My husbands dependency on me is making me feel like I’m drowning

It sounds more like you are controlled and he depends on you a situation you have been put in. Is he ill or just lazy whatever it is you could reverse the situation or at least relieve yourself of some responsibility.

Take yourself out to shop visit friends or anywhere but take twice as long as you usually would. Don’t keep to a timetable or explain where you are going just do things at times to suit you not him. If you do go out leave a sandwich or a meal out for him so you don’t have to rush back.

You need your own space it’s time for you to be vocal something you obviously have not been recently.

Thank you for your response . He’s severely dsylexic so I’ve always been the organiser & over the years it was easier to just get on and do it but since there’s just the two of us I’m finding it more difficult . He does help in the house , diy and Garden & never objects when I need to go out but making new friends is harder than I expected & im feeling lonely and isolated now

Somehow, I think there’s more back story to this, but at face value, it sounds as if a lot of life changing things have happened in the past couple of years. He’s retired, moved house and can no longer drive, the latter begs the question ‘is he ill’? Is this situation actually new? Surely he used to have a mobile phone and bank card when he worked, so why the new refusal? Was it a joint decision to move, or were you more for it than him? Is he content to have things as they are? Is the ‘problem’ actually yours?
However, unless you want to leave, and he isn’t ill, I think you’re going to have to make the best of a bad job. Go out, make new friends, enjoy yourself but perhaps try and persuade him to join you somewhere for coffee and cake, or a walk with a drink at the end?
I think you might be a new poster, so welcome. Read the Good Morning thread and see how some of us fill our retirement. I hope you get some good suggestions here.

People here will probably advise you to join some hobby and/or interest groups as making friends in the immediate area may not be so easy. Since covid many people now keep to themselves and their immediate family so I would not rely on the likes of neighbours. At least if you join some interest group you will meet people who are willing to socialise outside the home.

At present you are ennabling your DH lack of action and appathy by doing everything for him. What would he do if you had to go into hospital or away for some reason? He would have to cope. I think you need to have this "talk" with him.

Is there a “Mans Shed “ in your area ? If he could join in there it would be a help to you

I feel for you. In my U3A group there are more women than men. I thought most of the women were widows like me but come the Christmas social lots of their partners appeared!
Looks like some men like to shrink into a reclusive existence when they retire.
However there are Mens Sheds popping up around the place and clubs where your DH might feel useful. Helping someone with their garden perhaps?
You should join a few groups yourself. Start with the library, if you still have one. There are usually lists and notice boards with things going on
Don't let his state of mind prevent you from living your life.
Good luck 🤞

Thank you for your comments . No he’s never had a phone or bank card . He was self employed & I organised everything for him as well as working Full time . It’s partly my fault as I should have made him take more responsibility over the years but I didn’t and we are where we are . Yes he does have some health issues but not at the point where he is incapacitated . Days , trips out etc he’s happy to go along with at my suggestion and if I organise . He doesn’t even keep track of his own Drs , Hosp, dental app etc

You have my sympathy. When you have been working and away from home and used to having time where you matter without your DH retirement, whether heis active or not. Suddenly finding yourself home with you husband aroud all the time, can quickly driveyou to screaming point.

My Dh travelled an enormous amount due to his work, often to remote coutnries for indeterminate periods of time, so like you I ran everything, all our finances, bought and sold houses, the lot. I am also a person who does need time to themselves and those first few years he was retired and around all the time nearly drove me to suicide - and my husband did have a social and activity life outside the home.

The way out is to dvelop your own life,independent of his, but if you are out, especially if you do some voluntary work, culd you simply ask your DH to do something specific while you are out. Walk down to the shops and buy the ingrediants for supper - and then prepare it.

I too would recommend The Mans Sheds organisation ukmensheds.co.uk/ They have a map that shows where they are. You might have to ferry him to and fro to begin with, but he wuld soon make friends who can give him a lift.

But good liuck and sympathy.

LittleToothill I could have written every word of your post. I thought my situation was unique.

I find the whole thing so depressing and am not sure where to go or what to do to help myself. Anyone who is not in this situation has no idea what it is like and how difficult life can be.

It would help me and hopefully help you if you sent me a pm please.

Men’s Shed do a lot of woodwork etc so not much good for anyone who isn’t interested in doing that or socialising. Our Men’s Shed has become just a shed as there are quite a few women in it now .

This is not a criticism, but in a way, you’ve actually enabled your DH to be useless. At least he is willing to help around the house and garden - roll on the gardening weather?
Like Monica, my DH worked away and I took on sole responsibility for everything at home. We were both happy for that to continue when he took early retirement to pursue his hobbies - I hardly saw him some weeks!
I live by the calendar on my kitchen door and DH knew to look at it to see our plans. Maybe time to list your DH’s appointments and even ‘forget to remind’ him - make him start and take a bit of responsibility for himself? I know dyslexia can be a big issue - both my DDs are, but have learned to live by lists.
Try not to let things get you down.

It is important that you encourage your husband to be more practical in case you die first. He may have to cope on his own. Small steps. Good luck.

Why on earth should she have to teach a grown adult to do this.

Check if there is a WI where you live and tell the President you are new to the area and ask her if there is someone who will greet and help you in your first few meetings. I’m a greeter and have made many good friends with our new members.

The U3A is another suggestion. Go alone or with your husband at least once a week to a Garden Centre for a coffee and wander. I often do things on my own and have been doing so since I was 11 and I am now 77😳

Your library may have some events. Could you offer one morning a week to help at a local charity shop.

It looks as if your DH has few social skills but clearly you have so it time to test out a few of these ideas.

So many things seem to have happened all at once. I think you sound lonely and depressed. Others have suggested remedies for the former. I would simply add taking a range of the B vitamins for the latter. See if they help.
Have you tried staying in bed for two days with a "very bad headache" just to see how your husband copes with the "emergency"?

For you - I dont understand where your old friends are?

For him - is he happy at home while you are out?
And, is he happy with his life as it is?

Or were they work ones?

We’ve relocated to a new area for various reasons so I now have to rely on video calls to my old friends . I’ve made two new ones that I see occasionally . I just find my hubby more irritating every day that passes . He won’t join any clubs as suggested . I’ve tried

Sorry but you can hardly expect your husband to change now after so many years of enabling him.
It is going to take a while to settle in your new area and make new friends, have you thought about volunteering, helping others may help you too.

I have three friends in varying degrees of this suffocating situation .
And how does it happen ?
Very easily , because most women have so much on with work , home and families that they just give in for the sake of peace :

Friend One :
Rather surprisingly,
she's highly intelligent , well educated and well off .Foreign born to a privileged family , she has an English husband , who is so insecure if she has female friends and exhibits the most appalling jealousy . He will only go out with her . She supports him .
He does the alienation discretely and she is unaware of it .

Friend Two :
Has a sad history of poor mental and physical health . Schizophrenia runs in her family .
And is married to a huge alcoholic brute , who openly criticises her friends because he can't stand the competition . Any female is obviously a lesbian ! She has to stay at home with him . He openly watches pornography . He's insecure about his increasing weight and won't go out , but prefers to stay in their falling apart home .

Friend Three :
Very obviously has mental health issues including life altering phobias and OCD , was abandoned by her mother ( no father mentioned ) is in poor health and is absolutely run ragged by her seemingly very pleasant husband . Penny pinching , he does nothing , but has time and money to spend playing golf or sailing . She is an exhausted wrung out doormat terrified of losing him .

I can't help nor advise my friends without causing offence .
If they want me -I'm there for them .

I can only suggest that you try to make a life of your own :
I need a break at my exercise class or I need to hang out with my friends ...
And try to ignore the emotional blackmail , which these men have perfected through the years .
Good luck .

Errata ;
Discreetly not discretely .

I know we’ve had that discussion but he’s just relying on one of our 4 adult children to sort him out if I die before him

It takes a long time to make friends when you move to a new area.. if I was in your position I would firstly try to create my own private space within the house. maybe a room where you can sit quietly, read, draw, listen to music, watch films etc.. so that you can escape whenever you feel irritated by your OH. I would also draw up a clear calender of his need to know appointments and tell him you expect him to follow it.. perhaps just meet up for one meal a day.. Then I would look around your area for meetings or groups of any interest to you..could be U3A or local WEA. or exercise groups. and sign up for a course. You need to go regularly to places to get to know people.. your husband might have a mild disability but you do not have to be responsible for him. Let him sort himself out.. I hope you find some happiness

Thank you . I’m sorry to hear your friends troubles . I feel guilty for feeling so frustrated and trapped with my hubby as I’ve a lot to be thankful for