1st Grandchild's Christening

I think you should stick to your guns. If he chooses not to attend that's his choice. I do feel sorry for the parents of the little one being christened though. Its their big day. What are their views or do you not want to burden them with all this?

It's his choice and by the sound of it nobody will miss him. Your partner is a far kinder man and I'm sure he would be missed if he wasn't there. Stick to your guns and if he changes his mind, so be it.

How long has your partner known your children?

Welcome millymolly
Congratulations on your first Grandchild.

I am sorry you are facing acrimony on what should be a very happy family occasion. What is the attitude of the baby's parents and what are the various states of relations between the various parties as that will clearly make a difference.
In any case the baby's grandfather cannot be allowed to spoil this occasion which is your DGD's very first formal event. He is not thinking at all as obviously there will be other events throughout her life so, to be consistent, he will never attend anything! This is not his event and it is not his prerogative to decide on a guest list either.
It is a fact, not generally understood, that services in a church are open to all.
I would not take part in any discussion at all since it is not up to you either. Do not grace his statements with any reply directly to him whatsoever. It sounds to me as if he is just baiting you and looking for an opportunity to cause trouble for which he can then blame; you and your OH. Don't get drawn in and keep a dignified silence both now and at the Christening. Just relax and enjoy the service and the occasion.

Have you decided what gift you will giving your little GD?

If you keep a dignified silence and he turns up at the event, is he likely to cause trouble on the day?

Does your son or daughter (parent of the baby) have an opinion on all this?

I agree with Synonymous. Assuming both you and your partner have been invited, if your ExH says he's not going for any reason, then he needs to tell the parents and they need to make the next move. Stick to your guns and don't discuss it any further with him. This is about his pride.

What a shame millymolly that your former husband doesn't realise the Christening of your son's baby isn't about him, it's about the baby and her parents. The responsibility of grandparents is to support their adult children as they become parents to the very best of their ability. Do your son and his partner know what's going on.
I do hope the day is a happy and successful one. It's such a special time.

My son is very laid back and tried his best to avoid confrontation and wants everyone to be happy, my daughter in law can be less forgiving, both are aware of the situation and want my OH and Ex attending. I've advised that he's given a date deadline in respect if catering as numbers will be affected if potentially X other 6 family members also won't attend as a sign of solidarity. The christening is only a small after with around 30 people invited.

There is potential for my Ex to be confrontational towards my OH however my adults sons wouldn't stsnd for any nonsense from him

My OH has known my 3 sons for just over 2 years.

My Ex currently has a girlfriend and she's been invited also...I have no contact with her as I don't see it necessary

Not thought of a gift yet but open to suggestions

Thank you for comments thus far

If your partner has been invited to the christening and has accepted then that part is settled. Your ex is just trying to emotionally blackmail people. Call his bluff by ignoring his threats.

When me Ex more or less gave me the ultimatum I told him it was his decision and the day was not about him but our granddaughter. His response was that he would not be in the same room as my OH and he would not play happy families.

Whilst I'm a strong professional woman I continue to feel manipulated and emotionally blackmailed by him, since we split up I've seen this behaviour in him more and more, having been married to him for 28 years and together since I was almost 16 I didn't give him credit for the behaviour I now know was evident throughout the latter years of our marriage

millymolly Just rest in the support of your sons who will no doubt be on the look out for any problems. Your relationship with your DIL is really important so it is vital that you and OH are seen as trustworthy and reasonable people to whom she will be happy to entrust her precious baby in the future. You have so much to look forward to! Just let all this go and try to relax as much as you can and enjoy being a GP.

Has it been decided by what name you will be known to your little GD?

Sorry even if your new partner has been supportive and helped with your DSs he is not their father and is not your DGDs grandfather. The person who has a right to be at the christening is your ex. Be magnanimous agree to his terms and go on your own showing you are not dependant on having your OH there to hold your hand. He'll probably be quite shocked imagining that having moved away from him you are now relying on your new partner to support you. It's also a sign to your DS and DIL that you are the reasonable one and he is the difficult bastard! He'll probably think it is a victory but you will be remembered as the GP who made sure her DGDs christening went off successfully.

trisher makes a good point. I never had a problem with my ex-husband's (male) partner attending family events, but my parents made a huge issue of it, as did 2 of my brothers, notably threatening me that they would all boycott my daughter's funeral if I didn't 'sort it out' and soon after, refusing to come to my eldest daughter's 21st birthday party if he was present! Different circumstances, but the same problem - losing sight of the needs of people at the centre! I cannot put into words how awful this was for me at the time

At the funeral, the partner, who had been with my ex for five years and was not involved in the break up of our marriage, travelled with us in the funeral car, but sat in the background in church. He didn't come to my daughter's 21st. I feel he showed great sensitivity to step back and leave us to it - it wasn't fair, or just, but he earned a lot of gratitude and respect from me and my children.

OP, you and your husband are the reason there is a christening and even though he is the one who is being completely unreasonable, deep down, I am sure your sons would want both of you there. You don't have to play 'happy families', but I think it is one of those times when graciousness is called for - a strength not a weakness.

If you decide, with your partner, that you are able to give ground this time, I think it will pave the way for smoother times in the future. You will have the moral highground where your ex is concerned. Could your partner come to the church with you even if he doesn't attend the bash afterwards? I hope that you can be united in the decisions that are being placed upon you.

If the parents of the child who is to be christened have invited milly's partner to the christening, that's all there is to it. An invitation is an invitation.

And he is, potentially, an honorary grandparent, or an 'adopted'* one. It's not all about blood ties.

* the husband of a well-loved gransnetter (see soop's kitchen) is the much loved adopted grandpa of all her grandchildren and is treated as part of the family. Her ex husbands are civilised about it and do not hold grudges. That's the difference.

I think the same as trisher , the ex husband is the child's grandfather , the second husband is not.

The parents should be told of the problem, if they choose to support the step father over the father then their choice .

Imperfect27 what an awful situation for you. Sometimes our parents and family are more protective than we need. But how sensitive of your exes partner to realise and step back. As you say we always respect and are grateful to those who are behave well and don't cause confrontation.
millymolly hope you didn't take my comments about your ex being the grandfather as criticism. Your DS may at some point cut off relations, but you don't want to be seen as the person who stopped his father coming to his daughter's christening.

I think the ex husband needs to grow up and think about his son and grandchild instead of himself. If he cant be an adult for the sake of a few hours then he doesn't deserve to be invited. There is a reason that he is an ex and he needs to get over it and move on. He has been invited - its his decision whether or not to accept the invitation. I am sure that if his new relationships had not broken down he would have wanted to take his new partner. Stick to your guns Millymolly.

An invitation to any event is between the inviter and the invitee (are they both real words) it is not for the guests to stipulate their terms for attendance nor is it for other guests to accommodate their whims.

If they do not wish to attend it is their choice entirely but it is rude to issue ultimatums or even to consider yourself so important, that you may consider doing so. Either attend with good grace and good manners or decline the invitation.

Why do people now assume that they can mould every situation to their own life choices it is about the baby and immediate family this time and ex's have to get on with that or stay at home.

Unless you're being openly antagonistic I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty. I've been through a sequence of similar (or ever nastier) difficulties but happily time has brought about a softening of attitudes and ten years of smiling, biting my tongue and not doing anything to 'up the anti' has worked, ex and I and my partner can be civil, friendly even, and he has visited our home with the children and Grandchildren. I know it doesn't feel as though one has 'time' when family events are rolling past, but it's one set of circumstances when I think patience and openness rather than confrontation stands the best chance of a resolution.

I read; when I have time most of the comments, and the advise given with great interest.

However, as I am new (ish) to the forums. Is it a rule that initials be used to determine who you are talking about - aka DH is the dear husband? DG = dear grandchildren? DS dear son? GP grandparent and the new one for me OH (I thought at first this must mean OLD HUSBAND,) but then decided it means other half? do we have to use these initials.......drives me potty I have to say.

Stick to your guns, if you cave in you will create a precedent for ever. My ex-husband used to say things like this and unfortunately my youngest son used to give in and used all sorts of tactics e.g. arranging our grand daughter's christening without our knowledge when we were on holiday. Unbelievably hurtful. AND DON'T FEEL GUILTY, it's not your problem it's his.

It has to be the decision of your son and DiL really.

I do feel that your ex is more entitled to be there than your relatively new partner. If I was in a similar position I would happily stand back and let my partner of 15 years attend an event if his ex wife didn't want me there, even though I didn't meet him until 4 years after she left him!

If your ex husband genuinely believes that your new partner was responsible for the break up of your marriage you can't blame him for feeling bitter, whatever the circumstances were.

I have discovered that you can't please everyone once parents split up, unfortunately. My own ex has completely lost contact with one of my (adult) children and only sees the other two intermittently which works well for me but is awful for the children!

Oh and so sorry I hope you didnt think I was trivializing the posting, I got carried away trying to work out who was who DH DG etc etc.

But I completely agree with the ladies who say you must stick to your guns, don't allow it to spoil a beautiful occasion. Poor love.

What lovely sensitive advise xxx