Problems with lodger

Do you want him to leave? This is a lodger not your family member so for him to be so familiar and “ feet under the table” comfortable in your home isn’t really healthy.
I’d suggest he shouldn’t have so much access to your home but it’s probably to late now as no boundaries are in place. So if you are not comfortable in your home he should probably move on.

Hello. Thanks for your comment. Yes I agree. I would tell him to leave but at the moment I am reliant on the money he pays for rent. I am off work at the moment due to illness and living off a small income. If I was at work I would definitely have told him to leave by now as I would be more financially secure. However he doesnt spend time in my living room at any other time except when my son is here.

Can you go to your son's more to see him there?

When you say he "doesn't spend any time" there do you mean it's not part of the arrangement?
Would he normally knock (for example if you were in there and he needed to speak to you)?

Your lodger is behaving like one of the family and it would have been better if you had been firm with him from the start.
This your home and your family and he is encroaching on both. You can either give him notice to leave or tell him that he can't just walk in on family gatherings as they are private.

Ive always been under the impression that there is a difference between a "lodger" and a "house share". The former has their own room and access to say the kitchen and other rooms as needed or agreed. However a house share is when you literally agree to share all the house including the living room. Of course these things need to be laid out at the onset.

Have you discussed this with your son? I think you should have a phone conversation with him prior to his next visit and get your ducks in a row as to what you are going to say.

Then you should present a united front to lodger and tell him what you have said here about not feeling comfortable in your own home and his dominating the conversation. Suggest that as they are friends they can go into lodgers room for private conversation/TV etc or go out.

Time for a chat with him about boundaries I think. Reiterate that he's a lodger not a member of the family and, as such, he needs to be elsewhere when you're having family to visit or stay. If he has a problem with that, suggest he looks for somewhere else to stay. I'm betting he'd rather rein his self imposed company in rather than start looking for digs elsewhere.

How about your son backing you up by suggesting to lodger (as soon as son arrives), that the two of them have a coffe/tea/beer etc., together in lodgers room, as son will be spending the rest of the time discussing family matters in the sitting room?

He doesnt really need to be in my living room as he has everything he needs in his room. If he wants to speak to me about something he will stand at the living room door and say whatever he has to say.

he needs to leave.
just give him notice. short notice.
don't discuss why.
say you can give him a reference if needed for his next place.
which you can if he pays the rent on time, and is tidy enough.
your son won't be staying over at anywhere else, so that issue won't arise, so you can give him a reference in good conscience.
advertise for a female only lodger next.
take back control of your home and living experience.
even more important to be relaxed in your own space if you are unwell.
all the best.

He is your lodger and is not a part of your family.

You say you need the lodgers money but you cannot have it both ways, you need to talk to him because it seems as if he is thinking that he is in fact a part of your family. What if your sons move away and you are left alone with this lodger, your life could become unbearable.

It also depends on what the rules were when he first came into your home, does he have his own bathroom and kitchen or does he share all your amenities.

your son should visit the lodger in his room,

If he's only a problem when your son visits I would suggest you resolve that issue with your son and otherwise continue as usual.
Your son should be saying "I'll come out with you on (say) Tuesday evening but I'm here to visit mum really so Mum and we will be spending time together on our own in the evenings" or similar.

If he never comes into the sitting room uninvited (and this is an aberration) then I'd remind him and point out to him that the sitting room is your space.

If it's been a bit wishy washy in the past it's more awkward but you should say you are looking forward to having your family to yourself and would he please not join you in the sitting room in future.

I wouldn't be getting rid of an otherwise good lodger for the sake of something that can be resolved.

No he doesnt have his own bathroom or kitchen. He shares all the amenities. I know I need to talk to him but he is difficult to approach and always seems to believe that he hasnt done anything wrong whenever I have approached him about anything. I will speak to him but neeed to think of the right way to say it without causing to much animosity.

This sounds like a difficult situation for everyone. Maybe if yiu need the money, the way forward is to firstly give him notice of whatever you agreed when he moved in, if you don’t have an agreement, discuss with him and your son who is involved whether he wants to be or not, arrive at a number of weeks that yiu all feel is fair and let him find somewhere else
Meanwhile research ways of finding a lodger where proper biubdaries and expectations are clear

NotSpaghetti

If he's only a problem when your son visits I would suggest you resolve that issue with your son and otherwise continue as usual.
Your son should be saying "I'll come out with you on (say) Tuesday evening but I'm here to visit mum really so Mum and we will be spending time together on our own in the evenings" or similar.

If he never comes into the sitting room uninvited (and this is an aberration) then I'd remind him and point out to him that the sitting room is your space.

If it's been a bit wishy washy in the past it's more awkward but you should say you are looking forward to having your family to yourself and would he please not join you in the sitting room in future.

I wouldn't be getting rid of an otherwise good lodger for the sake of something that can be resolved.

Yes everything is usually ok most of the time. I do try to keep my distance from him, keep any conversation to a minimum as Im a private person and many of his ways do irritate me. I can live with all of that but this situation with my son is not so easy. But as you say, if I can solve it and let him know its not acceptable, then everything should be fine.

I wouldn't be able to put up with the arrangement you describe.
I have a lodger but she has her own small flat so there are no shared rooms.
I have had to ask a lodger to leave but that was when they stopped paying the rent and smelled of alcohol and cigarettes.

I also host international volunteers who have a bedroom but share my living space. They only stay a couple of weeks so it's not usually a problem but occasionally I have had to tell them that the arrangement is not working for me and ask them to leave early.
Over the years we have hosted over 200 and only asked 3 to leave. Most people are great.
I hope you find a solution but it sounds like your lodger is not respecting any reasonable boundaries.

In that case I'd definitely say something like - "now you may like to know that my son will be visiting again soon and this time I'd like you to respect that he's family and I need some private time with him. I know that he's pleased to chat with you so maybe you could take him to the pub one evening or out for a meal or whatever but otherwise he's here to visit me so please don't be offended if we don't invite you in to chat with us when we are together."

If you feel awkward you can rehearse what to say. And then remind him just ahead of time etc.

Good luck.

I think as he is coming to see your son, it is your son who should say sort things out. Let the lodger in for a quick cup of tea and a natter and then your son can say, "I'll see you later mate, before I go I'll pop in to your room to say Cheerio." That way you don't need a laying down of rules but you have given a clear indication of expectations.

you don't need all this hassle and worry in your own home.
he's old enough to know better.
some people don't care, or will never care.
either way, don't make his lack of social awareness or maturity, your problem.
get him out.
when you get a new woman lodger in, be sure you feel completely at ease in their presence, before offering them the room.
make clear the boundaries before letting.
better to be strict at the outset.
if later you wish to be slightly more informal, that is your decision.
you don't want an awkward atmosphere in your own living space, which should be your calm refuge.

I don’t think it’s up to you at all, you say he is your sons friend then your son must tell him, The lodger is obviously seeing the relationship differently and feels as he’s your sons mate he’s visiting him as well as you
So your son must tell him when I visit mum we are going to need time together but I ll come up to your room for an hour (or whatever time he can afford) for a good old catch up
The boy doesn’t sound bad just wires have got crossed

With the limited conversation and following your son around whispering are you sure this lad isnt a bit Asperger’s

I really couldn’t put up with this arrangement. You say you’re not currently working and need this income. I would urge you to contact Citizens Advice to see whether you’re entitled to any benefits. If not, I would seek another - maybe female - lodger and give this one notice. I hope that if necessary your son can help you with this.

Give him notice and advertise for another lodger.

This time, be very clear when interviewing what the house rules are, and what behavioural standards and habits you’re looking for/happy with. Preferably get someone who is not a friend of any of the family, but if s/he is, having boundaries from the beginning will help.

I agree with Germanshepherdsmum find another lodger
I prefer strangers as lodgers because you don't get emotionally involved.
Ofcourse I take an interest in their lives but there is no emotional dependency.

They have references ofcourse but when I "interview" them, I like a friend to be present to help me make rational decisions.