Bewildered by son’s girlfriend.

Hello RicePudding. It might be an idea to restrict any gifts to birthdays and Christmas and maybe reduce the number of gifts you buy.

She may feel overwhelmed by and/or uncomfortable with your generosity because she's unable to reciprocate.

Things for the home are very personal, especially when setting up your first home with a new partner so maybe she'd have preferred to have bought these things for herself with your son, but didn't feel able to say so.

You say you get on well and that she's a "lovely girl" and that's what really matters.

ricepudding I think you re going way over the top both in your gifts, your expectations and your deep disappointment
I cannot imagine being in tears over someone ( outside my children) not honouring my birthday What did your son do for your birthday normally I would expect a couple to buy something together not individually

You are smothering her I certainly wouldn’t want anyone buying me bedding .

I see absolutely nothing to be upset over she’s a nice girl they come and visit you regularly and you obviously like each other what on earth is there to be crying over, you’re one lucky lady

I understand that you want to help them set up their new home etc but maybe you should tone it down a bit. It sounds like she is overwhelmed by your gifts. Many people prefer just token gifts.

She will want to set up her own home, and continual gifts from others can sometimes spoil that. Take a step back and don’t expect her to follow your example..

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt Ricepudding I would probably feel the same way. Indeed I have although the people involved had a different relationship with me.
Looking back on my situation, I think a kind and considered conversation or even txt would have served us both better.
Something along the lines of 'I know how thoughtful you have been towards me in the past, so when I didnt receive a card, I immediately thought you must be busy. But on second thoughts I worried that I might have done somethimg inadvertently to hurt your feelings? Or maybe you are unwell. If so can I help in anyway?'

I hope this turns out to be a blip in your relationship.🌻

Appreciate your comments…I’m just trying to understand why she would have ignored my birthday completely. My son did tell me that her own mum does not do as much as I do for her at Christmas and birthdays, so maybe she is a bit overwhelmed.
Bluebelle…I never send bedding, or anything decorative without checking that she and my son like whatever it is first, and have sometimes ordered for them to pick up in their local store rather than posting, so they have the option of returning or exchanging for something else, but they never do, and will send me photos to show it to me on their bed, so I don’t think that’s an issue.
I am coming to the conclusion that I am perhaps too enthusiastic in trying to help them out, but that’s my nature and it will be difficult for me to rein it in, and very obvious if I change. I guess I loved the idea that she is potentially my future daughter-in-law and all I wanted was to be kind and welcoming.

I suspect that if you were to open her storage units you would find several items that have not been used.

When she comments on items and says she likes them, it could be a little white lie. Don't we all do that? We regularly took presents to the charity shops after Christmas.

I'm sorry you're so upset but I wouldn't have expected a birthday present from my son's girlfriend, it would normally be from them both if they are a couple. This is what my sons do as a rule. I certainly wouldn't be getting anything for the home unless they'd actually requested it as a present idea. It would be best to ease off with the present buying, you're very lucky that your son has such a lovely girlfriend.

RicePudding. My DD has a mil who keeps buying for their home and her, items which are not to her taste, anything from a loo brush holder to china for the kitchen. They are not really for her personally but for their home and she grits her teeth and moans to me.
I would ask your DS what she likes in the perfume line or books before buying personal gifts and maybe they could write a list of things they need for the home, including maker’s name and colour, so no mistakes can be made.
Did your DS remember your birthday?

I agree that you are overwhelming her. Just step back and stop crying. Be pleased that your son has a lovely girlfriend.

When it's her birthday just send a card and a small token present...ask your son for a suggestion. I expect she wants to buy her own "home" stuff.

Namsnanny…I’m not sure that I could approach her directly, but I have a feeling that my son himself might be aware that she doesn’t reciprocate, so I could possibly broach the subject next time he’s home on his own. I have always been very close to him, so I would never want to risk our relationship, or causing upset in theirs, because I do realise that she is his partner in life now and I have to take a back seat, which I think is always hard for a mum to do with sons particularly. I guess because I have felt so close to her and thought that we get along so well, it’s bewildering and hurtful that she just didn’t bother with my birthday this time.

You are overthinking this, you say she is a “nice girl” accept that she has a different gratification style or priorities, there is no need to give expensive presents especially personal stuff like bedding and household stuff. Birthday wishes and a token present, chocs or a bottle is enough, you remembered, it’s the thought that counts.

Mokryna…son contributed to a joint present for me with his two brothers, which his girlfriend was not part of, as she has done her own thing before.
My son and his girlfriend have always made a point of letting me know that anything I’ve sent has been useful and showing me in situ, and I’ve always got the definite impression that they appreciate things. I would never dream of sending anything so personal that it might cause offence, and I feel I know her well enough that things I’ve bought have been her taste.
I do agree that I might be doing too much and will resign myself to cutting back 😕

Personally, I would hate to haveanyone constantly buying me and sending me household goods, especially when they have not seen my house and does not know my taste.

Having the added complication that that person is your partner's mother and that actually you qite like her, apart from her OTT shopping habit, only complicates things still further.

So step back, half the fun of setting up house together is all the scrimping and saving you do to get it looking nice. Why not discuss the issue with your son, and if you have an uncntrollable urge tosend something for the house. Get them a token. You can buy tokens to all the main household goods shops in tthe UK; IKEA, Dunelm etc ect. Give them a token, they can buy exactly what they most need and then whenever they look at it they will think of you, with thanks.

I have given gifts jointly to my son and his wife but it only ever my son who thanks me. Some people are very lax in their thanks whereas others go out of their way to be appreciative. She probably does like your gifts.

I used to have a relative that often bought me gifts and went over the top with birthdays and Christmas.

I was probably over enthusiastic in my gratitude to cover my embarrassment. I eventually stopped buying her gifts in the hope she would stop buying for me, it didn’t work and now I feel resentful towards her for making me feel awkward, quite wrong to blame her for my feelings when she was probably, like you trying to do something nice. Maybe your sons girlfriend feels the same.

I would think she’s overwhelmed as she is not used to receiving all these gifts. You really are going OTT and need to scale it down. I would not expect a separate card or gift from my daughter in law, before or after they married. If they’re a couple then anything comes from both and I neither know nor care how - if at all - they have shared the cost. You are getting disproportionately upset over something very trivial. You only have two close friends and no female relatives - don’t make the mistake of trying to shoehorn this woman into the gap in your life.

Ricepudding, you are investing far too much in this. You overwhelm your son and his girlfriend with gifts but expect her to reciprocate, and cry, several times, (really?) when she doesn't; apparently her mother doesn't go over the top with presents, many families don't. You are very close to your son so will broach the subject with him.
NO.
Dangerous.
Leave them alone. I am surprised your birthday gift was from him and his brothers, excluding his girlfriend. So not part of his family?

I don’t think Ricepudding said she was ‘crying’ over what happened. (If she did, I missed it) She was disappointed, yes. I am very generous with my children, that includes the d.i.ls. I usually get them something for the house or money, and a token individual gift. I always receive gifts, depending on their individual financial circumstances.

‘^I have actually lost sleep and been in tears several times ^, Crazy H. Something of an overreaction.

Smileless2012

Hello RicePudding. It might be an idea to restrict any gifts to birthdays and Christmas and maybe reduce the number of gifts you buy.

She may feel overwhelmed by and/or uncomfortable with your generosity because she's unable to reciprocate.

Things for the home are very personal, especially when setting up your first home with a new partner so maybe she'd have preferred to have bought these things for herself with your son, but didn't feel able to say so.

You say you get on well and that she's a "lovely girl" and that's what really matters.

This is just what I was going to write.
I think you need to back off a little with her OP, a nice but token gift for birthday and Christmas and nothing for her home.
In any case it should be your DS remembering your birthday and not his girlfriend.

None of my DDs' boyfriends, now husbands, have ever given me a birthday card or gift. I really would not expect them to. I think that for some reason this has started to loom larger in your mind than is realistic, or indeed good for your well-being.

Give her gifts if that is what you like to do and just leave it at that.

The other point is, she’s not your DIL but a girlfriend of your son, even if they’re living together it may not be forever.

Thanks GSM - yes, definite overreaction !

It may be a cost of living issue!
If they are paying a mortgage it is possible their payments have soared recently and she simply cant afford to buy presents..
They may have separate finances although living together as a couple.
But, as others posters have said... please step back a little.. if you need to send them something.. maybe a voucher for dinner at a restaurant near them rather than 'items'.