might be an idea when you are asking them round to say something along the lines of 'it will be lovely to see you all, but I'll understand if you're unable to come' (even if you don't). If your son's failure to celebrate his sister's birthday was intended to punish you, making him aware in a subtle way that you're half expecting him not to turn up, may make him wonder if his punishment of you is as effective as his thinks.

The same tactic can be applied if you're thinking about making plans for the future, including next Christmas; 'it would be lovely to spend Christmas with you all, but I'll understand if you have other plans'.

Enjoy the time that you do get to spend with your son and GC by avoiding any topics of conversation where your opinion, which of course you're entitled to have, may not be welcome. That doesn't mean you should be afraid or worried to be yourself. If your son disagrees and in so doing tells you're being rude, don't worry about politely and firmly correcting him.

I hope you'll have peace and happiness this Christmas, and that being better prepared for your son's behaviour, will help to improve your relationship and how you feel about him.

Yes disappointing, but seriously are you really considering not seeing your son and family again because they are having a few days away?
Cutting off noses to spite faces springs to mind.

Notjustaprettyface

I feel really sad reading your post. You do my empathy though as one’s adult children can be, at times, spiteful, entitled and selfish! I don’t think this is always deliberate though and maybe some distance between you both will serve to give you some space and time to think.

I do hope you manage to repair your relationship, but please remember we don’t have to live someone or want them in our lives just because we are related!

But you do have a grandchild from him and his wife and it would be very sad to lose him too. When you’re feeling slightly less upset and despairing would you consider send him a letter/email/message just stating how you feel and about your husband and other family members? Please, please don’t do anything too hasty.

I wish you and your husband the very best, let us all know how it all works out, sometimes the pressures of Christmas being out the very worst in us all. Good luck x

I wouldn’t say anything, I’m afraid it’d only make matters worse. I’d try to act normally and hope that eventually relationships will improve.

But I have every sympathy, OP, since I know of 2 families which used to be very close until the son married, but the DiL has seemed determined from the outset to dislike (or even hate) her husband’s family, and to have nothing to do with them. And sadly, the son is now apparently completely under his wife’s thumb, either because he’s weak, or else he complies with everything for the sake of a quiet life.

Both sets of parents are absolutely not the types that would ever have been offensive or over demanding. They have simply been unlucky enough to be landed with a DiL from hell - and believe me, I do not use those words lightly.

Love not live! Memo to me, check before pressing post!!

Spot on, silverlining. I really don’t understand why a parent would say it’s unfair that one of their children and his family are going away for Christmas - and that they don’t want to see said child any more. Petty in the extreme.

There is a familiar feeling in your words you feel left out a lot of parents feel like this when their son or daughter meet partners. I did I felt side lined but learnt to live with it that’s what you have to do.
Your son has made his choice accept it otherwise you will be an estranged parent I could not imagine anything in life worse than that. Don’t voice your opinion it will be a big mistake you will regret the rest of your life.
In the mean time concentrate on your life close family or friends hobbies etc. Look forward to the times when you will see your son and his family life is too short for grudges.

What an over-reaction you are suggesting! Leave suggestions about Christmas to your children rather than imposing something on them; once you know what they have planned you can work around it. Is it really worth losing your son and grandchild over?

I can see you have a lot going on with your husband but I also see you say ‘the latest row’. I think you have made the mistake of thinking things carry on the same when a son marries. Maybe your DIL avoids you because she can’t face another row and is cool because she doesn’t know what you will do next. Two weeks before Christmas maybe there was something your son just had to do if he is working in the week. I think your best bet is to let Christmas go, see your husband or other family and then in the New Year let things settle and hopefully they will please don’t cut him off you will regret it

Cornergran has summed it up well. You have to accept that you cannot demand your son and his family do as you want. Of course he has changed since he got married, I expect he changed more when he became a parent, we all do, it would be weird if we didn't. I love to see my AC and GC whenever it's possible and it's nowhere near as much as I'd like but that's how it is. Would I put pressure on them for more visits, blame his wife, sulk because they can't come for Christmas? No, never because I respect that they are adults and they make their own choices. Try and find a way to turn your relationship round, fun and affection matters so much and , I may be wrong, but it sounds like there's not much of that between you at the moment.

Sad though this is for you, I think you should be careful not to do or say anything which you might regret. We have to accept that our adult children do what they want to do and it isn't always what we would like them to do.
Just be happy when you do see them, put on a happy face even though you are maybe sad inside. We all have to do this at times. They are more likely to want to spend time with you then.

Well if you do stop speaking to him it sounds like you'll have one happy DIL.. is it really worth it.. maybe drop all the expectations of how you think they should behave and settle for seeing them occasionally and being nice to your DIL..

Redhead56

There is a familiar feeling in your words you feel left out a lot of parents feel like this when their son or daughter meet partners. I did I felt side lined but learnt to live with it that’s what you have to do.
Your son has made his choice accept it otherwise you will be an estranged parent I could not imagine anything in life worse than that. Don’t voice your opinion it will be a big mistake you will regret the rest of your life.
In the mean time concentrate on your life close family or friends hobbies etc. Look forward to the times when you will see your son and his family life is too short for grudges.

Good comments, I agree completely.

I am sorry you are feeling upset about this, but on the one hand you are saying that you are disappointed that you will not see him over Christmas and on the other that you don't want to see him anymore!

You are feeling upset and cross at the moment and it is a very bad time to make any major decisions that will have long term ramifications - and negative ones for everyone.

Stand back and take a deep breath before you communicate with him at all. You do not want to do something you might regret, and dealing with it when your emotions are high could lead you down that road.

We have to accept the partners that our AC choose - there is no choice. Unless we know that an AC is being seriously abused (when of course we might step in) we just have to bite the bullet, be charming and play the long game - what is your wish for the future, given that your son has made his choice of partner and you cannot change that? Do you want to be estranged from him and never see or hear from him? Or do you want to find a way of rubbing along with his partner for the sake of family unity?

It is your choice to make, but you need to stand back and think hard about what the results of your decisions might be.

I am bemused at your post. Why is there a problem that your adult married son who has a wife and a child has plans for his family Christmas? He's entitled to a life of his own.

Both my sons and grandchildren are spending Christmas day with their MIL's family and it doesn't bother me at all. I will see them both at some point over the holiday [probably very briefly in one case]. In any case if anyone is unwell we wouldn't be meeting up anyway...lots a really bad colds/coughs going around here]. It's called life and we adjust [if our expectations aren't too high of course].

One of the MIL's is pushy and needy but it does not go down well at all and is seen out of duty [not what I would want]. She lives on her own as I do, neither of us has a partner... but we are so different. My sons owe me nothing. They are attentive and caring when they have less family/job demands and that's fine by me.

OP has a daughter and a husband and whilst I am sorry about the situation I think she should enjoy their company throughout the Christmas break and value them and their company. Sounds like temper is taking over from being rational. This attitude can only make things worse.

What a shame you are letting your disappointment (which isn’t valid ) completely spoil your relationship
Of course they may want to go away at Christmas why shouldn’t they? You chose to have a row with him because he was not going to be with you at Christmas that’s really disappointing for him to think you are making a big fuss over a normal procedure He’s no longer your little child he’s a fully grown man with a wife and wants a Christmas away from your home
Presumably this is why he didn’t come to see his sister for her birthday that’s a shame for them as siblings but he obviously felt annoyed enough to give it a miss and not want to get into a row with you
If you stop communication with them that’s your choice but you ll have no one to blame except yourself when you don’t have a relationship with your grandchild
You need to bite your tongue put a smile on your face and except he’s with the woman he loves otherwise you ll end up very lonely and full of angst and disappointment

Christmas is such a ‘loaded’ time and all the issues between families seem to come to the fore.
I would try not to feel hurt but work on just accepting things as they are. I definitely wouldn’t end your relationship with your son over this.
I doubt many people are having the ‘perfect’ Christmas but rather compromising and often being in situations they don’t necessarily like or want to be in, but it’s only a few days.
Try to focus on the good parts in the people around you and the resentment and hurt will perhaps soften.